I think I'm ready for the end now

[Quiet Storm]

Why do you believe him? Why so much faith in a person you have been with for less than six months?

 

The only reason I can think of is that your emotional involvement with this man is preventing you from putting his actions & words in perspective. You have a vested interest in the outcome of this relationship, so you may want to consider that your unconditional faith in him could be more about you- and less about him. I am concerned that you become emotionally invested too soon in relationships. You said you did not handle it well when a man you were dating rejected you, and stated that the relationship was not even serious. Be careful with this. You are a single mother and putting so much emotional investment in too soon is risky. I worry you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. It's one thing if you want to do that as a single person, but as a mother you must consider the impact that your emotions can have on your kids. They need you to be stable, reliable & capable.

 

The reason so many posts are warning you is because we are seeing clearly that his actions aren't making sense- and yet you are either not seeing it at all or pushing down those doubts because they are too uncomfortable to deal with right now.

 

Do you have a plan to deal with your emotions if he does not come through for you? I know you believe him, but in light of his history, it would be smart to mentally prepare yourself for a let down. What will you do to cope? How will you handle it differently than your last break up? How will you buffer the kids from your pain?

 

It's not only that his actions are not matching his words. His story just doesn't make sense. He's convinced you that he's slowly extracting himself from this relationship, and yet still gets a ride from her to the airport?

 

I don't see how you can respect this man after the way he has handled this. This is the way this man handles life & his problems. It's not circumstantial or situational- it's how he deals. These personality traits aren't going to disappear if he changes women, they will follow him wherever he goes.

 

Also, remember that giving an ultimatum won't work if you aren't capable of sticking to it. As I said before, you need to prepare yourself mentally for a letdown. If he keeps dragging his feet, and you extend the deadline because of unforseen circumstances, he will lose respect for you. He doesn't want to break up with this woman, or he would have done it, IMO. If he really wants to break up with her & is procrastinating because of fear, he's going to continue to push for more time. As long as you are continuing to be there for him by talking to him, there is no motivation for him to act because you are still available to meet his needs. Most men don't respond to b!itchin & complaining- they respond to action. And if you b!tch & complain but continue to stay with him, he will see that as acceptance and lose respect for you.

[xxoo]

That's the bare bones of what I've planned. Do I state as much to him?

 

He said that he will be single the next time you see him. Tell him that you are looking forward to seeing him as a single man. When he contacts you, ask if he is single, and if the answer is not an unqualified YES, then tell him to contact you when he is.

 

You can be sympathetic but firm. You know it is hard, but this is what is necessary for you to remain in his life.

[WrinkledForehead]

Bolded part is a huge red flag. So he was messy until he met you 6 months ago? You realize his story is not adding up?

 

Its not something he started doing only 6 months ago. I said I've seen how he maintains his home in the 6 months I've been with him.

[WrinkledForehead]

Have you ever met his GF?

 

Never. Nor do I have any desire to. I'd have an incredibly difficult time with that. The thought makes me quite ill, actually.

[WrinkledForehead]

For ease, because I'm mobile, I'll try to answer in one response.

 

I have agreed and we've discussed to keep the A a secret.

 

The reason I gave was the initial reason they did not move in together. There were 1-2 more offers throughout the years until they agreed to just stay living separately.

 

Their lack of mutual past times is only one example of why they don't spend as much time together as many couples, and only one reason he's examined as far as leading to issues in their R. There are others.

 

Yes, I have issues with getting emotionally invested too soon. It's something he's asked me about, and the reasons behind that will be, are being, personally explored in my own time and when I get into IC.

 

Lying. Yes. That's a big one, and something I've asked about and challenged him on. In general, he is not a liar. If one were to go to BS boards (which I have) I'd be chalked up to nothing more than a home wrecker, a whore, etc. I am not those things. I believe A's bring out some of the very worst qualities in people. He has not been inconsistent in anything he's told me. He feels guilt for lying to her. I see it in his face when he talks about it. I've read his body language enough to know that it makes him very uncomfortable.

 

I did not believe he would end it last Friday. I believed that he would tell her where his unhappiness lies, and he did. I was hurt because in his moments of his own pain, he was unable to reassure me of his intentions. Every moment outside of that he's maintained that he is leaving her.

 

In evaluating their R, he has not blamed much on her. Lack of support, yes. Sexual incompatibility? No. Lack of mutual interests? No. There is no blame to be laid. He's stated where he went wrong throughout the years and is working on those things in his IC.

 

I do not have a plan if he doesn't come through. As far as my children? They are not privy to mama's stressors, financial, emotional, or otherwise. They are far too little to deal with anything of the sort. My home has always been a place that is safe for them and I guard that as such.

 

I think that's everything.

[Calcmag]

Am I the only one who is finding this whole story to be increasingly odd ?

[bentleychic]

Meh...a lot of us are in odd situations. LOL Not much seems odd to me these days, but that may be because my situation is pretty odd, too. LOL

[Calcmag]

Meh...a lot of us are in odd situations. LOL Not much seems odd to me these days, but that may be because my situation is pretty odd, too. LOL

 

I spent a lot of time reading A boards like this one when I was having my A, lots of odd siuations for sure, but there's just something not sitting right about this story. There again I felt that way reading OP's previous thread too.

[shortee]

Its not something he started doing only 6 months ago. I said I've seen how he maintains his home in the 6 months I've been with him.

 

Regardless of the timing, it still is a red flag. It's more proof of what he says contradicting his actions.

[bentleychic]

I don't know about that. I used to not be such a good house keeper. I've improved tremendously in the past year. It's possible to change things like that.

 

It honestly sounds like boyfriend and his girlfriend were never really suitable as a real forever couple to begin with IF we're going by everything he's told the OP. I cannot imagine putting up w/ a relationship like that for so long as either the bf or the gf, but maybe it was enough for them to have separate lives that they just shared occasionally?

[bentleychic]

I cannot even imagine. I wouldn't put up with it that long, that's for sure. LOL Which makes me think he (or his gf, but from his current conflict avoidance behavior, I'd say him) has commitment issues.

[devilish innocent]

I seem to be noticing a pattern here. He tells you things you want to hear but doesn't follow through with action. Then he is scared to tell her things she doesn't want to hear, so he continues to tell her the things she wants to hear. I think at least part of what he says to you is just what he knows you want to hear. There might not be a fair amount of truth in it. But if it was the complete truth, don't you think he'd have left her by now?

[2sunny]

Why did he have her take him to the train station?

[truthbetold]

He's guarded closely his evenings alone and to himself. Even at their peaks, he's never spent more than 4 nights a week with her. He enjoys being alone rather than spend every night.

 

This doesn't jive with this:

 

She aborted the one time she got pregnant.

 

She refused to move in with him when he bought his house, a few years into their R.

 

I am more demanding of time and commitment. He's aware of the wants and needs I have in an R. He says he wants the same things. Their R has played out differently than ours.

 

Quiet Storm reiterated everything that I was trying to say much more succinctly! I am sorry if you feel attacked, and I'm sorry for the "book" I wrote you, I just wanted to be able to back up what I was seeing in your situation with tangible info. Not there's red flags period, but there's flags and here's why. but that may have overwhelmed you as I'm sure you're looking for positivity.

 

He just really seems like a someone with a huge KISA complex and they usually will target single moms whether it's a SG or a MM.

 

I understand that you wouldn't want every thing you posted to be picked apart but for your own protection, really understand is it that "he" prefers to have that alone time and that's going to cause a problem for you if you want a close relationship with a guy that goes into a man cave for days at a time. As I mentioned of course it's all starry eyed now, but think about 5-10 years when the "new" has worn off. What then? Or are you okay if this only lasts 5 or 10 years? You may well be and if that works for you, great. But if you are looking for more, please be cautious. Keep at it to find out the truth.

 

I too find it out that she left her husband then refused to move in, have a baby etc...Something does seem off with why they would co-exist like that for 15 years. As odd as that situation may be, it may be what he finds as his comfort level. It's going to be very hard for a guy that likes to be alone 4 nights a week with sporadic contact to go all intimate relationship right away. I just didn't want to see you caught up in that dysfunction. I really do wish you the best and am sorry if our interpretations of what you post cause you pain. I understand you will need to see this unfold on your own. So I wish you peace and lots of strength

[WrinkledForehead]

Why did he have her take him to the train station?

 

Habit, I suppose, but it pissed me off and he knows it. She asked him if she could, she always has on his trips, and since he hasn't broken up with her, he said yes. I think it was poor move and I let him know that.

 

And FTR, for some time I was a pretty terrible housekeeper myself. It is not even close to the same case any longer.

[WrinkledForehead]

This doesn't jive with this:

 

 

 

Quiet Storm reiterated everything that I was trying to say much more succinctly! I am sorry if you feel attacked, and I'm sorry for the "book" I wrote you, I just wanted to be able to back up what I was seeing in your situation with tangible info. Not there's red flags period, but there's flags and here's why. but that may have overwhelmed you as I'm sure you're looking for positivity.

 

He just really seems like a someone with a huge KISA complex and they usually will target single moms whether it's a SG or a MM.

 

I understand that you wouldn't want every thing you posted to be picked apart but for your own protection, really understand is it that "he" prefers to have that alone time and that's going to cause a problem for you if you want a close relationship with a guy that goes into a man cave for days at a time. As I mentioned of course it's all starry eyed now, but think about 5-10 years when the "new" has worn off. What then? Or are you okay if this only lasts 5 or 10 years? You may well be and if that works for you, great. But if you are looking for more, please be cautious. Keep at it to find out the truth.

 

I too find it out that she left her husband then refused to move in, have a baby etc...Something does seem off with why they would co-exist like that for 15 years. As odd as that situation may be, it may be what he finds as his comfort level. It's going to be very hard for a guy that likes to be alone 4 nights a week with sporadic contact to go all intimate relationship right away. I just didn't want to see you caught up in that dysfunction. I really do wish you the best and am sorry if our interpretations of what you post cause you pain. I understand you will need to see this unfold on your own. So I wish you peace and lots of strength

 

Thank you. I am sound enough of mind to know I could not continue this forever. And he knows that, too. So for now, yes. I give it some time.

 

I'm not headed for anything more than what we have now. There is much to work on before living together is even considered an option. And we've definitely discussed how big of a move that would be for both of us. After all, I've lived as a single woman with no adults cohabitating so its a tremendous move for me as well. That part of things will develop at its own pace, without rush, and much much consideration has been given to the children aspect of things.

 

We've talked about why they don't spend time together. We've found that we don't have the same issues as their R. It may happen in 5 years, and would be better paid attention to at that point, if that issue arises. It's not a problem for us and should we both continue our personal pursuits, as we plan to, it shouldn't be an issue then, either.

 

Bentley is spot on, from what I gather. They weren't miserable together but had a functional disfunctiona R.

[WrinkledForehead]

Surely you jest. Let's go over his history just from what you have told us:

 

He engaged in an affair with a married woman, which is pretty deceitful, no matter how you spin it. Then he continues this relationship with her, for the next 15 years, supposedly an ILYBNILWY relationship, that he does not tell her. Then he has a one night stand, yet another lie by omission. Then he starts an affair with you. Another lie. Opens up a secret FB account for you, and tells her that he has ED, and goes so far to tell her his doctor's appointment is concerning that. And when all is said and done you two have discussed lying to people about how your relationship started (save the 3 or 4 who already know). This is just what you have told us. Nothing of what you may have omitted, or what he may not have told you.

 

And you say in general he is not a liar? Well, in general he may not lie to you and say the sky is green when it is blue. And in general he may not be a compulsive liar. But he certainly lies a lot when it fits his needs. And these are not tiny, white lies, either. These are big, life changing, disconcerting... lies. All lies.

 

I asked this before, but do not recall an answer... So, has he ever had a relationship where he did NOT cheat?

 

She's the only one hes cheated on. He hasn't not been in love with her for the entirety of their R. He realized it around the time he had the one night stand.

[truthbetold]

Thank you. I am sound enough of mind to know I could not continue this forever. And he knows that, too. So for now, yes. I give it some time.

 

I'm not headed for anything more than what we have now. There is much to work on before living together is even considered an option. And we've definitely discussed how big of a move that would be for both of us. After all, I've lived as a single woman with no adults cohabitating so its a tremendous move for me as well. That part of things will develop at its own pace, without rush, and much much consideration has been given to the children aspect of things.

 

We've talked about why they don't spend time together. We've found that we don't have the same issues as their R. It may happen in 5 years, and would be better paid attention to at that point, if that issue arises. It's not a problem for us and should we both continue our personal pursuits, as we plan to, it shouldn't be an issue then, either.

 

Bentley is spot on, from what I gather. They weren't miserable together but had a functional disfunctiona R.

 

Yes, and gently I say, exactly, and he's 1/2 of that. He still will be who he is. It's magical thinking to assume the change in woman will change him. No doubt you have many wonderful qualities, but some guys like this don't necessarily want out of the dysfunction, it's how they cope. They wouldn't be comfortable in a real bonding relationship it would make them feel uneasy that there's expectations. I don't like how he's hurt you thus far and just excused it away.

 

I just see cause for concern because I believe you mentioned that he said he was happily unhappy or unhappily happy or something like that? He may want to make that change with all he has, he just may not be capable when he realizes the effort that he's going to have to make in order to change all of his poor coping skills. He may find it easier to coast with what he has known rather than make real changes. It's fun and easy to dream and talk about dreams and plans, but putting them into actual goals and making them a reality can be another story.

 

Honestly I am rooting for you. One way or another to come out of this stronger and better. It actually hurts me to posts my observations to you so I think I am best to just keep a prayer on your behalf that you find your truth and your path.

[bentleychic]

Honestly I am rooting for you. One way or another to come out of this stronger and better.

 

This is perfect and I agree.

 

I hope whatever happens, is the absolutely best possible outcome for you AND your children, whether that's with BF or without.

[2sunny]

I'm concerned his "habits" with her run far deeper than a ride to the train station.

 

Little things (such as this) are indicators of the bigger picture - and their dynamic that has worked for them long enough to spend 15 years together.

 

He isn't legally bound to her - yet HE won't end it - or even end those "little things".

 

Some men just won't pull the trigger to change - and I'm getting the feeling he is one of them. Or he's a conflict avoider - which is also VERY frustrating to be with someone that avoids conflict.

 

You did agree to this though, and that is a bummer for you - because you're getting what agreement you made. Being his secret is no way to live.

 

 

He probably thinks you'll ride this arrangement out as long as he hangs around.

 

So far he seems all talk and no action - since nothing is changing, nothing is changing. And that means his GF gets the idea that all is ok on their end too.

 

He's using two women and hurting them with lies and manipulation. I don't dig men that act that way. There's no way to respect them.

[2sunny]

She's the only one hes cheated on. He hasn't not been in love with her for the entirety of their R. He realized it around the time he had the one night stand.

 

Yet he didn't leave her. He has stayed all these years for a reason...and maybe those reasons work for him...?

 

Having someone "there" but little to no demands/expectations = a dream for some men that want to do their own thing.

[WrinkledForehead]

Thank you, Bentley & truthbetold. I always do come out stronger, no matter what. I appreciate the support in that regard.

[awkward]

Wrinkled You probably aren't ready to see his actions for what they are. Right now you believe his words because you want to. You want to believe him and you want to believe IN him.

 

Set your deadline. Tell him the drop dead date and then sit back and relax. I get the feeling that he is going to disappoint you. But I can also tell that you are strong and when you've had enough you will end it. Good luck.

[2sunny]

How are you doing WF?

[WrinkledForehead]

How are you doing WF?

 

I'm well. I've used his time away to focus on my life and my children, home, work, school, et cetera. I saw some friends yesterday, made a new one on campus. I'm very much taking care of me right now.