Dumper on the cusp of a BU

[GuyIncognito]

It kills me to see so many broken hearts and so many dumpees struggling everyday with their breakup. I'm getting ready to break up with my gf of 4 years. I still love her terribly and she's my best friend, but my heart just isn't in it. We have very separate interests and goals in life and while we still have some good times now, it just seems like it will only be harder if I wait, and not fair to her if I'm just going through the motions but don't truly want to be with her.

 

The idea of breaking her heart just devastates me. As does the idea of losing her friendship. So much so that I strongly consider just staying in the relationship, so as not to hurt her and not to soil all those great memories we have. But I want her to be happy and I want her to be with someone who shares her passions in life and is excited about her in a way that I cannot seem to be. I also feel like I need to go out into the world and pursue my own passions and not live for her. But she's the sweetest person in the world and I just feel disgusting at the idea of her being in such pain from this.

 

Still, though, isn't it more painful if I stay and continue to tell her I love her when I don't really mean it deep down? Isn't that worse in the long run?

 

I don't know. Maybe I expect too much out of our relationship, but at the end of the day, I can't shake the feeling in my gut telling me to go and telling me that we will both be better off someday.

 

I see a lot of posts from the broken-hearted and a lot of anger towards the dumpers, but do any of the dumpees still wish their exes stayed, even if they didn't fully love them?

 

I'm at such a loss. I feel like I'm making the stupidest decision of my life and causing irrevocable harm to someone I deeply care about, yet it still feels like the right choice.

[drallafi]

It kills me to see so many broken hearts and so many dumpees struggling everyday with their breakup. I'm getting ready to break up with my gf of 4 years. I still love her terribly and she's my best friend, but my heart just isn't in it. We have very separate interests and goals in life and while we still have some good times now, it just seems like it will only be harder if I wait, and not fair to her if I'm just going through the motions but don't truly want to be with her.

 

The idea of breaking her heart just devastates me. As does the idea of losing her friendship. So much so that I strongly consider just staying in the relationship, so as not to hurt her and not to soil all those great memories we have. But I want her to be happy and I want her to be with someone who shares her passions in life and is excited about her in a way that I cannot seem to be. I also feel like I need to go out into the world and pursue my own passions and not live for her. But she's the sweetest person in the world and I just feel disgusting at the idea of her being in such pain from this.

 

Still, though, isn't it more painful if I stay and continue to tell her I love her when I don't really mean it deep down? Isn't that worse in the long run?

 

I don't know. Maybe I expect too much out of our relationship, but at the end of the day, I can't shake the feeling in my gut telling me to go and telling me that we will both be better off someday.

 

I see a lot of posts from the broken-hearted and a lot of anger towards the dumpers, but do any of the dumpees still wish their exes stayed, even if they didn't fully love them?

 

I'm at such a loss. I feel like I'm making the stupidest decision of my life and causing irrevocable harm to someone I deeply care about, yet it still feels like the right choice.

 

 

I'm right there with you. 10 years with my girl, been thinking about ending it for the last 5-6 months but don't want to ruin her life. Kind of not sure how to go about it.

[Misfortune]

You go about dumping someone by dumping them. Don't sit there for months and years after you've emotionally checked out, you're just leading them on and they'll fall harder when it ends. This is why I dislike dumpers, selfish. Checked out, pretend everything is okay, get your affairs in order and drop then blindside the dumpee. No matter what you do, dumping someone is going to hurt them if it isn't what they want.

 

You're being deceitful by not saying anything. It could be something fixable of you both work on it, if it's not or you've reached your limit, just leave. You're ruining their lives by wasting their time after you've checked out, let them go.

[GuyIncognito]

I think you're trivializing it a bit, Misfortune. This isn't the sort of thing I think anyone should rush a decision about. It has taken me some time to fully understand how I feel about the relationship and I'm still not 100% certain this is what I want (not sure I ever will be).

 

Its not blindsided either, I've expressed some level of these feelings - we've talked about our differences and paths in life. But I no longer think this is something we can work through. We're just too fundamentally different.

 

I feel bad about a lot of things, but I don't feel bad or selfish about waiting til I'm ready or about trying to do this as sensitively as I can.

[Sadguy33]

From a dumpees view, reconsider what you are doing. If she is a good girl you will regret this. There are very few people in this world that truly love someone. If she truly cares about you, maybe your the fool. Think about what you are doing. And if you do this just do it. And don't contact her at all to check up on her. You are about to ruin this girls life for a while just a heads ip

[lop98]

Just grab a nerve and do it but do have the sensitivity and respect to fully explain just like you're doing it here, and once you leave her, do not keep going back to her to check if she's okay... she's not going to be okay but she WILL be okay with enough time, regular contact and creating expectations with someone that's hurt is one the cruelest things a dumper can do. Once you're out, you're out... especially if you really care for her.

 

Good luck, it ain't easy task for sure...

[Misfortune]

I think you're trivializing it a bit, Misfortune. This isn't the sort of thing I think anyone should rush a decision about. It has taken me some time to fully understand how I feel about the relationship and I'm still not 100% certain this is what I want (not sure I ever will be).

 

Its not blindsided either, I've expressed some level of these feelings - we've talked about our differences and paths in life. But I no longer think this is something we can work through. We're just too fundamentally different.

 

I feel bad about a lot of things, but I don't feel bad or selfish about waiting til I'm ready or about trying to do this as sensitively as I can.

 

So what are you going to do until you're 100% sure, continue to express your unhappiness about being in the relationship? I think you're being selfish because you're obviously done and you're faking it to her. At the end of the day, it's all about you, how you feel when and after you end it. You're prepping yourself for the oncoming ***** storm under the "i don't want to hurt her" guise and you'll be fully prepared for it when you pull the plug; typical dumper.

 

Does the dumpee also get one of these "the relationship will end when I decide so you best prepare yourself" flyers before hand?

 

Does she also think that your problems are unsolvable? Is her heart out of the relationship? How long have you been thinking over your decision?

 

You think that someone won't be blindsided that you're ending things over issues that you've tolerated/pretend to be ok with? You think because there are issues in the relationship, she believes it's over? What relationship doesn't have issues?

 

It'll be even worst if she's trying to work on resolving any issues that have been brought to her attention. Don't stay if your heart isn't in it, it's a waste of everyone's time. Your first post sounds like you're done and you're keeping her because you don't want her out of your life completely. You want to be friends after it all right? -_-

[hurts2death]

but dont the love end up in a kind of friendship or companionship through the life up to where we become grand mothers and fathers?why we betray our"brother" co soldier our "family" ..after time love is a choice........i am against ending a sooo long term relationship just because you are not there? how immature? omg guys.... you are after a high or a different kind of dose cause you dont value what you have,,,,just choose to love them.....simple... be human.....

So what are you going to do until you're 100% sure, continue to express your unhappiness about being in the relationship? I think you're being selfish because you're obviously done and you're faking it to her. At the end of the day, it's all about you, how you feel when and after you end it. You're prepping yourself for the oncoming ***** storm under the "i don't want to hurt her" guise and you'll be fully prepared for it when you pull the plug; typical dumper.

 

Does the dumpee also get one of these "the relationship will end when I decide so you best prepare yourself" flyers before hand?

 

Does she also think that your problems are unsolvable? Is her heart out of the relationship? How long have you been thinking over your decision?

 

You think that someone won't be blindsided that you're ending things over issues that you've tolerated/pretend to be ok with? You think because there are issues in the relationship, she believes it's over? What relationship doesn't have issues?

 

It'll be even worst if she's trying to work on resolving any issues that have been brought to her attention. Don't stay if your heart isn't in it, it's a waste of everyone's time. Your first post sounds like you're done and you're keeping her because you don't want her out of your life completely. You want to be friends after it all right? -_-

[Misfortune]

No1 said to be rash. W/e I say only applies if you've been going at this for months/years. I don't even know how some people get to years. I say 1-3 months tops, anything else is a waste/BS, especially when you're talking like the OP did in his 1st post.

[hurts2death]

hey my friend this thing you talk about aint love but IN LOVE we all all all all all fall out of love eventually but that doesnt mean we betray our other half... and here we talk about 4 years not 4 months or a year at least....

 

just think of it.. he will fall out of love with his next girl too and way sooner now,,,,,

thats what i believe.

 

love is a choice and after the passion becomes 0 and the excitement sinks we choose to LOVE

So he's better to just continue to date her and feed her false beliefs that he will love her eventually?

 

she doesnt deserve it i agree to be with an actor... but lets just leave the in love talk... doesnt she deserve his companionship and vise versa?its like you say to your brother i dont want to be your brother anymore.

 

wtf?

 

wasnt she the one once that was in love? yes or no? yes she was..... and yes this passion reduces by time but we dont let go like that after 4 years.,... jesus christ..... its like playing with souls and all this western social lifestyle is f u ck......

 

and you say if he doesnt see a future ? lol ok its only 4 years but if it was 12? lol again aint that much future anymore for this selfish man? is it?

 

my advice is stay with her ... and there are ways to respark if the passion is what you are after! you can also set boundaries in order to live for you too....

 

 

 

That is stupid. If he doesn't see a future with her, the best thing he can do is let her go so that she can find someone who does. You can't force someone to love you and you can't hang around hoping it'll eventually happen. That's the worst thing you can do. I'm sure he's tried, but if he's not interested in continuing, all he ends up being by staying is a sh*t boyfriend. She doesn't deserve that, I'm sure.

Edited September 13, 2013 by hurts2death

[hurts2death]

and how it can come to 0? i dont believe it is 0.... did she transform to a zombie? lol no.... so? we talk about gigs?we talk about a wrong decision,,,

why so negative my friend... why dont we save a heart here? try together?

 

unless he is total 0 in passion which i doubt. but he says she is cute and all!

so wtf?

The passion should never go to zero in a relationship. Never. It will wane, but if you have zero passion for your partner, get out now.

 

If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, he shouldn't stay. The end.

[MontyCarlo]

I've been in the exact position as yourself, was with my girlfriend for 5 years, started to have doubts about it. Didn't realise myself but girlfriend knew I was withdrawing from the relationship. She asked about it and I knew I had to open up and tell her how I felt.

 

We broke up 3 weeks 3 days ago, feels like it was yesterday! Personally I still cry everyday over it. I can't talk to friends about it without getting a tear in my eye.

 

She is heartbroken, she still loves me as I do her. However, I believe I have done the right thing for both of us. We've spoken once since the break, she's contacted me and I would not ignore her, she knows that she needs time to recover without talking to me.

 

I have no plans for the future unlikely people on this board say, yes I did have time I suppose to plan things but I did not use it. I didn't think about life after breaking up, there is no shady past.

 

As others have said, if you don't feel it break up with her. Be as honest as you can about your feelings without placing blame on her. Let her know that you'll not contact her, not because you don't care but because you do care!

 

It's hard mate, the hardest thing you'll have likely done in your life (it was for me).

 

Dumpees on this site will be nasty to you, they were to me. If you know what your doing is correct, follow your heart.

[emi]

Why u started something you cant finish?

 

Or at first u just date for the sake of dating?

 

If you afraid to '' break her heart'', then why bother court her as first?

Everything got the begin got the end. You never think about what u gonna do at the end?

 

Poor your girlfriend, she wasted her time

[hotpotato]

It kills me to see so many broken hearts and so many dumpees struggling everyday with their breakup. I'm getting ready to break up with my gf of 4 years. I still love her terribly and she's my best friend, but my heart just isn't in it. We have very separate interests and goals in life and while we still have some good times now, it just seems like it will only be harder if I wait, and not fair to her if I'm just going through the motions but don't truly want to be with her.

 

The idea of breaking her heart just devastates me. As does the idea of losing her friendship. So much so that I strongly consider just staying in the relationship, so as not to hurt her and not to soil all those great memories we have. But I want her to be happy and I want her to be with someone who shares her passions in life and is excited about her in a way that I cannot seem to be. I also feel like I need to go out into the world and pursue my own passions and not live for her. But she's the sweetest person in the world and I just feel disgusting at the idea of her being in such pain from this.

 

Still, though, isn't it more painful if I stay and continue to tell her I love her when I don't really mean it deep down? Isn't that worse in the long run?

 

I don't know. Maybe I expect too much out of our relationship, but at the end of the day, I can't shake the feeling in my gut telling me to go and telling me that we will both be better off someday.

 

I see a lot of posts from the broken-hearted and a lot of anger towards the dumpers, but do any of the dumpees still wish their exes stayed, even if they didn't fully love them?

 

I'm at such a loss. I feel like I'm making the stupidest decision of my life and causing irrevocable harm to someone I deeply care about, yet it still feels like the right choice.

 

I wish they would have stayed and worked out problems and stopped asking me to mind read. I've never had a guy say he didnt like me, didn't care, or wasn't in love with me when he left..

 

Really, it boiled down to COMMUNICATION!

 

Let's be real though. The only reason you are still with her is because you haven't found a replacement. If you already had another girl lined up you wouldnt be here.

 

I tell you what though. My ex of 3 years left me for a rebound then came right back (I rejected him). Turns out the grass wasn't greener. He's in a ltr right now and having some of the same problems with her as with me.

 

A lot of people get stuck in a repetition compulsion. They have the same problems over and over and over again. It's easy to forget that everyone is 1/2 the problem, it's a lot easier to blame our partner for the failing relationships esp when we imagine everything will be better without them.

 

Did you lose the spark? What specifically do you feel is the problem? How do your goals differ and have you discussed it with her?

 

It's never a good thing to describe an intimate partner as best friend, from what I've seen.

[candie13]

Hey, if you think that she is perfect, sweet and everything, but not the girl for you, just leave. Honestly. Nobody deserves pity from their SO.

 

Think about it differently: you are wasting her time. She will not be young and pretty forever. The longer she stays with you, the longer she stays with someone who is not happy and who does not make her happy.

 

What I am trying to say is that by staying, you are giving in to your feelings of guilt and maybe even fear. You don't stay with her because you don't want to break her heart. You stay with her because it's easy. And that is not fair to her or to you.

 

Be brave and do the right thing for you and for her. And please remember, your actions - including your lack of action - has repercussions on you and on those around you. Please act responsibly, if you respect her.

[CBKBM]

Devastated dumpee here, so I'm not sure I can chime in without a bitter bias.

 

But here's a (possibly) helpful list of questions to ask yourself before you make a final decision: 30 Questions to Help If You Have Doubts About Your Relationship

 

I don't believe that anyone should settle out of obligation, fear, guilt, or laziness, but I also think people (not saying you specifically, OP), need to take a hard and realistic look at what it means to be in a long term relationship. My friends in successful LTRs say that they fall in and out of love all the time—the butterflies come and go (sometimes gone for seconds, weeks, months...)—but its the respect, trust, and admiration for their partner that's the true bedrock of a good relationship.

 

Like any commitment-heavy project you start, a relationship can be difficult, frustrating, time-consuming, doubt-creating, and exhausting. Fixing a car, writing a book, directing a play, getting a PhD—none of these are things that you are able to accomplish quickly, easily, and fueled solely by joy and excitement. Nope. There's going to be busted knuckles, lots of red ink, nights spent crying in the library, moments of extreme passion, moments of total doubt, times where you need to backtrack, times where you go full speed ahead... You don't throw in the towel when something gets hard.* In big projects like these, there will always be peaks and valleys, but in my experience, when all is said and done, whenever I give my all to something—despite how difficult it sometimes is—I step back and look at what I accomplished and think "Damn, I'm so happy I stuck it out. I'm really proud of what I did. It was worth it."

 

*Really meditate on the difference between things being hard and things being futile.

 

So, there's my .02.

[hotpotato]

How old are both of you?

 

Do you ever spend time apart?

 

Are you sure you are not in the dip? The dip is when things are going downhill. You have doubts and wqnt to give up. If you push through the dip things get much better.

 

Have you exhausted your options?

[hurts2death]

because this sth was human and they saw it as sth....

Why u started something you cant finish?

 

Or at first u just date for the sake of dating?

 

If you afraid to '' break her heart'', then why bother court her as first?

Everything got the begin got the end. You never think about what u gonna do at the end?

 

Poor your girlfriend, she wasted her time

[reddragon588]

Have you considered talking with her about this?

 

You need to have an honest conversation. It might not end up as a breakup conversation, it might end up as the end. Just don't go into it determined to break up at the end.

 

But you need to have this conversation with her. Honesty and communication are key in any relationship. Maybe you have this conversation and end up resolving the issues that are making you feel this way. Maybe you have this conversation and realize the issues can't be resolved.

 

But you won't know until you have that conversation.

[emi]

because this sth was human and they saw it as sth....

 

 

 

Love wont last forever. Feeling come and go. But u cant just drop someone cause you dont feel the same way you did. You have to make a resposibilty for your choice.

And he choosen her.

 

Love isnt something you can just switch on when u like and bail out when you dont.

I know im being a bitter, but i know how horrible heartbreak is and im female too. I cant bare the thought of his gf is so happily living right now and have no idea what comming to her.

anyway for OP if you decide you want to cut her loose. Dont ever regret it

[hurts2death]

emi we agree it was ironic my post... i hate when people act like this...

jesus

Love wont last forever. Feeling come and go. But u cant just drop someone cause you dont feel the same way you did. You have to make a resposibilty for your choice.

And he choosen her.

 

Love isnt something you can just switch on when u like and bail out when you dont.

I know im being a bitter, but i know how horrible heartbreak is and im female too. I cant bare the thought of his gf is so happily living right now and have no idea what comming to her.

anyway for OP if you decide you want to cut her loose. Dont ever regret it

[GuyIncognito]

Why u started something you cant finish?

 

Or at first u just date for the sake of dating?

 

If you afraid to '' break her heart'', then why bother court her as first?

Everything got the begin got the end. You never think about what u gonna do at the end?

 

Poor your girlfriend, she wasted her time

 

Nobody knows whether it will work out when they start dating, that's the whole point - you get to know someone intimately and sometimes its perfect and other times it just doesn't pan out. If you're approaching every new relationship with a pre-formed commitment, then good luck to you. I think you're setting yourself up for failure with that attitude.

 

Even though she is going to be heartbroken, I do not believe she will feel that she wasted her time with me. We've got some great memories together. I don't believe she will regret the past.

[Misfortune]

Nobody knows whether it will work out when they start dating, that's the whole point - you get to know someone intimately and sometimes its perfect and other times it just doesn't pan out. If you're approaching every new relationship with a pre-formed commitment, then good luck to you. I think you're setting yourself up for failure with that attitude.

 

Even though she is going to be heartbroken, I do not believe she will feel that she wasted her time with me. We've got some great memories together. I don't believe she will regret the past.

 

Only one way to find out.

[GuyIncognito]

How old are both of you?

 

Do you ever spend time apart?

 

Are you sure you are not in the dip? The dip is when things are going downhill. You have doubts and wqnt to give up. If you push through the dip things get much better.

 

Have you exhausted your options?

 

We're both early 30s. Finding time apart has been a struggle, as we live together. We're rarely apart for extended periods of time. One of the key elements in this is my increasing desire to live alone.

 

We have talked about our issues and I've expressed my doubts about the long-term success of our relationship. Some of the issues are pretty significant, for example, she absolutely does not want children and I eventually do. We've ignored things like this for a while because it seems so far in the future, but at some point, it factors into what we are doing now.

 

Mostly though, I just don't care as much about her interests and she doesn't care about mine. We make efforts both ways to show support and listen, but that's all it is: for show.

[hurts2death]

date and live together for years is a TEST?

Nobody knows whether it will work out when they start dating, that's the whole point - you get to know someone intimately and sometimes its perfect and other times it just doesn't pan out. If you're approaching every new relationship with a pre-formed commitment, then good luck to you. I think you're setting yourself up for failure with that attitude.

 

Even though she is going to be heartbroken, I do not believe she will feel that she wasted her time with me. We've got some great memories together. I don't believe she will regret the past.