Struggling with Relationship

[agawaj]

I don’t really know where to begin. I am in my mid-thirties (female) and really haven’t been in a lot of relationships. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year. We moved in together a few months ago. He works in a job with long hours and comes home around the time I go to bed. Our relationship sucks lately. We get one day off together and he’s usually too tired to do anything. We rarely have sex anymore (like once in two months) and if we do I have to initiate it. I have talked to him about it and he never says anything. He says he’s attracted to me etc, but he says “he’s tired” or it takes “two to tango”. He’s the guy, he should want it, and he should initiate it more. IF we do have sex he wants me to wear nasty lingerie that makes me feel insecure, or he talks about having threesomes etc, which I have told him makes me feel bad.

 

He never shows any affection to me. He never gives me a peck on the cheek, or a random hug. He never wants to cuddle. The only time he touches me is when he’s drunk and sometimes will come to bed and pull me close to him. Last night he came home and didn’t even speak to me. I didn’t do anything that could piss him off, other than, doing the laundry and making him dinner. He didn’t come say hello or kiss me or anything. I feel like I am living with a roommate that I have to clean up after.

 

I know that relationships aren’t always romantic and perfect but it just seems like ours is dying a slow and painful death. I have wondered at times why I love him because I don’t feel there’s much reason sometimes. We are only a year into our relationship and I already feel like this?

 

The other thing is he sometimes drinks excessively and when he does he becomes a jerk. He is emotionally abusive when he drinks and I have told him how much it bothers me. He says nasty things to me and when I confront him the next day he says he doesn’t remember saying whatever it was and that he doesn’t feel that way about me. But why would he say that? Doesn’t alcohol lower your inhibitions allowing you to say what you really feel? Since he doesn’t show me any affection, never says I look good, barely says nice stuff to me or thanks me for the things I do around the house, maybe this is how he really feels? Maybe he’s just in this relationship because I cook and clean for him, and I am someone to talk to when he wants to b*tch about his job. Maybe because he wants kids and so do I, and since we’re in our mid 30’s we don’t have as many options as we once did?

 

I do not think he’s cheating on me. He doesn’t have time to cheat with his job, I have checked his phone (I have been cheated on and have a parent who cheated so I am a little overly paranoid to begin with) and there’s nothing to indicate he’s cheating on me.

 

He hates his job and is overly tired and stressed. Maybe it’s just that. But I don’t know. I just feel sometimes like he could care less if I was there. I wonder often why he’s in the relationship with me. He never pours his heart out to me. I have to say “I love you” for him to say it. I was in complete and other shock a few weeks ago when I went away for the weekend and he actually text me and said he missed me. It was one of the first signs of affection I had in ages.

I guess I just felt the need to write. I am at work and can’t concentrate because I don’t know why he just ignored me last night (yes I know I should speak to him about it).

 

Thanks for listening to me.

[Philosoraptor]

With this long list of great qualities, it's no wonder you're still in a relationship with him...

 

Why do you stick around when you are so unhappy? If you do have kids with him this abuse will just be put onto your children next.

[TigerCub]

HI OP

 

I'm sorry you're so sad in your relationship.

I would be too.

 

You say that maybe he is too stressed at his work and in a way using that to justify how poorly he treats you and how he neglects you - but the thing is, when people have a good relationship, they turn to one another when things outside are bad - they don't neglect their partners and just act like jerks.

 

From my experience, if the guy isn't interested in sex, it is because he has other means to be satisfied. In my case, my guy (ex now) was a porn addict.

Other guys cheat. But the point is, they get it from somewhere.

If your man doesn't want sex with you - something is going on.

 

I understand that people can be tired, or depressed or whatever, and it could affect their sex life, but this guy doesn't seem to want it unless you're wearing outfits that make you feel bad.

 

Also, I think you need to work on your self esteem. Why does wearing a slutty outfit for you SO make you feel bad?

 

Why do you put up with being neglected and still go on to do all the things around the house and mother him?

 

You've tried talking, and he actually verbally abuses you.

Why do you accept that?

 

I am sorry that you're in pain and I'm sorry that you are confused and hurt, but it's been just 1 year - Don't invest more into a relationship with someone that doesn't give a crap about you.

 

The 'I miss you' text is nice, but is it enough?

Is that crumb enough? Maybe he misses your cooking and the clean laundry you provide. Maybe he misses the comfort of the familiar.

 

But you really have to ask yourself, is he enough? Would you sign up for a lifetime of THIS?

 

Stop trying to please him, stop chasing after him, stop doing things for him - I'd move out (and end it) - but if you really don't want to end it, start with moving out.