Not sure whether to cancel my wedding

[kittykt]

I have been with my fiance a little over 5 year, we got engaged and november. Alcohol has been an ongoing issue in our relationship. I don't really care to drink, i do it occasionally in a pretty casual manner and thats fine for me.

 

But we have spent soo much time fighting about his drinking. He is 21, so naturally most of his friends do the same sort of binge drinking thing. I just hate it. We have never had an issues with cheating when hes drinking but he just gets really out of hand sometimes. A few months ago he got upset when he was drinking and threw something off his balcony and somehow ended up in detox for 2 days when the cops came. That is the only time any sort of legal action has happened, and i really thought it was enough to solve the issue for good, because it seemed to really scare him.

 

He quit drinking for 2 months after that, and i was really happy. I felt really good about getting married, and we were getting along so well without having that to argue about. Then one of his really close friends (was supposed to be a groomsmen in our wedding) committed suicide. It was a rough week and him all of his friends chose to deal with it by drinking pretty heavily a lot of the time. I didn't want to be critical of him at that time because i knew he was going through something really difficult. I had a talk with him at the end of it all, after things sort of went back to normal and told him that i understood it was just part of the process and that i would trust him to not let it get out of hand.

 

Well, after that week his drinking habits went back to pretty much what they were before he got thrown in detox. I finally had enough when he came over to my place to watch a football game. He stopped home to get beer before he came over and proceeded to drink 7 beers over the course of just a few hours, while i was right there, not drinking, and it was just the 2 of us. When i tried to talk to him about it he got all defensive, saying it was light beer and he knows lots of people that drink that much. Really i guess what i learned from that is clearly he has been drinking a lot more than 7 lately.

 

Sometimes i feel like i am being too sensitive. I mean he is 21 but i guess my issue with that is that he asked me to marry him. I feel like he is trying to have a foot in both worlds and i don't think that is fair to me. I also think he really does have a control issue when it comes to alcohol. He has a huuuge family history with substance abuse, and i don't want to hold that against him but i do really see something in him that seems to prevent him from controlling it well. I would never end a relationship because of a flaw like that, but the thing that makes me think it's a big problem is, he doesn't see it as a problem. And i think until he does it's not going to change.

 

It's so frustrating because he is such an amazing person otherwise. He is so sweet and kind. He loves me so much and we want the same things out of life. I want more than anything to get married and have kids with him.

 

The last time we talked was friday. He said he would stop, it was no big deal, he would give it up like he did before. I am just afraid it won't stick because hes only doing it because it's a problem for ME not because he thinks it really needs to change, or that he's doing anything wrong. I just told him that I needed some time to sort through what i am feeling and we would talk on thursday. I haven't talked to him at all in almost 2 days. I haven't gone that long without talking to him in 3 years. It is really hard. Do you think time is the right thing?

[Steves54]

Which is more important to him you or the drinking? Do you think he needs to have 7 beers so he can watch a football game with you?? If that is true think about how the rest of your life and children s lives will be. My brother was the same way and needed to hit rock bottom before he woke up. Now he is married with a son and a home and to this day still struggles over the alcohol but realizes his life is worth more than the beer. I have to say he would not be where he is today if his eyes hadn't been opened by his wife and her giving him the choice of her or the beer. Yes she took a risk but better now than later. Think of the future and your kids lives

[Lobouspo]

Your fiancee is an addict and in denial. He needs a really intensive treatment program. I would at least postpone the wedding and give him an ultimatum

[hereagain]

I completely understand why you feel torn. On one hand, you feel like you have lots in common and a similar outlook. On the other hand, he's an alcoholic.

 

I'm going to be straightforward and blunt - don't marry this guy. He's got a family history of alcohol abuse and he's an alcoholic.

 

You DO NOT want the same things out of life, unless you want to be married to an alcoholic and all the things that come tend to come with it - unemployment, drunk driving, violence, etc. He wants his alcohol, he's made that clear. Is that what you want your children to grow up with? Is that the role model you want your children to emulate?

 

Although he's "only" 21, he has not developed reasonable coping mechanisms. If a friend's suicide is going to throw him on a bender, how can you expect him to be there for you when you need him?

 

At the very least, I would postpone the wedding until he has been sober for at least 2-3 years straight. I realize it's so easy to get divorced these days, but please save yourself some heartbreak and take the time to make an informed decision based on longer term behaviour. You will save yourself much pain.

 

I apologize if I'm too "tough love" here, but unfortunately, I can tell you from firsthand experience, marrying someone, knowing full well that they have an addiction is a disaster. Things will not get better once you are married regardless of what promises are made beforehand.

 

Please take all the time you need before you make a decision and think more with your head than your heart. The pain of leaving him now will be nothing compared to the pain of leaving after many lost years.

[kittykt]

I broke up with him on friday. He lied to me and told me he was home and later found out he was at a bar, drove there, gave him his ring and left. He wasn't drinking, so i suppose that's something but i just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Since he has been trying to contact me constantly, although today was much just better, just a couple of e-mails. I think he is panicking and does see the error in some of his ways. But he does still fail to address his drinking issue, just keeps saying he will just quit. He has in the past, for months at a time and that's always been when our relationship is the most successful.

 

I feel conflicted. I know i did the the right thing by calling off the wedding, and ending the relationship. I feel personally i need time to take care of myself is move past all of this right now.

 

I have only responded to a couple emails, just explaining that i am standing by my decision to end the relationship and need space. He seems to be trying to respect that. He did make an appointment with a counselor and seems to have a strong desire to make things right between us but i am just not sure. I do really love him and there is a part of me that still holds out hope that we can make it work. There are a lot of good point to our relationship as well, i am just not sure how to determine if it should be just over for good. I told him i had a little hope and i feel that may have been a bad idea because he is clinging to that, but it's the truth, i do.

 

Heeellpppp ahhhhh.

[Vogeltron]

Wait at-least until you are in you mid 20's to get married.

 

Your boyfriend is still a kid. I am 26 was always told I acted older than my age etc. I have always considered myself to be more mature. I will say most people don't grow up until they are over college age 23-24 etc. If I where I chick I wouldn't even think about marrying a dude under the age of 25. If it was true love it can always wait.

 

You boyfriend sounds like a mess. It sounds like you are holding onto the past rather than going out an meeting other people. There are 300 million people in America, 6 billion I am told in the world. Maybe not as many your age but I am sure you can if you play your cards right will find a few withing your age group that will fight over you.

[Criticality]

Is your boyfriend an alcoholic? Nope, not yet anyways. It's fairly normal to binge drink in that age, and most them quit and learn to have a moderate or minimal relationship with alcohol.

 

Might he end up as an alcoholic? Who knows. He could be heading in that general direction, though no one can really tell without a consultation.

 

The bigger problem however, is how you choose to deal with the drinking.

Do you seriously think nagging and ultimatums are a good motivation to quit drinking?

You expect him to give up one of the major ways he socializes with his friends (drinking and going out) and offered what in return exactly? "My love" isn't an answer, as that is supposed to be unconditional.

What did you offer to give up, that might be a concern to him, if he gave up on his drinking? Nothing, right? Where is the fairness in that?

 

You want my honest opinion? Whether deliberately or unconsciously you didn't want to get married and deal with the drinking, so you set him up to fail by more or less giving him an ultimatum, and then disappearing for a week to "sort your feelings out"...

 

So you leave him hanging, knowing full well that he has gotten into the habit of drinking when he's stressed, and of he turns to his friends for support, they'll be likely to bring over some beers or take him to a bar!

 

And what happens? He does exactly that, lies about it because he loves you and is scared of your reaction, giving you a convenient excuse to end the relationship, and still look good to all your friends and relations, because "you tried but he chose the drinking etc. etc."

 

Sorry if it sounds hard, but I'm just calling it as I see it.

 

Your boyfriend deserves better than that.

 

Is he ready to get married? Most likely not, but neither are you. Wait a few years, and try to learn how to deal with problems in a relationship better. Be honest, especially with yourself, and try to learn from this experience. That's the only way we grow into being ready for marriage.