I think I'm ready for the end now

[WrinkledForehead]

Can you clarify a few things, because not everything makes sense to me:

 

Originally you said that you had not been in a relationship for 3 years before MM. You said this in regards to being proof that you are ok with being alone. Then you said a year before you met up with your MM you went through a very bad breakup.

 

Your original thread you said he was leaving her on Friday because you couldn't tolerate being the OW. Then you changed your mind, and said you were going LC because he said that he didn't necessarily think a future with you was a guarantee. Then you went to being the OW again, and being OK with it... now you are back to saying you are not ok with it, now he has another deadline. What makes you for sure he is sticking to this one?

 

You also said that:

 

 

 

 

and then followed that with this:

 

 

 

So which is it? I guess they were at their peak when he met you?

 

I do think you should take the opportunity to focus on yourself and more importantly, your employment while he is gone. You mentioned your work situation right now, and frankly I am surprised you are getting by financially at all, especially with a couple of kids. I am assuming your part time lab assistant job is not associated with your schooling? You mentioned in another thread that you are still working on your BS; I know undergrads usually do not get paid for lab work, although they do get credits. My SO is in a STEM field that is running over in funds for their students, and even they don't pay their undergrads. It just sounds like you may have more important issues to focus on than worrying about this indecisive man.

 

And yes, my lab work is through the school and I do get paid. I do need work but I'm not desperate or scrambling. I'm focusing on finding work before I am desperate and scrambling.

[WrinkledForehead]

When you first posted with that firm statement - that he was leaving her - I was thinking I wanted to encourage you - as it appeared you might beat the usual odds. I was rooting for you back then because it seemed set with his firm plan to tell her.

 

I'm not one to encourage an OW - or to get her hopes up - but I found myself thinking this was going well for you.

 

But I admit now - it's been a few weeks - and his empty promises have been broken. He even lead you to believe he had told her that scheduled Friday when, in actuality, he hadn't. He even said they talked and cried most of that weekend. What the hell really happened - he was "pretending" he told her?

 

His lies seem to be growing. His promises seem to be getting delayed. His hurt to you seems to be more usual. THAT is not what love looks like!

 

And his truth seems to be harder to determine.

 

I wanted to think this would be "different" than the usual OW situation - but given the way it is playing out - he's just the usual cheating guy. He's full of lies, manipulation and pain to others.

 

He could end the drama IF he would just gain some courage and either end it with her OR you. But he hasn't. I think he believes you won't end it - but I hope you see YOU deserve better than a coward for a man.

 

I think he likes having two women - it's serves his needs. One woman who's been his stability for 15 years and another woman who he can dream with.

 

The reality is - he's a coward who doesn't want to give up both worlds... So he hurts both women while he gets eve thing HE wants.

 

That's the epitome of a selfish and self centered man. You may think he's not - but push comes to shove- HE still has both women doing what serves HIM best.

 

You usually come across as fairly abrasive, but this response is less so than the others, so I'll respond.

 

When he went to her 2 weeks ago, he didnt intend to lay it all out. He did intend on initiating the breakup by catching her up to speed, letting her know why he's been withdrawn. His therapist warned him that he wasn't ready to make a choice, but he went ahead and told her of his unhappiness. Since then, he realized he had a hard time, still, letting it go. He examined why. He went through the processes in a book called, "too good to leave, too bad to stay." When he finished it, coupled with therapy, and examined himself and his failings, he made up his mind.

 

I don't know why he didnt end it before he left. I don't understand that part. I don't understand some of what he's done. The rest he explains, how his mind works, and when I've asked, he lets me know what's going on in his mind and we've discussed it.

[WrinkledForehead]

Have you two talked about children? You're young and I take you want to have a baby. Correct if I'm wrong.

 

This guy is 49. Not that it's too old to, but he may not be interested in being a daddy.

 

This might have something to do with why he's dragging his feet ending it with his gf. You have high hopes and expectations, you want to get married and (possibly) have children.

 

Yes, we've discussed having a baby, and getting married. Not at any time soon, but in a few years. He is well aware that my kids and I are a package. There are reasons he hasn't ever married her or had kids with her that are unrelated to our R.

[WrinkledForehead]

It's clear you've heard from him and he told you what you wanted to hear. As much as he probably means what he's saying, it does come down to what actions he takes. It concerns me that he lets his girlfriend take him to the train station yet now claims it's completely over. I'm afraid you're being managed.

 

Ironically, my affair was the most honest relationship I ever had. We expressed ourselves freely, however he wasn't truly mine. He used to tell me he was mine. I made him stop. Accepting that was accepting less. I deserved more. You deserve more.

 

I told xMM good decisions aren't made, but rather realized. The right path comes to you. It's not always the path you want but it's still the right one. Sometimes that means walking the other way.

 

I really hope I'm wrong about the outcome with your situation. I have never taken pleasure from seeing most of the outcomes here. In fact, it's heartbreaking. What all cheaters of have in common is weakness. A select few find the strength and desire to make decisions and see them through.

 

I hope yours is one of the strong ones but it's not looking that way. Remember your needs and the needs of your children. You've done enough for this man. It's time for him to carry the load. It was always his to carry anyway.

 

Thank you, red. Thank you very much. You've been a great voice to hear during this.

[WrinkledForehead]

Wrinkled,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling like you will be mocked. I don't think it's most people's intentions, but since they have no emotional attachment to him/the situation, see it in a less optimistic light.

 

Based on what you've said about him and the situation, do I believe he is "different" and he is leaving and this is a match made in heaven? To be truthful, no. However, for your sake I hope I'm wrong.

 

I think you should stick to your guns though and allow him to do as he said he would. The ball is in his court and his actions will speak for themselves at this point. Please update us about what transpires.

 

Thanks, bee. I've kept in mind while posting here that most of the people on these boards have been tremendously hurt. I'm no stranger to forums. They're nice for perspective, insight.

 

I don't know that its a match made in heaven. We've talked about the obstacles we'll face, the low "success" rate of A's, sustainability. I hate to ascribe terms like special, soulmate, etc. It won't be easy. We know there's hard work ahead. We've already put forth work to building this as proper as we could in an improper situation.

 

Yeah. I believe in us. Red is right; our Rs do sound a lot alike.

 

The only next step is action. That's all that's left.

[velvette]

Thanks, bee. I've kept in mind while posting here that most of the people on these boards have been tremendously hurt. I'm no stranger to forums. They're nice for perspective, insight.

 

I don't know that its a match made in heaven. We've talked about the obstacles we'll face, the low "success" rate of A's, sustainability. I hate to ascribe terms like special, soulmate, etc. It won't be easy. We know there's hard work ahead. We've already put forth work to building this as proper as we could in an improper situation.

 

Yeah. I believe in us. Red is right; our Rs do sound a lot alike.

 

The only next step is action. That's all that's left.

 

I'm sorry you feel you are being mocked. Some people use sarcasm to make a point and everyone's advice will be colored to some extent by their own experiences. That being said, experience is often everything in many life situations. Sometimes, the advice that makes us the most uncomfortable is the one we should be listening to the most.

 

Anywho, so now you are waiting for him to take action(once again it must be noted) and hopefully he will. I think he may be managing you so he can enjoy his vacation in peace but who knows.

 

The important thing is whether or not you have a plan to see you through another failure to take action if he doesn't live up to his promises.

[WrinkledForehead]

I'm sorry you feel you are being mocked. Some people use sarcasm to make a point and everyone's advice will be colored to some extent by their own experiences. That being said, experience is often everything in many life situations. Sometimes, the advice that makes us the most uncomfortable is the one we should be listening to the most.

 

Anywho, so now you are waiting for him to take action(once again it must be noted) and hopefully he will. I think he may be managing you so he can enjoy his vacation in peace but who knows.

 

The important thing is whether or not you have a plan to see you through another failure to take action if he doesn't live up to his promises.

 

I suppose the only good plan would be NC at that point.

[bentleychic]

The day he married his wife, he ALSO gave his 'word' in the form of a vow that he'd have no others before her.

 

Well, he didn't exactly keep his word on that as you can plainly see.

 

So you already know he's not a man of his word. Why should this be any different?

He's not married, nor living with that woman. It sounds like they're long term boyfriend/girlfriend from what the OP said.

[bentleychic]

Yeah, I don't get it. I'm wondering if he has commitment issues.

[2sunny]

I suppose the only good plan would be NC at that point.

 

Do you have a commitment from yourself - of how long you will wait for his action? Of how long you will allow it to stay as it is now without taking action yourself?

[WrinkledForehead]

Do you have a commitment from yourself - of how long you will wait for his action? Of how long you will allow it to stay as it is now without taking action yourself?

 

One week after he gets back. That gives a month since he began the beginning of the end. After that I suppose I stop responding to him.

 

Am I supposed to say something to him about that? This isn't his timeline anymore. I have to take control of my own timeline.

[WrinkledForehead]

I think OP is younger and the young card is powerful with men. However, OP wants a whole lot more than what this guy has given his current girl friend. Furthermore, she is a package with kids of her own, plans of marriage, and more children.

 

 

In the meantime the GF of the guy seems less demanding and low maintenance. This is ideal for a man that lacks commitment.

 

She aborted the one time she got pregnant.

 

She refused to move in with him when he bought his house, a few years into their R.

 

I am more demanding of time and commitment. He's aware of the wants and needs I have in an R. He says he wants the same things. Their R has played out differently than ours.

[2sunny]

What does the title of this thread mean: I think I'm ready for the end now

 

What was your intention when you typed it?

[WrinkledForehead]

What does the title of this thread mean: I think I'm ready for the end now

 

What was your intention when you typed it?

 

I'm ready for the end of the A. I want an R, or I need to be done.

[2sunny]

I'm ready for the end of the A. I want an R, or I need to be done.

 

Have you set a deadline (boundary) for yourself to see action?

[Calcmag]

I caution you about this info because it comes from him. Maybe he is the one that did not want her to move in. Unless you are a fly on the wall, you never know.

 

I always struggle when I see OW writing about how BW, or in this case the B partner, did such and such or said such and such and they know it for a fact.

It's an old quote but in these circumstances there always are 3 sides to the story - his side, her side and the one in the middle.

 

I've been the WS. I can't stress enough to OW/OM that during an A you should always remember that your MM/MW is lying in some way to almost everyone in their life, their BS, their kids, family, friends.

Don't for one minute think that they aren't capable of lying to you. They probably are lying to you, about some aspect of their M or the A, to a greater or lesser extent.

[WrinkledForehead]

Have you set a deadline (boundary) for yourself to see action?

 

No, I haven't. Suggestion?

[2sunny]

Looks like he's gone another week?

 

I'd give him 10 days - that way he has a few days to end it once he's back.

 

If he doesn't intend to end it - his deadline will pass with no action - then you have your answer.

 

If he respects you and intends to DO this - it will be done by YOUR deadline.

 

It's for you - the boundary allows you to take charge of what you can. It also allows you to understand fully if he's going to take action or not.

 

And it gives you an answer within a short period of time. That way you can move forward either way.

[WrinkledForehead]

Why did she refuse to move in with him? It doesnt make much sense to me, the way he is telling the story to you.

 

Have you still been in.contact with him sinve he proclaimed he will not see you until he is single? This declaration by him makes me very suspect.

 

Is it correct that she is not aware of you? Does she just think he's been spending time alone all these nights? And when you say he's recently "brought her up to speed", that.doesnt include telling her of his R with you, correct?

 

Just trying to get a clearer picture. I will say tho, the extent he is lying to her over and over signals a deep character flaw on his part, which I wonder how you reconcile yourself with.

 

At that point she was in her own home. He says she thought he was a slob. He's admitted as much, but I've seen his home over these 6 months and he is not messy anymore. She's wanted to live in her own space. He feels her past times are boring (watching cooking shows on TV, doing puzzles). That's part of the reason they've never spent most evenings together. She doesn't enjoy his activities and he doesn't enjoy hers.

 

She does not know of our R. I agree with this. He caught her up to speed as in let her know how unhappy he was in the R.

 

I understand I could very well be being deceived. I've known that and readily stated as much to him at certain points. I also believe he has actually been honest with me.

[WrinkledForehead]

Looks like he's gone another week?

 

I'd give him 10 days - that way he has a few days to end it once he's back.

 

If he doesn't intend to end it - his deadline will pass with no action - then you have your answer.

 

If he respects you and intends to DO this - it will be done by YOUR deadline.

 

It's for you - the boundary allows you to take charge of what you can. It also allows you to understand fully if he's going to take action or not.

 

And it gives you an answer within a short period of time. That way you can move forward either way.

 

That's the bare bones of what I've planned. Do I state as much to him?

[bentleychic]

Good luck, wrinkled. Stay strong. And yes, I would tell him what you expect and when and what you plan if it doesn't. Not as a threat, but a promise.

[2sunny]

That's the bare bones of what I've planned. Do I state as much to him?

 

Sure. He needs to know you have made a decision for yourself - to take care of yourself no matter what he does or doesn't do.

[shortee]

At that point she was in her own home. He says she thought he was a slob. He's admitted as much, but I've seen his home over these 6 months and he is not messy anymore. She's wanted to live in her own space. He feels her past times are boring (watching cooking shows on TV, doing puzzles). That's part of the reason they've never spent most evenings together. She doesn't enjoy his activities and he doesn't enjoy hers.

 

She does not know of our R. I agree with this. He caught her up to speed as in let her know how unhappy he was in the R.

 

I understand I could very well be being deceived. I've known that and readily stated as much to him at certain points. I also believe he has actually been honest with me.

 

Bolded part is a huge red flag. So he was messy until he met you 6 months ago? You realize his story is not adding up?

[2sunny]

I don't even think that is fair to her.

 

He is unhappy in the R? Then she thinks it's her. She thinks maybe she can change for him to become happier. That's just mean.

 

HE is unhappy because of himself! It's not anyone else's job to make OTHERS happy! That comes from within.

 

 

I caution you with this guy - since he's not happy - he has a LOT of work to do on himself. Ad that introspective work is best done on his own.

 

It just boggles me - a guy dumps his crap all over her - and what is she supposed to do with all his crap?

 

It's HIS to handle! And he looks like he's DOING no action to stop all his drama!

 

It is HIS responsibility to be happy - with or without another person. THAT has nothing to do wi her - and I hope she doesn't feel it is HERS to fix him!

 

 

And I hope YOU don't think he will be any different with you.

 

IF he's not happy - he's only offering you his unhappy self. On the inside - HE needs to change that for himself.

 

You can't do it for him - and neither can she.

[2sunny]

Have you ever met his GF?