I am not indifferent

[peruano99]

What does your current girlfriend think of what your ex has done?

[Artie Lang]

OMFG, BH!!! they had a 3some..... with prostitute?!!

 

jesus, your ex-wife sounds like a closet freak.

Edited November 10, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Steen719]

Kidd, I had not seen this link. I will not ask how you became aware of it. I don't care. Yet, clearly, your reaction is understandable.

 

I'm also not sure how much good it'll do to rehash this old garbage. Suffice to say (and forgotten by abusive cheaters) is that you could have done and posted the very same thing at her expense. In terms of your current situation and/or state of mind, know that in a very real way you suffered clinical abuse. No matter which form it is inflicted, abuse is a devastating horror to overcome. It is no surprise that lingering issues prevail, but -indeed- it's quite a display of compassion and strength on your part to not only battle this, but to reach out to others in the helpful way you do.

 

There is little one can do, IMO, for those who gain satisfaction at the expense of another. Those who inflict cruelty will suffer greatly.

 

Much insight you will gain from this as time passes. Much wisdom will be earned. Because you're committed to overcoming it, the battle against evildoing towards the innocent will be bolstered and the wicked exposed.

 

Continue to live day by day. You need no validation, but I do encourage you to seek balance. As part of the answer and not part of the problem, you become a positive in a world filled with fear, anger and dejection.

 

Celebrate the fact that you're still standing. The pain of remembering these things will fade after it has served its usefulness. Stay the course kidd!

 

Yep, I second that!

[BetrayedH]

What does your current girlfriend think of what your ex has done?

 

It certainly bought some sympathy but I'm not sure anyone can really relate until you've been there. Mostly though, it helps her "get it" that I'm not kidding about honesty in my relationship. We talk about difficult subjects pretty readily. She was especially great at the beginning. She actually bcc'd me on NC emails that she sent to men she had previously dated just to set my mind at ease. But most of it is ancient history for her. She only gets upset when I come home irritated after a kid exchange. My ex knows my buttons and used to push them routinely. That pissed my GF off. She used to jokingly offer to go beat her ass.

 

But we both have former spouses and her ex gets under her skin, too. It's part of the routine, I suppose.

[BetrayedH]

OMFG, BH!!! they had a 3some..... with prostitute?!!

 

jesus, your ex-wife sounds like a closet freak.

 

Yeah, I think the no-holds-barred thing is common with affair sex. Honestly, it was in my RA, too. If you're going to take such a huge risk and you know the relationship won't last then you're not going to be conservative. You're going to try to fulfill your fantasies.

 

I had seen a local prostitute in her internet history but she said they never did it; said she knew that a threesome had been a fantasy of mine and she wouldn't do it without me. (We never seriously discussed 3-somes, BTW). The night I found the blog I asked her again and she admitted it did happen. But she said that when the hooker kissed her, she couldn't do it and stopped and sat there (while the OM had sex with the hooker). Um, ok, sure.

[compulsivedancer]

Fortunately, it's much more of an intellectual exercise for me than being painful. Not sure that my story itself helps many people. But from time to time I read a thread where someone says that their wife had an EA but they don't think she would have physically cheated on them. Yeah, right.

 

What's weird is I have a friend who very clearly had a long-term EA, but since it wasn't physical, her H wasn't concerned. He sometimes even encouraged the relationship, not thinking of it as an affair. Now she's probably having a PA with some other guy. I can't even get her on the phone because HE thinks I'd encourage her and SHE knows I'd try to talk her out of it.

[BetrayedH]

What's weird is I have a friend who very clearly had a long-term EA, but since it wasn't physical, her H wasn't concerned. He sometimes even encouraged the relationship, not thinking of it as an affair. Now she's probably having a PA with some other guy. I can't even get her on the phone because HE thinks I'd encourage her and SHE knows I'd try to talk her out of it.

 

If you'd ever have suggested that my wife would have had an affair, let alone 60 hotel stays, writing the blog post, a 3-some with a prostitute, or my RA, or the couch, or that I'd go to jail or get divorced - I'd have bet my life savings against any of those (and lost, obviously).

 

Oddly, I never seemed to be overly concerned about the EA part of my wife's affair. I think I just figured she'd kinda gone mental and I just wanted to fix the whole thing. Big difference between men and women, I suppose. Good luck with your friends.

 

Hope things are well for you.

[peruano99]

It certainly bought some sympathy but I'm not sure anyone can really relate until you've been there. Mostly though, it helps her "get it" that I'm not kidding about honesty in my relationship. We talk about difficult subjects pretty readily. She was especially great at the beginning. She actually bcc'd me on NC emails that she sent to men she had previously dated just to set my mind at ease. But most of it is ancient history for her. She only gets upset when I come home irritated after a kid exchange. My ex knows my buttons and used to push them routinely. That pissed my GF off. She used to jokingly offer to go beat her ass.

 

But we both have former spouses and her ex gets under her skin, too. It's part of the routine, I suppose.

 

Your ex used to bother you and your girlfriend?

[96nole]

About half of posts of that other thread are members arguing with each other. This thread got my attention mainly because I never have seen a Caucasian woman cheat for a hispanic guy. Most of the cases of people I know, they went for white or black men.

 

 

Okay so what happened? I read that thread and you said you were going to give her a second chance.

 

My ex wife also cheated with a hispanic guy. But it's not that uncommon in South Florida where there is a high hispanic population.

[96nole]

Hi BH/Kidd - I always call you Kidd in my mind when I read your stuff..LOL

Not sure how I missed this thread when you posted, but I'm not as active on here as I used to be, so I guess that must be it.

We are about in the same time frame for discovery. I think my divorce was much faster - more than 2 years now. You know how awful things were for me. Swear this is true - about 3 months or so ago, I realized I just didn't care what the XH said to me at any time anymore. Can you believe it? Still trying to make me think I need to go back to him! (and his family does this, too) Not ever, ever, ever doing that. My son finishes college in May 2014, I don't have to see XH, so it makes it that much easier for me. Anywaaaaay - so I just sort of think to myself one day, "who gives a crap what he is saying - blah blah blah" and I sort of achieved some level of indifference. It felt so good.

 

Guess what happened? I know that you know, I said I never wanted to be with anyone else. I thought I would make my life, go ahead with my financial disaster and come out on the other end alright. I came away from the mess, quit caring about him and have a new interest . Right when I was ready for it.

 

I can't explain it. Freedom from caring about him first and then what I needed. I have some things to be thankful for and I know you feel the same after what you went through. I think you will get there, particularly after the kids are older. The NO contact helped me.

 

You are a great guy; I have always admired your desire and willingness to help others through this crap and I guess half of us women probably have a crush on you ! I hope only good things come your way.

 

YEA Steen!!!!!!

[Steen719]

YEA Steen!!!!!!

 

Thank you, 96.....Hey, I thought about you yesterday. What the heck with the Noles? You know I'm crazy about you, 96, but I am a BAMA fan - alma mater and all. So, try to keep it under control - OK? LOL:lmao::lmao:

 

Are you doing good?

 

(Sorry, kidd, t/j)

[BetrayedH]

Your ex used to bother you and your girlfriend?

 

No. My exwife would piss me off and that would piss my GF off.

[Steadfast]

Great post, Steadfast.

 

It's the truth kidd. We can all use encouragement and it's important to let someone know that the time they take to help isn't taken for granted.

 

My ex didn't post online (that I know of...but I doubt it. Her comp skills and spelling were lacking) but I had a close-n-personal with her sexual 'interactions'. She was also cruel. Later, she apologized for that but I believe it was because some of it came back around. It always does friend.

 

I'm engaged in this post because it address a big problem for many betrayed spouses 'after the fact'. You've done almost everything right; rejected her actions, worked on yourself, moved on, and shared what you've learned with others. Yet and still more challenges remain because of the family you shared with her. Because of the age of our children, I only had a 'couple years of dealing. It's been three years since that ended and that time has allowed my new relationship to grow and my attitude towards her to reach a more mature level. I have reached indifference and it is a wonderful, glorious thing indeed. I wish that for you and soon.

 

I'm mulling over some thoughts and doing some reading. I'll post back when I have more to share. Never forget that this is a fight worth fighting.

[96nole]

Thank you, 96.....Hey, I thought about you yesterday. What the heck with the Noles? You know I'm crazy about you, 96, but I am a BAMA fan - alma mater and all. So, try to keep it under control - OK? LOL:lmao::lmao:

 

Are you doing good?

 

(Sorry, kidd, t/j)

I'm doing very well. I was thinking of you last night as well. It looks like our teams are on a collision course. And a collision it will be with those two teams.

 

(also sorry for the t/j)

[jnel921]

No. My exwife would piss me off and that would piss my GF off.

 

BH... I know it's still too soon. You will get to that point where your xW won't piss you off and you wont care anymore. It's tough because you still have to communicate about the kids. My kids are now older and they deal with their dad directly.

 

My only concern is your GF. You want to make sure your relationship is healthy and that your "anger" about your past isn't rolling into that relationship.

 

After my First M and D I was in a relationship with a great guy soon after I had my daughter. But it was too soon and fresh from my D and I was always is some type of battle with my exH. My then BF would be upset about it but couldn't help but feel like he couldn't do anything because we weren't married, it wasn't his kids and he felt as if he was in the middle of something that still was not finished.

 

I eventually broke up with him because I didn't feel like I was 100% emotionally vested with him. The relationship was supposed to be about us but my exH was always a topic of discussion and the hurts and pain were still there. Believe it or not we are the best of friends now! So I am grateful to him for being my support after all of that.

 

It took me some time...5 years later I was able to be in a relationship where talk of my exH was not the main topic or important anymore. Seeing my exH didn't bother me. My feelings did change. Rest assured yours will too!

[peruano99]

No. My exwife would piss me off and that would piss my GF off.

 

 

What did she do? If you two were separated I see no reason for her contacting you.

[compulsivedancer]

BH, I'm reading through that original thread. It's hard to watch you go through that, knowing the outcome. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you ever have to see her again. I wish there was a way to make it easier.

 

Im glad you have a supportive girlfriend. No one expects you to be indifferent. It sounds like it takes just as long to heal from infidelity if you divorce as if you reconcile, and you're still only a couple years in (shorter, if you start the clock back at zero for your divorce).

 

I wish you all the best, and it means all the more to me that you have stayed on here and are willing to root for us WSs, and help us through our Rs. Not that many people are willing to do that, and sometimes your kind words and good advice, and the words of other posters were the main thing keeping me afloat and believing that there was hope.

 

I mean that in the most heartfelt of ways. I haven't been posting much on LS anymore, mostly because there isn't a lot left here for me, but I want to make sure you know how much it means.

[Steen719]

I'm doing very well. I was thinking of you last night as well. It looks like our teams are on a collision course. And a collision it will be with those two teams.

 

(also sorry for the t/j)

 

LOL...let's not fight until then....

[Steen719]

It's the truth kidd. We can all use encouragement and it's important to let someone know that the time they take to help isn't taken for granted.

 

My ex didn't post online (that I know of...but I doubt it. Her comp skills and spelling were lacking) but I had a close-n-personal with her sexual 'interactions'. She was also cruel. Later, she apologized for that but I believe it was because some of it came back around. It always does friend.

 

I'm engaged in this post because it address a big problem for many betrayed spouses 'after the fact'. You've done almost everything right; rejected her actions, worked on yourself, moved on, and shared what you've learned with others. Yet and still more challenges remain because of the family you shared with her. Because of the age of our children, I only had a 'couple years of dealing. It's been three years since that ended and that time has allowed my new relationship to grow and my attitude towards her to reach a more mature level. I have reached indifference and it is a wonderful, glorious thing indeed. I wish that for you and soon.

 

I'm mulling over some thoughts and doing some reading. I'll post back when I have more to share. Never forget that this is a fight worth fighting.

 

Then, thank you also, Steadfast.

[BetrayedH]

BH... I know it's still too soon. You will get to that point where your xW won't piss you off and you wont care anymore. It's tough because you still have to communicate about the kids. My kids are now older and they deal with their dad directly.

 

My only concern is your GF. You want to make sure your relationship is healthy and that your "anger" about your past isn't rolling into that relationship.

 

After my First M and D I was in a relationship with a great guy soon after I had my daughter. But it was too soon and fresh from my D and I was always is some type of battle with my exH. My then BF would be upset about it but couldn't help but feel like he couldn't do anything because we weren't married, it wasn't his kids and he felt as if he was in the middle of something that still was not finished.

 

I eventually broke up with him because I didn't feel like I was 100% emotionally vested with him. The relationship was supposed to be about us but my exH was always a topic of discussion and the hurts and pain were still there. Believe it or not we are the best of friends now! So I am grateful to him for being my support after all of that.

 

It took me some time...5 years later I was able to be in a relationship where talk of my exH was not the main topic or important anymore. Seeing my exH didn't bother me. My feelings did change. Rest assured yours will too!

 

Fortunately, my ex is pretty rarely a point of conversation for us. There was a lot more in the beginning and I'm surprised it wasn't more of a problem. But hell, my story really is book-worthy so she was graceful. If anything is a challenge (maybe not the right word) for us today, it's LS. She asks what's up in LSland almost nightly so I give her a daily update. She hears a lot of trainwreck stories and fears that it's too much negativity. It's hard to convey that a lot of good comes out of it, too.

 

Honestly, there's more frustration with her ex than mine these days. But trust me, I hear you. I was nervous about it for quite a while.

[BetrayedH]

What did she do? If you two were separated I see no reason for her contacting you.

 

We have two children together so we communicate in some way about half the days of the week.

[BetrayedH]

BH, I'm reading through that original thread. It's hard to watch you go through that, knowing the outcome. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you ever have to see her again. I wish there was a way to make it easier.

 

Im glad you have a supportive girlfriend. No one expects you to be indifferent. It sounds like it takes just as long to heal from infidelity if you divorce as if you reconcile, and you're still only a couple years in (shorter, if you start the clock back at zero for your divorce).

 

I wish you all the best, and it means all the more to me that you have stayed on here and are willing to root for us WSs, and help us through our Rs. Not that many people are willing to do that, and sometimes your kind words and good advice, and the words of other posters were the main thing keeping me afloat and believing that there was hope.

 

I mean that in the most heartfelt of ways. I haven't been posting much on LS anymore, mostly because there isn't a lot left here for me, but I want to make sure you know how much it means.

 

There's still a big part of me that believes in all of that forgiveness business. And I believe that people can redeem themselves from even the biggest of mistakes. For those that are trying (like you), I'm glad to be a cheerleader.

 

At some point, LS transitioned from me taking from it to a position of giving back. Thank goodness. Maybe that's in store for you, too. But I can definitely see diminishing returns for waywards on here once they "get it." Nothing wrong with taking that which you've learned and really putting your house in order.

 

By the way, there's a thank you in there somewhere if you can find it.

[Artie Lang]

The night I found the blog I asked her again and she admitted it did happen. But she said that when the hooker kissed her, she couldn't do it and stopped and sat there (while the OM had sex with the hooker). Um, ok, sure.

 

yea, right. so she was gonna write in her blog- a hotwife blog, no less -that she just sat there while it all went on. uh-huh..... suuure.

 

not a very spicy entry for such a salacious forum.

[peruano99]

These threads made me open my eyes and made me realize I don't want to get married.

[BetrayedH]

yea, right. so she was gonna write in her blog- a hotwife blog, no less -that she just sat there while it all went on. uh-huh..... suuure.

 

not a very spicy entry for such a salacious forum.

 

You know, I hadn't actually put those two pieces together before. She had told the webmaster via email that she had another story in the works and I figured it was about the 3-some. But that sure would be boring if nothing happened.

 

Just goes to show that she was still TT'ing me even during those confessions. Amazing.