Can I get past this?

[wily]

I'll try not to make this too long...

 

My son's father and I decided to work things out a little over a year ago. A couple of months into our relationship, he went to a strip club behind my back with his buddy and two girls. The only reason I found out is because he was arrested (he claims due to no fault of his own, of course) for being drunk in public. He claims he was set up, etc. Anyway, the cops used excessive force on him and slammed his face onto the ground. He lost his front four teeth. He didn't/doesn't have a lot of money, so he had to get temporary fake teeth for now.

 

Anyway, at the time I was pissed that he went to the strip club with other girls without telling me, and pissed that he got himself into that situation to get arrested. But I felt bad at the same time and loved him and didn't want to abandon him in his time of need. (On a side note, he also did not have his driver's license due to getting his second DUI some time before that). I drove him to doctor's appointments, to school, etc. He decided he wanted to sue the cops, so he told me he was going to have a friend who was into photography come over and take professional grade pictures of his messed up teeth/smile. I asked if I needed to be worried about her and them being alone together, he said no.

 

My son and I were actually there when she came over, but we left because he was "repaying" her for the pictures by helping her with some computer stuff, and we didn't want to wait around. Fast forward about a week, he looks through my phone, sees some messages from a guy that I work with, gets all pissed off even though the messages were pretty harmless. I got that feeling where someone is accusing you out of guilt... So a couple of days later, I had the chance to look at his phone, and I went for it. (Yes, shame on me, I know). I saw messages from him to that girl who took the pictures from the night she was over. They were around midnight or 1 a.m. that night. He basically told her "I enjoyed looking at those pictures... Now I can enjoy them tonight," and "I'd rather have the real thing." She responded with, "Sorry, can't have the real thing," or something to that effect. I confronted him, turns out she had been showing him naked pictures of herself when she was there. He claims that nothing happened and that he didn't really want anything to happen between them, but he was feeling insecure because of his teeth and was seeking some sort of validation from her. Begged me to forgive him, etc. etc.

 

After that, he got insanely jealous of me and what I was doing. Constantly thought I was cheating on him , doing things behind his back, etc. Got to the point where I couldn't take it and I ended things. He kept being possessive and controlling, even though we'd broken up. Finally, I cut off all contact. We eventually got back into contact, he apologized, we decided to try to work things out. I flat out told him, "If we're going to do this, we both need to really try, for our son's sake. We can't do this back and forth thing. So we need to treat each other the right way."

 

This is about 7 months after the incident with the naked pictures. This time, he accidentally leaves his phone in my car. I didn't even realize it until I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. It was him from a friend's phone, his voicemail sounded panicked... said "I left my phone in your car, Can you bring it back?" And then another one, "I'm at your apartment, so I can get your phone." Keep in mind, at this point, he still doesn't have a license. But he made it to my apartment before my son and I could pick up Subway sandwiches and make it home. So he was panicking. I knew there was something on that phone. I looked at it, and first saw him texting an older woman. He asked for a picture, and then commented on how her boobs still looked nice. That was bad enough. And then I saw a conversation with his friend. He essentially was bragging about how he had sex with a girl in his hot tub the week before. Obviously, this is why he was desperate to get his phone back.

 

I once again ended things. I was pissed. He wants to try to work things out. Says that he was still insecure because of his teeth and he was having nightly nightmares about them. This girl didn't know that he had fake teeth and he said that it gave him self-confidence that she was into him. Obviously, this didn't make me feel any better. He also admitted that he had been at "get togethers" that he hadn't told me about where she had been and that she had been overtly flirtatious with him, so he knew that she was into him. And then when he had a get together at his house, he supposedly drank too much, they ended up in the hot tub together and had sex. He, of course, claims he was really drunk, etc. However, he wasn't drunk the next day when he was bragging to his buddy about it on his phone.

 

He claims the incident made him realize he doesn't want to lose me and our family. He says it made him realize he was taking me for granted and not respecting me or treating me the way he should, and that I'm the only thing he wants. I feel like he is just sorry he got caught. He claims he's remorseful, and would have told me eventually.

 

I said I would give it another shot for the sake of keeping our family together, but now I am riddled with self-doubt, insecurity, and paranoia. If he goes a night without calling me, I get worried. He's been understanding of all of that for the most part. He claims it would never happen again and that he will take preventative measures to make sure it doesn't happen. He said I can look through his phone or facebook whenever. I actually did (I asked him, I didn't snoop), and realized that he had deleted all of his messages except two between him and that same buddy that he was bragging to the time before. That made me suspicious. He said that the guy has a crush on the girl he slept with, so he brings her up, and that might upset me, so he deleted them. Seems fishy to me.

 

Despite his claims that it will never happen again and that "I have never done anything like this before," this is the second incident (third if you count the strip club behind my back) within a year. Am I crazy for wanting to give it a shot to keep our family together? I feel like I will hate myself more than him if I give it another shot and he does this sort of thing again. And I don't want my son (he's 5) to see his mother being treated poorly as he grows up. But I also don't want to give up on giving my son a home with a mother and father.

 

Sorry, I didn't keep this very short.

[heartshaped]

He's a liar and a cheater. He's proven these to be habitual actions. Don't believe a person's words, believe the things they do.

 

IF you truly believed there was even a slither of a chance of this working and IF you believed he was truly remorseful I might would give him another chance simply for the sake of your son.

 

But there would have to be some serious rules. Total transparency, he would need individual counseling as well as couple's counseling, and total honesty. But I wouldn't go there if I were you.

[juicygirl]

Seriously, what are you asking here? His doing the same thing to you over and over again and you're allowing it. Sure you break up with him for a while, then you go right back. You're not a victim because you knew he was like this long ago. It's like that story about the woman and the snake.A lady nurses a snake back to good health and one day the snakes bites her and she says WHY! The snake is like, girl you knew I was a snake. This guy is a snake and you keep allowing him to bite you.

 

Your son is the victim and please don't use that boy as an excuse to go back to this clown. Your son is not seeing a healthy loving relationship. His seeing all this drama daily. You guys fighting, you crying, breaking up and getting back together, this 5 year old has already seen too much. Your ex is only jealous because he doesn't want you to go nowhere, it's not love.

 

What will it take for you to truly walk away? An STI or another woman showing up on your door step pregnant by him? WHAT?

 

Sorry if I'm being harsh, but it sounds like you need a slap.Wake up

[wily]

I know, everyone is right. I guess I just want to see the best in him because I know he's going to be in my son's life forever. And the idea that my son might have a crappy dad pains me. So I believe him when he says he's changing and he all he wants is his family.

 

It's also hard, because it seems as if no one in his life sees what kind of guy he is as far as our relationship goes. At school and at his part-time, soon to be full-time job after he graduates, they all just think he's fantastic. They talk like he's the greatest guy ever. And his friends and family think he's the best. So when I hear all this great talk about him, I start to think it's just me. Plus, he's really good at spinning being the victim with me. Like with the incident with the cops. When I dared have the nerve to tell him that I could possibly see him talking back to the cops and being uncooperative, he started crying and said that he couldn't believe that I would think that about him, and made me feel terrible.

 

Anyway, I think I DO need a slap in the face. Which is why I posted on here. Part of me says he's never going to change and walk away, and the other part of me foolishly holds out hope.

[nescafe1982]

Get away from this man. Now and forever. I'm not sure how you will handle custody, but someone who is this much trouble is not sorry for what he's done... he's sorry that he got caught.

 

It does suck that your son will have a crappy dad. That sucks. But it's beyond your control. All you can do is ensure how your son sees you: as a strong mother and female role model who commands respect and doesn't put up with continual ****ty treatment. You are going to have to be twice the mom to your kid, until when/if your boy's father gets his act together.

Edited September 13, 2013 by nescafe1982

[firemanq]

Dump the twatwaffle! (Name courtesy of It's Just Me)