I feel like I cleared the last major hurdle

[RonaldS]

Feeling good. We finalized a little over a week ago...the end of a three year separation that was amusement park-esque in all the rides and ups-and-downs. What a crazy, crazy journey. It was an emotional day when we finalized, as my XW pulled a move on me after we left the court where she made a big push for us to fix our relationship, to be friends, to get counseling together, all kinds of stuff. We had not really been speaking for months, so it was very out of the blue.

 

It actually upset me, but after taking a few days to reflect on it, I realized I don't have any interest in being her friend, and more specifically, continuing to put effort into maintaining a relationship with her. I began to see her maneuver for what it was....her last ditch attempt to keep some sort of grip on me. Nothing else makes sense. She's never made such an overt overture toward me as that, but I can see now how, over the last 10 months, I have reduced our relationship to the bare minimum of kid raising partnership. I'm no longer supporting and validating her. I'm no longer breaking my back to take care of her or be there for her or be her buddy. I've just moved on, and the past has been left in the past. So, I can see now that she is doing what she can do to hold on to me in some way. Counseling? That's a pretty intense commitment to working on our problems.

 

Well, I wrote her a letter that, in maybe a few more and more carefully chosen words, said 'Thanks but no thanks. Take care'. Obviously, there was much more to it than that, but that was the thesis. I sent it to her, and judging by the fact that nobody has answered the phone in the last 2 days when I call to talk to the kids, she must have received it.

 

I guess I just don't care anymore. She is the past. Our problems are the past. She told me she wanted us to work through all of our issues and be friends. Well, as far as I'm concerned, when they judge ruled the marriage over and swung his gavel, our issues were resolved. I move forward, not backward. I don't live in the past. Sending that letter and saying as much....a HUGE weight came off me. She's free to live her life and pursue the relationship she's in and find happiness. I'm not going to get in the way of that. I have my own life, and everyday, as I chip through the barriers that are in front of me, I am more and more excited. I would like her to put her efforts and energy into doing the same for herself.

 

And now, here I am. I feel good. I feel like that first day that you really feel good after you've been really sick...when you get out of bed and your body doesn't ache. When your appetite comes back and you grab a big meal and house it. When you go to the gym and and first you're a little wobbly but once your blood starts flowing, all that juice starts coming back.

 

I'm the new and improved version of the man my XW met more than 14 years ago. That is the best feeling. I can feel it in how I walk and talk. It must show in my eyes, too. I don't know what's going on, but I must be wearing a neon sign saying I'm bad as hell or something, because I'm literally meeting women every day. Somewhere, somehow, I'll meet some woman, start chit-chatting, and I'll just say, 'OK, I've got to go, but we should grab a drink sometime', and every time, they're like 'OK, sounds great!'. Of course, I'm sort of a d*ck because I never end up calling them. But knowing that I can get them is just as good as getting them. And then there are other gels around that I hang out with and have fun. It's a big city....lots of babes, lots of stuff to do.

 

But the bottom line in the above is that I am living for 4 people. My three kids, and me. I'm not trying to compensate for things not working out by finding somebody else to try again with. I don't have any desire to be in a relationship. Just having a good time. It's nice. It's relaxing and it's loose. I'm back to the guy my XW met 14 years ago.

 

To those of you who are just starting, or mired in the middle, or ending it....just keep moving forward. If you get hung up on working it out (as I did for awhile), just remember that once you go past a certain point, there's probably no working it out. You can do it, though. You can forge ahead on your own. The world is not a bad place, and there's no reason to be afraid to go into it alone. There will be hurdles, pitfalls, blockades along the way, but you will get over, out of and around them. Stay strong. And when you clear that last one, WOW!!! What a tremendous feeling.

 

Believe in yourselves. Find the you that your SO fell in live with. He or she is still there. Find it, and move forward. Good luck!

[Moniq]

First off id like to say that I love the way you write. Second I am so glad that you are moving forward. That phrase should be emphasized a lot...KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

 

I hope to one day look back at this and kick myself in the butt for being so sad. I have my good days and bad.

 

Keep it up!! And thanks for posting a great message.

[RonaldS]

First off id like to say that I love the way you write. Second I am so glad that you are moving forward. That phrase should be emphasized a lot...KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

 

I hope to one day look back at this and kick myself in the butt for being so sad. I have my good days and bad.

 

Keep it up!! And thanks for posting a great message.

 

Thanks for the compliment! Although, to be honest, I don't consider my posting to be real writing...more like babbling. I do most of it on my phone, so getting any sort of actual literary quality is pretty impossible. When I write write, that's a whole different thing. But I do appreciate that you enjoy it.

 

I've been following your story. You seem to be very early on in the process. Give it time, and by give it time, I mean give it a lot more time than you think it will or want it to take. It's a LOOONG process. The pain and the sadness...these are not things you should avoid, nor are they things you should regret feeling. It's all part of the cleanse.

 

Case in point: I used to be SO angry at my wife. It was unreal. But rather than bottle it up, or worse, take it out on her, I used to have 'fights' with her while I was alone driving. Just say everything I wanted to say, and get pissed and call her names and tell her off and put her in check and rake her over the coals for every thing she ever did or didn't do. Was that psychotic? Probably. But I got it all out. Now, that anger is largely gone. I am sometimes still disappointed and frustrated by the choices she made, but its over. Now I just don't really care. I'm past it. I hope she has a great life. The point here is that I let myself go through the process. I let those feelings come out and I expressed them and now I've moved on.

 

You'll get there. It's a loss; a death, really. It's the death of a life you went all in on. You will be sad and mourn and realistically, some of that pain will never completely go away. But if you go ahead and let yourself feel all that there is to feel and don't bury it or hide from it, if you take ownership of your feelings, then your cleansing and healing will be authentic.

 

Keep going forward. Sometimes it will be one step forward, three steps back, but eventually, inevitably, it will be many many more steps forward than backward.

[Moniq]

Thanks for following me lol.....

 

You said you sometimes feel disappointed or frustrated about the choices she made..... ME TOO. Extremely disappointed. No one expected this from us nor him. Even his family is disappointed and are asking me if he went nuts.

 

I also scream out the window at my imaginary Ex. But a lot of the time I want to scream and cry, my kids are in the back seat. I have to hold myself from screaming so I just put the radio really loud and sing. I cry for my kids because its not just about me, but them. I have noticed tho that when I cry its not as intense and its over rather quickly. Oh and I forgot.... the other day....Not one tear. I was so busy that I guess I just forgot. Wow that was a great feeling. I remember laying in bed thinking , hey, I didn't cry today. Yippy

 

Keep posting your progress and like Disney said and now you

 

KEEP MOVING FORWRD......

[RonaldS]

To be clear, for as much as I've gotten upset by her decisions, I've been and sort if still am, more upset for my decisions. But, when its all said and done, it worked out the way it was going to work out.

 

So, yeah....baby steps. And enjoy those little milestones, like the first day of not crying. Because there will be many more days where you do cry...at least for a while.

[RonaldS]

I have days like today.

 

I could not get ahold of my kids Friday night or last night (I talk to them every night before they go to bed). I texted my XW, no response Friday, and then no response last night. Finally, tonight I get ahold of them. My 7 year old daughter informs me that they couldn't talk because they were at my Xw's boyfriend's house.

 

This is great. I mean, whatever...she's been seeing this guy for a year, but lately she's been having him around the kids. Do you think she would tell me about this? No way. She insists she's not in any kind of a relationship. But I obviously know she is. But I don't care. It doesn't mean anything to me.

 

However, now it's interfering in my ability to maintain a relationship with my kids. That pisses me off, but I can't even say anything about it. Furthermore, I makes me realize that some other guy is going to be able to have a relationship with my kids that I can't, because she moved them 250 miles away. This completely, completely sucks.

Edited September 16, 2013 by RonaldS