me and my boyfriend argue all the time !!!!

[help]

my b/f and i always get into spats and it's always over the smallest and most stupid things!!! and i spoke to him and he said that arguing was a normal day for him...he gets mad very easily so help me on what i can do....if i tell him this and to change it will make him mad..so keep that in mind...

[Nic]

YOU WRITE: if i tell him this and to change it will make him mad

 

the first rule of psychology is that the person who has the problem must deal with the problem, because nobody else can. you cannot tell a person to change, or make a person change. so, what exactly is your problem here? it doesn't sound as if your boyfriend feels he has a problem at all. it's just "a normal day" to him. or if he does, he would probably define it differently to the way you just did. his problem is whatever it may be - yours is finding a way to cope with his behaviour, if you think the relationship is really worth that. has he always been an angry person, or has he become one over time?

 

perhaps it would be useful to pick a time when you're getting along and there isn't a fight brewing or just behind you. use that time to talk about "the fighting". if you like, you can make some rules beforehand for the discussion so that fighting doesn't get a chance to muscle in. put your heads together, and maybe you can find out how fighting is gaining such a central part in your relationship; what fighting gives to you as individuals and as a couple; what experience you each have of fighting with intimate partners or family members in the past; and how it might be possible to set limits on fighting in order to prevent it from taking over completely.

 

once you understand more about the fighting, including why and how you do it and how it is limited or stopped, it may be possible to make a safe space for limited fighting in your life. just enough fighting to keep things interesting but not to the point of losing respect for each other. a fight every now and again can be healthy for a relationship, but fighting all the time just becomes boring and a waste of energy.

 

my only concern here is the fact that you say he gets mad very easily. if he is emotionally abusive or physically abusive, then i would get out straight away. he will never change. but if it's merely a case of him getting all stroppy, then only you really know, based on what you share in your relationship, if it's worth sticking out. you basically have two options:

 

1. you can end this and try to find love elsewhere, or

 

2. you can try to grow love right where you are.

 

without love and respect, the smallest of frictions can wreck a relationship. if he doesn't show any respect towards your feelings, or if you feel the relationship has gone stale, then try and find love elsewhere.

[ashesmum]

Seems to me that he's not upset that you guys are always fighting. So if you really care enough, you're gonna have to be the one to change something. Whenever you feel a fight or spat coming on, just calmly let it go. Count to ten or take a drive or walk. Anything that will stop the fight and calm you down. Maybe he will recognize this and you guys can talk about it. One way or the other you'll have to discuss it otherwise you'll be miserable for as long as you stay together. So figureout if you really want to be in a relationship like that forever. Remember that little things always build into big things.

my b/f and i always get into spats and it's always over the smallest and most stupid things!!! and i spoke to him and he said that arguing was a normal day for him...he gets mad very easily so help me on what i can do....if i tell him this and to change it will make him mad..so keep that in mind...

[nycesq]

Fundamentally, I agree with the advice that has been provided thus far. However, I don't think that the advice adequately discusses your obviously distressed position. Take it from me, I have dated people who get angry over the smallest things and it made for a somewhat tumultous relationship. What you need to discern is whether these "spats" are either 1) induced by both of you regarding various aspects of your relationship or 2) brought on by your b/f's anger, which puts you in a sour mood. If it is the former, then you should try to decide why you are fighting all the time.....it is all about cause and effect. Little fights here and there are generally the effect of more major problems that couples are trying to tackle. However, if you find that your boyfriend's constant anger puts you in a bad mood, you need to decide whether you can take his anger for what it is worth (i.e. not directed at you) and just let it go or whether being around someone with anger issues is something you are interested in pursuing. I have to say that from personal experience, I've dealt with both types of fighting and while being with someone who gets hyper about little things is easier to deal with (somewhat), it's not fun being around people who are constantly angry. I have always tried to approach people when there is a neutral situation and let them know what I feel like when they are angry all the time. Hope this helps.