gf called from work confessing to cheating

[James-London]

When I found out my gf cheated I looked on google and found a bunch of articles about why women cheat. Mostly it is about: she feels lack of emotional connection/poor communication, she feels neglected or not getting enough attention, she feeling bored with you, or the sex is not good enough for her. I do not think women just cheat for no reason. Make sure you are clear on the reasons and that they make sense to you. Can the relationship be improved to accommodate these things, and is that something you even want to do? Also, what are your needs in the relationship and are they being met?

 

I agree with the other posters. You should have space from each other for a good 2 or 3 months and see how you still feel about each other after that. Stepping away from her like this is important because it also shows that there are consequences to her actions. If you take her back, you MUST realise that the chances of her cheating again are MUCH higher. This is true even if she says she will never do it again. There is a chance she will be faithful, but the risk is much higher.

 

I think it counts for a lot that she was honest with you about it. I had to hack into her Facebook account and found out she had cheated multiple times last year. It has then taken me the last month for her to admit to cheating this year. It also counts for something that she is taking steps to find counsellors. If you want to rebuild something, there should be consequences to her cheating. What do you want more of in the relationship? Make sure whatever you ask for are things she can reasonably carry out for you...

[James-London]

ps. sorry, when I said "her" in the final paragraph, I was talking about the nightmare I have been going through with my now ex-gf.

[Chi townD]

Both of were drunk and she gave it up to Tyron the loser.

 

This is what upsets me the most. I warned her about him and she still cheated with him.

 

 

DING!!! DING!!!! Oh, and don't believe anything she told you. Cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what TRUELY happened.

 

So, you can bet that a condom WASN'T used. Come on, they were drunk and it just happened and that's what she wants you to believe. But, if something "just happened" isn't kind of odd that they "just happened" to have a condom available for the event?

 

Again, don't believe what she's telling you.

[The Way I Am]

But, if something "just happened" isn't kind of odd that they "just happened" to have a condom available for the event?

 

Being realistic, a guy who nails a lot of women or has the intent to do so most likely would have a condom with him.

[aliveagain]

That's just the thing, most guys I know that nail a lot of woman don't wear condoms, they want the rush of full contact specially when its someone else's wife or girlfriend, sick.

[BeholdtheMan]

Find out all of the details. Find out why she says it happened. And with that information, decide if it is worth rebuilding.

 

Know that it will be a tough road so you had better decide if this relationship is valuable enough to endure the doubts and insecurities and lack of trust that is sure to follow.

 

Personally, I would really analyze this, because if you are not married yet and she has cheated, then you can only imagine how it will be after a few years.

 

Without knowing more info, I cannot be 100% certain, but at this point, I would probably move on and ask her to go her separate way.

Excellent advice right here.

 

You two aren't even married yet and she has already spread her legs for another guy.

 

However, you can still respect her as a person for being honest with you. This is how I would handle it:

 

I'd thank her for telling me the truth, letting her know that a I respect her honesty. I'd firmly state that cheating is a deal-breaker and tell her that it's over. I wouldn't try to shame her or anything like that. I'd just go full no contact.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I've been living with my gf for 11 months to be exact and I really thought it was the perfect relationship. We had similar goals such as traveling on vacation, are family oriented and hard workers, adore books and were very interested in moving the relationship forward one day. I never liked staying in endless relationships nor getting drunk on clubs as I see no point to that.

 

Then Wednesday was the saddest day ever for me. My cell phone was ringing and it was her calling from her workplace. She hardly ever calls from work unless it's an emergency so immediately I thought it really has to be something serious or bad. It was. I answered and she went on crying that it was very fast but had to confessed. I asked What you talking about, confess what?. She replied I slept with someone else yesterday night when going out with friends. I just told her to get back to work and we'll talk about it when it's over.

 

It's been very hard really. She cheated with some guy I've seen before a couple of time and we were acquaintances. As of now she has been asking for another chance and answered all my questions. I can't think of anything else to ask her but I'm beyond hurt. Is it really me being too serious that might have played a role in her cheating?

 

You'd be crazy to continue a relationship with this girl and absolutely insane to go further with her (say, marriage).

 

Once as cheater, always a cheater. Walk away while you still can.

[BeholdtheMan]

????? You should be serious.

I mean why waste time for fun with someone?

 

It was wrong what she did.

But be happy you know that fast.

Some people even marry and get to know way later.

 

So its up to you to choose what to do.

Because we can tell you to break up but you still stay.

So do what you want but dont act like its okay

while you still hurt and mad.

 

Whatever you want to do i think for now its better to separate for a while

so you can process and deal with the hurt.

 

And i think once you go out to clubs and have drinks

anything can happen.

Because those are places where people go for stuff like that.

And alcohol is not your friend. But especially adult people that drink

know exactly what they are doing. Because they know what alcohol can do with them.

Are you writing a poem my dear? I just find your punctuation and syntax very amusing

[Darren Steez]

This is indeed the hardest thing. While I know cheating is always wrong, I do believe she is deeply remorseful. Why else would she call me from her workplace?

 

I had no chances of ever finding out without her confession. I'm hesitating at the moment. Part of me wants to send her to hell but another part, the softer one wants to give her a second chance.

 

Your logic is a bit fuzzy. Yes she did confess, but she still did it, and it's only been 11 months? What can be her justification? She allowed it to happen and didn't stop it.

 

For me it's a deal breaker, the question is what is to stop her from doing it again if you forgive her so easily? Considering the lack of respect she showed to you in doing this in the first place?

[Chi townD]

To be honest, you warned her about that guy. At that point, deep inside, she became intrigued. You're statement sparked an interest in her and painted a picture of him in her mind as him being a "bad boy". Something that she wanted to get a closer look at. To see if what you were saying was true.

[BeholdtheMan]

My dear? I dont know you so dont call me dear dude.

 

I think its to much knowledge for your small brain!

Just skip it leave it for the smart ones.

Careful kitten got claws!

[The Way I Am]

To be honest, you warned her about that guy. At that point, deep inside, she became intrigued. You're statement sparked an interest in her and painted a picture of him in her mind as him being a "bad boy". Something that she wanted to get a closer look at. To see if what you were saying was true.

 

Maybe. But it's also possible that the gf had interest in that guy before being warned, which OP picked up on and that's the reason why he warned her off of him. The warning could have been a result of her attraction to him not the cause.

 

Anyway, OP, this relationship is not worth investing more of your time.

[Space Ritual]

I've decided to take a break for the meantime. I want to think about it and she has already started searching for counselors.

 

It was a drunken ONS she had with Tyron. They only had sex once and a condom was used. But she told me that while it was happening, she felt sick and realized what she was doing, pushed him off and ran off crying.

 

 

LOL and you are just going to take her word for it that a condom was used?

 

Dude, the way I see it you dodged a bullet. 'Remorse" does not show up in a couple of days. More than likely the reason she called you and told you was that she was about to be exposed by someone else and she just wanted to beat them to the punch so she could control the narrative and minimize it.

What you are experiencing is someone who has a bit of regret, not remorse.

Alcohol will lower inhibitions but it is not an excuse for cheating...ever. She did it because she wanted to have sex with this guy and could. Hence she did ...plain and simple.

 

It was a good thing you told her to take a hike for the time being. People have much better chances of reconciling when someone is shown some real world consequences for their actions.

 

I submit to you that you should take some time for yourself now and concentrate on some activity you really enjoy. This is up to her now to make things right, if you want it to. But again everyone will say they used a condom...I would demand her get an STD test that you can actually see the written results and not take her word for anything. I would be safe and get one for yourself. Again one thing that all cheaters have in common is that they are liars. I wouldn't take her word for anything. It is only though her CONSISTENT actions that you will be able to tell if she really is remorseful or not.

 

But please do yourself a favor and do not hold your breath. It takes a lot of work on the part of a cheater to be able to be considered an ex-cheater. Most people of both genders do not have the constitution to do the work. So if you start getting the "Why can't you just get over it" in the next week or two you would be best advised to not let her back into your life. Otherwise you will be back here bemoaning the fact you should have listened in the first place. And no more contact whatsoever on her part with the other guy.

 

Again, sorry this happened to you, but when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Edited September 15, 2013 by Space Ritual
Spelling! what else! lol

[IAmRobot]

Both of were drunk and she gave it up to Tyron the loser.

 

This is what upsets me the most. I warned her about him and she still cheated with him.

 

Stop being a dumbass and putting blame on the alcohol. That's what dumb people do. She wanted to **** him and that's why she ****ed him. Also there's no "she just ****ed him". There was a million other boundaries broken before (guess what - they were fooling around before ****ing / they were making out / flirting / getting horny together / went to a place TO **** together...) all deal breakers IMO.

 

Guess what if you get drunk and kill someone - You still go to jail. The law doesnt accept being drunk as a reason for unjustifiable action. Neither should you.

[ThorntonMelon]

Not much to add to what everyone else has to say, but I would at least make this statement:

 

You're going to struggle with your feelings about the decision either way. If you dump her, you're going to keep thinking that it was one mistake and she'd never hurt you again and why ruin a great thing over one mistake?

 

If you stay you will find yourself a changed person - you won't want her to go out without you, you'll want to snoop through her life, you'll be suspicious of things that aren't actually wrong, and generally you will add significant life drama and anxiety. And that is if she doesn't cheat again.

 

The safe move is to run, at least that way you don't have to deal with the insanity-enducing aspects of your life.

 

But you'll be tempted to take her back, be her "savior", her "forgiver" and think it will leave her forever loving you for loving her in spite of her sins.

 

I wish you well, there isn't a perfect answer. But remember that until she cheated you had no decisions to make besides loving her and treating her well. She has now added this to your life.

[Dusk1983]

If you dump her, you're going to keep thinking that it was one mistake and she'd never hurt you again and why ruin a great thing over one mistake?

 

 

 

It's not a "great thing". It's a dirty and foul thing. He's been dating a slut.

[drifter777]

I've decided to take a break for the meantime. I want to think about it and she has already started searching for counselors.

 

It was a drunken ONS she had with Tyron. They only had sex once and a condom was used. But she told me that while it was happening, she felt sick and realized what she was doing, pushed him off and ran off crying.

Cheaters lie, lie, lie, and then lie some more. You don't know the whole story and you never will. This is always the case so why should yours be any different? It's also typical for the betrayed man to start defending or mitigating the circumstances of his cheating wife/SO. It's part of being in denial and helps you as you try to put the horrible images and facts behind you. She screwed this guy because it was fun and it felt good. The rest is bulls*t.

[atreides]

Whether she lies or not about what really happened, the details are irrelevant on what went on. She cheated, don't get caught up on her trying to diminish it by the details she gives.

 

She is a girlfriend, move on, keep our options open, so many great women out there that you do not need this drama.

 

She has good character to admit her wrong and be appreciative of it but that does not equate to you taking her back.

[road]

Dating is the job interview for marriage. She failed. Next interview.

 

Being married, length of marriage, kids, joint ownership, financials, are things that can make recovering a marriage after an affair a valid choice.

 

I have seen to many men get cheated on before marriage, forgive and marry her only to come back here years later to be cheated on again by her.

[drifter777]

Whether she lies or not about what really happened, the details are irrelevant on what went on. She cheated, don't get caught up on her trying to diminish it by the details she gives.

 

She is a girlfriend, move on, keep our options open, so many great women out there that you do not need this drama.

 

She has good character to admit her wrong and be appreciative of it but that does not equate to you taking her back.

I agree with most of this post but not the part about the details being irrelevant. It shouldn't matter as cheating is cheating, but the details are important for some betrayed spouses/SO's for various reasons. When trying to reconcile the willingness of the WS to reveal even the most disgusting details can be proof that they are finally being completely open and honest. And as far as these details causing even more damage to the BS, their imagination has already drawn images of the two of them engaged in erotic sexual activity so the truth really can't be any worse. Then there are people who don't need/want the fine details. That's why this is all up to the BS, and the WS should answer whatever questions are asked of them after admonishing them with "are you sure? These details could make things worse for you". If they still want to know, the WS must tell them.

[Imajerk17]

I've been living with my gf for 11 months to be exact and I really thought it was the perfect relationship. We had similar goals such as traveling on vacation, are family oriented and hard workers, adore books and were very interested in moving the relationship forward one day. I never liked staying in endless relationships nor getting drunk on clubs as I see no point to that.

 

Those don't sound like compelling reasons to stay with someone. It sounds to me frankly that she has a wild side that you do not.

 

Meanwhile I read the rest of the thread. I'm not buying the details she told you. I don't think that she pushed the guy off. Nor do I agree that they used a condom (and even if they did it won't guarantee that there won't be a pregnancy).

 

It's time to end this.

[Lovely_Lu]

Life is not black and white. She made a horrible horrible mistake. If YOU believe she is sorry and YOU believe she will never do it again, then I don't think it is wrong for you to forgive her. To forgive is much harder than walking away. If you love her and miss her and still think you can one day trust her again, then I don't believe you should leave her because people tell you it is what you are supposed to do.

 

If you are a religious person, or even if you are not, I would recommend you talk to someone who believes forgiveness is a beautiful thing for those who deserve it.

[soccerrprp]

I've been living with my gf for 11 months to be exact and I really thought it was the perfect relationship. We had similar goals such as traveling on vacation, are family oriented and hard workers, adore books and were very interested in moving the relationship forward one day. I never liked staying in endless relationships nor getting drunk on clubs as I see no point to that.

 

Then Wednesday was the saddest day ever for me. My cell phone was ringing and it was her calling from her workplace. She hardly ever calls from work unless it's an emergency so immediately I thought it really has to be something serious or bad. It was. I answered and she went on crying that it was very fast but had to confessed. I asked What you talking about, confess what?. She replied I slept with someone else yesterday night when going out with friends. I just told her to get back to work and we'll talk about it when it's over.

 

It's been very hard really. She cheated with some guy I've seen before a couple of time and we were acquaintances. As of now she has been asking for another chance and answered all my questions. I can't think of anything else to ask her but I'm beyond hurt. Is it really me being too serious that might have played a role in her cheating?

 

The cheating was her responsibility, not yours. You didn't force her to it. I'm sorry, but didn't read all of the thread, but was she drunk when she did it? If no, major YIKES and she was fully aware and willing to engage in the discretion. If so, then there's some mitigating circumstance, though no less painful or at all understandable.

 

I will not tolerate infidelity. Once it's done it is done. No second chances. But that's me.

 

Good luck.

[crederer]

Well your first mistake is believing anything she says at this point. I've been cheated on by two different gf's and I never ever got the accurate story. They always try to diffuse the situation as best as possible by omitting information or down playing certain facts.

 

Only after breaking it off did I learn the full story and there was way more to it than they girls led me to believe.

 

The one actually still tells her friends she cheated out of retaliation for me cheating on her, which never even happened.

Edited September 21, 2013 by crederer

[Lovely_Lu]

I am curious to know how your story is going if you have the strength to answer.

 

I find this story really sad but hopeful