How do you deal with only attracting people you don't want?

[phineas]

In a bar, where everything is about instant attraction, yes.

 

But in the rest of the world, there are reasons other than physical hotness to talk to and get to know someone. And that's when many of us often find we become attracted to some individuals after a month or so of interacting with them, where we may not have noticed that individual in a bar situation.

 

It happens all the time.

 

I see what you mean now.

[phineas]

 

If you don't want these ugly guys talking to you, just become a "Mean Girl" instead of a weak, nice girl that is too nice to stop these undesirable men from hitting on her.

 

This.

You think i'm going to bother approaching a woman who lets a bunch of loosers or d-bags just looking for sex put their arms around her, touch her ass, ect in a public place?

 

nope.

[holly25]

Actually you both don't only sound stuck up and snobbish, but men, QUALITY MEN pick up on your attitude and either stay away or will just try to bang you because they don't view women like you as relationship material.

 

I meet couples all the time when one is way more attractive looking than the other.

It isn't because they settled either.

It's because attraction is more than just looks.

 

Being in shape myself I tend to go for in shape women (lean women) because i'm active & won't date a couch potato but I've met & dated some curvy girls that turned me on just because of their attitude & personality.

 

 

Not true. I have a great attitude and am very down to earth and very polite. I've dated ugly men before and have even fallen in love with them. I was simply saying that I prefer attractive men that I feel are on my level. When you're physically attracted to someone and they are your match, it's just so much more stimulating. Everyone wants to be with someone they are attracted to, and don't want to be with someone not in their league. Judging by what you just said, you wouldn't date someone out of your league either.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Who said I let them touch me?

 

They approach, get a few sentences in, I say "Sorry, I need to get back to my friends".

 

I don't care to have "mean girl" personality

[Weezy1973]

In a bar, where everything is about instant attraction, yes.

 

But in the rest of the world, there are reasons other than physical hotness to talk to and get to know someone. And that's when many of us often find we become attracted to some individuals after a month or so of interacting with them, where we may not have noticed that individual in a bar situation.

 

It happens all the time.

 

Exactly this. The vast majority of long lasting relationships come from people who met at work, school or are in their social circle. Meeting randoms whether it be in bars or OLD has a much, much lower success rate (if you're looking for a relationship). And as xxoo said, the main reason for this is that physical appearance is all you're basing your approach on. And in a relationship there is so much more to it than just how physically attractive your partner is.

 

When you get to know people over an extended period of time you get to appreciate different aspects of them that wouldn't jump out on a first meet. Your attraction develop due to other, more important qualities. My main suggestion OP would to stop doing OLD or trying to pick up men in bars, but instead get into situations where you get to know men over a prolonged period of time. Take a class, join a meetup group, pursue a hobby etc.

[jcrew11]

Who said I let them touch me?

 

They approach, get a few sentences in, I say "Sorry, I need to get back to my friends".

 

I don't care to have "mean girl" personality

 

So what are the "type of guys" that you want?

 

But they don't approach you or find you attractive?

 

That sounds like a catch-22 to me.

 

It sounds like you're just whining and not willing to put in the effort to really meet or talk to guys you want.

[phineas]

Not true. I have a great attitude and am very down to earth and very polite. I've dated ugly men before and have even fallen in love with them. I was simply saying that I prefer attractive men that I feel are on my level. When you're physically attracted to someone and they are your match, it's just so much more stimulating. Everyone wants to be with someone they are attracted to, and don't want to be with someone not in their league. Judging by what you just said, you wouldn't date someone out of your league either.

 

missing the point entirely.

If you are picky it is your own fault.

Nobody wants to hear a stuck up snob complain about all the "unattractive men" who constantly hit on her.

[phineas]

Who said I let them touch me?

 

They approach, get a few sentences in, I say "Sorry, I need to get back to my friends".

 

I don't care to have "mean girl" personality

 

Nobody.

I wasn't referring to you specifically.

I was just stating what I personally see when out in a bar or at parties.

 

I have attractive women friends.

They will remain women friends until they stop getting drunk & letting guys in our social circle touch them as if they are a couple in public.

 

Guys they claim left & right they are not interested in getting with sober & actually complain about how they constantly hit on them (yet keep inviting them out)

 

These same women wonder why nobody approaches them in bars.

Oh, I don't know because one of the guys in our group just put both hands on your waist, pulled you in & talked to you closely for a minute or two as if you were a couple?

 

But I see this with women I don't know also.

They are single but they practically dry hump guys in bars that they are not dating.

again.

[holly25]

missing the point entirely.

If you are picky it is your own fault.

Nobody wants to hear a stuck up snob complain about all the "unattractive men" who constantly hit on her.

 

Not picky. You've missed the point. Nothing anybody in this thread said makes us stuck up. If yearning for someone you are attracted to makes me a snob then I'll own it.

[carhill]

I used to stand there a waste a lot of time talking to these men but now I quickly say "Sorry I have to go" and move on.

 

I wish it was more socially acceptable for women to approach. Even if I got a lot of rejections, at least I am not being hassled and I am getting exactly what I want.

IMO, you're handling it just fine. Excuse yourself and move on.

 

BTW, even if you do 'choose', you'll still have the same odds of it being mutual as well as having the undesirables chasing you around. That doesn't magically go away when one makes a choice to 'choose'.

 

Interesting problem; perhaps, if I'm alive in another 20 years or so, I'll have some better suggestions from experience. Good luck.

[jcrew11]

Not picky. You've missed the point. Nothing anybody in this thread said makes us stuck up. If yearning for someone you are attracted to makes me a snob then I'll own it.

 

Its a vague problem to have. She is saying "I don't want ugly guys around me" but "I just want attractive hot guys to hit on me"

 

That comes down to looks, attitude, and personality.

 

If you are too nice of a girl who can't tell a guy "No" then guys will think they can walk all over you.

 

It just comes down to having confidence, and having the willpower to keep up those high standards.

[Robert]

*** Moderation here ***

 

Let's keep the insults off this thread and keep the posts ON topic, thanks

[holly25]

Its a vague problem to have. She is saying "I don't want ugly guys around me" but "I just want attractive hot guys to hit on me"

 

That comes down to looks, attitude, and personality.

 

If you are too nice of a girl who can't tell a guy "No" then guys will think they can walk all over you.

 

It just comes down to having confidence, and having the willpower to keep up those high standards.

 

 

It's unrealistic to think that everyone around us is going to be hot. I don't think that is what she is meaning. There is a difference between looks and attraction. We're all attracted to different things. What she finds attractive, I may not and vice versa. I think it's more so she's being hit on by men that are off putting to begin with, and desires to be hit on by men that are attractive in the first place so that no one's time is wasted. She may sound confused, picky, or too iffy...but I think it's all really rather simple. We desire to be with someone that turns us on physically.

[Imported]

They approach, get a few sentences in, I say "Sorry, I need to get back to my friends".

 

I don't care to have "mean girl" personality

 

 

Last night I went out with 2 guy friends out of which one tried to get me to go home with him

 

That guy is not your friend. I'd bet $1US greenback that both of those guys are orbiters. The other one is just more patient than the one that tried to get you home that night.

[jcrew11]

It's unrealistic to think that everyone around us is going to be hot. I don't think that is what she is meaning. There is a difference between looks and attraction. We're all attracted to different things. What she finds attractive, I may not and vice versa. I think it's more so she's being hit on by men that are off putting to begin with, and desires to be hit on by men that are attractive in the first place so that no one's time is wasted. She may sound confused, picky, or too iffy...but I think it's all really rather simple.

 

We desire to be with someone that turns us on physically.

 

I think the OP fails to understand that in order to attract a higher caliber men, then she needs to act a certain way. She seems way to nice and weak-willed, that is why ugly men think she is easily approachable, because she seems like a nice girl that will listen to them.

 

But she is also very lazy, and I think women who wait around for men to hit on them, also take the "Lazy Approach to Dating." And then complain about it when they don't like any of the men talking to them.

 

If it is such a big deal for her to date the "unattainable hot guy" then she needs to be proactive and go talk to him.

 

Some times you have to stop whining, and start taking what you want out of life, and not wasting your time. If she wants to wait for Prince Charming to walk up to her front door, she might be waiting a long time; especially in this age of modern feminism. Guys are no longer expected to meet a nice girl at Church, call up her house, and take her out to dinner.

 

In this modern age, alpha women aren't afraid of anything or any men, and will snatch up all the boy toys before the nice beta girls even have a chance.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Where did I say you had a "sh*tty personality" ?

I just pointed out that other men can see shallow stuck up women who perceive themselves too attractive to date average looking men.

 

If a woman is trying to say 99% of the men who approach her are deemed unattractive by societies standards then she simply isn't as attractive as she thinks she is or has unrealistic standards in which case she should STFU because it's all on her not the men she meets.

 

This is rich. So my personality isn't sh*tty but I'm a stuck up snob who isn't actually all that attractive? If I had to guess I'd sat your mad because you can't get an attractive woman yourself. People are allowed to have standards buddy, and if you can't accept that, then that's your problem.

 

And your whole argument that women like me mustn't be as attractive as we think we are falls flat because I've had more than one LTR with men I found very attractive. If I would have went out with the guy that I wasn't attracted to (beyond the physical) I never would have met my current partner or the partner before that. If I never had a boyfriend or a meaningful relationship than maybe your argument would hold up.

 

BTW who has the personality issue when its you that is name calling and insulting others with a different view than you?

[Pompeii]

Makes zero sense to me why women don't approach, especially since everything's supposed to be "equal" now a days. The chances of you getting shot down are pretty low if you're attractive.

[Revolver]

Just Go after the guys you really want

[Pompeii]

Well, a lot of women do.

 

But when I get approached by a guy, I break down his "look" into more constituent parts than "is he hot?" Is he dressed in rumpled clothes and needs a shave? Next. Does he appear immature (you'd be surprised how common that is, grown men dressed like little boys)? Next. Does he lead with a bad pickup line or any kind of sexual innuendo? Next. Does he utter a backhanded compliment? Next.

 

Now, is he clean shaven? Does he appear employed? Educated (that's a big one for me)? Does he seem genuine? Does he ask to sit down with me, buy a drink, etc (rather than just assuming)? Well, that guy might be worth a go.

 

Yes, I care about looks... but "looks" are a lot more than whether a man is hot.

 

Lol, you hear that guys... you'll just get "a go" only if you meet the laundry list of criteria above. If you buy her a drink, you'll just get "a go". What does educated even mean? There's all sorts of types of intelligence. Just because a man is well versed in literature doesn't mean he'll know jack **** about life. I can count on all my fingers and toes the bobby pins that I've met who are extremely book smart but had no street smarts to speak of.

 

This is rich.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

In a bar, where everything is about instant attraction, yes.

 

But in the rest of the world, there are reasons other than physical hotness to talk to and get to know someone. And that's when many of us often find we become attracted to some individuals after a month or so of interacting with them, where we may not have noticed that individual in a bar situation.

 

It happens all the time.

 

I disagree. I do VERY well in bars and I'm certainly not modelesque.

 

Substitute "bar" with "OLD" and I'd be inclined to agree with you.

[jcrew11]

This is rich. So my personality isn't sh*tty but I'm a stuck up snob who isn't actually all that attractive? If I had to guess I'd sat your mad because you can't get an attractive woman yourself. People are allowed to have standards buddy, and if you can't accept that, then that's your problem.

 

And your whole argument that women like me mustn't be as attractive as we think we are falls flat because I've had more than one LTR with men I found very attractive. If I would have went out with the guy that I wasn't attracted to (beyond the physical) I never would have met my current partner or the partner before that. If I never had a boyfriend or a meaningful relationship than maybe your argument would hold up.

 

BTW who has the personality issue when its you that is name calling and insulting others with a different view than you?

 

Being seen as a snob or an assertive jerk is both a good and a bad thing. Nice girls and guys let others walk all over them.

But people with standards will only try to date those they want.

It doesn't matter if others think you are a snob or a jerk, they are inherintly jealous because you're unafraid to tell someone "you don't want to date them" and have the guts to find the right guy for you.

 

Its only if a woman waits, and waits, and waits, for her Prince without taking her own initiative then that "snob factor" works to her disadvantage because she is actively doing anything to change her options.

[Leigh 87]

Where did I say you had a "sh*tty personality" ?

I just pointed out that other men can see shallow stuck up women who perceive themselves too attractive to date average looking men.

 

If a woman is trying to say 99% of the men who approach her are deemed unattractive by societies standards then she simply isn't as attractive as she thinks she is or has unrealistic standards in which case she should STFU because it's all on her not the men she meets.

 

 

I get you.

 

I have men tell me that they go and try to start a conversation with girls, and the girls are so stuck up and they do not have good enough social skills to just say " hey, I'm ____, how are you?"

 

Like seriously. A lot of girls just stand there and either ignore the poor guy, or they will barely talk or just turn the other way.

 

These are perfectly cute guys too.....

 

It is such a horrible personality to have, when you cannot even smile and be friendly to some guy who approaches you. It is not hard to be friendly.

[Babolat]

I seem to always be approached by men I have zero interest in. They are either a lot older or clearly out of shape or few that are attractive were not intelligent or we had few things in common.

 

I used to stand there a waste a lot of time talking to these men but now I quickly say "Sorry I have to go" and move on.

 

I wish it was more socially acceptable for women to approach. Even if I got a lot of rejections, at least I am not being hassled and I am getting exactly what I want.

 

I don't approach woman, not sure why, just feels cheesy to me. So I would LOVE it if a woman approached me; and they do, and like you, it's almost always ones I am not attracted to/interested in.

[Babolat]

My dad told me that I should approach the ones that don't approach me because they are less likely to be players

 

Your dad is a smart man!

[Babolat]

At a bar, looks matter a lot.

 

But bars are not ideal places to meet a partner.

 

Bingo...thus my issues with bars in general as a means to meet people.