The Promise Ring: WS feelings for AP and BS?

[jlola]

And i know this is ot but since you mentioned it in this thread i will address it... him wanting less sex is a very very bad sign for you. It could mean one of a few things... he's getting bored or not as interested...trying to detach... or working on things with his wife i.e. more intimacy.

Or perhaps his doctor warned him to cut down on his Viagra usage and he is preparing her to get used to less sex.

[Trimmer]

This is all sweet, and I could totally be a sister wife, I plural R's are good in many ways. I'm sure his W would disagree, lol.

"lol", really? You think that his wife's recognition of this betrayal would be funny?

 

Like I said before I think its very sweet, still my first instinct/thought was dog peeing on a tree. Maybe I should ask for a necklace of it, lol.

Ewww, that just sounds like you're into watersports...

 

 

Kindness is a good thing.

Like the sort of kindness that would have one laughing at the betrayed wife?

[LilGirlandOW]

 

Ewww, that just sounds like you're into watersports...

 

 

How this comparison would lead you to believe I like to get pissed on is beyond me, although, my apologies I should have explained this better for posters like yourself.....

 

See a dog pee's on a tree to mark their territory, its a dominance thing. Dogs use urine marking to show their dominance or to claim something as belonging to them. Dogs with feelings of insecurity or who have separation anxiety may also mark, as territory marking builds the dog's confidence.

 

Nothing to do with the tree's desire to be urinated on.

[LilGirlandOW]

Lil. You have confided in us that you were sexually abused.

 

A common trait of sexual abuse victims is that they are stuck at the age they were when they experienced the abuse. Others view them as very immature, because they act much younger than their chronological age. Please ask your counselor about DBT therapy. I think it would be beneficial to you.

 

Very interesting, thanks. I will look into this

[rumbleseat]

it sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do. You may be an adult, but in a lot of ways, you are still a child, and it's not "cute" anymore.

 

Your actions are hurting other people and yourself. That's not on him, that's not on his wife, that's not on anyone else but you. If you want things to chnage, you have to make it happen, and you can't blame anyone else but yourself and your decisions that have gotten you to this point.

[Trimmer]

How this comparison would lead you to believe I like to get pissed on is beyond me, although, my apologies I should have explained this better for posters like yourself.....

Sorry, that was a joke, and admittedly an inappropriate one in the context of your situation. Perhaps an emoticon would have helped, for posters like yourself....

 

I note that while you responded to what I thought was an obvious (if crude) joke, you didn't respond to my main point: you think that the betrayal of the wife is something to lol about?

Edited September 15, 2013 by Trimmer

[LilGirlandOW]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilGirlandOW View Post

This is all sweet, and I could totally be a sister wife, I plural R's are good in many ways. I'm sure his W would disagree, lol.

 

 

"lol", really? You think that his wife's recognition of this betrayal would be funny?

 

 

Ewww, that just sounds like you're into watersports...

 

 

 

Like the sort of kindness that would have one laughing at the betrayed wife?

 

Not laughing at anybody's betrayal. I was lol'ing about the chance of a AP/WS/BS situation becoming a plural R. I'm sure the point could have been more solidly made without the lol. Lol.

[2sunny]

it sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do. You may be an adult, but in a lot of ways, you are still a child, and it's not "cute" anymore.

 

Your actions are hurting other people and yourself. That's not on him, that's not on his wife, that's not on anyone else but you. If you want things to chnage, you have to make it happen, and you can't blame anyone else but yourself and your decisions that have gotten you to this point.

 

You are participating in the cause of someone else's pain.

 

How do you feel about doing that to another person?

[LilGirlandOW]

The BS I assume you're talking about...

 

It just happened, then we fell in love :love::love::love:, now, I just cant help myself because we are soul-mates.

 

Honestly though, and this is the part I hate, I think his M is better now than ever, maybe she's happier than ever now? I dont hear of them fighting as often.

[cif]

Without a doubt your presence in his life is making their marriage better. This is why OW who want a chance at a real R with MM, myself included, would never give them ourselves until they were done with the M. If we make the marriage tolerable and they get comfy with a 3 way sitch they will never leave for us. Get it?

 

You gave me that advice memba that? Stay away you said. You should too. Now my MM is trykng to get in touch with me like a madman. Make him leave.

[jlola]

Lil. You have confided in us that you were sexually abused.

 

A common trait of sexual abuse victims is that they are stuck at the age they were when they experienced the abuse. Others view them as very immature, because they act much younger than their chronological age. Please ask your counselor about DBT therapy. I think it would be beneficial to you.

 

 

Note the irony that Lil was betrayed by her therapist and this hurt her deeply also humiliated her that everyone was told what happened to her.and has continued to be a part of her life.

 

Now she is a "Little girl" to MM. But this time, she is helping the betrayer destroy and humiliate his wife. And too "everyone, his family " is in on what is going on behind BS's back. they are all betraying BS is the worst ways.

 

Lil now is looking for reasons it is the "wife's fault for MM's betrayal". Just like the girlfriend of her abuser blamed her.

 

can we say "repetition compulsion?

 

Lil cannot see how MM is a worse betrayer. She ignoes it. As they say, the age the trauma happened is the age most will be emotionally stuck at. This explains so much of why others can see the horrible behavior of MM and she seesit as sweet. I think MM is an emotional teenagers also.

[jlola]

Also Lil,

 

It seems you should consider taking time for yourself to heal from relationships. You say you ere married to ex for almost 10 years. you have a 2 year old child. Yet you have been OW for a year. Having children, how do you have so much time to spend with MM,have kids and work. Does your ex have partial or full custody?

[Owl]

How would a promise ring to you differ from a wedding band he gave his wife? They obviously mean nothing and only serve him a purpose.

 

I thought this a question worth repeating.

 

LIL, you're convinced that your R with MM is > his relationship with his wife.

 

Does it not occur to you that he courted her...that he made her feel the same way that you do right now...at some point?

 

You're convinced that your relationship is unique...that your situation is unique, regardless of the evidence to the contrary.

 

What, specifically, are you hoping that LS posters can say/do for you??????

 

You're so deep in denial that there's no advice we can offer that you'd contemplate...what are you hoping we can do for you?

[ComingInHot]

Lil, how old are you again?!? Sometimes your responses come across as someone whose a young teen, or not right...

Just wondering... it would help w/my responses. Gear them towards a grown, mentally mature woman or a Fifteen year old, ya know*

[georgia girl]

LGOW,

 

First, I would get rid of the "promise" before the ring. There is no real promise there. But, if you love the ring and can accept it as simply a gift - a token of appreciation and affection that does not hold an implied future - then enjoy that he put a lot of effort into a gift.

 

I think the issue becomes when you attach to the gift the idea of the promise ring - whether "you" implies you yourself or you and he as a couple. It's simply dichotic. If he wants a future with you, there are some pretty easy steps to take to get there - leave his wife (who he claims to not love) and make you the primary relationship. Until he does that, whether or not he attaches the word "promise" to the ring or not, you really should - for self-protection - simply view it as a ring. As another poster said, I would also not wear it on your left ring finger. If he asks why/tries to force you to, I'd reply that it was simply a gift. He can't make it a promise ring when he has nothing to promise. This is a way to make a clear delineation that half-measures won't hold you to him and that only full measures get a full-measured response.

 

LGOW, I think you're kidding yourself and setting yourself up for so much hurt. Would you consider making small steps to re-establish yourself? Carve out time without him? Deny him all of your free time to spend time with friends and family? Start pursuing individual interests? I think it's time. I think the perception you have of your relationship (based only what you've told us here) is not well-aligned with the reality of your relationship.

 

I wish you happiness. I truly do. And I get that you so want that happiness to come from him. But, just maybe, there's someone out there for you who will be free to commit and can be the man you truly desire. Isn't he worth holding out for?

[MissBee]

LGOW,

 

First, I would get rid of the "promise" before the ring. There is no real promise there. But, if you love the ring and can accept it as simply a gift - a token of appreciation and affection that does not hold an implied future - then enjoy that he put a lot of effort into a gift.

 

I think the issue becomes when you attach to the gift the idea of the promise ring - whether "you" implies you yourself or you and he as a couple. It's simply dichotic. If he wants a future with you, there are some pretty easy steps to take to get there - leave his wife (who he claims to not love) and make you the primary relationship. Until he does that, whether or not he attaches the word "promise" to the ring or not, you really should - for self-protection - simply view it as a ring. As another poster said, I would also not wear it on your left ring finger. If he asks why/tries to force you to, I'd reply that it was simply a gift. He can't make it a promise ring when he has nothing to promise. This is a way to make a clear delineation that half-measures won't hold you to him and that only full measures get a full-measured response.

 

LGOW, I think you're kidding yourself and setting yourself up for so much hurt. Would you consider making small steps to re-establish yourself? Carve out time without him? Deny him all of your free time to spend time with friends and family? Start pursuing individual interests? I think it's time. I think the perception you have of your relationship (based only what you've told us here) is not well-aligned with the reality of your relationship.

 

I wish you happiness. I truly do. And I get that you so want that happiness to come from him. But, just maybe, there's someone out there for you who will be free to commit and can be the man you truly desire. Isn't he worth holding out for?

 

 

I agree with this.

 

I think every woman (and man) in a relationship should make sure to carve out time where they have other interest, friends, pursuits and meaning in their life besides their SO. You can't build your world around any one person, even parents, esp married ones, have to have other stuff in life besides solely focusing on their children and also have to carve out a space for their relationship as a couple outside of being just parents. That said, it is even more important for OW who are in an affair, and are treating it like a full relationship, to make sure they are not investing too much into the situation and the MM and neglecting other important aspects of their lives...as while it's foolish in all relationships, it is especially foolhardy in an affair.

 

As the cliched but true saying goes: Never make someone a priority who makes you an option.

 

I think ALL OW should heed that advice. Affairs and the AP are the option generally and their family and spouses are the priority and what they will try to protect when push comes to shove. Once he divorces and can be with you in the open, THEN you can prioritize him or take his promise ring to be worth something, but until then, it simply doesn't make sense to treat your married bf as a priority when for many, including you Lil, it is clear you aren't.

Edited September 17, 2013 by MissBee