The Promise Ring: WS feelings for AP and BS?

[LilGirlandOW]

So last night I asked my MM, is there anything about me that he didnt like, hoping he'd reflect the question back to me about himself. He was in the midst of sorting out a work issue, which I didnt realize (thought he was done), and he misunderstood me, thought I asked how he felt about myself and BS. Sure I've wondered this, but to me "it is what it is", the pictures pretty easy to draw of our situation. OW ->MM<- BS(Kids). So in his answer he said "When I look at her I see the mom of my kids, and mehhhh, thats it" he continued to say he feels guilty at times for them falling out of love years back and that the wedge is too wide, and the attraction is long gone so he cant repair that guilt. OTOH, he says "When I look at you I see an angel, every ounce of me wants to hold you, your smell (i dont wear perfume, so odd), your giggle, your optimism resignate in my mind all day and night, how I can pour my heart out and you listen and support me blindly (I HATE when he whines, yuk), I admire your selflessness and work ethic, when I see you I see the woman I am in love with".

 

With this being said, he continued to say that he was worried that I may be worried that he places too much weight and focus on sex (we have ALOT of sex), and thinks we need to step back and focus on the relationship aspect. He said he constantly fears I will meet a younger, single man and drop him and his baggage. I couldnt reply to that, I didnt want him thinking he had any power to stop that. In my mind I'm 100% committed to him, have been faithful to him since day one a year ago, he claims the same.

 

So now limited sex (What?@!), he still wants to continue our daily contact, and spending "quality" time together 3-4days a week. AND to add to this, he told me he's making me a "promise ring" (What is this high school?), out of this really cool gem we got at a mineral show I picked out. He's polishing it in his spare time, says he sits and day dreams about us while he polishes that gem, which he's going to have set on a band/setting for a ring for me.

 

This is all sweet, and I could totally be a sister wife, I plural R's are good in many ways. I'm sure his W would disagree, lol.

[LilGirlandOW]

to add to that, I hope he never finds LS, lol, as that story is so disgustingly specific.

 

I was just hoping for thoughts/reflections/expereince on this issue.

[Owl]

I think this guy is a MASTER at manipulating anything you say or do into precisely and exactly what he wants.

 

And you are the perfect A partner...because you don't challenge him when he does so.

 

You give him the benefit of the doubt, and post your doubts here instead.

 

Works out great for him.

[LilGirlandOW]

Owl,

You are right, I dont burden his with much or anything at all. There have been times where I needed to vent but didnt want to waste our limited time together re-hashing garbage I'm going through,

[bentleychic]

Is there ANY give and take in the relationship other than sex or is it all him leaning on you for support and you keeping your mouth shut? It sounds like you're his shoulder to lean on and he's...well...what IS he for you other than annoying/frustrating?

[bentleychic]

And did you ask him what the "promise ring" symbolizes? The intent is way more important than the ring, IMO and honestly your post kind of sounds like he annoys/irritates you more than anything. If so, is it really worth dealing w/ him/this? It wouldn't be for me.

[jlola]

Is there ANY give and take in the relationship other than sex or is it all him leaning on you for support and you keeping your mouth shut? It sounds like you're his shoulder to lean on and he's...well...what IS he for you other than annoying/frustrating?

 

 

One thing I learned, women with high empathy threshold get the worst men. The women with high esteem get out quickly when they see bad behavior. They do not wait for the excuses. they know better. they understand "when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM"!!!!

[Owl]

Owl,

You are right, I dont burden his with much or anything at all. There have been times where I needed to vent but didnt want to waste our limited time together re-hashing garbage I'm going through,

 

Well then...what else can you expect from him?

[Red Wolverine]

The promise ring is a good symbol for him. Like a teenager, he lives in a fantasy and doesn't have to back anything up.

 

I don't see the allure of this man at all.

[LilGirlandOW]

I know it sounds terrible, thats just how I am, a giver more than a taker, a listener more than a talker. This applies to alot of people in my life, I get told some crazzzyyy stuff, but anybody who confides in me since childhood knows I'd die a thousand deaths before exposing what was told to me in confidence, I also never judge people, instead try to give what constructive criticisms I can... I went through IC in high school when I was "molested" by my BF's older brother, turned out the counsillor was related to offending boy(man's) family and made a public mockery of the abuse and how I obviously wanted it cause older boy was desired by alot of girls in said highschool. Since then, (I was 13) since that screwed me up so much (the IC's secret sharing)... I've never repeated a word spoken to me. So its makes me a fantastic emotional drain for others problems.

 

I often think about that councillor, I even know where she lives... with er stupic perfect family, blah blah blah. But thats another thread I suppose....

[jlola]

Owl,

You are right, I dont burden his with much or anything at all. There have been times where I needed to vent but didnt want to waste our limited time together re-hashing garbage I'm going through,

 

 

BTW, when anything is limited, it holds more value. having something full-time is way different than getting something intermittently. that is why lab rats work so hard for those pellets. when pellets were available all the time when lever was pushed, they had no desire for it. When pellets were available intermittently, then they went crazy pushing lever hoping for a "prize". Focus on pellets was their only thought.

We take for granted was is available 24/7. We focus and give greater,sometimes false importance to what is time limited. We want what we cannot have.

[LilGirlandOW]

back to the ring,

 

Its supposed to symbolize his committment to me, Although, part of me wonders if its like a flea collar warding off fleas (other men).

 

The back story on the ring is very sweet to me, all the time and effort, how could I not bask in that

[Owl]

I know it sounds terrible, thats just how I am, a giver more than a taker, a listener more than a talker. This applies to alot of people in my life, I get told some crazzzyyy stuff, but anybody who confides in me since childhood knows I'd die a thousand deaths before exposing what was told to me in confidence, I also never judge people, instead try to give what constructive criticisms I can... I went through IC in high school when I was "molested" by my BF's older brother, turned out the counsillor was related to offending boy(man's) family and made a public mockery of the abuse and how I obviously wanted it cause older boy was desired by alot of girls in said highschool. Since then, (I was 13) since that screwed me up so much (the IC's secret sharing)... I've never repeated a word spoken to me. So its makes me a fantastic emotional drain for others problems.

 

I often think about that councillor, I even know where she lives... with er stupic perfect family, blah blah blah. But thats another thread I suppose....

 

Well...then either change how you view/do things, or accept them as they are.

 

Not sure what other suggestions I can give you.

[LilGirlandOW]

BTW, when anything is limited, it holds more value. having something full-time is way different than getting something intermittently. that is why lab rats work so hard for those pellets. when pellets were available all the time when lever was pushed, they had no desire for it. When pellets were available intermittently, then they went crazy pushing lever hoping for a "prize". Focus on pellets was their only thought.

We take for granted was is available 24/7. We focus and give greater,sometimes false importance to what is time limited. We want what we cannot have.

 

 

I love that anaolgy, and I think it goes both ways in our A.

[harrybrown]

What kind of future do you expect with this man?

[jlola]

I know it sounds terrible, thats just how I am, a giver more than a taker, a listener more than a talker. This applies to alot of people in my life, I get told some crazzzyyy stuff, but anybody who confides in me since childhood knows I'd die a thousand deaths before exposing what was told to me in confidence, I also never judge people, instead try to give what constructive criticisms I can... I went through IC in high school when I was "molested" by my BF's older brother, turned out the counsillor was related to offending boy(man's) family and made a public mockery of the abuse and how I obviously wanted it cause older boy was desired by alot of girls in said highschool. Since then, (I was 13) since that screwed me up so much (the IC's secret sharing)... I've never repeated a word spoken to me. So its makes me a fantastic emotional drain for others problems.

 

I often think about that councillor, I even know where she lives... with er stupic perfect family, blah blah blah. But thats another thread I suppose....

 

So sorry to hear that. Please stop allowing yourself to be only an emotional pipe for others. It is very toxic and will have an effect on you in the long run. Also know you have the right to have a voice too.

 

I was raised in with a NPD father. My own father made up vile,vile rumors about all of us. Betrayal at the worst. Because some people believe it. Why would a man lie about his own kids right???

 

But I do not keep my mouth shut anymore. I did when I was younger. But now, I defend myself and family members to the lies. I find someone to vent to when I need.

 

It is very important to get things out. I used to be unable to trust people. so I kept things inside. This only brought the worst people into my life. You attract toxic until you get well. People who are warm, caring and loving will allow you to vent. Life is about balance. you are willing to listen, but also you must be willing to trust and vent yourself and feel safe.

[GorillaTheater]

A promise ring? Seriously?

 

I think my teenage daughter has one of those.

[Red Wolverine]

back to the ring,

 

Its supposed to symbolize his committment to me, Although, part of me wonders if its like a flea collar warding off fleas (other men).

 

The back story on the ring is very sweet to me, all the time and effort, how could I not bask in that

 

The only time and effort that would be meaningful at this point would be a trip to a divorce attorney and a moving truck. The rest is lip service.

 

At this point, I believe you've accepted he's never leaving and are attempting to convince yourself you don't want him full-time anyway.

[LilGirlandOW]

It is very confusing because he is a cake eater, but I accept this only because of the circumstances and he definetly goes out of his way to reassure me of our primary relationship status.

 

And come on it is very sweet the effort, time and thought he is putting into this. Any WS can go throw a few hundered bucks at a jeweller and buy a piece of jewellery, whats sweet is he's making it from a rough gem I fell in love with at a trade show... he's buffing it by hand, he keeps it in his car so I see his progress and it melts my heart... maybe stuff like that happens all the time for some people, but I've never had expereinced something like this..... its like the difference between buying a nicely wrapped bunch of flowers at a flower shoppe and spending the day seeking out those flowers in the wild.

 

He has his own credit card seperate to BS, so its not a money issue.

 

Is this not a little sweet? If we wern't in an A R I'm sure this would be seen in a different light to some posters.

[Red Wolverine]

It is very confusing because he is a cake eater, but I accept this only because of the circumstances and he definetly goes out of his way to reassure me of our primary relationship status.

 

And come on it is very sweet the effort, time and thought he is putting into this. Any WS can go throw a few hundered bucks at a jeweller and buy a piece of jewellery, whats sweet is he's making it from a rough gem I fell in love with at a trade show... he's buffing it by hand, he keeps it in his car so I see his progress and it melts my heart... maybe stuff like that happens all the time for some people, but I've never had expereinced something like this..... its like the difference between buying a nicely wrapped bunch of flowers at a flower shoppe and spending the day seeking out those flowers in the wild.

 

He has his own credit card seperate to BS, so its not a money issue.

 

Is this not a little sweet? If we wern't in an A R I'm sure this would be seen in a different light to some posters.

 

Your relationship is not primary, his marriage is.

 

The ring might be sweet in a relationship. In an affair, it's just cheap.

[bentleychic]

Your relationship is not primary, his marriage is.

 

The ring might be sweet in a relationship. In an affair, it's just cheap.

I agree. It's like someone proposing when they're already married to someone else. What is he promising?

 

I admit if he'd just said a ring rather than a promise ring, it probably wouldn't have gotten my hackles up so much. lol

[LilGirlandOW]

Your relationship is not primary, his marriage is.

 

The ring might be sweet in a relationship. In an affair, it's just cheap.

 

Our R is both of our primary romantic R. The ring is sweet no matter what you say. Considering buying the gem, the time spent polishing it, sending it away to get set, etc etc. maybe that happens to you everyday, men lining up to do this for you, I was M 10yrs my xH never even hand made me a card, lol, and that takes 2 seconds, lol.

[bentleychic]

No offense, but any of us single OW can probably say that our R is the primary, but as long as the MM are still MM and living with their wives, WE are not their primary romantic R. Maybe sad and hard to hear, but it's true. If we were their priority, their primary, they would be with us and we wouldn't be dealing with bread crumbs, excuses, etc., etc.

[LilGirlandOW]

I agree. It's like someone proposing when they're already married to someone else. What is he promising?

 

I admit if he'd just said a ring rather than a promise ring, it probably wouldn't have gotten my hackles up so much. lol

 

I suppose he is promising to love and cherish me? Also I mentioned in my OP maybe he's just warding off potential (S)OM? Maybe its so I have a constant reminder of him on my hand? We are the OW, how the heck do we know which way is south in our R.... i dont know about you but this is my first rodeo, so I'm going on feelings, instinct and trusting fate. See how the cards fall. Like yourself Bentley.

[bentleychic]

If my MM came to me today with a promise or engagement ring, I'd ask if he left his wife or she left. If he said no to both, I'd tell him to hold on to it and feel free to present it again once he was free to actually put some meaning behind it.