Ditched Again!!!

[Jenny]

Ok, So here's my dilema. I have been seeing this guys for about two months. We get along great, rarely have a disagreement. Problem is... He makes plans with me, and then either never shows up or calls and cancels. It does not happen all of the time. The first time that he didn't show, I was like ok, so he has an excuse. And every other time that he canceled plans, he has always called and let me know that he was not going to show up. Should I continue to see him, even though he is not very reliable? Each time that he does this it lowers my self-esteem and makes me feel like he only sees me when he does not have anything better to do. And if I continue to see him, how do I subtly tell him that canceling plans is not going to fly with me? I want to do this in a way where I don't sound like a nag or a bitch. Suggestions please. Thanks.

[MegaB]

I think what you have stated here is exactly what you need to tell him...that his ditching you is hurting your self-esteem and that you are not going to tolerate it anymore. Why would stating that clearly to him make you sound like a bitch or nagging? The fact that you wanted to "subtly" state the point makes me wonder if you are not assertive enough to stand up for yourself. Girl, stand up, speak up, and ditch him yourself if he doesn't respect your assertiveness!

 

Good Luck!

[John]

It sounds like you like this guy, but you are letting him walk all over you. Two months resembles some sort of relationship, and he should respect you. Letting him know that blowing you off isn't cool is not being bitchy. Don't sit around waiting for this guy.

Ok, So here's my dilema. I have been seeing this guys for about two months. We get along great, rarely have a disagreement. Problem is... He makes plans with me, and then either never shows up or calls and cancels. It does not happen all of the time. The first time that he didn't show, I was like ok, so he has an excuse. And every other time that he canceled plans, he has always called and let me know that he was not going to show up. Should I continue to see him, even though he is not very reliable? Each time that he does this it lowers my self-esteem and makes me feel like he only sees me when he does not have anything better to do. And if I continue to see him, how do I subtly tell him that canceling plans is not going to fly with me? I want to do this in a way where I don't sound like a nag or a bitch. Suggestions please. Thanks.

[Rico]

"that his ditching you is hurting your self-esteem"

 

Nobody can hurt your self esteem unless you allow them to. Everyone has free will and if you think someone is lowering your self esteem, do something concrete to change that...but whining to them that they're hurting your self esteem will only make you look like a whining wimp who blames others.

[MegaB]

Let's make one thing clear here. Stating your feelings clearly is NOT whining. If you felt uncomfortable about a situation and stood up for yourself by stating it, is that whining? Who is she to fear? NOBODY! That Rico IS self-esteem.

"that his ditching you is hurting your self-esteem" Nobody can hurt your self esteem unless you allow them to. Everyone has free will and if you think someone is lowering your self esteem, do something concrete to change that...but whining to them that they're hurting your self esteem will only make you look like a whining wimp who blames others.

[Rachel]

O.K. Here's how I see the situation. Maybe Tony will agree with me, since he always says men like a challenge.

 

I think this guy knows you will be waiting for him regardless of what he puts you through. He knows you are always there for him no matter what he does.

 

Be a bit more "hard to get" and "mysterious". Next time he asks you to do something, say that sounds sooo fun, but you had already made plans. (even if you have to sit at home painting your toenails).

 

Also, don't pick up the phone everytime he calls. Be a bit hard to find. Make him leave a few messages, then say you were soooo busy today. Make him want you.

 

Next time he asks you out, make sure it is written in stone. Tell him you will let him know the next day if you are available, because some friends were planning to get together, and you won't know till tomorrow. In short, let him think you have a "life" with or without him.

 

Anyway, long story short, if this relationship has anywhere to go, then you will have to change the tone of the relationship. Right now, you feel like you have no control, and he has total control, and that makes you feel small and insecure(I was in a relationship like that for 2 years, I never felt, even towards the end, that I had any control, and it was similar type things).

 

Also, make sure that this guy is in "want" of a relationship. I keep getting stuck with guys who don't really want what I want, and I think if you weed them out early you will save yourself a lot of hearatache. He may be interested in just"dating" for the sake of dating, and you may want a "relationship".... If that is the case, nothing you may do or say, or be "patient"( like a lot of women who think if they are just patient", the guy will come around, that just doesn't work. I have been checking out some wise people's advice on this board for a while now, and they all observe the same thing), will change that.

 

In short, you don't feel in control, so GET in control.

 

YOu sound like a great person. HOpe you find Mr. wonderful.

[Tony T]

You don't need to be subtle about telling him his habit of cancelling plans is unacceptable. Let him know you are very understanding but you are not willing to participate in this type of tradition.

 

You cannot continue to see someone where your self-esteem continues to be diminished and where you do not feel important to him.

 

Additionally, time is extremely valuable. We never know when it will be up for us. Setting time aside for someone and having them cancel out every other time is nonsense. Your time is important and if he is going to abuse it, he is showing extreme disrespect.

 

Find out if he has a medical problem. There are some things like panic disorder, low blood sugar, etc., that could cause eratic behavior like this. If he's got this problem, you can at least forgive him and not let this get to your own personal self worth.

 

He has already shown you his stuff. If I were you I wouldn't give a another chance to a guy who was so inconsiderate he held little value for my time or had to be told this was not right. DUH!!! Seems like you have more than given him additional chances and benefit of the doubt.

 

But you may not have been around the block as many times as I have so by all means do talk to him...and give him another chance. If this were a betting site, I would wager 50 to 1 odds he's not going to change.

[Rogue]

If you like the guy well enough, but don't apreciate his 'cancelling' routine, do what Rachel suggested. Don't let him take you for granted. Turn the tables on him, cancel out on a few of you dates and see how he likes it! lol

 

I have a question though. Does he pay enough attention to you when you two are out? I mean , does he seem like he's taking a genuine interest in you as person and wants to know who you really are? Or he is just trying to enjoy the date with you? Just curious.

[Deejette]

The fact that he cancels on a regular basis is something you have to ask yourself about, "Is this something I can put up with going forward?" You have to let a guy know what your boundaries are.

 

I was involved with a very wonderful guy who showed up hours late or cancelled dates and because I was not in love with him, I thought it was all right. But as time went on, I began to take it personally and saw that he must not have thought I was very important to him. I realized that I could not live with this on an on-going basis (wondering when he was going to show up or if he would show up at all).

 

I knew that if he had to pick up lottering winnings, he would make it there and on time too (maybe even early). So, after you let him know once, nicely, how you feel about his reliability, if he does not show an effort to improve, you might have to reconsider him as a serious keeper and just have him around for a little fun once in a while.

If you like the guy well enough, but don't apreciate his 'cancelling' routine, do what Rachel suggested. Don't let him take you for granted. Turn the tables on him, cancel out on a few of you dates and see how he likes it! lol I have a question though. Does he pay enough attention to you when you two are out? I mean , does he seem like he's taking a genuine interest in you as person and wants to know who you really are? Or he is just trying to enjoy the date with you? Just curious.

[Jen]

YOU ASK?

 

Does he pay enough attention to you when you two are out? I mean, does he seem like he's taking a genuine interest in you as person and wants to know who you really are? Or he is just trying to enjoy the date with you? Just curious.

 

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this? I think that he shows a genuine interest in me, but I am not sure. Can you give me examples of someone showing a genuine interest? Thanks, Jen

[WGirl]

I agree with the other posters. Have a talk with him and tell him to knock it off. If he continues to do it after you chat with him, let him go. He isn't worth it. Don't even play the games that someone else was suggested. (Like making plans with him and cancelling) You will only continue to cause yourself more aggravation.

Ok, So here's my dilema. I have been seeing this guys for about two months. We get along great, rarely have a disagreement. Problem is... He makes plans with me, and then either never shows up or calls and cancels. It does not happen all of the time. The first time that he didn't show, I was like ok, so he has an excuse. And every other time that he canceled plans, he has always called and let me know that he was not going to show up. Should I continue to see him, even though he is not very reliable? Each time that he does this it lowers my self-esteem and makes me feel like he only sees me when he does not have anything better to do. And if I continue to see him, how do I subtly tell him that canceling plans is not going to fly with me? I want to do this in a way where I don't sound like a nag or a bitch. Suggestions please. Thanks.

[Rogue]

Just little things. Does he ask you opinion of something, like say a movie you saw together, or what you think about a certain issue.( If he's curious how you see the world). Does he ask about your family or background? Does he listen when you talk about things that P!$$ you off? Does he laugh at your jokes? Does he care if you had a bad day at work? When you two are talking, how much time is spent talking about you and how much time is spent talking about him? Does he know how you like your coffee? Does he ask about any medical conditions you might have? Stuff like that. I was just curious.