Am I going too far?

[Soconfused92]

ok I'm going to make this as short as possible so as not to bore you with the details. My boyfriend cheated on me once before when we first graduated high school. We had a major falling out but I took him back months later because I loved him. (Stupid I know, right?)

Well fast forward about 4 years and he's been great. Super supportive, helps me out when I need it, doesn't get upset with me if I cry or anything about that past event because he understands it still hurts.

Anyways we got engaged and I saw a message to him from a girl I know who is in the nicest way possible a hookup artist. She loves to get with other girls boyfriends...it's like her favorite hobby. So seeing that I immediately confronted him and he admitted to kissing her but nothing else. I then threaten to leave because I want the truth and he admits to having slept with her twice and then admitted to a whole other girl I didn't even know about from 2 years ago. Came completely clean and then begged and pleaded for me to forgive him.

I'm just so confused and upset I've been crying for days. He asked me what to do for me to trust him again and I gave him a list of stuff including giving me all his passwords to all his online accounts, having access to his computer and phone any time I ask, putting a public announcement to let people know what he did and with who, then telling the girls he hooked up with that he can't ever have contact with them again and then go completely out of contact with them for good. I also have him scheduled for STD testing and I told him I want him to go to counseling since he's blaming everything on a self control problem. I think I went overboard but I'm just so upset I don't know what to do. He's agreed to everything no questions asked but now I feel horrible because I feel like I asked too much when I'm not even sure if I'd be able to stay with him.

 

Sorry if this is all over the place...I just need help on what to do.

[IAmRobot]

Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

You caught him cheating 4 years ago and didn't leave? That just sent him a message to cover his tracks better.

[pteromom]

Well fast forward about 4 years and he's been great. Super supportive, helps me out when I need it, doesn't get upset with me if I cry or anything about that past event because he understands it still hurts.

 

...except for while he's holding you for crying over his past indiscretions, he is still going out and sleeping with other girls. So no matter how supportive he SEEMS, he is either devious or stupid.

 

He asked me what to do for me to trust him again and I gave him a list of stuff including giving me all his passwords to all his online accounts, having access to his computer and phone any time I ask, putting a public announcement to let people know what he did and with who, then telling the girls he hooked up with that he can't ever have contact with them again and then go completely out of contact with them for good. I also have him scheduled for STD testing and I told him I want him to go to counseling since he's blaming everything on a self control problem.

 

I don't think you went overboard (well, maybe with the public announcement, but eh). Here's the thing. Now you have all his passwords and his promises. So... now what? You'll have to make sure you keep snooping around in all his accounts and watching everything he does to ensure he'll never cheat again? Sounds TIRING.

 

In my opinion, if he was "supporting" you while you were crying over his first indiscretion, he already knew how you felt about cheating but chose to disregard it. And that is all I would need to know. I would end it.

 

now I feel horrible because I feel like I asked too much when I'm not even sure if I'd be able to stay with him.

 

You have no reason to feel horrible. He's the liar and cheater here.

[pteromom]

Make no mistake - what he did was sh*tty. But you're expecting way too much for a boy whose barely out of his teens and hasn't had a chance to date others or explore the world outside his committed relationship to you.

 

Boys are hard-wired differently than girls (sorry, but it's true - regardless of how sexist that sounds). It's not an excuse for what he did, but it's reality.

 

While all of this is generally true, he still made a promise to her and broke it. Just because young guys are walking hormones doesn't mean they all cheat.

 

If he wants to explore, he can do it while single.

[nescafe1982]

Enough "boys will be boys." I agree with Pteromom that hormones are hardly an excuse for bad behavior.

 

OP, get and stay away from this boy. He will hurt you every time you give him a chance to. I am so sorry to hear about how much he's put you through already, but he is clearly too self-centered to maintain a relationship (with you or anyone else) right now. Go no-contact, immediately.. he's the breed of selfish that is too toxic to subject yourself to.

 

Be around people who care about you right now, and start healing. It will take some time but you will eventually get to the place where you look back on this guy and think "geez, what was I thinking?"

 

And you will thank your lucky stars that all this happened before the wedding.

 

Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you going to far? No...in fact, you're not going far enough. Why? Because you haven't left this lying, cheating, sorry excuse for a fiance.

[giblesp]

Best thing is to leave him, if you keep taking him back you're saying his behavior is ok. He needs a hard lesson in life to not be a cheater and accept the responsibility of a committed relationship.

 

You deserve someone who is loyal, as you are to them. Your partner needs some help, as he's inflicted pain on himself because of an empty sex addiction that doesn't make him happy, and has cost him the woman he loves.

 

You're both still young, go meet other people. If it's meant to be, you could always hook up again when you're older.