My husband says not to worry about strippers

[billswife]

I used to think my husband was the most wonderful man, but lately he has started running with a group of men that want to take him to parties where wives are not invited, but groups of stripper/whores are. I am not making this up. These girls are seen as "property" of the guys, and are to be used as such. Supposably, wives are seen in much higher regard than these girls.

 

He really likes this group of guys, and says that THEY are not like that, just the guys that host the parties (a different group that his group is friends with) are like that. His group is different and I should not worry about them doing anything I wouldn't like.

 

I have talked with another wife whose husband is in the same group. She says that since most guys in the group are married and would never do anything shady, I shouldn't worry about the strippers.

 

1. I disapprove of him going to see strippers without me present. We have done lots of crazy and wild things together, but when we are apart, I expect us both to be on our best behavior.

 

2. This isn't a strip club, where the dancers are on stage and he is in the crowd, this is a party where the opportunity for close contact is ten times as much.

 

3. I honestly don't think he would cheat, but peer pressure might lead him to receive a lap dance or other physical contact short of sex in order to please his guy friends.

 

4. I am not even going to comment on the whole "girls as property" thing, its disgusting.

 

5. I tried to get him to picture me at a party with a bunch of naked men waving their wieners in my face and he said that he trusts me and it wouldn't bother him. Yeah, right. I don't believe him. He just said that b/c he knows that would never happen, so why should he worry about it.

 

My question: Is this marriage savable? Should he refuse to go to the parties to prove he is an upstanding husband and good man? Am I being unreasonable to think that being around other naked girls WITHOUT ME PRESENT is wrong?

[JadeStar]

I think the marriage is savageble. However it may just be harmless fun, but I also believe that people can be influenced by others. Of course he is going to tell you, you have nothing to worry about, that sounds like such a typical answer to me. I see it like this, he knows it bothers you and reguardless of wheather he is doing anything he shouldn't or not, your feelings should come before his friends. It should be like that with any situation. Tell him if he wants to hang with his buddies they should find other things to do besides hanging out at strip clubs etc. After you tell him how you feel, tell him see ya later me and the girls are going to a male review.

[Merin]

Why is your husband attending so many "parties"

 

From what you've said, I'm getting the idea this has become an ongoing event?

[billswife]

Actually, he hasn't gone to one yet. From what I can tell, these things happen like 4 times a year. Not exactly routine, but still too much for my comfort level.

 

He was really mad last night b/c I told him it bothered me and he said he hadn't even done it yet...he feels like he is in trouble for something that hasn't even happened. I told him that if he would just say, "hon, when the party turns ugly, I am outta there" then I would feel better (not great, but better). He proceded to give me some song and dance about how he will be stuck there b/c he's the driver or whatever. These parties aren't even in the same town, so my suggestion that I pick him up when he's had enough was shot down, too.

 

I feel like he is more concerned with this group of his liking him than with his own wife respecting him.

[Merin]

Well.. I think your husband needs to understand that he isn't in "trouble" for something he hasn't done YET.

He needs to understand how and why you feel the way you do regarding this topic.

 

Some kind of an agreement has got to be reached here.. it doesn't seem he is willing to give anything here, and that isn't okay You're BOTH in the marriage together.

 

It sounds like your husband is trying to "justify" doing this against your wishes.. if a solution isn't found and he goes ahead with this anyway.. it's going to get ugly between the two of you.

 

Gosh I wish I had more help to offer

[EnigmaXOXO]

Tell your husband you won't worry about buddies and boobies so long as he leaves $200 on the kitchen table every time he goes out on the town.

 

After all, that's about what he'll be guzzling in beer and shoving into G-Strings every weekend while you're stuck at home.

 

Fair is Fair, and if anyone deserves to get paid for putting up with this mid-life BS…it's YOU!

 

Go shopping, with HIS credit card…then tell him "not to worry."

[Ladyjane14]

I'm of 2 schools of thought here.

 

The first being that if he's not given you any reason to distrust him in the past, why not let him go to one of these 'events' and appease his curiosity? The fact that you trust him, and that you're not trying to control his life could go a long way to bolstering the health of your relationship with him.

 

My second thought is much in agreement with Enigma. If you just CANNOT live with it. Let him know that what is sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose. In other words, he sets the parameters for appropriate behavior in your committed relationship, and whatever money he spends, whatever activity he engages in, you WILL do the same.

 

That will likely lead to a fight, so you'll need to prioritize the importance of this.

 

Good Luck.

 

P.S. It'll be interesting to see what the 'Man's perspective' is on this. So, consider waiting for some of the guys to post before you take it up with your husband.

[billswife]

Thanks for responding! I am hoping, hoping, hoping, that after he sleeps on it for a while he will stop being so mad at me and seeing me as the rule-maker party-pooper and start thinking about whether this is really something worth jeopardizing our marriage over.

 

He did say that if I told him it was "me or the guys" he would stop hanging out with them. But I don't think that is the right way to handle it. He would only resent me. I want him to do the right thing on his own. Amazingly, I think it would be possible to remain friends with these guys while still avoiding the shady parties.

 

if a solution isn't found and he goes ahead with this anyway.. it's going to get ugly between the two of you.

I agree....this is really pushing the limits of what I find acceptable in a marriage. I have picked my battles...I don't pester him about the little things...but this isn't little.

 

Tell your husband you won't worry about buddies and boobies so long as he leaves $200 on the kitchen table every time he goes out on the town.

:laugh: I think I may do that!!!

 

Ladyjane--I am very interested in the man's perspective! I hope some of them reply soon!!

[CraigC]

Ok, I might as well be the first. From what I think I heard being said, I think I have to agree with you girls on what seems to be the two topics: (1) he seems too deep in trying to get these guys happy and I say who even cares (maybe it's just me but I've NEVER gone for peer pressure as an adult). There's nothing wrong with "having fun with the guys though" but like "freedom is not free" he does need to balance it all out, and (2) Temptation is all around us already, but strippers at a private party does sound "too much". But it is quite possible that nothing would happen.

[heckno]

Red Flag.

 

Agreed, maybe nothing would happen at these "parties" with the whores and strippers...who are looked at as personal property.

 

That's another thing.. Personal property? So it's paid A$$? But only to strip, right? So, they gets lots of money, and they're not in a club....yeah, right. Sounds like something hookers do.

 

Well, i'm going to play devils advocate real quick. He says these men are all married and would never do anything. Ok.. right. Because well, we all KNOW married never cheat. Right? I mean, why would they need to? They're married. So, that comment of his gets thrown out of the window. Now, let's say these men aren't the most faithful of the bunch. YOu know, birds of a feather flock together. Now, your husband has recently joined the "fraternity flock of birds" so maybe he doesn't know what the rest of the flock is REALLY like, possibly?

 

So, maybe nothing would happen. But, if these guys are lying cheating birdies, and he's really impressed by them, he might indeed do something to impress them to live up to the "birdie" standard. Your feelings on this are correct, and valid in the fact that anything can happen.

 

Now, let's forget this whole scenario real quick. Lets focus on your marriage.

 

See, when you're in a marriage, what one person does affects the other, sometimes for life. So, seeing as this is completely obvious.. you make decisions together on certain things. of course you know this..i have a point

 

If this really bothers you, tell him. Tell him why. Tell him you're not trying to be the lame o wife by cutting the party short, or a nag, since that's not you. But i'd definitely tell him why it's a big deal, even though it hasn't happend yet. And that is, because if it does happen, and there's any doubt, it can cause a lot of problems later in marriage. There's one simple formula to remember in life.

 

Frustration= Anger

Anger=Hurt

Hurt=Resentment

 

WHy let it get that far? In a marriage, if one person says "honey, I really don't like this".. the other respectful partner says, honey, I understand, it's semi reasonable, and I wont do it. Ok, maybe not those exact words.. but you get my point. You're MARRIED. He should respect your wishes, and vice versa. As a matter of fact, i'm kind of surprised he'd want to push the limits of "private parties with owned women" anyway. If my husband said that, and I replied with a "yeah, i'm not comfortable with that".. it wouldn't even be an issue. He'd respect my feelings enough not to make it a issue and wouldn't go.

 

Marriage is not about being selfish, it's about being SELFLESS. I think you should tell him not to go if you're uncomfortable. And don't feel bad about telling him either. You deserve the proper respect for your feelings on this, from him.

 

I know i'd certainly be upset if my husband went out of town 4 times a year, to a party, without me, with paid girls, naked, in a private setting, and burning OUR money on god knows what. I'd probably divorce him. Just the idea would piss me off, not that I think he'd do anything. But it's something i wouldn't be able to cope/live with. NO WAY.

[heckno]

Sorry, I misread the "married guys wont/ don't do anything shady".. So it wasn't your husband that said that, and another wife. My apologies, but the comment is still lame.

[billswife]

THANK YOU ALL!!!!

 

After sleeping on it, he realized that he would feel uncomfortable if the roles were reversed and he says he will NOT be going to any of those parties, now that he understands what I would be feeling.

 

I agree with heckno, that it would have been better for him to just say that from the get go out of respect for ME saying that I would be uncomfortable, rather than having to wait for him to see that HE would be uncomfortable if the situation were reversed. He isn't showing a complete respect for my feelings, but at least its a step in the right direction.

 

The major threat--drunk + naked = trouble, is over.

 

Now I just have to figure out how to avoid this the next time something comes up (and in a marriage, it always does.)

 

And the whole "flock of birdies" thing...I never thought of it like that, but that is an EXCELLENT point, and something I will definitely have to keep my eye on.

 

THanks again for all the responses. I'm 5 months pregnant and wanted to make sure that it wasn't just the hormones making me crazy!