Dealing with the emotional pain

[photogirl2006]

A month ago I confirmed my husband slept with his ex-girlfriend...a woman who cheated on him when they were dating and who I picked the pieces up from 14 years ago. He had been texting her off and on for four years and he says he started "seeing" her or visiting with her about 10 months ago. He had sex "once" he claims seven months ago, but told me none of this. I discovered several thousand dollars in gifts sent to her through Amazon in July and then searched his ipad and found a confession he wrote to the woman's step sister that he had slept with her. He was never going to tell me. He is a compulsive liar.On D-Day he totally denied it all and flipped out until he knew I had his iPad (which I ran over, btw).

 

He was planning a trip to see her because she's moved out of state (other side of the country really) but lied about that. He has continued lies off and on since then but has asked to go to counseling (something he has never agreed to do for himself personally even) for us and for himself. We are doing that but I can't shake my hurt and pain and the feeling this relationship with the ex was a "**** you" to me. I

 

had asked him repeatedly to stop talking to her. he ignored me and never respected me. He put Taylor Swift's Trouble on as her ring tone like he was flaunting it in my face. I knew things were going on longer than I let on because I really, truly did not believe he would sleep with her. She is a very trashy person who sleeps around, treats her family horrible and is just horrible overall (I really do not mean this only because of what happened..people who know her have told me this without even knowing what is going on).

 

About a year ago my husband's grandfather died. He was very close to him as he was his father figure. I sat with grandpa along with my sister in law while he was dying and my husband often avoided going there because it was too hard to watch him die from cancer. Panic attacks I had had for a long time but that had got better came back after then. Apparently these attacks upset my husband as he informed me after I discovered the affair that he could talk to her about his problems without worrying I'd have a panic attack..like somehow this was all my fault.

 

My husband was gone for a month and I let him come home during an emotional time where I felt like I wanted to cling to him.

 

He told me he had slept with her one time, but after that time they still texted and talked almost every day (I have cell records) right up tot he day I discovered it all. I seriously can not believe she would still text and talk to him and they would not have sex, except he was buying her gifts and she knew he had money from his grandfather's estate.

 

As you can tell, I am all over the place.

 

My husband has cut off communication with her (we blocked her cell phone numbers together so I have seen it) and has given me access to his phone, his email, his new iPad. :-) and tells me if she tries to make contact. FOr a man who never talks about his emotions it has been hard for him to go to counseling sessions but he has now told his story to three counselors and a pastor. HOwever, this week I had to drag from him he was really going to see her and spend four days with her instead of some other sob story he gave me about wanting to learn toget over his fear of flying so he could take me and my son places for vacations. He claims this is the last "lie" he is with holding but I absolutely can NOT trust him. He is trying so hard this week and keeps saying how sorry he is and reminding me he is here and not with her...he wants to make this work and he feels ashamed about it all.

 

Still....I keep going back to why her...why this ex girlfriend who was so horrible to him in the past...he used to tell me "I would never cheat on you because it was done to me and it was horrible." Now...here I am ...going to two counselors, three if you count the one for our six year old, innocent son, crying almost everyday and wondering why I wasn't good enough. SOme days I can barely function. I try to recognize all he is doing and all he is trying to do (he won't wear his wedding ring until he earns the right to wear it again, he says) but all I can feel is excruciating pain. I just want it to stop.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

As you can tell, I am all over the place.

 

My husband has cut off communication with her (we blocked her cell phone numbers together so I have seen it) and has given me access to his phone, his email, his new iPad. :-) and tells me if she tries to make contact.

 

HOwever, this week I had to drag from him he was really going to see her and spend four days with her instead of some other sob story he gave me about wanting to learn toget over his fear of flying so he could take me and my son places for vacations. He claims this is the last "lie" he is with holding but I absolutely can NOT trust him.

 

He is trying so hard this week and keeps saying how sorry he is and reminding me he is here and not with her...he wants to make this work and he feels ashamed about it all.

 

Still....I keep going back to why her...

 

(he won't wear his wedding ring until he earns the right to wear it again, he says) but all I can feel is excruciating pain. I just want it to stop.

 

I'm sorry about your husband. Are you able to leave him, or will is it too tough financially, or is there some other reason? It comes through in your post that you are desperate to hold onto this marriage. Your husband knows or senses this as well, and he is taking advantage of it to push your limits.

 

You are in denial. He has proven himself a liar. Cheaters are infamous for lying. As it stands now, he has to prove himself truthful before you should start believing him. So, start out with the assumption that everything he says is a lie UNLESS it is supported by verifiable evidence or it makes sense.

 

You have zero evidence that he cut off communication with her. Unless he is really stupid, he will not communicate with her via a source that he knows you are monitoring. There are hundreds of ways to communicate without being caught, without you knowing - secret phones, secret accounts, secret apps. If you want to know whether he really has cut off communication, you will have to keylog the computer and phone, put a voice-activated recorder in the car, without him knowing, then you will be able to see if he is contacting her. Even then, he could contact her only at work or somewhere you are not monitoring, but if he doesn't suspect you of monitoring, chances are he won't go to those lengths and you will find out from the keylogger or the voice-activated recorder.

 

Why does he even need an iPad or a mobile phone? You can survive without them, you know. If he was truly sorry, he would give them up until he could re-establish his trustworthiness. As far as email, he could share yours. Good job on destroying the iPad, but now he just has a nicer, newer one, so in the end, he was rewarded for it.

 

You say he is trying so hard, but I don't see it. Talk is cheap. He keeps reminding you. He is not with her - he hardly was with her before, he only went to visit her periodically. So he doesn't seem all that different, except he's blowing his own horn. Talk is cheap. You seem too happy that "this week" he is seems to be trying hard - or at least putting on a good front for someone who is desperate to believe it. I'm sorry, but look at it objectively.

 

Not wearing the wedding ring - what kind of punishment is this that he is inflicting on himself? Not much to me, most cheaters would like to get rid of their rings, saying they have to "earn it back" is right up their alley.

 

Do some spying that he doesn't know about. Check the browser history on the phone, iPad, laptop, computer. See where he is going. See if it has been deleted. Put the keyloggers on if you can. Get the voice-activated recorder in place. Then you will know the truth. Either you will find out he really has decided to try with you, or you will save yourself a lot of time and heartache of being deceived again.