What do I do now??

[Bren]

Hi

 

I have a problem. My boyfriend bashed me new years eve - and I have left him. The trouble is - he wont leave me alone.

 

What should I do ???

[Nic]

FIRSTLY - DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE PRESSURE HE IS PLACING ON YOU.

 

once physical violence occurs in a relationship, it easily becomes a pattern. it happens more and more frequently and becomes more serious. eventually, it can lead to serious injury or to death. violence is a sign that something is wrong. it should be taken seriously and help should be sought.

 

when on partner uses tactics to control the other partner, it can be very damaging. this control or power imbalance can take many forms, including threats, 'stalking' behaviour, and physical abuse. so far, your boyfriend has assaulted you and now he is, in a sense, stalking you.

 

he may/may not, or may have already tried to get you back.

 

it does not matter one little bit whether he was sober, drunk, under the influence of drugs, or possessed by the devil. this guy physically abused you and had no right to. i can guarantee you that he will cry, tell you how much he loves you, how sorry he is, how it will never happen again. on the other hand, he may tell you all sorts of rubbish such as "you deserved it" (which YOU DID NOT!!), "this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't of_____" (insert action). stalking (repeatedly harassing or following someone to make them scared for their own safety) is also a crime.

 

just remember - the abuse is not your fault. you don't deserve to be abused. you can't change someone who is abusive. staying in the relationship won't stop the abuse. with time the abuse always gets worse.

 

you can, and you should talk to someone about the abuse. you can tell a family member, a friend, or your doctor. you can also talk to a support group in your community. women's centres and legal aid offices may be able to tell you of other services which offer help.

 

it is more than likely that he will/is:-

 

a) minimise and deny his behavior

 

b) blame you (his victim)

 

c) distrust others

 

d) not in touch with his own feelings

 

e) will take you on a big sympathy ride.

 

physical abuse is not just physical. it is also emotional.

 

i don't know where you live, but over here in australia, you can get a restraining order against someone who is abusive or who is harassing you (i think they're called 'peace bonds' in the US??)

 

there are still things you could do to help you to feel safer, even though you have broken up with him.

 

* tell friends or family and get them to help protect you by being around when he is there.

 

* try not to be alone with him. if he wants to talk to you, do not under any circumstances, talk to him alone.

 

* have an excuse prepared so you can leave quickly if you run into him while out somewhere.

 

* have a code word or signal that you can use to get friends to help you if he harrasses you while you are out.

 

* if you go to school / college / work with him, you could talk to a teacher or a workmate you trust to help protect you from his harrassment.

 

for the time being, make sure there is always someone with you when you are out of your home. tell as many people as you TRUST, family, friends, workmates about what has happened. make them aware that he won't leave you alone. at least this way, you have some form of protection constantly. they might have some ideas to help you to feel safer. they might be able to help protect you from him, or they might be able to talk to him or warn him about the consequences of his behaviour. talk to someone about what you could do legally to protect yourself from any more violence.

 

pay attention to and trust your feelings and gut instincts

 

believe that you don't deserve to be treated this way

 

believe it's not your fault that he behaves this way

 

be proud of the way you've been able to be strong and of the ways you have found to keep going when you've felt so much confusion, fear and hurt.

 

Hi I have a problem. My boyfriend bashed me new years eve - and I have left him. The trouble is - he wont leave me alone. What should I do ???

[Tony T]

What do you mean by "bashed"? Some places, this means to put down or insult...other places, it means to assault.

 

If he assaulted you, you should file criminal charges against him to show him you mean business. His attorney will then advise him not to have contact with you.

 

If he only insulted you, you do not have that particular option. If he is harassing you via phone, have his number blocked from your line. You can do that through the phone company. You can also have him criminally charged with harrassment, whether it's through use of the phone or in person.

 

Everyone has the right to live their lives without this kind of stuff going on. So take decisive action now to show him you mean business and you will not tolerate him messing with you.

[Bren]

Thanks for your advice. He physically abused me New Years Eve - I still love him, but there is no way that I could go back. I thought I was going to die. Why do I still have these feeling for him. I went out on a date last night, I couldn't even kiss the guy I felt sick and I felt like I was cheating on him. Crazy I know, but that is how I felt. I changed all my number (home/mobile) but I have just come back to work today, and he rang me this morning - I hung up on him (twice - it made him really mad), I really don't want to see him or talk to him, cos I know I still have feelings for him. What do I do? I have a feeling that he will come to my work this evening.

[Juds]

Bren,

 

If he is capable of hurting you once, he is capable of hurting you again. Please don't take any risks with your safety. It sounds like he is trying to get back with you, but PLEASE don't even entertain that thought. Please also be careful - even though your reasons for leaving are very sound, he will not see it that way,(although he'll probably pretend to). All he wants is to have you back. At the moment he will probably do or say anything to achieve that.

 

However, if you continue to hang up on him, and to refuse to see him, then more than likely he will become increasingly frustrated with the situation and that could lead to violence once again.

 

If I were in your situation, I would just call the local police, and check out where you stand legally. What can you do to protect yourself from harrassment? They deal with these situations frequently, and would give some very sound advice on your options, and I'm sure you wouldn't be telling them anything they haven't heard before. They are remarkably understanding and supportive.

 

The law is on your side, as long as you follow the correct procedures NOW. If you ignore this, and another incident happens (heaven forbid), then it's his word against yours. At least if you have taken precautions to protect yourself, then you will have a better case against him, if it ever gets to that.

 

I would not speak ONE word to him. If he continues to harrass you at work, hang up on him every time without a word. Don't give him the satisfaction of one single bit of attention. It will either give him encouragement to keep calling, or give him false hope regarding your relationship. Hopefully, with no response from you he will give up, although it may take a while.

 

Please check out your legal rights. They are there to help.

 

By the way, how are you coping. All this practical advice - but are you feeling allright? Being bashed is a terrifying thing to happen. Draw support from your loved ones, or a counsellor - don't just try and sweep it under the carpet. I know - I did it, and to this day have a mistrust of men. The minute their voices become too loud, or they make a gesture that even REMOTELY looks like violence, I become like a scared little rabbit.

 

Good Luck, let us all know if there is anything else we can do to help.

[Nic]

if there is someone at your work that you can trust, i would strongly advise that you tell them what happened, and why you are scared. the physical signs are probably obvious anyway. you are sure to get nothing but understanding and a helping hand from them. if you can, arrange for a friend, parent, sibling to meet you at work when you are finished, i would advise you do that. if they can't, arrange for security to walk you to your car, or to a taxi.

 

of course you still have feelings for him. you fell in love with him for a reason, but unfortunately, he's just gone and proved himself to be someone you do not want to be with. you weren't to know he would do this to you. but these feelings you have for him will subside. you now know he is not the person you thought he was. it will just be a matter of time until the feelings for the person you thought he was, dwindle away.

 

don't feel bad that going on a date didn't feel like the right thing to do. heck, it's probably not really. i mean, you have just broken up with your boyfriend and have to get over it first. not to mention, kissing someone new so soon after a break-up can be a very weird experience. you were so used to kissing someone else, and it's only natural that it wouldn't feel right even thinking about it. i would be the same, regardless of why i broke up with my ex. you probably feel you are cheating on him because it's so soon after the break up and your ex is probably acting like he still wants you. he may want to be with you, but as far as i'm concerned, a leopard won't change his spots and physical abuse should not be tolerated at all. he should never have done what he did in the first place, and he has no choice other than to accept that he screwed this up.

 

give yourself some time before you start dating other people. you will know when it feels right, but perhaps now is not the time.

 

if he calls again, politely explain that he should expect you to not want anything to do with him. he may not have "meant" for the assault to happen, but it did. he knew perfectly well what he was doing. and there is no excuse for it. tell him to do the exact opposite to what he did on new year's, and to respect your feelings. he might be suffering from his actions, but you are suffering a hell of a lot more than him. you can't possibly trust someone who did this to you, and he should try to understand that. let him know you still have feelings for him, but as well as abusing you, he abused your trust and your faith in him as a person. show him you have some self-respect and don't give in to him. it is possible that right now he will be more focused on his feelings, but just make sure you focus on yours and your best interests.

 

a bit of anger management and counselling for abusive partners wouldn't hurt him either. he needs a lot of time on his own to think about what he's done to you. a lot of time.

 

if all else fails, and calmly talking to him doesn't work, get a group of people you can trust around you and call the police about a restraining order.

Thanks for your advice. He physically abused me New Years Eve - I still love him, but there is no way that I could go back. I thought I was going to die. Why do I still have these feeling for him. I went out on a date last night, I couldn't even kiss the guy I felt sick and I felt like I was cheating on him. Crazy I know, but that is how I felt. I changed all my number (home/mobile) but I have just come back to work today, and he rang me this morning - I hung up on him (twice - it made him really mad), I really don't want to see him or talk to him, cos I know I still have feelings for him. What do I do? I have a feeling that he will come to my work this evening.

[Bren]

I am coping okay. I am scared to go home I am scared to go to work. I have the BEST friends anyone in the world could ask for. They have helped me heaps. My parents do actually know what happened. I dont want to stress them out. I understand totally about the men thing. I dont know if i can trust anyone again. When I reported this to the police they send the information on to a councelling service. I am waiting for their call. I have dreams about him, and I have nightmares. I would NEVER wish this situation onto anyone. I used to be a happy, forward person - now I dont even want to talk to people.

 

He rang again, this afternoon - I told my boss - she took the call and told him i wasnt here. I hate involving other people. I hate that it has affected everything in my life. I hate the situation he has put me in, and I hate the way that he has made me feel.

 

But i still have some feelings for him - what is with that?

[Nic]

sorry juds, i'm not treading on your turf this matter here concerns me a lot. i think we both can relate to it.

 

these feelings you have are only temporary. they will pass, i promise.

 

just remember, you may have involved other people in this, but that is only for your own safety. honestly, everyone in your life who knows you, your friends, family, workmates, will WANT to help you out.

 

and don't panic. this will be a temporary thing in your life. you have so far managed to get more control over this than you realise. you gained control by telling him to get out of your life, and you have stayed in control by informing others around you about what happened, and asking for their help, and by coming here for advice too.

 

don't ever let him have the opportunity to do something like this again, and the worst should be over now. the only way is up from here. :)

I am coping okay. I am scared to go home I am scared to go to work. I have the BEST friends anyone in the world could ask for. They have helped me heaps. My parents do actually know what happened. I dont want to stress them out. I understand totally about the men thing. I dont know if i can trust anyone again. When I reported this to the police they send the information on to a councelling service. I am waiting for their call. I have dreams about him, and I have nightmares. I would NEVER wish this situation onto anyone. I used to be a happy, forward person - now I dont even want to talk to people. He rang again, this afternoon - I told my boss - she took the call and told him i wasnt here. I hate involving other people. I hate that it has affected everything in my life. I hate the situation he has put me in, and I hate the way that he has made me feel. But i still have some feelings for him - what is with that?

[Juds]

If I knew the answer to that one sweetie, I'd be a richer girl than I am today!! Women the world over stay with men who hurt them, sometimes for years, and still claim to love them. I have my own ideas, but whether or not you agree is up to you. Personally I see men who are violent towards women as rather controlling. They use violence when they feel that a situation is out of their control. Maybe his subtle (or perhaps not so subtle) controlling techniques have made you feel like you need him. Realistically, how can you love someone who made you feel like you were going to die? But on some emotional level, the feelings are still there that once attracted you to him, and I guess you just wish he could be half the man that you hoped he would be. Just remember that he is NOT! He is a cowardly woman basher! PLEASE, PLEASE don't ever forget that - regardless of how you think you still feel about him.

Losing a relationship is painful, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it. You will feel a sense of loss, and feel the void that he used to fill. Fill your time with the most loving and supportive friends that you can, and spend the time doing some soul searching. Personally I don't think that I would date just yet. You will set yourself up for confusion. Perhaps opt instead for spending time with your family, and or your friends. Their presence can be so very comforting.

 

There are many resources around to help you. Even on the internet there are many sites devoted to abuse and coping strategies. You may benefit from searching for some of these, there are so many people in the same boat as you, and they may be able to offer you support.

 

I do know how you feel. My ex-husband from quite a few years ago abused me, and to this day I still struggle with the issues it has left me with. The one thing I can categorically 100% say is that being hurt is NOT your fault.

 

No matter what you did or said, or even if you "provoked" him (as so many men would have women believe), you DO NOT deserve to be hurt, either emotionally or physically.

 

You will come out of this okay - probably a lot stronger and wiser for the experience. These PIGS that call themselves men never understand the damage that their wimp fists do - the damage goes so much deeper than the bruises.

 

I wish you all the love and luck that I can possibly send you. Be brave, you'll be allright.

 

PS - don't worry about involving your boss - she probably wants to protect you. Better that she knows, she'll probably be more understanding now that you've been honest. Sisters unite!! Tell the PIG to go to hell!!

[Juds]

Hi Bren,

 

Me again - I've just had a quick look around on the net and came up with what looks to be an okay Domestic Violence site.

 

Hope it helps, take care.

 

http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/1488/lib1wom.html

[Rachel]

When you feel like you miss him, ask yourself, Am I thinking with my head or my heart?

 

Your heart fell in love with a person, you thought you knew, but he is entirely a MONSTER in disguise. He is like the Devil.

 

Please be very very careful. You need to contact the police and get a restraining order. YOu will feel safe and not so scared anymore. There is nothing embarassing or shameful in doing that. He probably knows on some level that he is still scaring you, by trying to contact you.

 

Get control. If you need to go to work an hour earlier and leave an hour earlier, that might do it.

 

Anyway, It is normal for you to miss him. You loved this person and you had him in your life for a reason. You just didn't know the sick person that he is. We just don't think stuff like this happens to us, we always think it happens to other people.

 

Well, it HAS happened to you. You know WHATEVER the reason, it WILL happen again, if yo let this person in your life.

 

If I were you, I would spend the money and get at least ONE professional counseling session. I'm sure you spend money on clothing, so buy one less outfit, and spend that money on counseling. I think you are in need of it. Plus it will help you deal with the trauma this situation has caused you.

 

I think you are underestimating the trauma you are under.

 

If you don't mind, please keep us posted. We have a bunch of "regulars" on this board who care about the problems people post on here. We would love to know you are OK. OK?

[Juds]

 

Hi Bren,

 

I'm with Rachel, keep us posted. We'd love to know how you're doing.

 

Take good care sweetie