Can some people cheat and never do it again?

[Miracle90]

Hi, I'm trying to help out my friend who cheated on her man and he left her. I know it wasn't easy for him as he was very hurt from her cheating but I'm thinking that maybe with time there might be a small possibility on both of them getting back together.

 

I believe she truly is remorseful and wouldn't ever cheat again if they got back together. I don't think once a cheater always a cheat is true in all cases.

[KatZee]

That statement isn't true for all people and that's good for your friend that she may never cheat again, but honestly their relationship is done. It's broken, and it's never going to go back to what it was.

 

Also, women are more likely to take back their cheaters, men not so much. The woman is now tainted and no guy wants to be with a woman and have constant flashes of her screwing someone else behind his back. It's a territorial ego thing.

 

The trust is also gone with them, and the only situation in which I'd say they should get back together is if they were married and/or had kids.

 

I stayed with my cheater and it was the worst mistake of my life. It was a waste of time, brought on way too much pain for myself. Totally not even worth it. I get that you think your friend is great and all, but this sh*ts a deal breaker.

 

Her ex deserves way better.

[road]

Possible with a lot of work on themselves.

[Misfortune]

I think everyone has the capability to never make the same mistake again. The question is: are you willing to make yourself the subject of their "reformed" self? Would you risk your heart/life with a self proclaimed changed cheater/criminal?

[Lovely_Lu]

Every relationship is different. There are some couples that go on to work it out and are stronger than ever before. There are people worth giving a second chance and those who are not.

 

There is no biological rule that kicks in that once you cheat you always have to cheat again. That is absurd. People can make mistakes and those mistakes do not define them unless they let them.

 

I think the following are important things to look for when a couple is dealing with the decision to work through infidelity:

 

1. The person who cheated was 100% honest because they wanted to be and not because they were caught/someone threatened to tell. They offered up all the details either when asked or from the get go. (I am a strong believer that what you don't know can in fact hurt you in one way or another)

 

2. They are truly remorseful. If they truly believe it was a mistake to commit the act, not just because of the consequences, but because of what the act represents then there may be hope for them yet.

 

3. They examine why they did it. While alcohol lowers barriers and certainly clouds judgement, mistakes often happen as a result of missing several opportunities to pull the ripcord on a situation.

 

4. I think it is also important to add that it only happened once to this list. Now I left this one for last because I don't think someone who has committed the offense more than once in one relationship means they will go on to do it in another relationship, HOWEVER as far as the relationship it happened during, there is only so much you can ask one person to forgive. Multiple mistakes, in a relationship where there has been an affair, and not just a one night stand, it would take a very strong human being to forgive that and a very selfish person to ask for it. That being said to the couple that comes through it and manages to have a happy life together...well that is someone's unconditional love.

 

The last point I mention it can even happen multiple times and still result in a trustworthy person is because I know a couple that were the product of an affair. They left their respective partners and have been happily married for 15 years and would never cheat on each other. There just wasn't a hope or a prayer of saving the marriages they each destroyed. Good people can do bad things. Nobody is perfect.

[carhill]

Can some people cheat and never do it again?

 

Absolutely and, IME, I personally enjoy the sufficient motivation provided by the financial hit it took and the insufficient time left in life to recover from any future iterations. Each person's motivation is different. I'll leave it to the more successful guys. Good luck.

[Ninjainpajamas]

No, not just like that...with a snap of a finger and an undying promise that you'd rather go to hell than be without them! that's just emotion and desperation.

 

Without any significant self-work...why that person cheated or what triggers that and how they deal, cope and think, etc...they are very very likely to fall right back into the same trap.

 

But hey, some people believe in miracles of magic the word of a "promise", that's up to you...but I wouldn't buy it IMO and that's speaking from some relevant experience in that realm.

[Space Ritual]

I believe she truly is remorseful and wouldn't ever cheat again if they got back together. I don't think once a cheater always a cheat is true in all cases.

 

Here we go again....lol

 

So please let us know in detail what actions she has taken to demonstrate remorse?

 

I of course am in a vast minority here on Loveshack who believe a cheater won't repeat the behavior given the opportunity. The amount of work a person has to do in this area to rehabilitate themselves is more often than not far too great and although there are some success stories, the odds would suggest that cheaters lack the intestinal fortitude to think about anyone other than themselves.

 

So Original Poster, I invite you to prove me wrong...being that her man has left her she will have a huge mountain to overcome. So please present the evidence of rehabilitation and I will stand corrected.

[EdG]

I cheated on my ex girlfriend. I can honestly say that I would have never cheated on her again, and will never again cheat in the future. I felt ashamed, guilty, and very remorseful. It's possible they could get back together, however I did with my ex and ultimately we broke up 2 weeks ago due to the lack of trust my infidelity bred. If he can truly forgive her then I'd wish them luck, but in my experience it's much easier said then done.

[Leegh]

I agree with you. I knew of a man who was unhappily married and "cheated" with his secretary. He divorced his wife and married his secretary. He and his secretary/wife has been married for over 30 years now, and I believe they are very happy and that he has not strayed from this marriage.

[crederer]

I think habitual cheaters will always cheat. Sometimes people do make mistakes, but he seems hurt enough by this to not be with her anymore.

[James-London]

I think the short answer to the question in the title is "yes". The problem is that we cannot apply generalisations to all people because everyone is so different.

 

There are always going to be some people who will always cheat no matter what. They could be in the most happy relationship and then cheat for no apparent reason. They may not even know why they cheat themselves. There are people like this but they are usually pretty emotionally dysfunctional anyway. Hopefully they can be spotted early on as they will likely have problems developing any type of relationship that requires any trust or intimacy. I think these people are relatively rare and hopefully can be spotted early. These are the people you can count on to always cheat again.

 

However, the vast majority of people who cheat do actually place a high value on the principle of having exclusive romantic relationships. The reason they cheat is because they not happy in their current relationship, not because they do not value the principle of being faithful. Apart from the sociopaths mentioned above, I don't think most people would cheat if they really happy in their relationship.

 

Again, we cannot generalise as to WHY the cheater is unhappy because everyone has different needs. But, based on what I have read on LS and elsewhere, the most common reasons seem to be (most popular first): a) feeling abandoned/ unappreciated, b) lack of emotional connection/chemistry (this is where cheaters say their partner does not really "get them"), c) feeling bored with the partner, outgrowing them, or the sex is not satisfactory. There are other reasons like a fear of intimacy, but I think this is less common.

 

I agree with what a previous poster said about how important it is for the cheater to be honest about what happened and why, really show remorse and regret, and try to take responsibility through getting therapy etc. Without these things the BS can safely assume that the WS will cheat again, and that they do not even value the relationship more generally.

 

However, even if there is no further cheating, the relationship is usually never the same again. I have seen plenty of posts on here where the WS does "everything right", but the BS is still in therapy because they still cannot forgive and trust many years later. It seems that the cheating is always there in the back (or front) of the mind of the BS and is never really forgotten, even if both partners want to move past it. It seems the relationship is usually permanently tarnished and I guess it is a choice for both partners if they still want to live with that forever.

 

The other thing I have noticed is that the BS often assumes that the reasons for cheating are as simple as what the WS tells them. So, if the BS changes their behaviour, then the WS would have no reason to cheat anymore. But it seems to me that the reason for cheating are usually much deeper. Drawing on my own experience, my ex-GF says she cheated because I was too busy with work and I did not spend enough time with her. But that does not explain why we could not have discussed this better, or booked up romantic holidays between my work projects, or why I was so wrapped up in work that I did not make the time for her anyway. It seems to me that whatever reason the WS gives for cheating, it is also important to ask why that reason was able to come so bad that it led to the cheating. Looking back, I think neither of us were that invested in the relationship and seeing her more regularly would not have made much difference to her cheating. sorry if i'm rambling on here...

 

Anyway, returning to the title, I think you can stop the cheating from happening again if you can identify and resolve ALL the problems in the relationship. But, by the time you have done all of that analysis, you may well discover that there is not the basic attraction or compatibility in the first place, and you were staying together for all the wrong reasons all along!

 

Hope that made some sense... I seemed to have gone off topic a bit.

Edited September 29, 2013 by James-London
corrections.

[James-London]

One final thought - I guess there is a category of people who would never cheat. I think these are the people who have enough self-esteem that they can just leave their partner when they become unhappy with their relationship. I don't think most WS want to hurt their partner. I think it is more that they are unhappy in their relationship and they are too cowardly to leave. So, they do the selfish thing of betraying the person they love while keeping hold of the security of their relationship with the BS.

[movingalongnicely]

there's a saying about a leopard changing his spots... once a cheat, always a cheat. it's harsh, but it's also the conservative approach and there are millions of people out there to choose from, there's no point wasting time giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

[emva07]

Many cheater are very good at appearing remorseful. Many actually do feel bad and don't want to do it again. But like mentioned above, it's a character flaw.

 

The only cheating that I see as maybe a one time thing is those people who have been married for like 20-40 years and the marriage has become rocky and boring. But for two young ppl who are just bf/gf I'd say it will happen again, as remorseful as they claim to be.

[James-London]

Oh James, you are so wrong.

 

Over 60% of married men that cheat say they have a wife that they have good frequent sex with and are emotionally satisfied with. Over half of cheating men are the type that cheat just because they can. With women however, they are much more likely to cheat if there is something missing. One of the reasons why Im so hesitant to be married these days. If you are a woman, you are likely not to be enough because men are wired for sexual variety.

 

Hey Keira,

I do agree there are differences between the sexes that I didn't put into my post. I agree that a guy can be having regular sex with his partner and be "emotionally satisfied" to some extent and still cheat. But emotional satisfaction and regular sex is not a big deal for many guys.

 

However, when a guy falls in love, they would only have eyes for their partner. Falling in love is much more than emotional satisfaction and regular sex.... I think it would be a pretty difficult to try to say what makes a guy fall in (or out of) love. But I do think that when guys get to that point (even those who have cheated before), they are as faithful as any woman would be...

 

That's my gut feeling, but feel free to let me know if you disagree/have further thoughts...

[Arabella001]

Every cheating situation is different. Some people are habitual cheaters, but many cheaters are good people making bad decisions. There are many reasons why people cheat, and most of them have nothing to do with bad character, many more related to a cry for help/attention.

 

I have a good friend who cheated a few times (all for the same reason, in a short space of time) on her husband (with 2 kids). Once they got to the bottom of the reason why she did it, they mended their marriage and now are more happy and in love than many other couples I know. It took a lot of work, time and understanding, trust re-building etc but learning to talk about problems rather than act on them got them through it. So every situation is different.

 

I also know a guy who's ex cheated on him - likely for attention, but it backfired and the marriage is over. Not everyone has the ability to forgive

[GatsbyMH]

I've cheated and I will never do it again. It all depends on what the person who cheated learns from it. I think it's possible to be able to fix things with honesty, patience and possibly counseling.