cheating ex-GF is finally wanting me back after 4 weeks of lying.

[James-London]

Hi guys,

 

I would be really grateful for your thoughts on this one. In brief summary, I went out with a girl for 13 months, starting in late June 2012. However, 4 weeks ago I found out that she slept with a guy 3 times last December. The last 4 weeks have been a nightmare because the truth has been coming out in little pieces and she has lied many times to protect herself. Initially she even tried to blame me for what she did by saying I was not spending enough time with her, although now she does recognise that cheating was her decision and her fault.

 

The story until yesterday was that she was only alone with him once this year to tell him that she was with me and did not want to cheat. Other than that, she saw him at 2 parties. However, yesterday she admitted that she has actually been on 5 or 6 dates with him and has slept with twice this year. I have been suspicious of this for the last 4 weeks, but I still feel shocked and hurt. She was even with him several times in the last 2 months when she said she loved me and our relationship was at its strongest!

 

What I need your help is this long email she wrote me yesterday, after admitting everything.

 

In brief, she is full of apologies and regret. She apologised for holding back the truth and all the lying which has totally messed up my last 4 weeks. She says she really did love me and she does not love the other man. Apparently, if he got a girlfriend tomorrow she would not be jealous, but she would with me etc. It seems that she finds him really attractive and interesting, but does not see him as serious boyfriend material. She is attracted to me too, but sees me more as the “safe and secure” guy who could be a serious boyfriend. The point is she is still crazy about this guy. She goes soft whenever she talks or thinks about him.

 

Then she starts fighting to get me back. This is actually what I had been hoping she would do for the last 4 weeks when I thought she only cheated in December. She is talking about cutting the other guy out of her life, and about wanting to buy a dog and build a life with me. She is even talking about supporting me and meet my own problems and needs. One of the worst things about our relationship (before I knew about the cheating) was that she was always pretty cold and disinterested in my problems and needs.

 

So, my question is really: why is she suddenly fighting to be with me now, and not when this started 4 weeks ago? Maybe she is not serious about an exclusive relationship but is just saying this stuff because she is panicking that the “safe and secure” guy (ie – me) has left her? Or maybe she felt there was no point fighting for me when I did not know the full truth about her cheating this year? Or maybe I had to finally leave her for her to realise that I was something special for her? One more possibility is that she has been stalling for time these last 4 weeks because she could not choose between me and the other man?

 

Please note, I will not be getting back with her. I just want to know why she is fighting for me now, after I found out the full truth of her cheating?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Chi townD]

She's like this because she discovered that the OM isn't relationship material. That he's not ready to settle down and enter into a long term relationship with her. She discovered that all she is to him is a piece on the side. Betcha she wouldn't be trying with you if this other guy was ready to settle down. But he's not and she wants to settle down and buy a dog.....

 

She even admitted to you that you were the "safe and secure" one. But, what happens when another "bad boy" comes into her life that she's attracted to?

[aliveagain]

Safe and secure is way down on the list, just above, "he has a nice personality" and "I like the way he shines my shoes." You just said it, "when our relationship was at it's strongest", she was banging him and lying to you. Stop making something out of nothing, she is a liar and a cheater. I will bet money that if you were to get back together with her you'll be reliving this exact scenario again the next time someone with the right qualifications comes around her. She is not good girlfriend material, she is not good wife material, she is just someone you dated. Leave it at that.

[James-London]

I think that's right she does not see the OM as relationship material. She is 30 now, and me and the OM are also similar ages. Although not relationship material, she is still very attracted to him and has feelings for him.

 

What bothers me is why is she now desperate for me to forgive her infidelities and to start again at the beginning? Maybe she thought I would never leave her so she had all the power? Maybe me leaving her made her realise what she had lost? Or maybe she is not really interested in a serious relationship with me and she just wants to have me in her back pocket to sort out her problems....

 

Given that she had sex with him as recently as late July, I will not be taking her back anyway. I would like to understand the above, but maybe it is irrelevant now?

[James-London]

Hi AliveAgain,

 

Thanks for your message. Please note - I will not be getting back together with her again. All I am wondering is why is she now starting to fight to get me back and build something new? This is the first time since all this started on 10 August.... In fact, its the first time she's made much effort in the entire 13 months.

 

That's all I'm wondering about here.... Thanks....

[mammasita]

I didn't even read past your title cheating ex-GF is finally wanting me back

 

I mean is it really necessary? Nothing you say beyond your title is relevant. All of the facts are bold and underlined.

 

Be glad that she is an EX and laugh in her face when you DENY her because she does not deserve you.

[James-London]

fair point mamasita. I just looked at your No Contact Guide link... I like the bit that says: closure is a bit like vomit: it comes from within and the sooner you get it out of your system the better...! :-)

[IAmRobot]

Why would she not want be with you? You're her dream toy. Taking care of all her needs as she ****s some other dude?

 

Get out of this. She simply is not attracted to you. If you get her back, she will just do it again. Why shouldn't she. She's attracted to the other guy and NOT you.

 

EDIT: Thank her for being honest at least.

[troubadour]

Don't contact her in any way.... just ignore her attempt of reaching out to you. It doesn't matter why she is doing it. She has already humilited you enough and you don't need more of her drama. Just keep on moving on like you have been doing!

 

And remember.... there is no better way to tell someone to **** off than ignoring them.

[road]

Hi guys,

 

I would be really grateful for your thoughts on this one. In brief summary, I went out with a girl for 13 months, starting in late June 2012. However, 4 weeks ago I found out that she slept with a guy 3 times last December. The last 4 weeks have been a nightmare because the truth has been coming out in little pieces and she has lied many times to protect herself. Initially she even tried to blame me for what she did by saying I was not spending enough time with her, although now she does recognise that cheating was her decision and her fault.

 

The story until yesterday was that she was only alone with him once this year to tell him that she was with me and did not want to cheat. Other than that, she saw him at 2 parties. However, yesterday she admitted that she has actually been on 5 or 6 dates with him and has slept with twice this year. I have been suspicious of this for the last 4 weeks, but I still feel shocked and hurt. She was even with him several times in the last 2 months when she said she loved me and our relationship was at its strongest!

 

What I need your help is this long email she wrote me yesterday, after admitting everything.

 

In brief, she is full of apologies and regret. She apologised for holding back the truth and all the lying which has totally messed up my last 4 weeks. She says she really did love me and she does not love the other man. Apparently, if he got a girlfriend tomorrow she would not be jealous, but she would with me etc. It seems that she finds him really attractive and interesting, but does not see him as serious boyfriend material. She is attracted to me too, but sees me more as the “safe and secure” guy who could be a serious boyfriend. The point is she is still crazy about this guy. She goes soft whenever she talks or thinks about him.

 

Then she starts fighting to get me back. This is actually what I had been hoping she would do for the last 4 weeks when I thought she only cheated in December. She is talking about cutting the other guy out of her life, and about wanting to buy a dog and build a life with me. She is even talking about supporting me and meet my own problems and needs. One of the worst things about our relationship (before I knew about the cheating) was that she was always pretty cold and disinterested in my problems and needs.

 

So, my question is really: why is she suddenly fighting to be with me now, and not when this started 4 weeks ago? Maybe she is not serious about an exclusive relationship but is just saying this stuff because she is panicking that the “safe and secure” guy (ie – me) has left her? Or maybe she felt there was no point fighting for me when I did not know the full truth about her cheating this year? Or maybe I had to finally leave her for her to realise that I was something special for her? One more possibility is that she has been stalling for time these last 4 weeks because she could not choose between me and the other man?

 

Please note, I will not be getting back with her. I just want to know why she is fighting for me now, after I found out the full truth of her cheating?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

 

If you stayed on the old post you would not have to summarize anything and new comers could get up to speed quickly with your whole story.

[stillafool]

Ignore her. She is using you as second best. She realized she isn't getting any younger and she needs a man to marry and support her when she has kids. Don't trust her again.

[CherryT]

I agree. Ignore her. My ex (we dated for several years) cheated on me. It also took him a month (when we broke up, I kicked him out and went NC and stuck to it) to try an get in touch with. I ignored him until he started showing up at my house. When he did that, I just told him point blank that I would NEVER get back together with him. So he shouldn't waste his breath, time and energy now. It's too late and I find him repulsing.

 

That was that. He still tries to make contact once or twice every year (it's been at least 5 years)... it goes unanswered.

 

Sometimes people do things that they do regret. They realize that the person they cheated with is just as bad as they are... and that sickens them. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. Just like her email shouldn't matter.

[bubbaganoosh]

She wants you back because he no doubt dumped her and she see's you as a fall back guy. Avoid her and her messages to you. You paid a price for it once, that should tell you not to do it twice.

[It's Just Me]

James, your question is completely moot. It doesn't matter why she's suddenly making a point of turning her interest towards you, does it?

 

You sound like a lovely person. Cut this twatwaffle douchewhore from your life, and make yourself available for someone who respects you completely. If you don't, I will fully expect to see you posting here again, about her, in less than three months. It sounds like she's got the attention span of a three year-old brat.

[James-London]

Hi all,

Maybe I made a little mistake yesterday. I wrote her an email to basically ask her: a) how many times she was with him/cheating on me this year, and b) why did she do it. She has never really explained these things. I explained to her that I had made up my mind not to take her back so it would not matter what she said. But if she wanted to let me know she could tell me.

 

Unfortunately, not going completely NC gives her some comfort I guess. And she has the power of knowing I still care about what happened. However, I did not ask her those things because I have any interest in whether she feels more or less guilty or powerful or whatever. These were just two things I wanted to understand so I did it purely for myself. Is she feels better or worse for me asking, it doesn't matter to me.

 

If she chooses not to explain I will not chase. I still have no intention of being any part of her life going forwards. It is totally irretrievable now... I hope that I did the right thing. Part of me wanted to have the power of complete NC because it would have made me feel more in control of the situation.... But when I look back on this in 6 months or a year or more that will not really matter. She will still look back on this and think of herself as a horrible lying cheat. I suppose that does give me some comfort.

[crederer]

She sounds like a total twat.

 

She's trying to get back with you because she found out the other guy is just looking to get his D wet and nothing more. So she cheated on you with a guy that sees her for nothing more than a wet hole. That's so insulting I'm offended and I don't even know you.

 

Don't contact her. Don't do anything that has to do with her.

[Darren Steez]

THIS IS EGO!

 

I find people don't actually factor in how much respect plays a part in relationships. Without mutual respect, respecting each others decisions, ideals etc there can be no harmony.

 

She slept with this guy multiple times, she didn't do it being dragged kicking or screaming. There was an attraction phase, flirting, escalation then finally doing the deed. During each one of these stages she could have stopped, but the truth is she just didn't respect you enough, so she went ahead and did it.

 

And now, you dumped her, you wanted answers and she continued to show you the same disrespect she showed you while she was cheating. This is all about her. It was when she was cheating, it was when she was not answering your questions and it is now.

 

I'd stick to no contact but I have a feeling you're not going to do that. This seems to be one of several threads dedicated to this woman. She's done a real job on you.

[James-London]

Thanks for your thoughts guys. She certainly has done a job on me, but I'm now in NC mode and I'm trying to move on.

 

There is a small correction to my post - she did not say she had sex with him two times this year. She actually said that she stayed in his bed two times because the trains had all closed and that NOTHING HAPPENED. She said she didn't tell me before because she knew I would think she cheated. Of course, I do not believe her - they both fancy each other, she has cheated multiple times before, and they are sharing a bed together... She has not even bothered to explain why she was at his house that late anyway. She only lives 20 minutes away from him and could have easily gone home earlier.

 

My question is - why is she putting me through all of this? Why can't she just say: you are not as important as him - goodbye! I could handle that fine. Instead she is talking about how I am her first choice and she loves me. She says she sees him as a friend and does not feel any need to sleep with him. She says she has shown this by not sleeping with him this year.

 

I am not entirely sure what she is trying to achieve here. Does she want me to believe her? Is this a game to see how far she can push me. Why does she want to keep me in her life so much when she is running around with this other guy? Even if nothing did happen, how can she be serious about me when she doing sharing a bed with another guy who she previous cheated on me with 3 times!!??

 

Perhaps the answer is that sharing a bed with him twice EVEN WITHOUT SEX is disrespectful enough for me to not take her back. If she can disrespect me like that, then she can easily have sex with him again!

[Darren Steez]

Thanks for your thoughts guys. She certainly has done a job on me, but I'm now in NC mode and I'm trying to move on.

 

There is a small correction to my post - she did not say she had sex with him two times this year. She actually said that she stayed in his bed two times because the trains had all closed and that NOTHING HAPPENED. She said she didn't tell me before because she knew I would think she cheated. Of course, I do not believe her - they both fancy each other, she has cheated multiple times before, and they are sharing a bed together... She has not even bothered to explain why she was at his house that late anyway. She only lives 20 minutes away from him and could have easily gone home earlier.

 

My question is - why is she putting me through all of this? Why can't she just say: you are not as important as him - goodbye! I could handle that fine. Instead she is talking about how I am her first choice and she loves me. She says she sees him as a friend and does not feel any need to sleep with him. She says she has shown this by not sleeping with him this year.

 

I am not entirely sure what she is trying to achieve here. Does she want me to believe her? Is this a game to see how far she can push me. Why does she want to keep me in her life so much when she is running around with this other guy? Even if nothing did happen, how can she be serious about me when she doing sharing a bed with another guy who she previous cheated on me with 3 times!!??

 

Perhaps the answer is that sharing a bed with him twice EVEN WITHOUT SEX is disrespectful enough for me to not take her back. If she can disrespect me like that, then she can easily have sex with him again!

 

Mate, it doesn't matter. You're torturing yourself with questions that will never be fully answered. You want to find reasons, the why's the where's the how's? Sincerity is a virtue, this is what you seek from her but it has never been there.

 

Just walk away and build a relationship with someone else. The more you doubt yourself, the more questions you ask, the more she wins. There is no easy answer to why someone would hurt you in such a way but people do.

[firemanq]

"twatwaffle douchewhore"

 

OK, you get the Award for the Best Name this week. Is it OK if I use that term of endearment for my x-wife?

[James-London]

Hey guys,

 

Well, I just wanted to run something by you all. It is now nearly 6 weeks since all of this kicked off. Initially, she only admitted to cheating those 3 times in December last year. I was desperately clinging to the hope that she had not cheated this year. I guess I was still trying to find a way of fixing it. I though that if she did not cheat this year (when she easily could have) then this might be some grounds for trusting her.

 

However, as you all suspected, she has been cheating this year too. On a rational level, I knew this for weeks already. But I could not accept it emotionally. But once she actually admitted it, I am devastated all over again. Maybe it is good she told me so I can now actually accept it.

 

The hardest thing for me is looking back and remembering all the times she showed affection and care for me. I could not reconcile this with her cheating. But now I am thinking that she probably did really "love me" on some levels. But she did not respect me at all - she took me for granted, and she was not serious/committed to the relationship (as is obvious from her cheating). I guess its like having a pet dog that you care about but do not see as an equal.

 

I really want to just put this all behind me now. Do any of you have any tips for this, or is it just a case or riding out the storm? Also, what is your experience with therapists in overcoming breakups due to infidelity?

 

Many thanks.

[candie13]

James... I don't know what to say about infidelity. The only thing I know is the following: if it happened once, it will happen again. And in the end, it is irrelevant if she only cheater three times, one year or three years. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

One of my best friends went through infidelity and she gave me this amazing article about how to rebuild your relationship. Go through it, make your SO read it and then decide if you can stick to those steps, together.

 

Please ignore the religious blah blah at the end, I think it's one of the best ever articles I ever read:

 

11 Tips On How to Rebuild Your Spouse?s Trust After a betrayal | Habibbobat's Blog

 

Best of luck, James

[Jim305]

Maybe she's trying to get you back, maybe she's just playing with you. Either way, she's pain and trouble. I know how it is to grasp at every straw, try just a little harder to give her the benefit of the doubt trying to save it. When you've got to move on, force yourself to do it, and move on. She was lying even when things were strong? She was always cold and disinterested in your life? Man, she doesn't deserve any more of your thought, energy, worry, and angst. Better throw this one back in the ocean. Good luck.

[James-London]

Hi there,

Thanks for your posts. Please note that I have left her. I dumped her a good week ago and I have no intention of keeping her in my life in any way in the future. sorry, I should have specified that in my last post.

 

The thing I am going through now is looking back and wondering what was real/genuine (if anything at all). She was a total pain and a nuisance but there were also many moments of affection and caring too. It is hard to believe that I was just imagining all of those.

 

So, my question is - if those times were real and she really did care about me (or EVEN love me), how is it possible for her to cheat like she did? Can you love someone and cheat at the same time? If so, how? Maybe she did love/care about me as a person, but she did not value or respect me as a boyfriend... Not sure if that is right though?

 

There are 1000 possible reasons why she cheated. Maybe she was just lonely (as she says) or maybe she was scared of intimacy... However, perhaps the point here is that it doesn't matter what she really felt given that I have already decided not to keep her in my life? Its hard though, because knowing the truth would give me some closure on this.

 

Thanks everyone!