I think I'm ready for the end now

[WrinkledForehead]

I told MM before he left on vacation that I didnt want to be the OW. Since then, Ive viewed our R as the primary, and contact with her has been strained. In the week and a half before he left, he saw her for an hour one night. And she gave him a ride to the train station. This was intolerable for me and I said as much. I was repulsed by the thought of him giving her some dry kiss goodbye (he's compared her kiss to that of an aunt. It's always been dispassionate) immediately after leaving me, still smelling of me. So I refused to see him the night before he left. :/ it killed me, but I put my foot down. He had other options besides that.

 

He's gone for 10 days. Today is day 2.

 

Three days before he left, he said he finally came to peace with his decision. He went to her for that hour partly to grab some things before the trip (she was supposed to go originally but did not, due to personal reasons) and he said also to see if he could just spit out the words that he was leaving her. He could not and did not.

 

He wrote me yesterday, saying many things. Part of his words were him saying I deserved his whole heart, body, and mind, and that he's annoyed with himself for not delivering. Prior to the trip I encouraged him to use the reprieve to heal (both of our sleeping and eating habits are pretty messed up at this point) his body and to find some inner peace. I'm using the time to do the same: the homestead is 100% in order, I'm focusing on my studies, and I need to plan some time to drop off job apps (my summer seasonal job ended and I only have my part time job as a lab assistant).

 

But when he gets back...

 

Because she dropped him off at the train station she'll definitely pick him up. It disgusts me, really. It shouldn't, but it does. I think because I know his mindset that its a huge turn off. He isn't in love with her, and does this out of habit of the many years they've done this.

 

Why didnt he just tell her in that hour? Why not on the way to the train station? We're all sick of it at this point. Why not relieve the stress by letting healing begin for everyone?

 

So, this is a forced LC situation.

 

He knows I won't be OW. He knows he has to end that situation. Part of me wants to put my foot down and say no. Freaking. More. A lot of me wants to tell him to be done within a week of getting home. I've not want to set a direct ultimatum ("it's her or me") but my ultimatum lies within my self respect. I deserve more, I can *have* more. I know I'm lovable. I've stayed because I believe in us and in our love, but he's had time.

 

I want to hold him to his word that he's leaving her. A man is only as good as his word, after all, and if he can't man up and take the actions he says he needs to take, then I've little respect for him in the end.

 

How do I enforce this? Do I refuse to see him when he gets back? Like I said, I'm turned off by the act of him seeing her right now when he's told me all that he has about needing to leave her. And the distance via vacation (6000 miles away) will certainly benefit me in gathering strength while he's gone. I can only hope he takes a sincere look at himself and the mess we're in and figure himself out. I know that's what I have to do as well.

[bentleychic]

If you really want it over, I suppose the only thing to do is go NC and block every method of contact possible.

 

I, personally, don't think you're really ready for it to be over, yet. I think you're very frustrated (understandably) and are hoping if you attempt to end it, it will be enough to push him in to deciding to leave. I may be wrong, though.

 

I hope, for your sake, that you are able to do whatever you need to in order to have closure, healing or happiness (or all!!!).

[WrinkledForehead]

If you really want it over, I suppose the only thing to do is go NC and block every method of contact possible.

 

I, personally, don't think you're really ready for it to be over, yet. I think you're very frustrated (understandably) and are hoping if you attempt to end it, it will be enough to push him in to deciding to leave. I may be wrong, though.

 

I hope, for your sake, that you are able to do whatever you need to in order to have closure, healing or happiness (or all!!!).

 

Over as in the affair is over. Not over as in our R is over. He's said he's leaving her. It's been 2 weeks since he told her he was unhappy. He's done some serious analyzing of their R since then and not only does he feel that he shouldn't be with her (his suppressed sexuality, her lack of support for his endeavors, etc) but that really, if she looked at it she shouldn't be with him either. He's never given his full self to her (look at the fact they don't live together after all this time, no marriage, etc). He's guarded closely his evenings alone and to himself. Even at their peaks, he's never spent more than 4 nights a week with her. He enjoys being alone rather than spend every night.

 

So, no. I don't want our R to end. Not at all. But I cannot remain in this situation as it is. I'm an attractive, intelligent, young, independent female. And he's right, and I'm right, in the fact that I deserve someone to myself.

 

I think my concern lies that he won't do it, that he'd drag it out. I considered not giving him some deadline, but keeping it more to myself, as my own deadline.

 

The affair has got to end and he and I both know this. I'm just really unsure of how to proceed. I understand he's needed time to work through leaving someone he loves but isn't in love with, and understanding that ultimately its okay, that they both deserve their individual happiness even if that means parting ways. I more than know that it takes a bit of time. He's been forthcoming enough with where his mind is. He came to me and told me he reconciled his emotions with his mindset (he's said for some time that he knew he had to leave her). I get it. As much as I believe his words, he knows that he needs to act on them. And I truly cannot tolerate his pretending to maintain that R (however f***** it is at this point) while professing he loves me and will be with me.

 

I'm tired of waiting. I won't do it forever.

[bentleychic]

I understand. So do you think you'll do an ultimatum, as in, A ends and it becomes a real relationship or it's over?

 

I wish you luck and peace, whatever you decide.

[WrinkledForehead]

I understand. So do you think you'll do an ultimatum, as in, A ends and it becomes a real relationship or it's over?

 

I wish you luck and peace, whatever you decide.

 

Yes. That's been the understanding all along, that it would reach that point. He's knows I'm not content being a forever mistress. I'm not. He knows, as I said, that I desire what most single people desire in a partner: someone's whole heart, body, and mind.

 

As much as I love this man, I love myself more. I see the destruction caused by A's, I see how hurt everyone is because of this, and I want the pain to end, no matter what that takes. BS doesn't deserve the heartache she's dealt with because of his increasing distance these last 6 months, I don't want him to be a man torn between two women, and I don't want to spend any more nights crying because the man I love is still with another woman. All of us need to start healing. That's so important.

[Goodbye]

Wrinkle, I understand your upset and frustration. And yes, of course you deserve better. Your MM says you deserve a man all to yourself, and the skeptic in me wonders if this is his way of saying "I can't give you all of me, you are free to move on, I just can't tell you to do so directly." I believe that is what my exMM did with me. He kept putting off leaving his wife and then starting telling me how wonderful I am and how I deserve so much more.

 

Do you think you have the foundation to be with this man? How long has your A been and under what circumstances? Does he have young kids? Has he told his wife there is someone else? Does she suspect anything?

 

You have a few options, none all that much "fun." You can give him the directive to ONLY contact you if he has separated/divorced and go NC. You can end it and block him entirely, go to counseling and force yourself to move on. And yes, you can tell his wife, causing a forced D-Day, which will either expedite his divorce or create a final chapter in your A...not a great option, but an option nonetheless.

 

Bottom line is...treat yourself well. Use the time he is gone to do things for yourself. Do things you put on the backburner because of this covert relationship. Pamper yourself, go out with friends. Remind yourself of your value. Surround yourself with people who know you well and care about you. You just may find that after his 10 day vacation, YOU are the one who doesn't care if he leaves his wife.

 

Hang in there.

[velvette]

Again with these odd word choices. He's annoyed with himself ??!! Is that his description of his feelings or yours? Because, its a darned strange choice of words imo.

Shouldn't he be disgusted or repulsed like you are by what he's doing?

 

What are his reasons for not being able to end this relationship?

 

I hate to say it, but I think you will have bigger problems if he does leave. It seems glaringly obvious at least to me that he has commitment issues based on the R he has with her. If so, you will see that played out with you. In fact, that may be whats really going on here. If he ends it with BS who is apparently ok with no/low commitment, then he has to deal with your desire for a much stronger commitment.

[ComingInHot]

velvette, my thoughts exactly! He said he was "annoyed" w/himself?!? How about repulsed, sick, torn up inside w/himself.

I get "annoyed" w/myself if I don't get dinner ready when I think I should, or forget something at the office, or forget to pay a bill before it's due...

Wrinked, "annoyed"?? Over what? His realizing that his cake-eating days are coming to an end? His Knowing he finally as to deal w/the realties this A is going to cost him?? I just have a hard time buying he is annoyed w/simply leaving his Wife...

[WrinkledForehead]

Wrinkle, I understand your upset and frustration. And yes, of course you deserve better. Your MM says you deserve a man all to yourself, and the skeptic in me wonders if this is his way of saying "I can't give you all of me, you are free to move on, I just can't tell you to do so directly." I believe that is what my exMM did with me. He kept putting off leaving his wife and then starting telling me how wonderful I am and how I deserve so much more.

 

Do you think you have the foundation to be with this man? How long has your A been and under what circumstances? Does he have young kids? Has he told his wife there is someone else? Does she suspect anything?

 

You have a few options, none all that much "fun." You can give him the directive to ONLY contact you if he has separated/divorced and go NC. You can end it and block him entirely, go to counseling and force yourself to move on. And yes, you can tell his wife, causing a forced D-Day, which will either expedite his divorce or create a final chapter in your A...not a great option, but an option nonetheless.

 

Bottom line is...treat yourself well. Use the time he is gone to do things for yourself. Do things you put on the backburner because of this covert relationship. Pamper yourself, go out with friends. Remind yourself of your value. Surround yourself with people who know you well and care about you. You just may find that after his 10 day vacation, YOU are the one who doesn't care if he leaves his wife.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks. The A has been going on for 6 months. He isn't legally married, they don't live together, no kids or shared finances. They do have an emotional bond of 15 years. Despite all of the above, he did once promise this woman he'd be with her forever, and he's realized that he cannot sustain or keep that promise.

 

Yes, we both believe we have the makings of a strong foundation. We communicate our feelings and current standings, we are able to work through any problems that have arisen. We get along fabulously. We support each other and encourage each other, are there when the other needs a friend. We share stories and hopes and dreams, view life in much of the same way, and speak of building a life together.

 

I don't believe he's stringing me along. I believe he has been a very confused man who made a poor choice (the A, rather than tackling issues in his R long ago) and is now recognizing his faults and the mess he is in, the mess we're all in now. I think he's come to terms with a lot of his issues surrounding that R and he knows that because of his choices not to deal because he'd hurt her feelings, he's broken that R in a huge way. Sucks to be him!! And I don't mean that in a cruel way; he's had a rough awakening to his faults. He chose that awakening, and now he's been taking a hard look at himself.

 

Whatever I decide, to maintain contact when he returns or not, if I chose any of your options listed it would be the first, to tell him I'd not be available until he ends it. He has said that is what he will do. I'm convincing myself that it is okay to hold him to that, and hold myself to the fact that I said I won't be OW anymore.

[WrinkledForehead]

Again with these odd word choices. He's annoyed with himself ??!! Is that his description of his feelings or yours? Because, its a darned strange choice of words imo.

Shouldn't he be disgusted or repulsed like you are by what he's doing?

 

What are his reasons for not being able to end this relationship?

 

I hate to say it, but I think you will have bigger problems if he does leave. It seems glaringly obvious at least to me that he has commitment issues based on the R he has with her. If so, you will see that played out with you. In fact, that may be whats really going on here. If he ends it with BS who is apparently ok with no/low commitment, then he has to deal with your desire for a much stronger commitment.

 

 

That's his descriptions of his feelings, and I chose to extract that one portion from the very long and much more detailed email he sent me. His feelings overall are far more than annoyed with himself for not doing what he knows he has to do. He's beaten himself up plenty for it. Maybe he should lash himself another 50 times, I don't know.

 

There are reasons he hasn't ever fully committed to her that don't impact our R. He is very aware that I will demand much more than she ever has. I've stated as much very plainly to him.

[velvette]

That's his descriptions of his feelings, and I chose to extract that one portion from the very long and much more detailed email he sent me. His feelings overall are far more than annoyed with himself for not doing what he knows he has to do. He's beaten himself up plenty for it. Maybe he should lash himself another 50 times, I don't know.

 

There are reasons he hasn't ever fully committed to her that don't impact our R. He is very aware that I will demand much more than she ever has. I've stated as much very plainly to him.

 

Well, anyone who has commitment issues can trot out reasons why they haven't committed to anyone and this is not a young man. This is a middle aged man who it seems from your description has lived without committing to anyone other than in the ways that made him feel comfortable........i.e. ways that gave him the appearance/comfort/feeling of being committed without doing any of the hard work commitment requires.

 

You didn't say the reasons he can't/won't end things decisively with her.

 

This man is showing you who he is and how he deals with things. I would take a really hard look at whether or not his way of navigating life is compatible with mine.

 

I don't think ultimatums are useful when given to others. We can only control ourselves. His behavior may change if you do something different but there is no guarantee of that. In this like any other situation, you need to decide what you want, whats acceptable/whats not, communicate that and then take actions that back up your words.

[WrinkledForehead]

Well, anyone who has commitment issues can trot out reasons why they haven't committed to anyone and this is not a young man. This is a middle aged man who it seems from your description has lived without committing to anyone other than in the ways that made him feel comfortable........i.e. ways that gave him the appearance/comfort/feeling of being committed without doing any of the hard work commitment requires.

 

You didn't say the reasons he can't/won't end things decisively with her.

 

This man is showing you who he is and how he deals with things. I would take a really hard look at whether or not his way of navigating life is compatible with mine.

 

I don't think ultimatums are useful when given to others. We can only control ourselves. His behavior may change if you do something different but there is no guarantee of that. In this like any other situation, you need to decide what you want, whats acceptable/whats not, communicate that and then take actions that back up your words.

 

I did state the reason he has a hard time leaving: he's leaving a woman that he does love. They've had 15 years together. I'd question his commitment issues if he'd just up and walked 6 months ago when he met me.

 

The issues he has in his R as far as speaking on his own happiness & suppressing himself to not rock the boat are things he is dealing with independently in IC.

 

The ultimatum is not for him and it never has been, but because of our R it is. Does that make sense? It's an ultimatum for me, not directly for him. It calls attention to my own demands of having enough respect for myself to say I won't do this to myself anymore.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, and this could be part of the problem, does he view the affair as a real relationship or as just an affair and then he has his partner of 15 years of his primary relationship? You really don't know for sure. I know you view it as a relationship and not an affair but do to the circumstances, it is an affair.

 

 

Why didnt he just tell her in that hour? Why not on the way to the train station? We're all sick of it at this point. Why not relieve the stress by letting healing begin for everyone?

 

That's awful. It's one thing to 'think' of doing, but to actually do? You hoped he would break up with her, end it all ON the way to the train station? That is NOT the way to end a 15 year relationship! He'd be a real ass.hole if he did that to her especially since she drove him to the station.

 

Anyway, this is out of your hands. You have no control over what he thinks or feels. Maybe he's changed his mind, maybe he isn't sure what he wants after all.

 

Give him space when he comes back and focus on you and your life. Use this time while he's away to detach and put him out of your head as much as you can, this way when he's back you're not running to his side and pushing him to end it with her or make him decide asap who he wants to be with.

 

You push him it'll just make him clam up and he'll do nothing except give you lip service of what he knows he should do but won't.

 

His actions do not meet his words and promises, that's a fact.

[letmoc]

Sitting around being consumed with his relationship is going to get exhausting. And when you spend more time analyzing a relationship then having one he's not the one.

[WrinkledForehead]

The thing is, and this could be part of the problem, does he view the affair as a real relationship or as just an affair and then he has his partner of 15 years of his primary relationship? You really don't know for sure. I know you view it as a relationship and not an affair but do to the circumstances, it is an affair.

 

 

 

 

That's awful. It's one thing to 'think' of doing, but to actually do? You hoped he would break up with her, end it all ON the way to the train station? That is NOT the way to end a 15 year relationship! He'd be a real ass.hole if he did that to her especially since she drove him to the station.

 

Anyway, this is out of your hands. You have no control over what he thinks or feels. Maybe he's changed his mind, maybe he isn't sure what he wants after all.

 

Give him space when he comes back and focus on you and your life. Use this time while he's away to detach and put him out of your head as much as you can, this way when he's back you're not running to his side and pushing him to end it with her or make him decide asap who he wants to be with.

 

You push him it'll just make him clam up and he'll do nothing except give you lip service of what he knows he should do but won't.

 

His actions do not meet his words and promises, that's a fact.

 

Spot on. You're right. Completely right.

[WrinkledForehead]

Sitting around being consumed with his relationship is going to get exhausting. And when you spend more time analyzing a relationship then having one he's not the one.

 

we've spent far more time in the last 6 months having an R than analyzing anything. This last month has been focused on analyzing. If I didnt look at what I want, and he didnt look at what he want, then we'd likely not have gotten to this point, him ready to leave her.

[whichwayisup]

Spot on. You're right. Completely right.

Thanks.

 

Now, what I want you to do is call your women friends, get out and have fun! Forget him for now and just live your life.

 

I know you're hurting and all but don't let this ruin you.

[whichwayisup]

we've spent far more time in the last 6 months having an R than analyzing anything. This last month has been focused on analyzing. If I didnt look at what I want, and he didnt look at what he want, then we'd likely not have gotten to this point, him ready to leave her.

 

How much is this actually true? Do you know for fact that he has spoken to her? Have you seen any type of proof other than what he's told you?

 

Some men are VERY good at lying and are skilled at manipulating. He may truly mean everything he says to you when he's with you but as soon as he's out the door and back with his gf, he means the stuff he feels and says with her as well. You really don't know unless you're a fly on the wall.

 

You've known him less than a year and she has 15 years with him so don't assume you know him 100%.

[WrinkledForehead]

How much is this actually true? Do you know for fact that he has spoken to her? Have you seen any type of proof other than what he's told you?

 

Some men are VERY good at lying and are skilled at manipulating. He may truly mean everything he says to you when he's with you but as soon as he's out the door and back with his gf, he means the stuff he feels and says with her as well. You really don't know unless you're a fly on the wall.

 

You've known him less than a year and she has 15 years with him so don't assume you know him 100%.

 

This is true. I believe it mostly because of his actions in the last two weeks. He's gone from spending 3-4 nights a week with her to none. I know this to be entirely true because he's asked to come see me or vice versa every night, with the exception of the night before he left. Even then I know he wasn't with her. He sent me a text at 230 in the morning and I responded at 430 by calling his home phone, which he answered. I believe in the words that he says. Trust and honesty are fundamental parts of our R. If I couldn't trust him, if I felt he was dishonest, I wouldn't be looking at him as a mate.

[xxoo]

Whatever I decide, to maintain contact when he returns or not, if I chose any of your options listed it would be the first, to tell him I'd not be available until he ends it. He has said that is what he will do. I'm convincing myself that it is okay to hold him to that, and hold myself to the fact that I said I won't be OW anymore.

 

That sounds like a step in the right direction. It will either motivate him to do what he needs to do (freeing you to be together in full), or it won't--and if it doesn't, you can feel certain nothing will (freeing you to move on)

[Red Wolverine]

Thanks. The A has been going on for 6 months. He isn't legally married, they don't live together, no kids or shared finances. They do have an emotional bond of 15 years. Despite all of the above, he did once promise this woman he'd be with her forever, and he's realized that he cannot sustain or keep that promise.

 

Yes, we both believe we have the makings of a strong foundation. We communicate our feelings and current standings, we are able to work through any problems that have arisen. We get along fabulously. We support each other and encourage each other, are there when the other needs a friend. We share stories and hopes and dreams, view life in much of the same way, and speak of building a life together.

 

I don't believe he's stringing me along. I believe he has been a very confused man who made a poor choice (the A, rather than tackling issues in his R long ago) and is now recognizing his faults and the mess he is in, the mess we're all in now. I think he's come to terms with a lot of his issues surrounding that R and he knows that because of his choices not to deal because he'd hurt her feelings, he's broken that R in a huge way. Sucks to be him!! And I don't mean that in a cruel way; he's had a rough awakening to his faults. He chose that awakening, and now he's been taking a hard look at himself.

 

Whatever I decide, to maintain contact when he returns or not, if I chose any of your options listed it would be the first, to tell him I'd not be available until he ends it. He has said that is what he will do. I'm convincing myself that it is okay to hold him to that, and hold myself to the fact that I said I won't be OW anymore.

 

Again, with the exception of yours not being married, your description of your affair is like reading mine.

 

Married or not, regardless of all the negatives they share, they also share an attachment. Guilt may have also finally caught up to him.

 

Despite everything his says, you're finally feeling the reality.....

 

No matter what he ever said about how wonderful everything is with you, your relationship doesn't meet all of his needs. He still gets something from her. The mere existence of that reality is startling. It doesn't have to make sense, it's the truth and it hurts.

 

The process of ending the affair compartment and bringing the affair into reality wakes many attached APs up. I assume they think.....what the hell am I doing? If an affair even gets to this point, many OWs get to see the effect of that....the selfishness of the cheater. In his mind, he's got the best of both worlds and now he's having to give up one. In his selfishness, it's not fair because it was working for him.

 

You're right that you have to put yourself first. I ended my affair for that reason. I did not want to be an OW. The affair was a means to an end and he knew that. I told him we had nothing without a future. Today we have nothing because we didn't have a future. It's not about time and circumstances. He had a timeline he defined and he didn't meet it. That leads to a word no one likes to hear in affairs...Choices. I chose to stay through his timeline. Gave him my all. Supported him, loved him, and put his needs first by waiting. He made a choice throughout the affair to stay in his marriage. Does it matter why? All the explanations yet all the hopes with me? Nope.

 

I will not be with a man who chooses to put himself ahead of everyone he proclaims to love. I deserve a man whose choices won't hurt me. A man who doesn't have to hurt another woman to be with me.

 

My self-respect is intact because, unlike him, I did what I said I would do. Stayed with him but, more importantly, ended it when the time came. You have to have your limit and you have to see it through.

 

At this point, you seem to recognize this yet you're starting to bargain with yourself. End of the affair yet still having contact? That meets HIS needs but still doesn't give you what you need. Please think about that. It really needs to be all or nothing. The fact that he won't give you that should concern you.

 

Him having her take him to the train station is telling. The mere fact that she took him tells me she doesn't believe it's over. He's still giving her hope. That's cruel.

 

Do you know for sure she's not with him on this trip?

[MissBee]

How do I enforce this? Do I refuse to see him when he gets back? Like I said, I'm turned off by the act of him seeing her right now when he's told me all that he has about needing to leave her. And the distance via vacation (6000 miles away) will certainly benefit me in gathering strength while he's gone. I can only hope he takes a sincere look at himself and the mess we're in and figure himself out. I know that's what I have to do as well.

 

In short: yes.

 

He knows what he needs to do and he will either do it or he won't.

 

You have no control at this point over his decision, but you do have control over enforcing yours.

 

Good luck!

[WrinkledForehead]

Again, with the exception of yours not being married, your description of your affair is like reading mine.

 

Married or not, regardless of all the negatives they share, they also share an attachment. Guilt may have also finally caught up to him.

 

Despite everything his says, you're finally feeling the reality.....

 

No matter what he ever said about how wonderful everything is with you, your relationship doesn't meet all of his needs. He still gets something from her. The mere existence of that reality is startling. It doesn't have to make sense, it's the truth and it hurts.

 

The process of ending the affair compartment and bringing the affair into reality wakes many attached APs up. I assume they think.....what the hell am I doing? If an affair even gets to this point, many OWs get to see the effect of that....the selfishness of the cheater. In his mind, he's got the best of both worlds and now he's having to give up one. In his selfishness, it's not fair because it was working for him.

 

You're right that you have to put yourself first. I ended my affair for that reason. I did not want to be an OW. The affair was a means to an end and he knew that. I told him we had nothing without a future. Today we have nothing because we didn't have a future. It's not about time and circumstances. He had a timeline he defined and he didn't meet it. That leads to a word no one likes to hear in affairs...Choices. I chose to stay through his timeline. Gave him my all. Supported him, loved him, and put his needs first by waiting. He made a choice throughout the affair to stay in his marriage. Does it matter why? All the explanations yet all the hopes with me? Nope.

 

I will not be with a man who chooses to put himself ahead of everyone he proclaims to love. I deserve a man whose choices won't hurt me. A man who doesn't have to hurt another woman to be with me.

 

My self-respect is intact because, unlike him, I did what I said I would do. Stayed with him but, more importantly, ended it when the time came. You have to have your limit and you have to see it through.

 

At this point, you seem to recognize this yet you're starting to bargain with yourself. End of the affair yet still having contact? That meets HIS needs but still doesn't give you what you need. Please think about that. It really needs to be all or nothing. The fact that he won't give you that should concern you.

 

Him having her take him to the train station is telling. The mere fact that she took him tells me she doesn't believe it's over. He's still giving her hope. That's cruel.

 

Do you know for sure she's not with him on this trip?

 

Your words comfort me.

 

No, I don't know 100% because I'm not in contact with her and I'm not with him at this moment. There is a reason that I do know she is not, and I even typed it all out. I decided to erase it though, as it gives too many details. For the sake of some level of discretion, I don't believe she is with him and I fully know the reasons she is not there. It's incredibly unlikely due to the last month's circumstances (which have nothing to do with me or the A or their R).

[WrinkledForehead]

Again, with the exception of yours not being married, your description of your affair is like reading mine.

 

Married or not, regardless of all the negatives they share, they also share an attachment. Guilt may have also finally caught up to him.

 

Despite everything his says, you're finally feeling the reality.....

 

No matter what he ever said about how wonderful everything is with you, your relationship doesn't meet all of his needs. He still gets something from her. The mere existence of that reality is startling. It doesn't have to make sense, it's the truth and it hurts.

 

The process of ending the affair compartment and bringing the affair into reality wakes many attached APs up. I assume they think.....what the hell am I doing? If an affair even gets to this point, many OWs get to see the effect of that....the selfishness of the cheater. In his mind, he's got the best of both worlds and now he's having to give up one. In his selfishness, it's not fair because it was working for him.

 

You're right that you have to put yourself first. I ended my affair for that reason. I did not want to be an OW. The affair was a means to an end and he knew that. I told him we had nothing without a future. Today we have nothing because we didn't have a future. It's not about time and circumstances. He had a timeline he defined and he didn't meet it. That leads to a word no one likes to hear in affairs...Choices. I chose to stay through his timeline. Gave him my all. Supported him, loved him, and put his needs first by waiting. He made a choice throughout the affair to stay in his marriage. Does it matter why? All the explanations yet all the hopes with me? Nope.

 

I will not be with a man who chooses to put himself ahead of everyone he proclaims to love. I deserve a man whose choices won't hurt me. A man who doesn't have to hurt another woman to be with me.

 

My self-respect is intact because, unlike him, I did what I said I would do. Stayed with him but, more importantly, ended it when the time came. You have to have your limit and you have to see it through.

 

At this point, you seem to recognize this yet you're starting to bargain with yourself. End of the affair yet still having contact? That meets HIS needs but still doesn't give you what you need. Please think about that. It really needs to be all or nothing. The fact that he won't give you that should concern you.

 

Him having her take him to the train station is telling. The mere fact that she took him tells me she doesn't believe it's over. He's still giving her hope. That's cruel.

 

Do you know for sure she's not with him on this trip?

 

Oh, and as far as ending the A but still having contact--the only context within which that would happen is if ours was the R he is indeed choosing.

 

Basically, he needs to sh** or get off the pot. He said he made his choice and came to peace with it (his choice to leave her). He's faced parts of his guilt and fears for the last two weeks.

 

I think a week after he gets home, when he's had time to catch up on work and settle in from the trip & catch up with jet lag, is plenty of time to also work out the rest of what he wants to say to her. Or not.

 

I'm demanding his actions match his words.

 

I think my confusion lies within whether or not I should let him know I've decided this. If I do he may ask for more time. Ive given him time. I like your bit about working on his timeline for so long. It's time to work on my own.

 

I also don't want to stress his vacation with this.

 

Thanks for helping to walk me through this. It helps a bit to talk it out.

[bentleychic]

It's vacation. It's not work, right? Screw "not stressing his vacation" with this. I'd tell him right now that he needs to take the relaxing time while he's there to decide what he wants and you expect an answer (and actions to support it) when he gets back. Period.

 

I'm in a show no mercy mood today, though.