The Promise Ring: WS feelings for AP and BS?

[LilGirlandOW]

No offense, but any of us single OW can probably say that our R is the primary, but as long as the MM are still MM and living with their wives, WE are not their primary romantic R. Maybe sad and hard to hear, but it's true. If we were their priority, their primary, they would be with us and we wouldn't be dealing with bread crumbs, excuses, etc., etc.

 

I dont know maybe your MM is romancing up the BS, I know for a fact mine's not, she's a part of the primary family unit as it stands, which is seperate from his romantic relationship with me. There's no romance between MM and BS in my case. Its business as usual. I kinda have inside sources though, lol.

[bentleychic]

He's not romancing her, but he's living with her, he's eating with her, he's putting money in THEIR joint bank accounts, he's HER husband, etc., etc. I'm not his primary partner relationship and until/unless they are no longer together, I won't be.

[LilGirlandOW]

If my MM came to me today with a promise or engagement ring, I'd ask if he left his wife or she left. If he said no to both, I'd tell him to hold on to it and feel free to present it again once he was free to actually put some meaning behind it.

 

We are not getting engaged to get married, its apparently a promise of his comittment, love if anything. He gives me little love tokens all the time its very sweet, just this time he's making it (and hes not the craftiest guy, lol) and it happens to be a ring for my "committment finger", sooooo

[bentleychic]

I guess I'm weird on that for an OW. I just don't feel like any of them can really offer any kind of real commitment when they're already married to someone else.

[LilGirlandOW]

He's not romancing her, but he's living with her, he's eating with her, he's putting money in THEIR joint bank accounts, he's HER husband, etc., etc. I'm not his primary partner relationship and until/unless they are no longer together, I won't be.

 

I can seperate the two, My MM doesnt have grown children his are very young and there are a few other factors that make it tough, hes very honest about that, they dont even share a bedroom. I dont need the whole 9yards to be his #1 romantic relationship. I'm his girlfriend, he considers himself my boyfriend, he and I are a couple to his family. Its different from your situation, as yours is to others, etc etc. He wont be with BS forever, he's hoping I stick around until he leaves to step it up to the next level, say co-habitation, etc. I dont need to share his bank and home to be his primary romantic relationship. We share ALOT of things with eachother that BS has no part of (not just the sex, lol)

[bentleychic]

Okay. Well, you being happy in your head and heart with your relationship is what matters. You're right, some relationships may have a similarity here or there, but none are the same for sure.

[jlola]

I'm his girlfriend, he considers himself my boyfriend, he and I are a couple to his family. lol)

 

 

He has introduced you to his family as his girlfriend?

[Goodbye]

Ugh, my exMM would say and do stuff like that. That sacarin sweet bullsh*t and a ring to nowhere.

 

I wonder if he is backing off the sex with you because his W has started wanting some? Maybe he hasn't had the stamina for both? Or maybe he is starting to build a distance between the two of you since sex is what seems to bind you. As others here have said, he is trying to "manage" you.

[Goodbye]

It is very confusing because he is a cake eater, but I accept this only because of the circumstances and he definetly goes out of his way to reassure me of our primary relationship status.

 

And come on it is very sweet the effort, time and thought he is putting into this. Any WS can go throw a few hundered bucks at a jeweller and buy a piece of jewellery, whats sweet is he's making it from a rough gem I fell in love with at a trade show... he's buffing it by hand, he keeps it in his car so I see his progress and it melts my heart... maybe stuff like that happens all the time for some people, but I've never had expereinced something like this..... its like the difference between buying a nicely wrapped bunch of flowers at a flower shoppe and spending the day seeking out those flowers in the wild.

 

He has his own credit card seperate to BS, so its not a money issue.

 

Is this not a little sweet? If we wern't in an A R I'm sure this would be seen in a different light to some posters.

 

 

He keeps it in his car because he can't keep it in his house.

[Journee]

I always marvel at the women and men that are certain the BS and MP have zero sex or affection between them. I have never had the opportunity of observing a couple within their home and bedroom at all times. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. Even with " insiders".

 

The ring that is yet to be ,means about as much as a wedding ring would in this situation. It's all show.

 

You deserve more than being the side chick. Just as the BS deserves to have a chance at a real relationship. I can't imagine this is where you all want to be in life. How many years could it possibly take to be real?

[Got it]

So last night I asked my MM, is there anything about me that he didnt like, hoping he'd reflect the question back to me about himself. He was in the midst of sorting out a work issue, which I didnt realize (thought he was done), and he misunderstood me, thought I asked how he felt about myself and BS. Sure I've wondered this, but to me "it is what it is", the pictures pretty easy to draw of our situation. OW ->MM<- BS(Kids). So in his answer he said "When I look at her I see the mom of my kids, and mehhhh, thats it" he continued to say he feels guilty at times for them falling out of love years back and that the wedge is too wide, and the attraction is long gone so he cant repair that guilt. OTOH, he says "When I look at you I see an angel, every ounce of me wants to hold you, your smell (i dont wear perfume, so odd), your giggle, your optimism resignate in my mind all day and night, how I can pour my heart out and you listen and support me blindly (I HATE when he whines, yuk), I admire your selflessness and work ethic, when I see you I see the woman I am in love with".

 

With this being said, he continued to say that he was worried that I may be worried that he places too much weight and focus on sex (we have ALOT of sex), and thinks we need to step back and focus on the relationship aspect. He said he constantly fears I will meet a younger, single man and drop him and his baggage. I couldnt reply to that, I didnt want him thinking he had any power to stop that. In my mind I'm 100% committed to him, have been faithful to him since day one a year ago, he claims the same.

 

So now limited sex (What?@!), he still wants to continue our daily contact, and spending "quality" time together 3-4days a week. AND to add to this, he told me he's making me a "promise ring" (What is this high school?), out of this really cool gem we got at a mineral show I picked out. He's polishing it in his spare time, says he sits and day dreams about us while he polishes that gem, which he's going to have set on a band/setting for a ring for me.

 

This is all sweet, and I could totally be a sister wife, I plural R's are good in many ways. I'm sure his W would disagree, lol.

 

I think your condescension comes through in this post and items you really need to address with him. I feel like this is the bratty high school girl that is all in with someone and then mocking them behind their back. Are you doing that because people have voiced strong opinions about your MM?

 

In regards to promise rings, no I don't think I would have wanted one in any relationship. Either get me an engagement ring or just buy me jewelry, but don't promise me anything you can't make feasible in the near future.

 

My MM would talk about future planning and I would shut it down hard and fast. Move forward with divorcing or nix the future dreams; they are mean to me and I don't want to hear them.

[xxoo]

Is this not a little sweet? If we wern't in an A R I'm sure this would be seen in a different light to some posters.

 

Sure, it's sweet. But the A matters, a lot.

 

If it were backed up by real commitment, and real promises, it would be more gush-worthy. As it is, it's a sweet but hollow gesture.

[Red Wolverine]

Our R is both of our primary romantic R. The ring is sweet no matter what you say. Considering buying the gem, the time spent polishing it, sending it away to get set, etc etc. maybe that happens to you everyday, men lining up to do this for you, I was M 10yrs my xH never even hand made me a card, lol, and that takes 2 seconds, lol.

 

I understand how you feel but the reality is another story. His marriage is his primary relationship.

 

Every time he goes home and perpetuates the facade of a family man demonstrates that. I'm not trying to demean you... He's doing that to you and his wife.

 

Your husband may have been an ass but you shouldn't compare him to your MM. Ultimately neither is really meeting your needs.

[whichwayisup]

back to the ring,

 

Its supposed to symbolize his committment to me, Although, part of me wonders if its like a flea collar warding off fleas (other men).

 

The back story on the ring is very sweet to me, all the time and effort, how could I not bask in that

 

A promise ring..How could he promise you anything when he said vows and gave his wife a ring and he can't stay faith to her and live up to HIS promises/vows he said in front of family and friends? Sorry but I think this ring is to keep you happy and not push him into leaving/divorcing his wife and it'll keep you quiet as he can just say "I gave you a promise ring, isn't that enough?"

 

His actions still show you he's at home, married and 'living life' with his wife. He is in it for the affair and it seems you want more, a life with him and sadly for you, you're the one who is going to continue to be hurt and wait.

[jlola]

I think your condescension comes through in this post and items you really need to address with him. I feel like this is the bratty high school girl that is all in with someone and then mocking them behind their back. Are you doing that because people have voiced strong opinions about your MM?

 

 

 

I think Li'G sees the crack in MM's character and his habits. but she is still wearing rose colored glasses and somehow thinks this is cute.

 

MM seems to b the one ho is in it with someone and mocking them behind their back in term of calling wife "unattractive to him".

 

I think the "promise ring is a way of keeping men away from her and her away from OM.

 

As to doing sweet things and gifts, so what? Character counts the most.

 

I once took a trip back to my home country for 2 weeks. In the meantime, the man I was dating redid my whole kitchen. My neighbors were gushing how they could hear him working till wee hours of the early morning(he would do this after work) so when I got home I had a brand new kitchen, appliances,tile floors and new granite counter top. I was very ,very happy and appreciative. I knew the amount of blood,sweat and lack of sleep as well as money that went into this.

 

What was also amazing was this guy was completely metrosexual. But he had learned all this carpentry while working with his father as a young boy. So it was completely unexpected!

 

But just because this guy made nice gestures and gave me thoughtful gifts did not mean he was the one for me. In the end he ended up being emotionally immature,controlling and emotionally unavailable. His character was what mattered in the long run.

[MissBee]

So last night I asked my MM, is there anything about me that he didnt like, hoping he'd reflect the question back to me about himself. He was in the midst of sorting out a work issue, which I didnt realize (thought he was done), and he misunderstood me, thought I asked how he felt about myself and BS. Sure I've wondered this, but to me "it is what it is", the pictures pretty easy to draw of our situation. OW ->MM<- BS(Kids). So in his answer he said "When I look at her I see the mom of my kids, and mehhhh, thats it" he continued to say he feels guilty at times for them falling out of love years back and that the wedge is too wide, and the attraction is long gone so he cant repair that guilt. OTOH, he says "When I look at you I see an angel, every ounce of me wants to hold you, your smell (i dont wear perfume, so odd), your giggle, your optimism resignate in my mind all day and night, how I can pour my heart out and you listen and support me blindly (I HATE when he whines, yuk), I admire your selflessness and work ethic, when I see you I see the woman I am in love with".

 

With this being said, he continued to say that he was worried that I may be worried that he places too much weight and focus on sex (we have ALOT of sex), and thinks we need to step back and focus on the relationship aspect. He said he constantly fears I will meet a younger, single man and drop him and his baggage. I couldnt reply to that, I didnt want him thinking he had any power to stop that. In my mind I'm 100% committed to him, have been faithful to him since day one a year ago, he claims the same.

 

So now limited sex (What?@!), he still wants to continue our daily contact, and spending "quality" time together 3-4days a week. AND to add to this, he told me he's making me a "promise ring" (What is this high school?), out of this really cool gem we got at a mineral show I picked out. He's polishing it in his spare time, says he sits and day dreams about us while he polishes that gem, which he's going to have set on a band/setting for a ring for me.

 

This is all sweet, and I could totally be a sister wife, I plural R's are good in many ways. I'm sure his W would disagree, lol.

 

The irony in all this is that just as how he fell out of love with his wife is the same way he may very well fall out of love/lust with you.

 

There is no special magic which will render what he feels for you impervious to the same fate.

 

Well the only difference is, he doesn't seem to be getting a divorce, so since you may never be together in an open R, then perhaps this type of romance will last longer than if you become his open gf/wife.

 

Lil....he's in a secret affair with you, how can he be committed to you?

 

Anyway...this man is just blowing smoke up your butt IMO and he knows you like all his pie in the sky nonsense.

[MissBee]

I guess I'm weird on that for an OW. I just don't feel like any of them can really offer any kind of real commitment when they're already married to someone else.

 

That's not weird...it's being sensible and realistic. Loving someone doesn't have to automatically make you illogical lol.

 

As an OW, I loved my AP very much, but that love didn't make me naive or insane.

 

Unless he was going to be with me in the open then I wasn't primary. Quick test for if you're primary: if you are in a relationship and know about your man's wife and you are hidden from her, you are not primary! Maybe in your mind and insular fantasy between you two you are, but in actual life, no. You can be the Queen of Burundi in the confines of your secret affair for all anyone knows as it's secret and you two can make up anything you want in secret as no one is there to challenge it or see it. The hidden person is almost never the primary person...this is a simple fact.

[rumbleseat]

Geeze, welcome back to high school. What's next? Will he sign his name is your yearbook?

 

Him giving you a "promise ring' is a pretty good indication of two things:

 

- he views you and your relationship on a very immature level

 

- he figures you'll be naive enough to accept it

 

So far, he seems to be correct in his assumptions.

[threelaurels]

With this being said, he continued to say that he was worried that I may be worried that he places too much weight and focus on sex (we have ALOT of sex), and thinks we need to step back and focus on the relationship aspect.

 

Why does he want to hold back on the sex now? What changed? Things like this don't usually come out of left field. Is his wife suspicious? Does he have an old friend coming into town (OOW)? Is it something within him that's changed? I think you need to reflect on why he has chosen to make this stipulation now of all times.

 

In my mind I'm 100% committed to him, have been faithful to him since day one a year ago, he claims the same.

 

And you are playing a dangerous game by doing so. All of your eggs are in one basket, while he has them divided between two. If you or the BS choose to leave, he always has the other. If he leaves you, there go all your eggs. Without a support system in place, the aftermath of the affair will be far more devastating for you if he chooses to stay with his wife in the end.

 

Are you single by choice or does he ask it of you?

 

This is all sweet, and I could totally be a sister wife, I plural R's are good in many ways. I'm sure his W would disagree, lol.

 

Then why hasn't he approached this as an option? If his wife is only his roommate and nothing more, why not ask her to open up the marriage? If she has no romantic feelings towards him anymore, wouldn't she be open to the possibility of pursuing a romantic relationship with someone else? How is it fair for him to deny her the right to be loved romantically? Does he not want to see her move on and find someone else who can make her happy?

 

We share ALOT of things with eachother that BS has no part of (not just the sex, lol)

 

Just like they share a lot of things that you have no part of. Their history together being one of them.

 

Is this not a little sweet? If we wern't in an A R I'm sure this would be seen in a different light to some posters.

 

In an ordinary (non-affair) relationship, it would be sweet. However, his promise of commitment to you doesn't mean much while he remains with his wife. He has also made a promise of commitment to her and look at how well he kept that promise. For a man who has shown such little respect for the commitment his wedding ring represents, it's ironic that he would give you a ring to symbolize his commitment to you.

 

Keep in mind that, unlike with wedding bands, you'll be the only one wearing the commitment ring. Even if you were to give him one, he probably won't wear it around his wife or even bring it into house. He'll keep it locked in the console of his car because, in the house he shares with his wife, the commitment he claims to have to you has no place.

[LilGirlandOW]

 

His family does not know you two as a couple. I got the impression hes imtroduced you a few non immediate members (maybe a cousin, aunt, etc). You are extropulating that in you mind.

 

Aside from extended family I've spent alot of time with his siblings and father

[LilGirlandOW]

I think the "promise ring is a way of keeping men away from her and her away from OM.

 

 

Thats the first thing that popped into my head, but I have my LS radar going constantly. Maybe my first instinct was right, or maybe i'm just paranoid?

[LilGirlandOW]

 

Are you single by choice or does he ask it of you?

 

 

 

In our transitioning to a R talk we had, monogamy was very important. His suggestion, I cant do the multiple sex partner thing anyways so it works for me.

[LilGirlandOW]

In limited sex I mean still a few times a week, closer to half the time we see eachother... instead of 90% of the time.... possibly he doesnt want me to see myself as a "booty call" lol, and move onto a real R. I think he see's my worthiness of a real R, and is trying to sew the crumbs he can offer me into something that somewhat resembles that,,, so I dont go and find the real thing.

 

Again this is just a theory

[jlola]

Aside from extended family I've spent alot of time with his siblings and father

 

 

He has introduced you to his siblings and father as his girlfriend??

[LilGirlandOW]

He has introduced you to his siblings and father as his girlfriend??

 

Yes, his sister in turn introduced me also as MM gf