gf called from work confessing to cheating

[Colvert]

I've been living with my gf for 11 months to be exact and I really thought it was the perfect relationship. We had similar goals such as traveling on vacation, are family oriented and hard workers, adore books and were very interested in moving the relationship forward one day. I never liked staying in endless relationships nor getting drunk on clubs as I see no point to that.

 

Then Wednesday was the saddest day ever for me. My cell phone was ringing and it was her calling from her workplace. She hardly ever calls from work unless it's an emergency so immediately I thought it really has to be something serious or bad. It was. I answered and she went on crying that it was very fast but had to confessed. I asked What you talking about, confess what?. She replied I slept with someone else yesterday night when going out with friends. I just told her to get back to work and we'll talk about it when it's over.

 

It's been very hard really. She cheated with some guy I've seen before a couple of time and we were acquaintances. As of now she has been asking for another chance and answered all my questions. I can't think of anything else to ask her but I'm beyond hurt. Is it really me being too serious that might have played a role in her cheating?

[Tulsy]

I've been living with my gf for 11 months to be exact and I really thought it was the perfect relationship. ...she went on crying that it was very fast but ...She replied I slept with someone else yesterday night when going out with friends....

It's been very hard really. She cheated with some guy I've seen before a couple of time and we were acquaintances. As of now she has been asking for another chance and answered all my questions. I can't think of anything else to ask her but I'm beyond hurt. Is it really me being too serious that might have played a role in her cheating?

 

NO way! Not on you at all, totally on her. Tell her to pack her chit and get out.

 

You are lucky to find out early on what an untrustworthy cheat she is.

 

Forget any second chances...it would be the worst mistake you ever made, taking her back.

 

Pull a 180 and have absolutely no more contact with her. It will be hard at first, but you'll move on.

[Colvert]

This is indeed the hardest thing. While I know cheating is always wrong, I do believe she is deeply remorseful. Why else would she call me from her workplace?

 

I had no chances of ever finding out without her confession. I'm hesitating at the moment. Part of me wants to send her to hell but another part, the softer one wants to give her a second chance.

[JamesM]

Find out all of the details. Find out why she says it happened. And with that information, decide if it is worth rebuilding.

 

Know that it will be a tough road so you had better decide if this relationship is valuable enough to endure the doubts and insecurities and lack of trust that is sure to follow.

 

Personally, I would really analyze this, because if you are not married yet and she has cheated, then you can only imagine how it will be after a few years.

 

Without knowing more info, I cannot be 100% certain, but at this point, I would probably move on and ask her to go her separate way.

[nescafe1982]

No, not your fault at all. Do NOT take the blame for someone else's bad behavior.

 

You need some distance from her, immediately. Tell her to move out, right this second. Now, some people can make things work after an episode of infidelity (usually in the context of a marriage), but right now you need a) space/distance from her, b) time to process your feelings without her interfering, and c) to be around supportive people who care about you.

 

I would have her move out, and take the next few months with NO contact with her. In the meantime, think about whether you can deal with what she's done. If she's serious about wanting to make it up to you, she will wait as long as it takes for you to process this betrayal.

 

That's a start. I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. But it is not your fault, and it was out of your control. Blaming yourself may feel like it gives you control over what happened, but it's bad for your soul. Good luck as you heal. Be around people you trust.

[JamesM]

Is it really me being too serious that might have played a role in her cheating?

 

I doubt it, but why do YOU think so?

[aliveagain]

You don't have to decide anything permanent today. She needs to agree to IC before you agree to reconciliation, she has to get professional help to find out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat on you? Even drunks know right from wrong, so being drunk is not an acceptable excuse. You both need to get tested, no sex until you do. I suggest you do an at home pregnancy test at the same time, get rid of any doubt. Make sure you tell the doctor your reason's for the test, they don't test for all STD's unless you tell them why. You will probably have to repeat the test in 6 months, some STD's don't show up until months after the event. Even if they used protection you can still contact an STD by finger insertion or by oral. None of this is your fault, accept no blame for her infidelity. It's a good sign that she told you the day after about her cheating. She needs to get any facilitators that may have encouraged her out of your life, they are not friends of your relationship. If the O/M is in a relationship, expose him. Tell your girlfriend what you need from her to keep you in the relationship, your always strongest at time of confrontation, she may not agree to the terms later. Stay strong.

[KathyM]

People that have such poor self control, and are/were willing to hurt their SO so deeply as to be unfaithful to them, are a poor risk for a healthy relationship. You are not married to her, and you don't have kids with her. It would be pretty easy to move on at this point. If you were to stay with her, the road to recovery would be a very painful one. You would not trust her, and in the back of your mind, you would always wonder when/if she would ever do it again, especially in the times things were rocky between you. It's probably best to move on.

[JamesM]

You will probably have to repeat the test in 6 months, some STD's don't show up until months after the event. Even if they used protection you can still contact an STD by finger insertion or by oral.

 

Don't panic about STDs. While she could have gotten an STD in her mouth from oral, it is not that likely. While he could have given her an STD from his mouth to her, it is unlikely. And I have never heard of STDs being passed by fingers. If they used a condom, then it is unlikely that any STDs (provided that one of them was even infected) were exchanged.

 

The main concern is not STDs, although I agree that you should be tested simply for your peace of mind. The main concern here is trust. This one is not about you but about her.

[Chi townD]

I don't know dude. This would probably be a dealbreaker.

 

Need more information. How did this go down? Did you ever think that something was a bit "off" with her and this dude? Her reasons on why this happened? How did this guy just "happen" to be where she was going out?

 

Sorry, but a LOT of girls don't just "give it up" unless there's a strong sexual pull that was already there or one that had developed over time.

[nescafe1982]

I don't know dude. This would probably be a dealbreaker.

 

Need more information. How did this go down? Did you ever think that something was a bit "off" with her and this dude? Her reasons on why this happened? How did this guy just "happen" to be where she was going out?

 

Sorry, but a LOT of girls don't just "give it up" unless there's a strong sexual pull that was already there or one that had developed over time.

 

^ True. And I am willing to bet money that if OP does go no-contact for a while as he tries to process this, she will show her true colors if she's not as remorseful as she says she is.

[aliveagain]

Don't panic about STDs. While she could have gotten an STD in her mouth from oral, it is not that likely. While he could have given her an STD from his mouth to her, it is unlikely. And I have never heard of STDs being passed by fingers. If they used a condom, then it is unlikely that any STDs (provided that one of them was even infected) were exchanged.

 

The main concern is not STDs, although I agree that you should be tested simply for your peace of mind. The main concern here is trust. This one is not about you but about her.

 

Sorry James but be concerned. Breech of trust is huge and some of us never get over it. Trichomonas Vaginalis can be spread by mutual masturbation when bodily fluids from one partner come into contact with the other partners genitals. Herpes can invade the body virtually anywhere, you can become infected by kissing someone with a herpes cold sore, it can happen through the eyes, fingers, as well as other body parts. The virus can survive for hours outside the body. If someone infected touches a sore with their fingers than inserts them into their partner it is very possible. Get tested, be safe, herpes are for life.

[Madman81]

I doubt I could move beyond something like that. I'd probably have to end the relationship. I suppose it's a positive thing that she confessed, rather than getting caught, but still... it's a very difficult thing to get beyond, even in the best possible circumstances (which are still very shytty).

 

But, ultimately, you're the only one who can make that decision. If you do decide to give her another chance, you need to demand several things of her.

 

1. She must cut off absolutely all communication with the guy she cheated with. She unfriends him on Facebook, deletes his number. If she happens to encounter him, she walks away immediately. If she's out with friends and he turns up, she leaves. If he contacts her, she disengages immediately and IMMEDIATELY tells you about it.

 

2. She must make her life an absolutely open book to you. She makes herself accountable to you, 24/7. Where she is, who she's with, when she'll be back.

 

3. She gives you absolute, anytime access to her cell phone, email, Facebook, internet search history, so that you can check it anytime you want.

 

These should be absolutely non-negotiable. She's broken your trust. If she wants to have any chance of rebuilding it, the above things are the minimum. They're aimed at getting rid of secrecy. If she resists any of this, or whines about "privacy" or something like that, dump her.

 

Good luck. You're going to need it.

[IAmRobot]

This is indeed the hardest thing. While I know cheating is always wrong, I do believe she is deeply remorseful. Why else would she call me from her workplace?

 

I had no chances of ever finding out without her confession. I'm hesitating at the moment. Part of me wants to send her to hell but another part, the softer one wants to give her a second chance.

 

IMO the topic should not even go about whether she is remorseful or not.

Question is will you ever be able to TRUST her around any guy? This guy was a guy you knew.....

[drifter777]

Reconciliation is probably the hardest thing you will ever do, and it might end up with a split-up anyway. You are not married and there is no reason to put yourself through all that pain. End the relationship and move on. Learn from this that you should never trust anyone unconditionally and get on with your life.

[The Way I Am]

Sorry James but be concerned. Breech of trust is huge and some of us never get over it. Trichomonas Vaginalis can be spread by mutual masturbation when bodily fluids from one partner come into contact with the other partners genitals. Herpes can invade the body virtually anywhere, you can become infected by kissing someone with a herpes cold sore, it can happen through the eyes, fingers, as well as other body parts. The virus can survive for hours outside the body. If someone infected touches a sore with their fingers than inserts them into their partner it is very possible. Get tested, be safe, herpes are for life.

 

The girl cheated last night with a guy. Presumably she hasn't had time to have sex with OP since that incident. So why is him getting himself STD tested such an urgent priority? Is it because you're guessing that she might be lying and has cheated before or something else? Just trying to understand the thought process here.

[Colvert]

I doubt it, but why do YOU think so?

It took me a while finding a relationship and it wasn't until my junior year in college that I had my first date. My gf is only the 3rd girl I've been with and now I'm 26 years old. I've been told by some of my friends that I seem too serious and advanced for my age and they can't understand why I don't like clubbing and partying.

 

Regarding what's been happening, I had her moved out a couple hours ago and said I needed time to think about it. I really haven't made any decisions on whether I want to work it out or break up. It's so hard for me to think and I'm very upset. My former acquaintance she cheated with, is a single guy that is known to go many casual dates and I recalled one time, he explained about how he would have some affairs with taken women (even one that was married) and just do it for the fun of it.

 

I never had that guy (Tyron is his name) as a closed friend and some people would keep their distance because of what he is known to do. I even told my gf about him and she still fell for that total loser.

[Colvert]

Reconciliation is probably the hardest thing you will ever do, and it might end up with a split-up anyway. You are not married and there is no reason to put yourself through all that pain. End the relationship and move on. Learn from this that you should never trust anyone unconditionally and get on with your life.

I've decided to take a break for the meantime. I want to think about it and she has already started searching for counselors.

 

It was a drunken ONS she had with Tyron. They only had sex once and a condom was used. But she told me that while it was happening, she felt sick and realized what she was doing, pushed him off and ran off crying.

Edited September 14, 2013 by Colvert

[Colvert]

Sorry, but a LOT of girls don't just "give it up" unless there's a strong sexual pull that was already there or one that had developed over time.

Both of were drunk and she gave it up to Tyron the loser.

 

This is what upsets me the most. I warned her about him and she still cheated with him.

[nescafe1982]

It took me a while finding a relationship and it wasn't until my junior year in college that I had my first date. My gf is only the 3rd girl I've been with and now I'm 26 years old. I've been told by some of my friends that I seem too serious and advanced for my age and they can't understand why I don't like clubbing and partying.

 

Regarding what's been happening, I had her moved out a couple hours ago and said I needed time to think about it. I really haven't made any decisions on whether I want to work it out or break up. It's so hard for me to think and I'm very upset. My former acquaintance she cheated with, is a single guy that is known to go many casual dates and I recalled one time, he explained about how he would have some affairs with taken women (even one that was married) and just do it for the fun of it.

 

I never had that guy (Tyron is his name) as a closed friend and some people would keep their distance because of what he is known to do. I even told my gf about him and she still fell for that total loser.

 

Good for you for asserting some space for yourself. And you know, there is NO rush at all to come to a decision about whether you can trust her again or not. NO RUSH. Seriously, really give yourself time to process all of this information and emotion. It's still fresh now.

 

If she's serious about reconciliation, she will wait. In the meantime, let yourself feel sad, angry, jealous, betrayed, whatever it is when/if it comes up. It's the only way to get to the conclusion. Good luck.

 

Also, **** Tyron. People like that will never take responsibility for how much they hurt others.

[Keke1]

I've decided to take a break for the meantime. I want to think about it and she has already started searching for counselors.

 

It was a drunken ONS she had with Tyron. They only had sex once and a condom was used. But she told me that while it was happening, she felt sick and realized what she was doing, pushed him off and ran off crying.

 

Lol don't be a clown. You believe that then don't go through this charade of putting her out and bringing her back.

Again at bold-Lol

[stillafool]

 

But she told me that while it was happening, she felt sick and realized what she

was doing, pushed him off and ran off crying

 

Naturally she would say this, do not believe it for one minute.

 

Both of were drunk and she gave it up to Tyron the loser.

 

This is what upsets me the most. I warned her about him and she still cheated with him.

 

Why do women keep blaming their choices on alcohol? She knew exactly what she was doing and she was turned on by a bad boy. Simple as that. It had nothing, nothing to do with getting drunk. That is the most popular excuse used these days. Unless she is 14 and this was her first time drinking alcohol, do not believe it.

[Jbum5]

Assert yourself as you have been and maintain composure. A door has been opened that can't be closed no matter how much your "soft" side would like to.

 

Even if you give it another go, you'll statistically end up breaking it off over the very same incident (due to mistrust) whether it happens again or not.

 

It's like a perfect basil panna cotta with sweet tomato jam - once you drop that piece of heaven on the floor you're better off cleaning the mess up and getting a new one made. You don't want to eat off the floor and get sick now, do you?

 

Stay classy; don't be a classic lovesick fool.

[bubbaganoosh]

Why else would she call me from her workplace?

QUOTE]

 

Because she didn't have the guts to face you. And that bit about being drunk and feeling sick about it? She wasn't sick because of what she had done, it was from being drunk. Like I say, if you can't hold your booze than don't drink and it is obvious she can't drink.

[crederer]

Christ man, why are you even considering taking this gutter slut back? Seriously???

 

Good god man, find your spine and ride it outta here.