Gay Guy Friendships

[swedeace]

It's funny. I have always had female friends all my life. I recently made a male friend over the summer who is gay (I'm female). I work at a computer lab facility, so I have seen him around his two classes he was taking during the summer. I approached him, and he told me his is gay, but he proposed we could "email as friends!" I was elated. I thought it was nice to have my first male friend, and I did research on the famous "gay male/straight female" friendships and read they just clicked so well! That made me excited! For the last week-and-a-half during that semester, I subbed for his classes (by luck!), and we talked a bit. Let me tell you, it was soooo nice and very relaxing to have had the honor to chat/talk with him. I got to know a little about him and his busy academic/work life, but I didn't get to know more about him due to the end of the semester that stopped me from asking more "get to know you" questions.

 

Our friendship was just initiating, but the semester ended and so did our time to spend with each other by convenience. He was around to take those computer classes, and I was working at the same time. He even offered to develop some vacation photos, so I held onto his friendly gestures and mistook them for a friendship when it seems now he thinks of me as an acquaintance. I hear acquaintance can turn into friendships over time, so I am willing to develop this into a friendship. I really felt I clicked with him in conversation and would love to hang out with him when time permits! How can I let him know that without sounding demanding or pushy? I really, really don't want to screw this potential friendship up.

 

But now it's getting harder for me to "hang out" or "converse" outside of my job with him. I have his cell phone number, and I have told him maybe we can "hang out sometime." He said, "oh, sure." However, he is so darn busy with work/school it's hard to get a hold of him. And after the semester might be difficult since that will be around the Christmas holidays. I work in a computer lab at a college, and he's a college student. He is just super busy with work and school, and this semester I almost never get to see him unless I synchronize "bumping into him" after class ends!! It's frustrating!!

 

But if our friendship will be more of a hangout type instead of just acquiantance-type, I would hope we can talk about his being gay. I would love to know more about how he has and is dealing with society's pressures. This way, we can talk about it together. This is more like in longterm goals because so far, it's in our initiated friendship stage.

 

I have taken such an intense interest in learning more about these types of gay male/straight female friendships! I've read so much online info. I'm even taking a gender class, and there is another gay guy who's in the class. I just realized last week after he talked with me a bit that I'd also like to "try" and get to talk more or for a possible friendship with him as well. Since we haven't talked too much, it might be difficult to initiate such a question. Any ideas?

[UCFKevin]

It sounds like you just want to have a movie like relationship, or like (I assume) the cliched gay guy on Sex in the City who's friends with the girls. You only want to be buddies with him because he's gay so you can have a gay friend. That's pretty lame, I think, you should just want to be friends with him for him, not because of what spice he may be able to add to your life and your knowledge of life and all that. Almost like you want to use him.

 

Just my opinion.

[swedeace]

UCFKevin: It's funny because I have never watched Will & Grace or Sex in the City before, but I have read about the jist of the shows in articles. As I mentioned in my post, I did get a chance to talk with him and got to know him as a person and enjoyed that. That's what seems most appealing for me. He is just so nice and very outgoing. That's what drew me into his attitude. Sorry if my post made it sound superficial. I just meant that it just "happened in this manner." I don't know how else to explain it, but I did mention his friendliness in certain parts of my post that I just admired about him.

[swedeace]

I was thinking more about your post earlier today, and I realized I wasn't all that clear over the fact that all my life, I have acted clingy towards people and not wanting to let go of their friendship when they offer friendly gestures.

 

I mean, for instance, earlier this year when I was fearing my lost close friendship with a co-worker, I obsesssed SO much about it and about her as a person. Realistically speaking, it seems that whenever I get a taste of "friendliness" from people, I seem to grab them and not want to let go. I guess I am mistaking their friendliness gesture for true friendship.

 

I had a current co-worker who I considered a friend. Then, a new co-worker came into the picture late last year when she started working, she and the new co-worker just "clicked" and became best friends within like three months. It was at this time (January 2004), I was beginning to feel left out and didn't have my friend to myself, so to speak. Meaning, we didn't get a chance to talk-talk like we used to. Now, my friend and I didn't hang around exclusively like they do now (always together at work), but I became jealous over it, especially when work-related situations annoyed Jennifer easily such as everyone's habits and organizational situations. So, she and the new co-worker kinda became this clique. At that time, I feared my friend was hating me and didn't want my friendship, so I acted clingy towards my friend until she sent me a "back off" type of email. Eventually a few weeks later, she started talking to me like the good old times, in a way. She would talk with me, but it still wasn't the same since she and the new co-worker are best friends. That won't change, unless their relationship changes. I read somewhere that friendships don't change but the people in them grow, so I guess that's what has happened. I mean, my friend and I still kinda talk, but with each passing day, our friendship is just drifting off. She's temperamental with work-related situations, so it is quite exhausting trying to figure out whether she is Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I'm not liking this, so the friendship is drifting off.... Well, I find myself doing this to people who do things for me who I mistake friendliness for friendship.

 

So I guess that is what I am doing with my male friend, too. The only exception is I don't get to see him often or even hear from him often, so this a little more difficult for me to approach him on a daily basis. Unlike this past summer where I would see him FOUR days a week, this term I'm lucky if I see him once every couple of weeks. It's funny because on a day-to-day basis, I'm always juggling between "being patient" and synchronize to "try to just 'bump' into him to see what he says." It's confusing me so badly which to do! I mean, I know I have to have patience, but it is bugging me for fear months will pass by and will sound silly for the lunch invitation or even fear being forgotten. What's worse is with my friendship with my friend is drifting AND with my male friend being the next in line for the friendship I want to pursue from acquaintance to friendship, it seems like I am standing here alone for now until I hear from him. Like, I don't have anyone at this very moment. I figured it wouldn't be too hard slowly letting go of the "closeness" of my friendship with my female friend because I had my male friend who is quiet, not so moody, and is very nice and smooth talking with. But it's proving it's hard! It's depressing without a stand-alone friendship....

 

With my male friend, I just became elated with his "we could email as friends" and developed my photos and wanted my music (for me to make him a CD). And just like with my female work friend, I figured he wants to be my friend, so I thought it would easier just to converge together whenever and would be easy to just ask to hang out or whatever. It's something I cannot stop with and just cannot change the channel in my mind either.

 

But I do agree with you about my my male classmate. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and was just focused on what people have told me with "Don't be so focused on one person and venture onto new people." I am embarrassed for even the thought of approaching him. I can give myself willpower to focus on my male friend when he contacts me when he's less busy and let the friendship grow slowly.