Separated, but not really

[deeech]

I was a widower that remarried. First wife was my first true love, together 10 years when she died suddenly without warning. Raised our kids on my own, eventually remarried to a woman that became my second great love. Am very grateful to have had two great loves when so many haven't any. We married, had a child together and I had never seen her happier. After 19 years of being deeply in love, she called me on the phone when I was away on business to tell me she wasn't in love anymore. I was totally blindsided. She said she wanted her own life (I'm 15 years older) and that she felt like I was controlling her. She insisted that there was not another guy, but I later found out that she was involved with a neighbor (she said they didn't become romantic until after I moved out...but I'll never really know what happened and when.)

 

My problem is that we share custody of our teen daughter, who spends every weekend with me, as well as dinner on Wednesday. That means I see my ex 4 times a week, Friday, Sunday and twice Wednesday. We also attend all our daughter's school activities together. The three of us go out to dinner to celebrate all our birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day and spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together. We do all this for our daughter, who is special needs; but I have to admit that there is part of me that wants it too.

 

All of this is making it very hard to get over my wife. I moved out 5 years ago but after lots of therapy and antidepressants I'm still a mess. I'm very busy with my job which helps distract me. Between my job and the expense of alimony and child support I don't have the time or the means to date anymore. We are still legally married so I can keep her on my insurance. Neither of us plans to remarry.

 

My older kids all live out of town and I only see them occasionally.

 

I am working so hard to move on for my sake and my daughter's. It tortures me that my former next door neighbor I thought was a friend (and was supposed to be gay) is spending weekends with my ex and sees my daughter every day. My daughter and I are very close, but I have a terrible time thinking of she and my ex being with another guy.

 

Any suggestions are more than welcome. Thanks

[keepontruckin]

Why are you still legally married?

 

I know you still love her, but trust me... File for divorce, and move on.

[deeech]

We have to stay legally married 2 more years to keep her on my health insurance, otherwise I have to pay for her insurance. Then we can divorce.

 

What I'm trying to figure out is how to deal with this even after the divorce. I'm 63 and my dating prospects are limited. With my daughter with me every weekend, I'm not likely to find a new LTR. If I could it might make a difference.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[cozycottagelg]

I see you are from upstate NY... I am close by, and my mom is 61..and single

 

I know not what you are looking for exactly..but you will find someone.

 

And you know...not having money isn't a bad thing. It sucks to struggle, but at least you will find a woman interested in you, not what you can provide for her.

 

My mom is a babe...just sayin!

[aliveagain]

I see you are from upstate NY... I am close by, and my mom is 61..and single

 

I know not what you are looking for exactly..but you will find someone.

 

And you know...not having money isn't a bad thing. It sucks to struggle, but at least you will find a woman interested in you, not what you can provide for her.

 

My mom is a babe...just sayin!

 

 

I think you two should meet, everyone needs a friend. You need to stop attending diners, Christmas, birthdays with the wife. Do those things with your daughter, make them special for the two of you. Whatever your reasons are for not divorcing should not be a reason for keeping contact. Your wife still has you for security and the neighbor looks after all her emotional and sexual needs, she's got it made. You never allowed her to miss you, your still hanging around like a lost puppy looking for any scraps that fall on the floor. Stop this behavior or you will never move on, seriously. Start saying "no" to any invite that involves the three of you, read up on the 180 and use it to help you detach from her.

[cozycottagelg]

I think you two should meet, everyone needs a friend. You need to stop attending diners, Christmas, birthdays with the wife. Do those things with your daughter, make them special for the two of you. Whatever your reasons are for not divorcing should not be a reason for keeping contact. Your wife still has you for security and the neighbor looks after all her emotional and sexual needs, she's got it made. You never allowed her to miss you, your still hanging around like a lost puppy looking for any scraps that fall on the floor. Stop this behavior or you will never move on, seriously. Start saying "no" to any invite that involves the three of you, read up on the 180 and use it to help you detach from her.

 

I agree. I think you can spend a lot of time with your daughter, without your ex around. The part about her never having the opportunity to miss you is such a great point.

[Mr. Lucky]

We do all this for our daughter, who is special needs; but I have to admit that there is part of me that wants it too.

Did you know that the word "divorce" comes from the same Latin root word as "divert", as in to turn your attention elsewhere ?

 

You can't move on simply because you're not trying. It would similarly be hard to lose weight while stuffing yourself with Pizza. Since you seem set on preventing your own success, the only that can change this is you.

 

Others have given you great advice on establishing your own post-divorced life with your daughter. And by definition, that life doesn't include your ex-wire to any great extent. It sounds like she's got her own thing going, time for you to man up and do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[keepontruckin]

We have to stay legally married 2 more years to keep her on my health insurance, otherwise I have to pay for her insurance. Then we can divorce.

 

What I'm trying to figure out is how to deal with this even after the divorce. I'm 63 and my dating prospects are limited. With my daughter with me every weekend, I'm not likely to find a new LTR. If I could it might make a difference.

 

Thanks for the advice.

First off, you will find that once you are divorced, things get easier pretty quick.

 

Until my wife had me served with papers, I still clung on to some hope. It's hopeless to cling onto false hope, and a divorce is one more step to freeing yourself. It is working for me. She wants nothing to do with me, and I will accept that.

 

And you're never too old to meet someone... You just have to release yourself from baggage of the past. And still being married is clearly bringing baggage to any potentially new relationship, no?

 

I'm not sure what position you are in financially, or if there's some way to get out of paying for her expenses, but I suggest you do something here...

[deeech]

Thanks for the encouragement. Would love to meet your Mom. I live in the Buffalo area, in what part of Upstate does your Mom live?

 

deeech

 

I see you are from upstate NY... I am close by, and my mom is 61..and single

 

I know not what you are looking for exactly..but you will find someone.

 

And you know...not having money isn't a bad thing. It sucks to struggle, but at least you will find a woman interested in you, not what you can provide for her.

 

My mom is a babe...just sayin!