The Promise Ring: WS feelings for AP and BS?

[jlola]

Yes, his sister in turn introduced me also as MM gf

 

 

Just wow!!! I feel really bad for the wife. Not only is MM betraying her. But his own family is betraying her also. Now I understand where he gets his morals. This is sad. But you will never realize how destructive it is till you are on the other end of betrayal.I always wonder abot people who bring their AP around family or friends. WHY???? at least have a bit of respect for your present spouse and stop making a fool of them in front of others.

 

A man I used to date found out his partner and his sister(who was married to his partner) were embezzling behind his back for years. to the tune of over $700,000 in 5 years.

 

He said the pain was like nothing he ever felt. the betrayal not only by his partner and brother-in-law,but also his sister was hard to bear. it took years to recover emotionally. the money was nothing. The backstabbing was everything.

 

I hope this family never does to you what they are willing to do to the wife.

[jlola]

At this point I can't understand why he just doesn't tell the BS. I mean he actually seems to want her to find out anyway(if she does not know). So what is he waiting for? Does he like the sneaking behind her back? Does he get his kicks through betrayal? This man is not being careful. I too wonder what is up. This is "not normal" behavior.

 

I cannot imagine being in an affair, staying in the marriage because of the kids. then flaunting it in front of family. Family is where I first heard about my father's affairs. If he really cared about his kids, he would not let anyone know. How will his kids take it when they are older, and they find out through cousins or other relatives how disrespectful MM,BS and their own family was against their mother. hard to swallow.

 

I hope wife does know and she leaves ASAP! Noone deserves this much disrespect from MM and his clan.

[KathyM]

What is he trying to accomplish with this promise ring? A promise for what? To marry you, like a pre-engagement ring? Considering he's already married, and has no set plans to divorce, that would seem silly. A promise of fidelity? A cheating MM is legally married and promised his fidelity to the wife, which he is still holding her to that promise of fidelity to him. Promising fidelity to an AP while being married and living with his wife seems ludicrous. He is in a relationship with both women, and therefore, not being monogamous with either one. I don't see the point, or what this ring is supposed to promise. Sounds to me like just a ploy to keep you in the affair, and get your hopes up.

[truthbetold]

At this point I can't understand why he just doesn't tell the BS. I mean he actually seems to want her to find out anyway(if she does not know). So what is he waiting for? Does he like the sneaking behind her back? Does he get his kicks through betrayal? This man is not being careful. I too wonder what is up. This is "not normal" behavior.

 

I cannot imagine being in an affair, staying in the marriage because of the kids. then flaunting it in front of family. Family is where I first heard about my father's affairs. If he really cared about his kids, he would not let anyone know. How will his kids take it when they are older, and they find out through cousins or other relatives how disrespectful MM,BS and their own family was against their mother. hard to swallow.

 

I hope wife does know and she leaves ASAP! Noone deserves this much disrespect from MM and his clan.

 

Yeah, On one hand I can't see how the wife doesn't know, her being a cop and all. But then I cannot see how she would condone her kids seeing Lil and being okay with that.

 

I just hope sooner rather than later this all comes up and the kids have a shot of healing and understanding what real love is not made up fantasy land pseudo love. Right now if this continues those kids are going to be effed up likely for life. If this comes out and they have their normal allegiance to mom they're going to be depressed and not trusting of men. If this comes out and they share Lil's fantasy land interpretation of love, they're going to have tremendous FOO issues and seek out destruction relationships of their own.

 

Lil bottom line, if you continue to think this is cute and don't start to make some hard grown up decisions to make this right, if you have any sort of conscience this is going to eat at you. Because those kids are in your life and you interact with them, you are responsible for helping to shape and mold their worldview. Can you really live with helping to destroy the innocence of those lives for your own selfish gains? It's cruel as it isn't just about you when you chose to interact and involve them.

[yellowmaverick]

Lil - something about your postings just doesn't add up. It is difficult to believe that two adult people could act so immaturely. The behavior that you describe is straight out of a third grade manual. If your story is in fact true, then you have much greater problems than screwing a married man.

[truthbetold]

to add to that, I hope he never finds LS, lol, as that story is so disgustingly specific.

 

I was just hoping for thoughts/reflections/expereince on this issue.

 

Yep!

 

Okay now Lil, indulge me if you will. That was mean of me to "pick" what you said and put my on spin on it right? I did it only to illustrate something.

 

You in turn are picking and choosing what you want to hear and putting your own positive spin on it. It has no basis on reality, just how you want to interpret it.

 

Case in point, like Miss Bee said. Anyone, even I could say to my husband I want to be Queen of Sheba. He excitedly agrees and goes out to hand select stones for a tiara and a special "queen's ring" . I agree and wear this ring and in the confines of our life and even to some friends he calls me the Queen of Sheba. I pretend all day in my head how I'm the queen of this great land and I dress up privately and really get lost in the role. Problem is it's not backed up with real actions. I can't go to public events and wear my tiara and be introduced as the Queen of Sheba and meet people as such, it has to stay hidden. The true "action" is it's hidden therefore meaningless. It's all words and fantasy play.

 

And yes, I have seen two cases on the boards where the OW was presented with not a "promise" ring, but actual engagement rings. Neither case worked out, which is not shocking as the delusion by the giver of the rings needs to be pretty strong to promise what one cannot except in their mind. Both women were devastated as that thought the ring surely meant "something" problem is what it meant was grand delusion in the confines of fantasy land. One even went so far as to write out special vows and took her took their church (when it was empty of course ) and professed these vows to her (in front of NO ONE) and she was still shocked when she found out when the rubber hit the road, it all meant NOTHING.

 

Lil, you will see one day, hopefully sooner than later, that you only get ONE shot at life. It's not a dress rehearsal. You seem to like to play dress up and just have really story book view of what love is. Anything you have written has only solidified my view that what you two share is passionate lust and fantasy. He adores sticking it to his wife in a very passive aggressive manner and you enjoy going along for the ride because you assume it all must mean something, when in reality it's nothing more than words and fake symbolism (promise ring)

 

This is all comes off as make believe but because you can convince yourself in your head that it's real, you think it is. (ex: like you're the primary relationship when in fact you cannot be as others have pointed out) This seems to only fuel you to dig your heels in and say only louder that because YOU believe it's true, it is. Eventually one day you will have to face reality. If your MM would get killed in an accident you would see where you would fall with funeral arrangements and distribution of life insurance and assets. Until he divorces his wife and has you out in the open EVERYWHERE and can shout it from the rooftops you are second to his marriage in society's and most people's eyes, that's just life, real life that is.

[MissBee]

Yep!

 

Okay now Lil, indulge me if you will. That was mean of me to "pick" what you said and put my on spin on it right? I did it only to illustrate something.

 

You in turn are picking and choosing what you want to hear and putting your own positive spin on it. It has no basis on reality, just how you want to interpret it.

 

Case in point, like Miss Bee said. Anyone, even I could say to my husband I want to be Queen of Sheba. He excitedly agrees and goes out to hand select stones for a tiara and a special "queen's ring" . I agree and wear this ring and in the confines of our life and even to some friends he calls me the Queen of Sheba. I pretend all day in my head how I'm the queen of this great land and I dress up privately and really get lost in the role. Problem is it's not backed up with real actions. I can't go to public events and wear my tiara and be introduced as the Queen of Sheba and meet people as such, it has to stay hidden. The true "action" is it's hidden therefore meaningless. It's all words and fantasy play.

 

And yes, I have seen two cases on the boards where the OW was presented with not a "promise" ring, but actual engagement rings. Neither case worked out, which is not shocking as the delusion by the giver of the rings needs to be pretty strong to promise what one cannot except in their mind. Both women were devastated as that thought the ring surely meant "something" problem is what it meant was grand delusion in the confines of fantasy land. One even went so far as to write out special vows and took her took their church (when it was empty of course ) and professed these vows to her (in front of NO ONE) and she was still shocked when she found out when the rubber hit the road, it all meant NOTHING.

 

Lil, you will see one day, hopefully sooner than later, that you only get ONE shot at life. It's not a dress rehearsal. You seem to like to play dress up and just have really story book view of what love is. Anything you have written has only solidified my view that what you two share is passionate lust and fantasy. He adores sticking it to his wife in a very passive aggressive manner and you enjoy going along for the ride because you assume it all must mean something, when in reality it's nothing more than words and fake symbolism (promise ring)

 

This is all comes off as make believe but because you can convince yourself in your head that it's real, you think it is. (ex: like you're the primary relationship when in fact you cannot be as others have pointed out) This seems to only fuel you to dig your heels in and say only louder that because YOU believe it's true, it is. Eventually one day you will have to face reality. If your MM would get killed in an accident you would see where you would fall with funeral arrangements and distribution of life insurance and assets. Until he divorces his wife and has you out in the open EVERYWHERE and can shout it from the rooftops you are second to his marriage in society's and most people's eyes, that's just life, real life that is.

 

 

LMAO @ the vows in front of no one scenario smh

 

Anyway great post, ditto!

 

I don't think any of us will convince Lil though, life will just have to play out.

[Red Wolverine]

Regardless of rings, promises, and soulmate discussions, one thing is very clear in most affairs where the OW wants the MM outside an affair.

 

No matter how many times I read they sit and wait for someday, every one of them knows two things....

 

1. He makes a decision every day by staying with his wife.

 

2. If OW put her foot down and stuck to NC, virtually all would stay with their wives.

 

Maybe this is a big part of why I am not tortured by my affair. I stuck with him through his timeline and walked when it didn't happen.

 

I'm not wasting one minute of my life waiting on a promise.

[cocorico]

What is he trying to accomplish with this promise ring? A promise for what? To marry you, like a pre-engagement ring? Considering he's already married, and has no set plans to divorce, that would seem silly. A promise of fidelity? A cheating MM is legally married and promised his fidelity to the wife, which he is still holding her to that promise of fidelity to him. Promising fidelity to an AP while being married and living with his wife seems ludicrous. He is in a relationship with both women, and therefore, not being monogamous with either one. I don't see the point, or what this ring is supposed to promise. Sounds to me like just a ploy to keep you in the affair, and get your hopes up.

 

I guess my question would be similar (though without the judgmentalism). What does *he* understand himself to be promising? Have you asked him? I think how "silly" or otherwise that promise is will only be clear once you know what he intended by the gesture.

 

Personally, I don't think it is necessarily silly. My H gave me an engagement ring while he was still M, as a promise of his intention to follow through, and he did, right on time. I don't know what the circumstances are here, whether concrete promises have been made, or timelines agreed, or whether things are still at a stage of vague hopes. If the latter, I'd question what the promise entails and whether he's in a position to deliver on that, but if the former, I'd be slower with my doubt.

[LilGirlandOW]

Like I said before I think its very sweet, still my first instinct/thought was dog peeing on a tree. Maybe I should ask for a necklace of it, lol.

 

Coco, Come to think of it my xH was technically M when we got engaged, seperated for about 6mnths when we first met. Took him 2 years to finalize his D, we were engaged for a year of that almost. We got M, were M for 10yrs.

[MissBee]

Maybe you should follow your first and better instinct.

[xxoo]

Like I said before I think its very sweet, still my first instinct/thought was dog peeing on a tree. Maybe I should ask for a necklace of it, lol.

 

Why not?

 

Tell him you won't wear a ring on your ring finger until you are engaged. He can make a ring for another finger, or make another piece of jewelry.

[peaksandvalleys]

Just wow!!! I feel really bad for the wife. Not only is MM betraying her. But his own family is betraying her also. Now I understand where he gets his morals. This is sad. But you will never realize how destructive it is till you are on the other end of betrayal.I always wonder abot people who bring their AP around family or friends. WHY???? at least have a bit of respect for your present spouse and stop making a fool of them in front of others.

 

A man I used to date found out his partner and his sister(who was married to his partner) were embezzling behind his back for years. to the tune of over $700,000 in 5 years.

 

He said the pain was like nothing he ever felt. the betrayal not only by his partner and brother-in-law,but also his sister was hard to bear. it took years to recover emotionally. the money was nothing. The backstabbing was everything.

 

I hope this family never does to you what they are willing to do to the wife.

I have read a little of this. This post struck me the same way. If his family is okay with helping him betray his wife, would they be willing to help him betray you too? It just all seems so sad and a waste of time that people can't recover.

[truthbetold]

Like I said before I think its very sweet, still my first instinct/thought was dog peeing on a tree. Maybe I should ask for a necklace of it, lol.

 

Coco, Come to think of it my xH was technically M when we got engaged, seperated for about 6mnths when we first met. Took him 2 years to finalize his D, we were engaged for a year of that almost. We got M, were M for 10yrs.

 

Wait, what? "technically" you mean actually WAS married? Explains a lot Lil, likely more than you think.

 

Interesting how you think a few lol's, and :love: project your true feelings. My view is that you use all the lol's and :love: to hide the sadness that you must feel to accept this situation.

 

If you really thought it was so sweet you wouldn't have framed your first post to practically make fun of him and his gesture. You would be more sure. In fact if what you had was really so great you wouldn't have said

 

So last night I asked my MM, is there anything about me that he didnt like, hoping he'd reflect the question back to me QUOTE]

 

You would be able to have a flat out honest conversation with him and not be afraid to ask him questions that you must be too afraid to hear the real answers. Communication is a must and key foundation in any relationship. And the fact that you can't talk freely with him tells more about the superficial nature of what you and he have.

[sweet_pea]

I don't think it's a 'marking his territory' thing, hardly. When has a ring stopped someone from pursuing a relationship with another who is already in a relationship? ...Exactly. Sure, a man might see that you're 'taken' by wearing some ring, but it won't stop said man from pursuing you, just like MM's wedding ring didn't stop you from getting involved either.

 

I think him giving you the ring is just his way of keeping you in your place as his other woman. He knows that you will accept this "promise ring" with open arms, you'll drink up the entire show he puts on with the ring & what he says it means, and he'll get to sit back because he knows you aren't going to rock his boat now.

 

Lil, you are really the perfect OW.

Edited September 14, 2013 by sweet_pea

[2sunny]

He's got to do stuff like this to keep you hanging around.

 

It doesn't take much effort - stop fooling ourself. He's a cheater and a liar... The way you find that a positive trait(s) is very concerning.

 

You've got more work to o with that counselor.

 

You don't even share your true feelings with him - it might be "bothering him".

[WakingUp]

Why not?

 

Tell him you won't wear a ring on your ring finger until you are engaged. He can make a ring for another finger, or make another piece of jewelry.

 

Totally agree with this. Or tell him you will only wear it when you are with him. Otherwise it does seem to be like some sort of "ownership" signal and really he has no right to that whatsoever.

 

PS I like you Lil, you are very optimistic (I mean that in a nice way) and pretty much at peace with the world. Don't lose that!

[truthbetold]

Totally agree with this. Or tell him you will only wear it when you are with him. Otherwise it does seem to be like some sort of "ownership" signal and really he has no right to that whatsoever.

 

PS I like you Lil, you are very optimistic (I mean that in a nice way) and pretty much at peace with the world. Don't lose that!

 

You do understand to be "at peace with the world" is to bring no harm to it? As in to not harm "pieces of the word" be it by being "green" or by "do no harm to others"? That ship sailed here, so far that you can't even see it on the horizon. You can tell yourself whatever you need to to sleep at night, still doesn't make it true. Strive for better ladies. Strive for being authentic thereby being true and at peace with the world by bringing no more harm to it. Now that will bring true peace to your lives, not by telling yourself fairly tales, but hey live and learn just know life doesn't have to be "that" hard. You only complicate it with rationalizations.

[WakingUp]

You do understand to be "at peace with the world" is to bring no harm to it? As in to not harm "pieces of the word" be it by being "green" or by "do no harm to others"? That ship sailed here, so far that you can't even see it on the horizon. You can tell yourself whatever you need to to sleep at night, still doesn't make it true. Strive for better ladies. Strive for being authentic thereby being true and at peace with the world by bringing no more harm to it. Now that will bring true peace to your lives, not by telling yourself fairly tales, but hey live and learn just know life doesn't have to be "that" hard. You only complicate it with rationalizations.

 

Well, fair enough.

 

Kindness is a good thing.

[legalgirl]

He wants it to look like you are "taken" to other men. Its just a control thing as far as I can tell. Nothing too sweet about that.

[MissBee]

I'm curious about the exchange he and his friend had about this ring business...as I have an inkling that much of what he does with you is based on that ego-bruising conversation he had with that friend of his whom he tells all about your sex life and everything else, who said he doesn't understand how he bagged you and bet he couldn't keep you. I can see him, like the 17 yr old boy he embodies, doing all he can to win this bet with his friend. I guess it's somewhat sweet though.....

[cif]

How would a promise ring to you differ from a wedding band he gave his wife? They obviously mean nothing and only serve him a purpose.

 

And i do not agree that any cheater or AP can be good people... she is a thief.

[cif]

And i know this is ot but since you mentioned it in this thread i will address it... him wanting less sex is a very very bad sign for you. It could mean one of a few things... he's getting bored or not as interested...trying to detach... or working on things with his wife i.e. more intimacy.

[Quiet Storm]

Lil. You have confided in us that you were sexually abused.

 

A common trait of sexual abuse victims is that they are stuck at the age they were when they experienced the abuse. Others view them as very immature, because they act much younger than their chronological age. Please ask your counselor about DBT therapy. I think it would be beneficial to you.

[jlola]

I had heard the same thing.The irony to that is her MM calls her his "little girl" and she eats it right up.It goes right over her head. I do think the fact she feels like a little girl to a much older man who she thinks provides her with love and attention is quite telling.

 

People like her MM can sniff out,vulnerable women like Lil. Like a moth to a flame.