First Shock

[Firstdivorce]

I hacked her email to find that her friend is telling her to divorce me. I cried after reading that my wife is waiting for "a good time to pull the plug" on me.

 

I was attracted to a post titled "Living with his Ghost." My wife just asked me for a separation which turned into a discussion of divorce. I thought of her as a ghost. I cannot imagine talking to her or seeing her after our divorce. This is so fresh, because I cried today realizing this is really happening to me. She refused marriage counseling twice. I'm praying to God to save our marriage, because I would feel dead without her. The ghost image already haunts me. She has not served me divorce papers yet. She asked for a separation but I told her I wanted to work on the marriage, because of all the good I remember from the 21 years we've been married. I read this post and can relate to the imagery and that is why I want to move out-of-state if and when she serves me divorce papers.

 

Can I leave my son behind? He is 16 years old. I just cannot imagine staying in the same state with her, if she divorces me.

[Moniq]

Im so sorry for what you are going in through. But first things first, Don't hack, stalk check phone, mail or any of that stuff. Nothing good will come of it. Any truth will come out to light in due time. There is no need to be dwelling over something that has not happened yet. It hurts I know that all to well but privacy is very important to some people and should be respected. I thought I had a perfect marriage and it turns out I didn't. I tried to fix it and it didn't work, he didn't want to try. I have to move on.

 

You asked if leaving your son would be a good idea since you don't want to live in the same state as your wife. The answer lies in you but as a parent you have to think of about what is best for your sons life. I don't think he would want you to leave him. He is already going through a divorce, the last thing he would want would be seeing his dad leave. I hate to put it this way but you have to put you big boy pants on and take care of your son..... I say it that way because had to put my big girl pants on and it feels great. Don't give your wife the satisfaction. Read the 180.... I think its the first thread.

 

Keep posting!

[Misadventure]

I know how you feel.. the need to know everything because you feel duped.. you are the one still trying and you want to be able to read everything just to see if there is a glimmer of hope (thats how I felt in the beginning).

 

Your wife has checked out.... No matter what you do...she has checked out. 9 times out of 10 its all about her and you need to focus on you.

 

Stop begging, calling, showing her how upset you are... and desperate..

 

READ THIS http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Read and do this...FOR YOU.. the 180.

 

I KNOW how you feel. I DO. You are blindsided, left, you want the marriage and the other does not ALL of a sudden. The thought of seeing the streets you drove down together, the restaurants, all those memories... it just seems to painful to live with and revisit just being near it.... in the beginning. I felt (sometimes feel again) exactly as you.

 

The first month, all I could do was look at places we have been to and think "how can I ever go in there again?"

 

Its the middle of the 3rd month after he left and ..guess what, I have.. all except a few places. But I will be able to overcome it because bottom line...I deserve to be able to and YOU DO as well.

 

It hurts and is going to continue to hurt, not going to lie. BUT...it does get better... when it hurts...and I have thoughts of "My life as I knew it is over and it's never going to be the same"...and I ache... I am NOW assured that this passes. It usually does within 15 minutes to 30 minutes now..and then I do something positive.

You are going to bounce between all the stages of grief. Don't freak out.. its normal. It is hard.. but moments get better.. It gets better when you realize you are better off.

 

Do you really want someone for the rest of your life who you can't trust to be there and not really WANT to be there?

 

Get counseling, it helps.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look. If it comes down to she wants a divorce, that doesn't mean you lose your son. That's foolish. He knows who his Dad is and if your a good Dad, your going to be there for him no matter what your wife does.

 

You can still have a good relationship with your boy even if your divorced. I know this for a fact. My wife and I divorced when my daughter was 6 and my relationship with her is, well let me put it to you this way, most people could only wish to have a relationship like the one I have with my daughter. Just remember that your problem is with your wife, not you son so you be there for him no matter what. You and your wife can get divorced but that doesn't mean you divorce your son. Running away to another state is chicken $h!t.

[GuyInLimbo]

OP, what the hell is this talk about "leaving your son behind?"

[worldgonewrong]

Firstdivorce- do NOT leave the state if you divorce. Your son is going to need you, period. Boys need their fathers, particularly if mom is going through mid-life-crisis madness. He will resent you if you bolt during this moment of crisis.

 

P.S. I live with my GF about 3 blocks away from my ex-W's house. I feel better knowing that I'm right around the corner. (The ex-W has no idea - or a faint idea - that I live that close. But it's irrelevant what she knows or doesn't.)

[K Os]

Firstdivorce, I'm sorry about the situation you find yourself in. I know exactly how you feel about wanting to move a long way away, if and when it's definitely over. My instincts are exactly the same and I think a lot of people's are when things go this wrong. In my past when relationships ended I opted for no contact with all of my ex-partners, I found it natural to do that. In one case, after a relationship of a couple of years, I moved to another country. It helped a lot. However, as you can see, when you have kids it's very different. You can't just up sticks and move far away. I've been fighting this urge myself too, for over a year now, because whatever happens I still have a son and he still needs me around. But bubbaganoosh and Moniq are right - you can always be the dad your son needs even if your contact with your ex-wife drops to nil. I've struggled to make sense of this too, but believe me it's true. I've been separated from my wife for 14 months, haven't received any divorce papers yet, and incredibly we haven't had a face-to-face conversation in all that time. Everything is in writing, minimal and detached. She moved out and now lives 3 doors along the street. My relationship with my son, however, is absolutely fine. He's nearly 16. He's upstairs playing on his PS3, we just had supper together, had a laugh, everything is fine with us, and after all the pain I've been through I've come to realise that none of the awful stuff my wife did can ever dent my relationship with my boy. A while ago I spent a month abroad. I kept in touch with him by text and skype, and again things went fine. Sure, we missed each other, but that's a good thing if you look at it right. And while we were skyping, he was in the house with his mum, with whom I have practically no contact. All this is very strange when you've lived together as a family, but it does work in a relationship sense. Relationships that aren't broken continue to be fine, never mind geographical space and time constraints. Be there for your son in all the ways that you can, things will work out as they should