I think my daughter's husband hits her.

[Worst fear]

My youngest daughter is in her early thirties, she was always very sweet and quiet when she was little. She is my favorite, and my ex husband's too. She brought him home about ten years ago and everyone knew he was trouble. he is rude, cocky, loud, and just plain obnoxious. My husband and I were divorcing at the time but one thing we did agree on was he was a jerk. He's older than he by about twelve years...

 

He's always been mean to her I've heard him call her so many different names it makes me sick. I've always told her to leave him, but she always says he's a good husband and an amazing dad so she can get through it. I know he's not, he has cheated on her too.

 

I had my grandson for the weekend, when I told him it was time to go home started to cry. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was scared. His dad yells a lot and is angry all the time. I asked if he hit him ever. He told me no, but he does hit his mom. I had to turn away from him because I started to cry.

 

I'm heart broken, the worst thing in the world is happening but I'm not sure what to do. I don't have the room for them to stay with me... But my ex does. I haven't called him yet, I don't know what to say.

[Art_Critic]

But my ex does. I haven't called him yet, I don't know what to say.

 

Call him, she is his Daughter too, you both can figure out how to get her the help she needs to get away from him.

 

I'm so sorry that your Daughter is going through this with your Grandson.

[whichwayisup]

Since this is something you and your ex totally are on board with and see that H of hers for who he is, DO call him and talk to him. Together as co parents (even if your kids are older) you'll come up with a plan and give your daughter love and support.

 

I'm sorry that your daughter is in an abusive marriage. She is probably terrified to leave him as he has her brain washed.

[Worst fear]

They just had a baby girl...

[Radu]

Since this is something you and your ex totally are on board with and see that H of hers for who he is, DO call him and talk to him. Together as co parents (even if your kids are older) you'll come up with a plan and give your daughter love and support.

 

I'm sorry that your daughter is in an abusive marriage. She is probably terrified to leave him as he has her brain washed.

 

May sound mean, but i doubt it.

 

From what OP said, it sounded like he was trouble from day one, which i suspect means she is not as much afraid but enabler-ish.

In which case, this guy didn't just put a new idea [to be afraid] in her mind, but enhanced an existing one [that she deserves this or that this is what she knows].

 

OP, this may hurt you but there is nothing you can actively do about this unless your daughter also wants it.

You might want to talk to someone at a woman's shelter about ways of making your daughter see this massive problem.

There is also an abuse section on this site [towards the bottom], hopefully the ppl who are regulars there will also post here.

 

PS: What i find odd is the OP's statement of her being her [and her ex husband's] favorite child.

[Worst fear]

May sound mean, but i doubt it.

 

From what OP said, it sounded like he was trouble from day one, which i suspect means she is not as much afraid but enabler-ish.

In which case, this guy didn't just put a new idea [to be afraid] in her mind, but enhanced an existing one [that she deserves this or that this is what she knows].

 

OP, this may hurt you but there is nothing you can actively do about this unless your daughter also wants it.

You might want to talk to someone at a woman's shelter about ways of making your daughter see this massive problem.

There is also an abuse section on this site [towards the bottom], hopefully the ppl who are regulars there will also post here.

 

PS: What i find odd is the OP's statement of her being her [and her ex husband's] favorite child.

 

It's not so much she is my favorite, but she's the one I expect the most from when it comes down to it. She's always been a daddy's girl, where as our other daughters have been more focused around me.

[peaksandvalleys]

It does sound like she is in an abusive relationship. Have you decided to call your ex yet?

[Balzac]

Gotta ask - was your marriage "abusive"?

[Worst fear]

I haven't called him, I know I need to though. My ex adores our Grandson so I know he will take him. I'm worried I will get involved nod have her turn on us, which is the second to last thing I want.

 

No, my marriage was fine, there just nothing there anymore. I wanted something real. We always talk about how we should've stayed together, because it was a mistake on both our parts.

[Eddy B]

My youngest daughter is in her early thirties, she was always very sweet and quiet when she was little. She is my favorite, and my ex husband's too. She brought him home about ten years ago and everyone knew he was trouble. he is rude, cocky, loud, and just plain obnoxious. My husband and I were divorcing at the time but one thing we did agree on was he was a jerk. He's older than he by about twelve years...

 

He's always been mean to her I've heard him call her so many different names it makes me sick. I've always told her to leave him, but she always says he's a good husband and an amazing dad so she can get through it. I know he's not, he has cheated on her too.

 

I had my grandson for the weekend, when I told him it was time to go home started to cry. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was scared. His dad yells a lot and is angry all the time. I asked if he hit him ever. He told me no, but he does hit his mom. I had to turn away from him because I started to cry.

 

I'm heart broken, the worst thing in the world is happening but I'm not sure what to do. I don't have the room for them to stay with me... But my ex does. I haven't called him yet, I don't know what to say.

 

Hey there.

 

This is a complex situation.

 

If you live in the US (which i don't) you could inform the police about it. I think your grandson can be a witness and I know for sure that laws and procedures in USA about this kind of behaviour are very effective and fast.

[Worst fear]

I called my ex, I told him what happened and he was furious. We both agree we need to get her out of there, but in a way that won't make her back away from us...

 

He wants to go over and investigate, I think it's a bad idea.

[Worst fear]

My ex and I are going over to their house for dinner tonight (our cover to see what's going on) we're hoping it'll help us come up with a plan to get her out. My ex is furious he said he'll pick her up and forcefully take her out if he has to. I'm worried we're going to be too late...

[Balzac]

Too late for what? No law enforcement involved yet and no emergency room visits that you've reported here. On average women take 7 Or more attempts to leave before their final escape. Sad as that is.

[mrs rubble]

I think you should tell your daughter exactly what your grandson said, because if he's telling you, he may also tell kindy teachers, who WILL report it and she will be as much at fault for allowing her children to be in an abusive situation and may have the kids taken off her too as well as being beaten.

[Worst fear]

Because I have read abused women truly believe they deserve it, and knowing my daughter she probably thinks its something she's done wrong. There also is the chance that this as effected my sweet grandson,... It scares me.

[bentleychic]

It usually takes 2 to tango.. My married friends laugh about how everyone thinks their wife is "perfect" yet are downright mean/verbally abusive behind closed doors.

Many abusers don't need a "reason" to abuse. A lot of times, it has absolutely nothing to do with the spouse. They could "look at them wrong" and be the "reason" the husband hits her.

[amaysngrace]

Tell your daughter that she's setting an example for the roles her children will grow into.

 

She may not be seeing that abuse happens in cycles. She may only be concerned with breaking up her family. Remind her that her children already live in a broken home.

 

I'm sorry for your heartache. XO

[KathyM]

Because I have read abused women truly believe they deserve it, and knowing my daughter she probably thinks its something she's done wrong. There also is the chance that this as effected my sweet grandson,... It scares me.

This is exactly right--abused women stay because they are convinced by their abuser that they deserve the abuse, or they believe he will change, or they believe they don't have any other options other than to stay in their situation. I would suggest getting her into counseling. The counselor will educate her on the cycle of abuse, what constitutes abuse, and help her to develop a safety plan. Of course, counselors are mandated reporters also, so if they believe the child is in any danger from these altercations between the parents, they will be mandated to report it to child protection. I think your first step should be to have an intervention between you, your ex, and your daughter, and express your concerns about how she is being treated, the potential effect it would have on her son (sons who witness their father abusing their mother often go on to become abusers themselves). Do not include her husband in this intervention. Offer her a safe refuge, either with you or her father so she knows she has options. Then encourage her to get into counseling so that she can be educated about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Good luck. My mother dealt with the same scenario with her oldest daughter. I know it's difficult. It's a good thing you are there to be supportive of her and looking out for your grandson and your daughter.

[Worst fear]

No. She didn't, but I told her if she ever needed anything we were a call away.

 

My grandson dropped something and a scared look came over his face, I've seen him scared before but this was different. My son in law in a very rude, harsh tone of voice told him to pick it up and use common sense once in awhile. My ex husband told him to chill out it was an accident. He just shook his head annoyed. The baby (their month old daughter) started crying and he said "I don't even know why we had her. The one we got is already enough, hopefully she got my intelligence"

 

When we sat down I asked about his job interview that is an advance in his company. He said it went well, and my daughter replied that they loved him, his current boss totally expects him to get the job. She touched his face and said he was wonderful. He just smiled at her and continued talking.

 

So no, I personally saw no signs of abuse towards her.

[Grumpybutfun]

People are jumping to conclusions. The wife says that the husband is a "good husband and amazing dad". So, does the wife have bruises? Has she called the police before? Does she hit the husband? How old is the grandchild?

Has she admitted being hit?

 

Yes, all of these questions need to be addressed by professionals, and they will be once the little boy's words are reported. Domestic abuse is when someone tries to control another person through fear, subjugation, humiliation and guilt. Just because a woman says she isn't being abused doesn't mean it isn't true. The red flags here for me are the child's answers to his grandmother's questions and his fears around his father. Children do not have the sophisticated internal wiring to playact fear and trepidation for gain until they are pre-teen or teen according to child development studies. These are all emotional abuse (which seeing your mother hit is considered) responses. She may not admit to being hit because he treats her well enough at times to instill loyalty to him...sort of like giving attention and affection 95% of the time then being abusive only 5%. If you have never worked with domestic abuse victims I can see where it might seem as though this is jumping to conclusions, but everyday a woman lives in a domestic abuse is one day closer to possible death, and/or possible child abuse for the children. Unfortunately, statistics do not lie. Unfortunately, my wife has worked with women who have stayed with men who have methodically abused them for years because they do not want to break up the family and they are afraid of their abuser far more than concerned for their own safety. They also love their abusers very much, and do not want to see them punished. Abuse becomes their new normal.

I understand your concern about accusing the father unnecessarily, and possibly making him a victim, but since the accusation came from a child and not the mother, it should be followed up as no child should have to live in an environment of that nature. Domestic abuse and child abuse are not accusations that should be ignored. If the father is innocent, then they still need to find out why this child is making up stories like this as he may have some other issues that needs to be addressed. My wife has worked with many cases where the father or mother was exonerated by professionals and everything was done very privately so it did not reflect poorly on the accused. I hope you would agree that doing nothing and ignoring a little boy saying that his father yells and hits his mother would be irresponsible.

Grumps

 

OP:

I still would suggest you anonymously speak to a Domestic Abuse Hotline just so you can know the signs of a battered spouse. Also, find out in your area what the protocol is for children in abusive situations so you will know what steps to take if your daughter does come to you in the future. Know exactly what agencies to call if you see anything or hear anything out of the ordinary. Also, call the local domestic abuse shelters and talk to someone there about your fears. You can do so anonymously. Have a plan of action in place. You have done all you can do, as far as asking your daughter, now stay vigilant and stay involved in their lives. You are right to be concerned.

Best of luck,

Grumps

Edited September 19, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[turnera]

Print out some newsletters or articles about mental/physical abuse, from the victim's perspective, and leave them with her. Tell her you know what he's doing and you're expecting her to do the right thing and leave him, if not for her then for her son. Hint that if you don't see her making plans to leave, you fear 'someone' will report them both for the abuse and she'll have to prove the right to keep her son. See what happens.

[CC12]

Tell her you know what he's doing

 

OP has no real proof of any physical abuse, just what the little boy said and the guy's general douchebaggery. I'm not doubting that abuse is occurring, I'm just pointing out that without clear evidence, you can't really go in with guns blazing and start hurling accusations.

 

and you're expecting her to do the right thing and leave him, if not for her then for her son. Hint that if you don't see her making plans to leave, you fear 'someone' will report them both for the abuse and she'll have to prove the right to keep her son. See what happens.

 

I don't think it's wise to use guilt, threats, or intimidation to help someone get away from an abuser who also likely uses guilt, threats, or intimidation.

 

OP, I think you have to try as hard as you can to be a neutral third party that she can be comfortable coming to if she needs help. You can let her know that you think he's bad for her, so that she knows there's at least someone else who recognizes how awful he is, but other than that, just be supportive. Can she come stay with you? If so, make sure she knows that she has a place to go so she won't be homeless if she leaves him.

 

Have you tried bringing it up in private and telling her what her son said? Have you asked her if he hits her?

[Worst fear]

My grandson is 7, my ex husband and I talked about him maybe having exaggerated a little bit, my ex had him for the weekend so I was going to call and see if he said anything else.

 

I've seen him push her, I've seen bruises on her face, arms, and neck. She always denies it when my other daughters or I ask her.

 

My ex and I are getting my house ready for them, likewise with his apartment, he wants her out of there now, but I don't think she'll go.

[turnera]

I don't think it's wise to use guilt, threats, or intimidation to help someone get away from an abuser who also likely uses guilt, threats, or intimidation.

In any case other than her own mother, I would agree with you. But that is one thing mothers keep (or should) all their lives - the right to tell their own children when they think they are screwing up and that they expect more from them. Sometimes that's what said kid is waiting for.

[Worst fear]

My ex had my grandson, he asked him how often his dad yells at him, the response was every day. The same for his mom... He said he calls her mean names and tells her she's fat and makes her cry.

 

He asked if how often he hits her, he said a lot. He hit her right after we left and said he should kill her... We are looking into trying to take custody of our grandson before he thinks this is ok, normal, behavior.