I really hate being married every single day

[Daisy7]

For those who haven't read my previous posts, i knew my husband 8 years before getting married. We are both 26 I love him, but it has become such a struggle, we fight non stop. I like the house extra clean he is messy, but thats not even it its not even a big deal. The thing is he gets very aggressive sometimes when he gets mad. The more i am with him the more i want to walk out the door and never look bad. I am sincerely miserable, depressed, cry all the time. I am so sad. He is truly a difficult individual. He screams all the time when he gets mad, i try to tell him calm down lets talk about it he blows up. Last argument we had was because he started drinking because of his stress at work and i got upset, i told him to not lean towards alcohol since it becomes more destructive than it is helpful. To not make the story so long it became and argument things were thrown, plates were broken.

 

It is hard! I am currently working and attending school to advance my career, i can not study my mind is constantly on the stresses. I already said on the previous post how i deeply do not want to have children with him.

I want to get a divorce every single day and then i stop and think of our wedding and all those people the went to it and how badly they will talk about us and am just so overwhelmed and just thinking about our parents or others in general.

 

Guys, i am so unhappy. I just want to be alone, i truly do not want to be in a relationship with anyone even if farther down we decide on divorce honestly i do not want to carry this burden again. I am the happiest when i am alone. I have never ever cheated on him nor will i, i respect my marriage, yet he constantly tries to dig through my things when i only have one friend that i talk to that works with him whom is a woman and is married herself. I have no friends only my parents and i just really feel so upset.

 

everyday i just wish for the next day to come and the next. I truly hate been married to my husband he is extremely immature and although his mother is okay with his immaturity and laughs it off it is taking a toll on me, i told her one thing is seeing it as your son another is experiencing being actually married to him and suffering. she just told me be patient and deal with it.

[darkmoon]

"The thing is he gets very aggressive sometimes when he gets mad"

 

you say you hate being married, so divorce

 

his mother is not helping, so stop seeing her as your mentor

 

I bet he is not aggressive at work, he is all well under control there, polite etc., or he would get the sack

Edited September 14, 2013 by darkmoon

[M30USA]

OP, his parents clearly have no concern for you or your perspective. I can speak from experience on this. Even when it came down to my ex locking me out of my own house (while she was angry), destroying my property, and eventually assaulting me, her parents continued to say that "it takes two" in a marriage and that I was equally at fault. No matter what she did, well, I surely must have been part of the problem, right? Her parents' intrusiveness and clear bias towards her was a huge reason for our divorce.

 

I, like you, am much happier alone now that I'm divorced. Does this mean I won't remarry? I'm not sure yet. But what I knew for sure was that I literally could not continue in that insanity.

[winterpast]

"I want to get a divorce every single day and then i stop and think of our wedding and all those people the went to it and how badly they will talk about us and am just so overwhelmed and just thinking about our parents or others in general."

 

Stop worrying about what everyone else might think! They are not the ones going through what you are going through! People will talk, they probably already talk about you, people are asshats like that. Do what makes YOU happy!

[Daisy7]

Darkmoon,

 

his mother is something else, i realized she knows how he is but will never admit it since it is after all his mother so thank you, i will never try to talk to her about my husband as it is pointless. Besides she is driving me insane she is anything but helpful.

 

M30USA,

 

I can relate so much with you, we have had a lot of things in the house broken because of the arguments and i am mentally weak i just really dont care anymore i feel numb. i don't know why but i am the happiest person when alone. I am not in to partying or anything, i am just happy been alone, whether i am reading a book, or even taking a walk by the beach i can feel happiness and joy out of the simple things. But when i come back to earth am just overwhelmed and depressed all over again.He really is difficult, we argue very much and am so tired am at the point that i just dont say anything back i rather just sit down and say, okay, yes you are right okay, im sorry and hope for it to end soon.

 

Winterpast,

 

Thank you so much for your words, it means so much, i worry so much about what others have to say and your right at the end of the day I'm the one dealing with it not them and my happiness should come first and is not affecting anyone and thankfully i dont even have children with him as i mentioned in the previous post i refuse to so i have no children which should make the decision easier. I realized my family or what not will eventually move on and forget about it, its not like i would be the first or last to get a divorce i just dont want to seem like a disappointment for not lasting not even 3 years married. But my spirits are down, am sad, depressed he notices sometimes and tells me that he is scared for me to leave him because he really loves me and he adores me but i truly dont feel like fighting anymore am so tired of the fighting almost everyday

 

Plus his mother keeps emailing me nonesense about been depressed and wanting to end it all because my husband does not call her (she does this a lot so my husband and his family kinda are used to it)

i tell him to call her and he just doesn't he says later so i mean she brings me down even more as i am worried regardless. She needs professional help but i dont know how to bring it up without sounding rude or mean, am so upset.

[winterpast]

1.) His aggression and coping skills (i.e. alcohol use) are not healthy. period. He needs to go to therapy for himself if he ever wants a chance to have a healthy relationship with anyone in his life. Unfortunately, he will have to want this for himself and if he is unwilling then there is nothing you can do to change him. All you can do is change the way YOU react to people and/or situations. If someone is toxic in your life then you have to protect yourself and no longer allow that person in your life.

 

2.) His mother laughs it off because that is where he learned it from. She emails you about being depressed because he won't call her? Her dramatics about being sad and depressed is her way of getting what she wants, a grown woman's tantrum! Don't get in the middle of it, if she wants him to call her then she can tell him that herself, hell, the phone works both ways!

 

You have to show these people how you want to be treated and the first step is to put your foot down and say enough is enough. If he wants to be with you then he will have to grow the f*** up.

[winterpast]

She needs professional help but i dont know how to bring it up without sounding rude or mean, am so upset.

 

Don't even try telling her this, it's not what she wants to hear. She wants attention. If she gets bad enough to really cause concern (i.e. calls you hysterically) then call the police and ask them to do a wellness check at her house.

[M30USA]

.) His mother laughs it off because that is where he learned it from. She emails you about being depressed because he won't call her? Her dramatics about being sad and depressed is her way of getting what she wants, a grown woman's tantrum! Don't get in the middle of it, if she wants him to call her then she can tell him that herself, hell, the phone works both ways!.

 

Bingo.

 

The LAST person to expect understanding from is your spouse's parent. Your spouse is the way he/she is because of his/her parents. They will not only dismiss your views, they will go so far as to encourage it. For example, my ex wife's bullying and violent ways, I'm sure, were learned from her mother (and enabled by her father). They actually view these narcissistic tendencies as being beneficial in business. They are all successful in business. I've seen how they've gotten that way. They intimidate people, engage in shady business, and try to ALWAYS get the advantage in ANY situation in life. It's so extreme that it's pathological.

[Daisy7]

he is quite aggressive even at times when he talks is very dominant and just rude, i hate been married but i feel like i cant get out, once he told me he wont ever allow me to get a divorce with him that divorce is not an option and ofcourse that led to another argument i feel so stuck and am grateful to not have kids through this to suffer.

you guys are right about his family they are a lost cause i mean there is no help there what so ever, i honestly feel lost. i havent spoken to my family about it because my family is the complete opposite from his. They are understanding very loving and not dominant at all. I just really dont want to stress them with my burden. They dont see anything that is going on because i just play it off and try to move on dragging this day by day. I saw him today and i just really don't want to be in this marriage i realized after so many years he is simply not the "one" and it breaks my heart because i feel he killed the little bit of love i had left. Sometimes i dream of just been by myself not with anyone else just by myself in my own place and just happy with life. After this if i do ever manage to get a divorce then i doubt i will ever get into another relationship in fact i dont want another relationship i just want to have peace is that too much?

 

i know he wont give me the divorce i want which is another factor why i am just dragging along with this very miserable marriage.

[winterpast]

HE CANNOT FORCE YOU TO STAY MARRIED TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Seriously, you don't need his permission and he can't stop you. Even if he will not sign or cooperate, you can get a divorce.

[smoky eyes]

My reply to you in you other "I hate my life, boo-hoo" thread. It's still the same. I'm guessing you'll get the same advice no matter how many times you post the same thing. What's your deal? Just leave him.

 

Nervis, you post the same thing everywhere. We're all sorry you had to live through that, but not everyone's situation is the same and it doesn't really sound like Daisy's husband deserves much sympathy from us. She needs to worry about herself at the moment, and it sounds like she needs out for her sake, not his.

[Got it]

Fair enough. We all agree that she needs to get out though. I just thought that people might want to hear from the other side. There's a human being on that other side, with his own life and his own story. I just thought Daisy might want to hear it. And my life might not be EXACTLY like the millions of others that have endured a walk-away-wife, but it's close. I keep thinking it may be time to start talking about it. Silly me.

 

If my wife came on here, she could EASILY have made me sound like Daisy's husband. It would not have been 100% accurate, but close enough. And I did deserve sympathy. I am a human being that had faults. If my wife had tried to help me, she could have. She could have saved me, her marriage, and her kids. Instead, she walked away, leaving me as a broken man. She fixed me, but it was too late. She was gone, and I was too old to start over. And three kids are living in a broken home because of it.

 

We are still not teaching our children how to behave in marriages. We are not teaching them what to expect. If we did, maybe we'd get a lot less "my husband doesn't love me", or "my wife won't have sex with me", or "I'm falling out of love with my husband".

 

Sorry I'm boring everyone. I post the same thing. Maybe it's because after 4 years on these forums, I keep seeing the same thing. Hopefully we'll all start talking about it some day.

 

So you were a jerk for years and years but you are mad at your wife for suddenly not falling on her knees and happy that you now suddenly realized how not to be a jerk? Maybe you waited too long and you snooze you lose?

 

Why was it her job to help create the nicer you? Maybe the problem is you are completely passive and are putting the responsibility on her to make you a better person, to save the marriage. Maybe you should have done that decades earlier and not taken for granted the woman and the marriage that you had. That might just be your regret in your life that you will have to live with.

 

 

 

 

To the OP - listen you are young, no kids, and miserable. Set you both free and get out. Who cares who is right or wrong because it really doesn't matter, you don't like who he is, you have tried to make it work and are miserable, so walk. Maybe he will be a better person with someone else, maybe not, but if you feel he deserves to be loved by someone as well, maybe he can find someone that likes his personality the way it is.

 

It is a square peg, wrong hole. It doesn't matter to prove that someone is right or wrong, you just need to know what is right for you.

 

I was traveling for work and I realized that I was happier sitting in a hotel room alone than being at home with him. That I felt more alone sitting on the couch near him than any other time. And I was just done. I had no more energy to keep trying and felt like I was drowning. (There were other epiphany moments but that was the last one before I divorced.)

 

And definitely don't stay because of guests at your wedding. Stay because you feel that there is something to keep working on, that there is even a microscopic glimmer of hope that you want to work on things.

[Daisy7]

 

To the OP - listen you are young, no kids, and miserable. Set you both free and get out. Who cares who is right or wrong because it really doesn't matter, you don't like who he is, you have tried to make it work and are miserable, so walk. Maybe he will be a better person with someone else, maybe not, but if you feel he deserves to be loved by someone as well, maybe he can find someone that likes his personality the way it is.

 

It is a square peg, wrong hole. It doesn't matter to prove that someone is right or wrong, you just need to know what is right for you.

 

I was traveling for work and I realized that I was happier sitting in a hotel room alone than being at home with him. That I felt more alone sitting on the couch near him than any other time. And I was just done. I had no more energy to keep trying and felt like I was drowning. (There were other epiphany moments but that was the last one before I divorced.)

 

And definitely don't stay because of guests at your wedding. Stay because you feel that there is something to keep working on, that there is even a microscopic glimmer of hope that you want to work on things.

 

I thank you so much for your words they truly sank in. I keep trying every day to work things out but he is just very passive aggressive its hard to even have a conversation with him. When i try to tell him for instance anything such as: "i am thinking about taking one less class in school to help me stay focus on the subject am struggling on, what do you think can you give me some advice" his response is word by word no exaggerations: "Don't tell me anything just do what your going to do and thats it im tired of your indecisiveness." mind you this is the first time bringing it up, i just thought he could give me some advice on the subject but he is just so quick to get angry no patience.

 

so yea, it is HARD to talk to him, so much patience yet none in return.

 

NervisPervis:

 

I am sorry about what you went through i am sure it is not easy. But you have to also understand there is up to so much one human being can take regardless of who's side of the story it is. What i am saying is how i feel and how much i am struggling because i am TRYING so much and have been for 8 YEARS already and he NEVER changed. What else shall i do when he does not realize how MUCH i am trying.

[pteromom]

I thank you so much for your words they truly sank in. I keep trying every day to work things out but he is just very passive aggressive its hard to even have a conversation with him. When i try to tell him for instance anything such as: "i am thinking about taking one less class in school to help me stay focus on the subject am struggling on, what do you think can you give me some advice" his response is word by word no exaggerations: "Don't tell me anything just do what your going to do and thats it im tired of your indecisiveness." mind you this is the first time bringing it up, i just thought he could give me some advice on the subject but he is just so quick to get angry no patience.

 

so yea, it is HARD to talk to him, so much patience yet none in return.

 

OK - so the first step is to realize who he is, and let go of expectations of patience or logic or being rational. You KNOW he isn't going to offer constructive advice, so quit asking him for it. Just make the decision and do what you feel is right for you.

 

So, step 1: Let go of your expectations of him.

 

Step 2: Let go of your emotional reaction to his actions. If he's cutting, rude, and mean to you, you have to realize that what he is saying has NOTHING to do with you. He can call you a stupid b----, but does that make it true? Of course not. Your opinion of yourself is just as valid as his opinion of you. He only controls you if you allow him to, and if you can get to that head space where his anger no longer affects you emotionally, you will feel a lot better.

 

Practice saying things like "Oh, I see." "I hadn't thought of it that way." "Interesting." "Thanks for your perspective." "Mmmm-hmmm." Responses that let him know he was heard, but that do not lead to escalation of the argument.

 

Step 3: Start doing things that make you happy. You are miserable and sad, so what can you do to help with that? Your husband doesn't control your life, and there is more to life than a romantic relationship. Go out with friends. Get a hobby. Do what brings you happiness. Stand up for yourself.

 

Step 4: See how your husband changes when you change the patterns in your marriage. When you no longer fight back or react. When you are filling the rest of yourself up with things that make you happy.

 

One of two things will happen: The changes in you will inspire changes in him, and you may finally see something worth working on. OR - he will push harder and get worse, in which case, you can leave knowing you have done what you can on your side to change things.

[Daisy7]

OK - so the first step is to realize who he is, and let go of expectations of patience or logic or being rational. You KNOW he isn't going to offer constructive advice, so quit asking him for it. Just make the decision and do what you feel is right for you.

 

So, step 1: Let go of your expectations of him.

 

Step 2: Let go of your emotional reaction to his actions. If he's cutting, rude, and mean to you, you have to realize that what he is saying has NOTHING to do with you. He can call you a stupid b----, but does that make it true? Of course not. Your opinion of yourself is just as valid as his opinion of you. He only controls you if you allow him to, and if you can get to that head space where his anger no longer affects you emotionally, you will feel a lot better.

 

Practice saying things like "Oh, I see." "I hadn't thought of it that way." "Interesting." "Thanks for your perspective." "Mmmm-hmmm." Responses that let him know he was heard, but that do not lead to escalation of the argument.

 

Step 3: Start doing things that make you happy. You are miserable and sad, so what can you do to help with that? Your husband doesn't control your life, and there is more to life than a romantic relationship. Go out with friends. Get a hobby. Do what brings you happiness. Stand up for yourself.

 

Step 4: See how your husband changes when you change the patterns in your marriage. When you no longer fight back or react. When you are filling the rest of yourself up with things that make you happy.

 

One of two things will happen: The changes in you will inspire changes in him, and you may finally see something worth working on. OR - he will push harder and get worse, in which case, you can leave knowing you have done what you can on your side to change things.

 

Excellent advice thank you so much. I will try these things you mentioned all the way! I want to keep trying but if i see that there is nothing else i can do then my answer will be clear and i know in my heart i did everything i could. You are absolutely right. I can pick up things that make me genuinely happy regardless of what happens in my marriage this will keep my head up. and about what you said in how to answer him you are right i will keep things minimal and see his reaction. I want to at least try everything i can. thank you!

 

NervisPervis:

 

no one is arguing, and i agree with you to some extent, you can try to help him as much as you want he does not want to be helped his family is even worse as you can see in my other posts his parents fight ALL the time and i mean FIGHT throwing stuff around breaking stuff his dad broke his mother's laptop one time just to give you an idea. its a tough situation and i don't want to waste his time for happiness nor mine and i find that truly fair.

 

however i am trying very hard believe me i am trying so hard to hold on. My situation am sure differs from yours as you keep comparing it and it is okay but it is different am sure your wife had her reasons as you had yours there is no right answer or who is right. I just want to see my options to see if there is saving one last time before a final drastic decision is made and that is why i am here. You may have gone through some things i haven't this is my first time going through them that is why i seek advice otherwise i wouldn't be here. i agree with you i will always explain to him what is going on never will i keep him in the dark about what is going on.

Edited September 17, 2013 by Daisy7

[pteromom]

and about what you said in how to answer him you are right i will keep things minimal and see his reaction.

 

There are some great resources online about setting and enforcing boundaries in a relationship. Many of these have to do with BPD, but the resources are helpful whether or not your husband has BPD characteristics.

[Jim305]

You sound so sad. I would divorce him. Make some new friends. Don't stay with him just because you're worried about what people who saw you marry him think. Let yourself out of this dungeon so you can breath some fresh air and see the sun.