Affair with younger man.

[Jaycee]

I'm 50. Have been married 25 years. Very good, settled marriage. Two children now grown up.

I work with a man who is now 26. 3 years ago we kissed after a year of close professional friendship. Very quickly it became an affair simply because we both fell madly in love. I told my husband one year later when I thought he was suspecting something. He eventually forgave me as I played the affair down saying it had only been a few months.

I continued the affair again simply because I am in love with him. My husband does not suspect any more though he is a bit uncomfortable as I still work with this guy. But I have convinced my husband that all is ok.

This guy is in no position to whisk me away. He has minimum funds and close ties to his family who would be mortified to hear about me.

We both manage to get the odd night away. Once every 6 weeks if we're lucky.

He doesn't want another more conventional girlfriend. Or kids. (Of course I'm past that) he just wants me. And I want him.

But we are stuck. We can't move forward. Have no real chance of a future together and yet cannot bear to split up. Even though we have tried.

Not sure what advice anyone can give! But would be useful to just talk to someone about it!

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I'm 50. Have been married 25 years. Very good, settled marriage. Two children now grown up.

I work with a man who is now 26. 3 years ago we kissed after a year of close professional friendship. Very quickly it became an affair simply because we both fell madly in love. I told my husband one year later when I thought he was suspecting something. He eventually forgave me as I played the affair down saying it had only been a few months.

I continued the affair again simply because I am in love with him. My husband does not suspect any more though he is a bit uncomfortable as I still work with this guy. But I have convinced my husband that all is ok.

This guy is in no position to whisk me away. He has minimum funds and close ties to his family who would be mortified to hear about me.

We both manage to get the odd night away. Once every 6 weeks if we're lucky.

He doesn't want another more conventional girlfriend. Or kids. (Of course I'm past that) he just wants me. And I want him.

But we are stuck. We can't move forward. Have no real chance of a future together and yet cannot bear to split up. Even though we have tried.

Not sure what advice anyone can give! But would be useful to just talk to someone about it!

 

Okay. I'm sure I'll get suspended (again) for this, but I'll be the one to say what we're all thinking.

 

What is this guy thinking? I'm 26 and this guy must be all kinds of desperate to do something like this.

 

And, for the sake of staying on topic, OP, stop being selfish. Divorce your husband and put that poor man out of his misery. You're an old lady. You should be teaching the younger generation better than this.

Edited September 15, 2013 by HoneyBadgerDontCare

[Jaycee]

Didn't expect approval thankfully. Didn't get it either!

I do respect your advice. It's good advice but it seems that both of you find my age the issue more than anything else! Almost repulsed at the thought of a 50 year old with a 26 year old.

That's not terribly fair.

I don't look "old" (whatever your vision of old is)and people who know us as friends think we look good together.

I hope you are guilty of a young, passionate outlook on life at 50! Do you expect to be very different at 50?

Yes I'm selfish but no one is being hurt here. My husband is currently happy and has freedom to do what he wants.

I'm not justifying my relationship. Of course it's wrong. All affairs are. But I was hoping to hear from someone who had experience of something similar.

[PlumPrincess]

This guy is in no position to whisk me away. He has minimum funds and close ties to his family who would be mortified to hear about me.

Where is your money? And if it's true love, he could care less what his family thinks. And people get divorced all the time and move in with their new partner.

[PlumPrincess]

Personally, I wonder why people get involved with partners that are so much younger.

[PlumPrincess]

Yes I'm selfish but no one is being hurt here. My husband is currently happy and has freedom to do what he wants.

This is bullsh*t.

[Jaycee]

I'm just really really scared of hurting my husband any further. What he doesn't know can't hurt surely.

Yes I have money. And I guess we could move in together but I really don't want to admit to my husband what I have done. It will kill him. He really doesn't deserve it. Yet I can't stop seeing this guy because we make each other so very happy. We've tried splitting up and we just end up utterly depressed.

[darkmoon]

at fifty a woman is attractive, wow amazing, at sixty plus you can not even see wrinkles without glasses on, one minute you have a lovely look then pafff reality, wean yourself of this guy, or spend a fortune on plastic surgery

[Jaycee]

Really don't care about getting old. When he goes off me he goes off me. Can happen to anyone. We don't choose who we fall in love with. Not sure people here quite get what it means to be really properly in love. I didn't choose to get involved. My marriage lacked nothing. I just fell in love. Simple as. So did he. Feels like quite a rare thing. I've been with a few partners and been in love. But not like this. Sorry you think it's bull****. Of course it's a car crash waiting to happen. But in the meantime I was just interested in other people's similar experiences of this. Obviously not such a common thing to happen.

[twosadthings]

After the car crash there will be only one question I would ask if I was your husband, not why or how could you or what were you thinking, but was it worth it to have to live the rest of your life without me?

 

Eventually you will get what you expect and even more than you deserve.

 

Good luck and good thoughts in the end to your husband,

 

Twosadthings

[sweet_pea]

Really don't care about getting old. When he goes off me he goes off me. Can happen to anyone. We don't choose who we fall in love with. Not sure people here quite get what it means to be really properly in love. I didn't choose to get involved. My marriage lacked nothing. I just fell in love. Simple as. So did he. Feels like quite a rare thing. I've been with a few partners and been in love. But not like this. Sorry you think it's bull****. Of course it's a car crash waiting to happen. But in the meantime I was just interested in other people's similar experiences of this. Obviously not such a common thing to happen.

 

Stop saying you didn't choose to get involved. YOU DID. You chose to get involved with the OM, did you not? Every time you went to see him, every time you talked to him, every time you kissed him, hugged him, had sex with him, confided in him, whatever. That was ALL A CHOICE-- YOUR CHOICE. What a bullish*t excuses that you didn't have a choice. Everyone has a choice in who they pursue, who they fall in love with, who they get with. That includes you.

 

Tell your husband what you're doing. He deserves to know what kind of woman he is married to. He deserves to find love with a woman who will respect him, be faithful to him and truly love him.

[thefooloftheyear]

OMG...Grow up...Maybe you do belong with this kid because you come across as a 14 year old girl..

 

Be honest with yourself and your husband,

 

TFY

[underwater2010]

I don't know what to tell you except maybe you should try being on your own for awhile. No husband, no boyfriend. Just you supporting yourself. Because I honestly believe that you should not just consider someone to be worthy of your future based solely on his inability to financially take care of you. After all you love each other so much.

 

Just out of curiosity....how do you deal with dating someone close to your own kids age? After all you did say they are grown...that means 18 yrs + right?

[StanMusial]

We both manage to get the odd night away. Once every 6 weeks if we're lucky.

 

Well la-dee-da, that sounds like fun.

 

"old" (whatever your vision of old is)and people who know us as friends think we look good together.

 

You're kidding yourself lady. I know one guy, ONE, in my entire life that dated someone close to that much older. He was 31 and she was 50-something. She was cool and everything, but she was obviously much older, in looks and lifestyle. Honestly it was weird when she hung out with us. I'm sorry, it just was. I think I was around 28 or 29 around that time. They dated for six or eight months, met at work. She was divorced though at least LOL.

 

My marriage lacked nothing.

 

I don't believe you, and this statement makes me doubt the whole story.

[bubbaganoosh]

What a way to destroy a marriage. Look. You know it's wrong. I know it's wrong and so does everybody posting here but in case you don't know this, You are a easy piece to this guy. You both know that it won't work and being that he's half your age, sooner or later he's going to get tired of you and move on. It's natural. Some young chick is going to come by and give him a nod and a wink and "POOF" he's off to the races with her. meanwhile you going to feel the hurt and soon after come to realize that he used you for sex and nothing more.

 

One more thing, sooner or later the truth does come out and the man you have been stabbing in the back for lord knows how many years will finally come out of the coma he's been in and you will get exactly what you deserve and you will have no one to blame but yourself. And your boy toy will not give you a bit of comfort. He'll be too busy with the other girl. I hope you are prepared for a real life changing experience if your husband find out. Being a middle aged woman in he 50's, choices are limited.

[whichwayisup]

I continued the affair again simply because I am in love with him. My husband does not suspect any more though he is a bit uncomfortable as I still work with this guy. But I have convinced my husband that all is ok.

 

No your H is suspicious, much more than you realize! He just isn't voicing his concerns in a way that you 'get it'. Hello, his way of letting you know he is suspecting is him telling you he is uncomfortable with you working with OM. You can lie and betray, minimize and gaslight him (deny and convince him there is no affair going on) all you want but HE KNOWS. He will just wait it out to confirm his gut instinct.

 

Question is, why are you doing this to him? If you truly are in love with someone else, that OM, then come clean and tell your H. You say your kids are older now so why stay in a marriage with someone you don't love and certainly don't respect. You're wasting your life and your H's life by staying.

[BradJacobs]

I'm just really really scared of hurting my husband any further. What he doesn't know can't hurt surely.

Yes I have money. And I guess we could move in together but I really don't want to admit to my husband what I have done. It will kill him. He really doesn't deserve it. Yet I can't stop seeing this guy because we make each other so very happy. We've tried splitting up and we just end up utterly depressed.

So someone is being hurt here?

 

You can't have it both ways. Either the truth will kill your husband or he'll be okay.

 

Grow up.

[harrybrown]

Somehow your husband will find out. Your fun will continue to devastate your husband. Tell him the truth, and if you can't respect him and stop, get a divorce, so your husband can find someone that really loves him. All the energy you are putting into the fantasy affair, is not being spent on your husband or your marriage. Let your husband find a young 26 year-old so that he can try to move past you stabbing him in the back and tearing his heart out. Would you like it if he were having the affair?

 

 

If you can't divorce him or tell him the truth, set him free with an open marriage, but do not continue to twist the knife in his back.

[RedRobin]

The most hilarious part of this thread is the hypocritical advice and finger wagging given by a few self-acknowleged PUAs who would think nothing about flipping this dynamic if the situation were reversed. (ie 50 yr old man and 26 yr old woman). To them, that is 'normal'

 

So, my advice is ignore the advice of those types...

 

My advice is directed toward the affair part. You are effectively robbing your husband from free choice. If he is so happy with this arrangement, then just bring it out in the open.

 

Odds are, he won't be happy with the arrangement though.

 

Anyone who has come to me with this kind of disclosure IRL, I always ask them, "How would you like this to end??" Because it will. I'm guessing you must have some other accomplices in this? I know of very few people who can keep that kind of secret from everybody.

 

Whenever a married man has approached me for a possible affair (and I've come across quite a few). I say "meh, I'll think about it. Lets meet with your wife and see what she says. How about we call her right now?"

 

The look of horror on their face is priceless when I say that.

Edited September 16, 2013 by RedRobin

[jlola]

What a way to destroy a marriage. Look. You know it's wrong. I know it's wrong and so does everybody posting here but in case you don't know this, You are a easy piece to this guy. You both know that it won't work and being that he's half your age, sooner or later he's going to get tired of you and move on. It's natural. Some young chick is going to come by and give him a nod and a wink and "POOF" he's off to the races with her. meanwhile you going to feel the hurt and soon after come to realize that he used you for sex and nothing more.

 

One more thing, sooner or later the truth does come out and the man you have been stabbing in the back for lord knows how many years will finally come out of the coma he's been in and you will get exactly what you deserve and you will have no one to blame but yourself. And your boy toy will not give you a bit of comfort. He'll be too busy with the other girl. I hope you are prepared for a real life changing experience if your husband find out. Being a middle aged woman in he 50's, choices are limited.

 

 

I agree her cheating with anyone is wrong, regardless of age. But what I see is people insulting her for the age difference as much as the affair. yet, there are tons of younger women involved with much older men and having affairs and age is rarey taken in when giving advice.

 

I do believe an age difference of 10+ years is too much for any gender. While people are still relatively young, you do not see it. But we all have parents and relatives who are about 20 years lder than we are and most of us in our 30's and 40's would not look at them as viable partners. People in 40's and 50's can look great. But when you are in your 40's or 50's married to someone who is 26 years older that is rough.

 

this woman is one of the very few I have seen who really looks 20 years younger than her actual age at 46. most others are fooling themselves.

 

I have seen her IRL. honestly thought she was a woman in her early 20's till I figured out who she was.

 

 

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[salparadise]

You're in denial. You're not in love, you're in lust and it's more akin to a drug addiction than love. He makes you feel young and desirable, and you find that ego trip so irresistible that you're choosing to embrace the fantasy and make it your reality for the moment. This bubble is going to burst, sugga, and life's not going to look so rosy as you deal with the realization that you traded the potential for a great reality for a short-lived fantasy and sexual gratification. I don't think you're going to listen to anyone here because you've swallowed the hook. Brace yourself... it's not going to end well.

[underwater2010]

Just to clarify....I dislike seeing 50 yr old men with 20 something girls also. It reeks of dating your kids friends. I have never understood it and never will.

[gaius]

Age gaps are becoming the new thing that isn't tolerated. As gay relationships become more accepted it seems people are getting less tolerant of other stuff there's no reason to be intolerant of. Except it not being the haters personal preference. If you two are into each other then good for you.

My advice is directed toward the affair part. You are effectively robbing your husband from free choice. If he is so happy with this arrangement, then just bring it out in the open.

 

Odds are, he won't be happy with the arrangement though.

I don't know if that's true. It's rare someone can get away with cheating without the partner knowing somethings going on or there being no signs whatsoever. Sometimes they just choose to ignore them/it. She even told him she was a cheater outright and he took her back. So on some level he's OK with it. They all seem to be existing in the place they want to be.

 

I hope if I ever get that weak someone rides rough shot over me to teach me a lesson.

[RedRobin]

I don't know if that's true. It's rare someone can get away with cheating without the partner knowing somethings going on or there being no signs whatsoever. Sometimes they just choose to ignore them/it. She even told him she was a cheater outright and he took her back. So on some level he's OK with it. They all seem to be existing in the place they want to be.

 

I hope if I ever get that weak someone rides rough shot over me to teach me a lesson.

 

I know of a couple men (and one woman) who squeeze in a little extra around work hours. Going a little early, lunchtime, maybe a later evening now and then.

 

They have the kind of jobs that require long hours and a lot of juggling, so it is easy for them.

 

They 'screen' their affair partners carefully... as in, no psychos... For sure, though, their spouses don't know. How do I know?? Because they approached me for that deal... and I suggested we call the wifey and they weren't keen on that.

 

I ended a friendship with a woman I met in my ballet class who insisted on sharing the details of her affair with me after I tried to get her to quit it... I told her I wasn't going to be an accomplice and if she mentions it to me once more, I'm telling her H.

 

I work with the other guys. Funny the things people share with you when you stay quiet and pretend not to be disgusted. They think you agree with them, I guess. Here's the other thing too... if the spouse is having all or most of their emotional needs met, then why would they have a reason to suspect??

 

These people I mention above... they are very attentive to their spouses. They don't want a divorce. They just want some on the side without asking or clearing it with their spouse...

 

Because that would mean their spouse would be able to go look for some action too, or they'd have to confront whatever it is in their relationship isn't working... so no, I don't believe their spouses know. Some people are just that trusting.

Edited September 18, 2013 by RedRobin

[FitChick]

Perhaps the OP makes more money than her husband and he doesn't want to lose his lifestyle. Plenty of spouses look the other way because it suits them.

 

It would be pretty funny if the husband has been having an affair and this would make it that much easier for him to continue. You never know...