Tamday Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Please can someone send me in the right direction? I have been living with a wonderful man for 4 years now, we just got married 2 weeks ago. After living with several alcoholic abusers, I thought I found the man of my dreams. I am 45 years old. My stepdaughters husband found a letter in her closet and kept it for 3 weeks before he showed it to me. I can't go into all the details now because it is too painful. To put it mildly, it was not your normal father daughter letter. I haven't ate for 6 days now and I'm staying numb on xanax. But I know soon the anger will take over and I'm afraid of what I might do. Is there a special forum somewhere where women have been thru this? I'm going to counseling but he doesn't know what to tell me, apparently it's hard to get into see a phyciatrist here. Please someone out there help me before I do something crazy and go to prison. I have small grandchildren that need me. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 [font=courier new][/font][color=indigo][/color] Tamday? Are you saying your present husband and his daughter had a "thing"??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamday Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 Yes, that's what I'm saying. It's in writing. Do you think there is a forum for this kind of a problem? Maybe someone who's been there can help me thru this. I called a hopeline, they didn't know what to tell me, except to see a psychiatrist, that I can't get in to see till Jan.10th.! I've been doped up pretty much this week, but the pills are running out and I'm afraid of what I might do. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Do a search for an incest forum. Good luck. ~And call them and tell them that you are in serious need of an appointment ASAP, even if they have to put you on a cancellation list!!! Link to post Share on other sites
NowWhat Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Yes...it sounds like that is what she is saying. This is a situation where there is nothing to think about except getting out. There is no middle ground here and there is nothing to discuss. Your letter starts off describing your husband as a wonderful person which is clearly NOT the case. You must accept that this person has serious psychological issues and no matter what, you have to get out and get out fast. Don't think about anything but taking care of yourself and getting this marriage annulled. Get a lawyer ASAP. The lawyer will be able to help you with any legal ramifications. If your therapist says they don't know what to tell you to do then you need to find another therapist. I know it can be very expensive but some will see you on a sliding scale or will work something out. This is your emotional health and you have been through something very traumatic and need some real guidance. Do not do anything that will harm you in any way. Do not go after this man. He is sick and you cannot do anything that will make you feel better about this situation. You can only save yourself by cutting off all ties immediately. It's going to be very difficult not to let your anger get the best of you but remember what this man has already taken from you and do not allow him to take anythng more. Link to post Share on other sites
NowWhat Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Yes, they do have crisis counselors that will see you ASAP. Call them now. Look it up on Yahoo yellow pages and call a family crisis center or some place like that. If they can't see you, ask them to please suggest another place. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Crisis Helpline (for any kind of crisis) (800) 233-4357 http://www.raindrop.org/rugrat/hotlines.shtml http://www.smhp.psych.ucla.edu/hotline.htm Call the crisis helpline above and tell them that you need help NOW. Breathe. What happened with his daughter is over and you CAN deal with this. You have seen a letter, but you don't know all the facts. If you are afraid of your husband, leave the house. Go to family or friends or even a shelter. If you need to talk with him, make sure it is in a public place and that you have someone else there for you - ready to intervene. But I would wait to talk with him until after you have seen a counselor. For now you can just tell him that some information has come to you that has upset you and you need time to sort it out. Let him worry and wonder about it. You need to take care of your own body so that your mind and soul will have the strength to get through this. Eat a balanced diet -- force yourself. Take vitamins, drink water and get some exercise every day. You MUST do this for yourself, and your grandchildren. It is NOT the end of the world -- even though it may seem like it now. His daughter survived it and if she needs counseling and help - then the two of you can encourage each other. Perhaps make an ally out of the step-daughters husband. You need to begin developing a family support system too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamday Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 I'm so confused and numb. I have not had a good life and finally found this person after40 years. I can't let anyone know about this. I confronted him about it, letter in hand. First, he didn't remember writing it, then he said the words came out wrong. I just wish someone could read it and tell me what it means. This man has treated me like a queen for 4 years. I did eat some soup yesterday after 6 days but it came back up. The xanax are helping but I only have a few left. For those that don't know, they are a nerve pill and will keep you numb if you take enough of them, which I have. I just need to understand it. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 You have gotten some good advice already, I hope some of it will be useful to you. Here are a few thoughts from me: * This is horrible and very painful. I totally understand and sympathize with your shock and grief * This is not the end of your life. You have grandchildren to live for * Please do call a suicide/crisis hotline right away. They handle this sort of crisis. You haven't mentioned suicide, but it sounds that you are afraid of doing something violent to someone, and they can help with that * Here is a link to Ohio hotlines: http://suicidehotlines.com/ohio.html. * Or just call 1-800-SUICIDE / 1-800-784-2433. This works anywhere in the United States. Let me repeat: these hotlines handle family crises of the sort you are experiencing, not just suicide. We're just amateurs here. We care about you, and want you to get real help, so please call 1-800-784-2433 right now. Get off the computer, pick up the phone, ask for help. Give them a chance to help you. This is what your grandchildren would ask you to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamday Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 Please, I don't want to talk to anyone. Can I just send the letter to someone, anyone and get their opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 The opinions of amateurs is not going to help you. The hotlines are anonymous. If he is so good to you then perhaps there is another explanation for the content of the letter. You HAVE to talk to someone about this. You can type the letter here -- removing all personally identifiable information (names, locations, etc.) -- and people will give you their interpretations and opinions, HOWEVER, this is not going to help you clear your head and wrap your mind around the situation, it will only cause more confusion in your mind because of all the different interpretations. CALL a HOTLINE! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 It's very hard to get this kind of help via online. Hokey is right - this is not a situation where a lot of opinions are going to be helpful to you. It sounds as though you are worried about actually speaking this to someone. I sympathize with that. May I ask what exactly you are worried about? Is it... * crying * embarrassment * unable to talk * shame about it all * being judged * or something else? Please let us know so we can talk you through it. The people on hotlines are there because they want so much to help people just like you. They will not judge or criticize, they will just do their best to get you help. I suppose that if necessary, you could print out this thread and take it in with you when you visit a crisis center in person. Then just hand it to the counselor. Are any of those Ohio centers from my link close to you? Can you get to one of them today? Another idea...you can call the hotline and decide not to reveal all the details if they are too difficult to get out at first. You are in control of how much or what you say to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamday Posted November 23, 2004 Author Share Posted November 23, 2004 I called a couple of numbers. All of the above on talking about it. But I did it. They told me to call the nearest place which is this hopeline that I've called twice. Or- I could go to the ER and sit there for 8 hours. The daughters husband is calling me, and insinuating that he should show the letter to someone else. I have 2 sons and daughter in laws that live close. If he shows it to them, I know I won't be able to handle it. I found a place where I can get more pills off the street, so I'll be alright. This man has 20 copies of the letter. He's holding them over my head so I will go in and spy on her for him, he's trying to get custody of their child. I told him tonight that he's hurt me enough and I'm not going to play any of his games. So, now I just wait and see if he shows them to anyone. My husband gets home at midnight and I'm talking to him again. I have a sister in Texas I can go to. I can run or stay here in pain. I'm going to quit boring you people with it. Thanks for everything. This lady told me to go ahead and keep my appt. for Jan 10th! My God, if a person calls a hopeline, they can't wait till Jan. I can't afford the drugs. I've read the letter again, I don't think they have yet, he just wants to. Everyone we meet just goes on how we are the perfect couple. 4 years, no major arguements. blah blah blah. Like I said, he's everything I ever wanted in life. We've only been married 3 weeks. I just don't understand. Ok, I'm done. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 Tamaday, after the shock wears off then you will deal with this more effectively. Being in a drug induced stupor may help temporarily but when you come down it just hits you square in the face again. I hope you do call the hot lines. I feel your pain. It's like finding out your happily married only to find their is another woman involved. The humiliation the hurt the betrayal are all the same. I hope your talk with your husband gives you some relief and answers. Let all of us know you are coping and how things are going!?! You are in my thoughts and prayers! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 Tamday, congratulations on making the call! I understand that you have the choice to go to the ER or wait until January...that's not acceptable. Please call again and let the folks there know how you need help more urgently than this. It's possible that going to your sister's now would be helpful. You really need support, please keep trying until you get what you need. Call again and again, or try different numbers if you have to. And you're not boring us, we are here to help. Please keep posting so we can give you our support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamday Posted November 25, 2004 Author Share Posted November 25, 2004 I went to the emergency room today. They sent my counceler down to see me. I still cant' see a psyciatrist until December 14th. Better I guess then Jan.10th. They sent me home with more xanax. I'm not cooking thanksgiving dinner this year, I can't eat anyway and he doesn't deserve to. I made 19 phone calls yesterday to see if I could volunteer at a thanksgiving dinner at a church or somewhere, last call was the newspaper office. Anyway, noone is having one Like you know a free one for the underprivlidged or lonely or whatever. So, I guess I'm sitting here staring at him all day tomorrow. I thought if I could go help someone else, I could stand it tomorrow. I can't believe this. I let my counciler read the letter, he said there is no way it can be misconstrued to mean anything else. My husband gets very defensive if I bring it up now. I know he was hoping they would keep me in the hospital. Too bad he has to look at me all day tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 26, 2004 Share Posted November 26, 2004 I'm so glad your appt got moved up a month. That's due to you being persistent about asking for help. Your idea about volunteering was great, I'm sorry you couldn't find an event going on. And you let your counselor read the letter, and he has given you his professional opinion about it, which no doubt is extremely hurtful to hear. Still, you now have information, rather than just torturous thoughts swirling around in your head. Any chance of going to your sister's? And I'm really proud of you...I know that reaching out and asking for help was incredibly hard. You did it. You're stronger than you think. Please keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamday Posted December 7, 2004 Author Share Posted December 7, 2004 Through my coucilers(I need to learn to spell that word since I use it so much!), advice, went to the ER. They sat me on a bed for 7hrs. Signed me into the psych ward, took my cigs and purse and locked me in a room till with no medication. I talked to the psyciatrist after 2hrs. sleep, told him what he wanted to hear so I could get out of there! So much for that! I'm cutting down on the xanax, except to go to sleep. I cry and rock and cry some more. Everyone here has christmas lights up, how depressing. I tried to drive to town today and only had to pull over 3 times, I'm getting better! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 Yikes! What a horrible experience. I guess that is because it was via the ER - and they have to attend to the most deperate cases first. I hope you will keep your Dec 12 appt though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamday Posted December 7, 2004 Author Share Posted December 7, 2004 My new husband broke down the other day and told me the truth(well, probably not all of it). He said they had sex 5 years ago, before me and him met. But also had sex with her 2months before we were married. He says he was drunk and doesn't remember most of it. She is a pillhead that will sleep with anyone and anything. I'm staying here for now, I still don't know what to do. He's calling her tonight and telling her that he told me. He says he doesn't remember writing the letter at all. I told him then he can write more and not remember. I don't believe anything he says now. I still love him and that's what's killing me. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 Ohhhhh...how horrible. He has confessed to the truth (which you have known for a while now anyway). Your husband had sex with his daughter "while drunk". Frankly, I doubt if this is the whole story. I believe that he has more to confess, because, let's face it, psychologically normal people don't get drunk and just accidentally have sex with other people in their family. I tend to suspect that they had an ongoing thing, and I am by no means sure it is over. It must feel horrible to love him and also to hear him confess to father-daughter incest. You put the blame on his daughter - but who reared her? Who made the first move to turn this sexual? Does she in fact have a troubled sexual history because of early sexual abuse by her father? Girls with good, close, healthy, normal relationships with their fathers generally do NOT act out sexually. Tamday, it is rare that I fall short of being able to give advice - but this may be one of the times. I am just stunned. I can't help you today. Link to post Share on other sites
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