Do I Need More Patience?

[Eroded]

Heh, my username pretty much describes how I've come to feel. I've been married to my husband since last June, and it's been a rollercoaster, as expected. We've had a lot of happy moments together, and a few bouts of me being depressed or him being depressed, etc. We married young (or at least I was quite young at almost being 22 and he was 24), which is common in our religion (which I'm no longer affiliated with--surprisingly doesn't bring a lot of contention to us). I have always been told I'm extremely mature for my age so I figured this made sense and that I was ready.

 

Now I'm just confused.

 

Apologies for the long post. I promise I'm going to see a therapist, but I'd just like some perspective first.

 

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Some background: My husband and I had a pretty speedy courtship (not nearly as quick as others in our religion, though). When I was 16, I met a guy online (let's call him A) in another country, and we spoke daily until I was 18. We fell as madly in love as we could online and he really felt like my other half. We decided to not date until we could in person. Eventually, I got a job at 17 and saved up a lot of money between 17 and 18, spent hours each day researching immigration, and moved to that country a few months after my 18th birthday. I decided I would go to college there too, and got myself a student visa.

 

He ended up being who he said he was, and I had a great time in that country. We dated and just fell more madly in love with each other every passing minute it felt. When I had been in that country for 10 months, we had been shocked to find out that I had to come back to the US because my visa wasn't renewed (an unpaid hospital visit the day before I left for this country made me ineligible for another student loan to help bolster my savings and meet the visa requirements). Two months later, we tearfully said goodbye (I still tear up thinking about that day because of how emotional it was, and that was nearly four years ago) and I flew back to my home 10,000 miles away, with each of us promising we'd continue our relationship and meet again that following November, when school got out for him.

 

I got a job as soon as I came back to the US and scrimped and saved all of my money for his plane ticket and for dates in the US. I had also been the spender in our relationship there, but because I was young and naive, I thought it was okay and my job to do this, since he was much poorer than I was (though I come from a poor background). He flew in in November, proposed in December (I was 20 at this point) and flew back to his country in February, with us having made plans to plan our wedding through Skype and have a December wedding on the exact same day he proposed, a year later.

 

Two months before A arrived, I had met another guy as a friend (we'll call him B). B and I got along really well--as friends, nothing more. I had heard rumors that he had a crush on me, but he was always very respectful of my relationship and took it seriously; he never tried to undermine it. B and I hung out a few times in group hangouts with other people because I always set strict boundaries. A knew about B and was okay with out friendship; he also knew about the rumors but was fine with everything.

 

A and my wedding never happened. In May and June of the following year (about 5-6 months after he proposed), I found myself getting stressed out as I realized that I had spent about USD $10,000 on A and various things for him (our rent when we lived together for a brief stint [no funny business, though, since those were our boundaries], our bills and groceries, bus fare, school fees, plane tickets, sending him money for rent when he was short, buying him $300 worth of clothes, etc.). I hadn't thought of it before because I thought it was 'my job' to support A while he was in school.

 

This realization began because I had asked A if he could save up $50 for a tuxedo rental for our wedding, since I had budgeted and projected when I would save up $7,000 for our wedding, and an additional $2,000 for our honeymoon (on a $10/hr part-time-job-with-full-time-hours job, haha). I was fine saving up for everything else, but since he was very particular about what type of tuxedo he wanted (he wanted a regular tux and then to change into a kilt) I figured he could help me handle some of it. He flat out said "no" and that he couldn't, despite him constantly telling me of what junk food he was going out and buying, etc.

 

I had also realized that our 'agreement' had been breached; it was understood that I was working and fine with working because he was almost finished with school and we had a plan on what he would do afterward to switch over so that he supports me through school. He was on the cusp of switching his major again for the 3rd time (thus having to start school again) and was skipping classes and finals.

 

Aaanyway, I ended it because I knew that if I was being taken advantage of financially then, it wouldn't continue very well into marriage.

 

During that time and decision-making, B was there to help me and listen to my concerns as an outside listener (I don't vent about relationship things to people, but I was under a lot of stress and losing 10lbs in two weeks, not eating, etc. [i'm already pretty slim so people were alarmed], so I think my usual privacy barrier broke.

 

B also confirmed that he had a crush on me but still didn't push me one way or the other. Sometimes, he would get slightly emotional and say that if he were my boyfriend, he wouldn't be making me lift a finger to pay for things unequally or sacrifice my dreams for him (very important). B knew that I consider myself a feminist/egalitarian so I don't like the idea of people sacrificing their dreams for each other or inequality in who pays for what, among other things.

 

I just brushed off those comments, but after ending things with A (after dating for 2.5 years and having known each other for nearly 5... it felt like severing a limb and still does over two years later), I did find myself more interested in B (might've been that those promises were refreshing to hear).

 

B had admitted to me that he lost self control, so he told me he loved me two days after I became single and we (I sound really bad here, but I was young and naive) began dating about 9 days later. We also kissed the first day I was single, which I think was stress-induced, but also enjoyable.

 

B and I had agreed that if we were to date this quickly that he would give me a chance to finish school before we talked about marriage at all. I had to start a new major, use my wedding savings to buy a car, and decide which school to go to and what to major in exactly. Without discussing it in depth, I did tell him, "If you have marriage on the mind, I don't want to hear about it for at least 2-3 years." He respected it and said that he promised he would give me everything I didn't have before. Since he was just about to start schooling, himself, I also figured it would be very nice to not have to worry about supporting another student.

 

All in all, it felt nice being free, supporting myself, and doing whatever I wanted (built a computer, bought some textbooks to get some computer certifications, bought some electronics and games I had always wanted, bought a car, etc., and saved money for myself!).

 

Nearly six months into our relationship, B proposed. He gave me a ring for Christmas. I think being my age at the time 21, I had felt kinda pressured to say 'yes,' even though I felt I loved him. I always have a crushing need to be realistic in thought, and so I'm sure for him it might've been an eternity as I stared at the ring and wondered whether I should say, "yes," "yes, eventually," or "no." I did say "yes," and I put the idea away of planning a wedding since he was just about to start school about two weeks after that (like, starting his full degree).

 

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Little by little, we did eventually put together wedding. Somehow, I was talked into thinking it'd be smart for us to get married sooner rather than later so that the 50 miles in between us wouldn't be as crushing (we visited each other every weekend) and so that we could give each other emotional support during the schoolyear. We got married the following June, during his Summer vacation.

 

I think because my husband comes from a well-off family, and because from what I had known of his past, he seemed like a very independent guy (lived on his own for several years, had finished his general education courses previously, had his own car, talked about a job he was very good at constantly), I assumed that we would somehow work out because I've grown up glued to my goals and always, always succeeding in them. It's something I'm known for and something I pride myself in. I was determined to finish school and get my bachelors degree and become a network administrator and/or a translator (two of my biggest interests are computers and languages).

 

I had become disappointed and shifted to the language thing when I realized that the town I'd be moving to (his university town) was out in the middle of nowhere (I hadn't realized it as much during my trips), far from anything interesting to do for two non-drinkers/non-partiers, and had NO networking or even computer courses in any school but a crappy technical college that people even in the school itself give terrible ratings. Undeterred, I resolved to still press on at a satellite campus for another university, even though it only offered associates degrees, and only Spanish classes (I already know Spanish) because I had gotten a new job that paid a lot more but had a very rigid and unusual work schedule, so the actual university was out of the question. Since we were going to be in that town for at least 4 years, I figured I'd try to make the most of it.

 

I also found myself more and more disturbed as his parents (nice people and I look up to them) basically would interrogate me repeatedly on how much debt I was carrying, what my plans were to pay it off, how much money I made per hour, per week, per month, per year, how much I got back on my tax refunds, etc. And then were disappointed that I switched from a major concerning computers (while still having plans to continue in certifications). I just felt it was out of line of them to question me on this, but I figured they were getting to know me.

 

I also learned that my husband (three years my senior) still shared a bank account and credit card with his mother, his parents bought him his car, his last job and only job that he spoke of so much was when he was a teenager, when he was living on his own, his parents insisted he not work and just sent him money every month. So it was a big shock to me. They all believed this was perfectly normal, and maybe it is. I grew up really poor, so everything I have, I've bought with my own money and my mom has never had money to give me. I began helping to support my family when I was 16 and continue to give my mom money even now at 23 when she needs it.

 

I still took it, 'cause I felt that it was right, and decided to still marry him, thinking I could still manage full-time work (45 hours a week) and full-time schooling in the mornings before work.

 

About six months after we got married, I started school. A month later, I became suicidal from the pressure and had to drop two classes. So I decided I could still keep up if I did Summer classes. I was only able to do one Summer class. And now I'm only taking one class this Fall because I don't want to tempt fate.

 

So this year has basically been a struggle between wondering just how much should I sacrifice for my husband? I feel like I've sacrificed to the point of eroding who I am (hence my clever username). I know that marriage basically requires sacrifice, but how much?

 

I just feel the biggest gulf between the lives my husband and I lead. My mom is pretty laissez-faire with how I live my life (we're more like roommates who really love each other than a subordinate type of thing); his parents are VERY, VERY concerned with how he lives his life. They always offer him advice and even give him $500 a month so he doesn't have to work, but I still do in their eyes. When we were dating, he had a six month break between finishing his gen. ed. classes at the local junior college and starting classes at the university he attends now. He decided he'd get a job to help his resume, and his parents were strictly against it (he was living with them up until we got married). They told him his primary responsibility was practicing his instrument, since he's a music major. They even told him, "This is your full-time job."

 

He listened. He always listens.

 

My husband said he feels as though I'm fabricating this gulf between us, and I believe I can at times, but it's hard to ignore. I try not to highlight differences between us, because I know that it's not healthy, but there are things like:

 

1.) His parents encourage him to stay in full-time school and not to work at all (he got a part-time job for a month and quit it because he felt it was too much pressure); however, it's okay for me to work. I have told him that it'd be wise for him to get at least Summer work for his resume, since he'll be 28 when he graduates and it'd look really bad that his last job was at 17, but he told me that his dad says it's okay and doesn't matter on resumes for there to be big gaps. It was hard for me not to yell "BS!" on that one.

 

2.) It's okay for him to be a music major (we all know that's not the most lucrative major) but they're hugely disappointed that I'm not pursuing a computer degree.

 

3.) My car continually breaks down, and he and his parents told me with a straight face that I shouldn't get a newer car because it's too much money per month, despite me being the one paying for it (the car I was looking at was in good condition and $6,000). They say this while they had just gotten him a new car and make his payments and pay for his insurance for him. I didn't end up getting the new car, and just make repairs on my older crappy one, despite me having to commute much, much farther to my school.

 

4.) I work until 2 AM most days, every holiday, every birthday, every hangout, and I live at least an hour away from any of our friends. This means I basically have no social life at 23. My friends already know to not bother inviting me to things because I work makes it so that I can never go. He says he doesn't care since he's not very social. Meanwhile, he frequently attends gettogethers with his classmates (went to a birthday party today) while I'm stuck at work and tells me these are important because they're "networking opportunities".

 

5.) When I was in more school and even now, his parents frequently will subtly tell me I should drop out and focus on working instead. They'll say things like how his mother supported his father through school (his mother already had her degree when she was married, and I'd be the first person in my immediate AND extended family to get a degree. This is huge).

 

6.) I had trouble affording school, so I was told by his parents I should drop out and save more money. He couldn't afford tuition for a semester and they all took out a student loan behind my back. When I questioned him about it, he said they figured it wasn't my problem since his parents are paying it off for him. !!!!@@#$#

 

Today, I found out (though I'm taking this with a grain of salt) that his dad had mentioned to his mother and sister that he doesn't know where the $800 he gives my husband every month goes and that I should be able to support us by now. I thought to myself, "What? He only gives us $500, and they have to pick a lane because I don't make enough to support us (especially with him leaving the AC, fans, and electronics on all the time) and they don't want him to get a job." I spoke to my husband who said he only gets $500 from his parents and doesn't know where this is coming from.

 

My husband, however, became very depressed (he also suffers from depression, anxiety, and ADHD and has been taking medicine for all of it for the last 15 years) and just kinda went to bed way early tonight. He didn't want to tell me anything but I'd assume he feels like a burden on his parents.

 

TL;DR version: ANYWAY, so that I'm not meandering, my main purpose in writing is that with me having to complete school at a snail's pace, be stuck at home all day, stuck in a job that stresses me out daily (I'm losing hair, my acne's getting worse, my nails are extremely brittle, anything will make me cry, I hate doing what I usually like doing, and I'm losing weight) because I can't get a better paying one without a degree (I've checked), and without a social life all in sacrifice for someone who has said he hates being in school (I love it, so hearing this hurts me), am I not being patient enough?

 

We've been married for a year and 3 months now, and he has 2.5 years before he graduates and our plan is to switch where I'm doing full-time school when he's done, but I don't even think he'll be employable right after school (or at least enough to support both of us), so I A.) don't know how long I can keep doing this (I've expressed suicidal thoughts that creep up on me. I will see someone about this. Already set an appointment) and B.) how much longer after graduation I'll be eroding myself to keep him happy and supported.

 

It gives me so much resentment. I'm even at the point where I'm questioning whether or not I love him anymore. We're probably intimate about once a week, if even, and it's generally rushed because he seems to only superficially care about my needs and I don't enjoy it very much anymore.

 

We spoke about staying married and me moving back in with my mom temporarily so that I can go to full-time school where I used to live (a lot more opportunities there) and visiting weekly so that we can get a chance to miss each other, but he said he'd still expect me to pay half the rent on our apartment, which would basically be my paycheck if I go to part-time work, so that doesn't leave me enough for gas money and such.

 

Every week lately, around Friday and Saturday, we've begun having crying fests as we try to discuss this and make changes. Nothing comes of it except that he cries and apologizes for coming into my life and says he wishes he was dead and that I can leave him if I want. Last week, I was particularly stressed out because I was having a very stressful and long day at work (I work from home) and I saw him sitting around and playing video games all day (which is a very common occurrence while I'm at work, and even right in our office, too. It's too much, especially because he cited 'not having enough time to practice [his] instrument' as the major reason in quitting his job), and I even caught myself tearfully telling him, "I don't think I want to be married anymore." He just walked away and went to cry somewhere and apologized for "ruining [my] life" and "breaking [me]". That's about as far as our discussions go.

 

I don't want people to pick sides, but I'm wondering, am I actually sacrificing too much, or is this normal? I don't know how other couples do it. Even today I'm sitting here and lukewarmly contemplating divorce just to give him some relief from me, then chastising myself for not being more patient.

 

I just don't know who I am anymore. I'm not the overly mature planner and lifelong learner I used to be. I never want to leave the house anymore and then I chastise myself for being lazy and repeat the cycle. This new suicidal thoughts thing really gets me, too, since I was such a positive person until we got engaged. People looked up to me a lot and admired how I was. I feel like I've lost that all, and that was who I really am. It feels like I've died already, to put it dramatically.

Edited September 14, 2013 by Eroded
Wording mishaps.

[winterpast]

The biggest problem I see in your situation is that his parents are way too involved in your marriage. He is letting them make every decision for him as if he is still a child! If he cannot live without their help then you will not have a marriage left to work on.

 

Marriage is about joining together and relying on each other. You WILL make mistakes of all kinds but you have to learn to be able to problem solve together! It's impossible to build that if you have your or his parents telling you how to live!

 

I don't know if I'm allowed to link articles but if you search for "leaving parents and cleaving to your wife" you will find useful information on why overbearing parents can be hazardous to you marriage. And the info goes for both spouses not just the husband!