Cheated on my boyfriend...

[amboutiette]

Thank you for looking at this, and I apologize in advance for how long this might end up being, but I want to get in every single detail so that my situation can be thoroughly understood.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 going on 5 years, we met as freshman in high school, and after I broke up with my first boyfriend that I have ever had, we ended up together. He has been my best friend through everything. I moved for the first time when I was 13, and after a year in our new state my family fell apart. My parents divorced and they all moved back to our home state to start their separate lives over. I made the decision to stay in our new town to stay with my boyfriend. I moved in with a friend, and when that didn't work out I ended up moving with my boyfriend, and stayed there for the rest of highschool. I never really got a chance to get over my first boyfriend, and after a while I began to think that I wanted to be with him. I was in "lust" with him, I was in love with my actual boyfriend.

 

Before I get into the cheating part, let me explain something that might help it all make a little more sense. Growing up I was the ugly duckling, I was fat and ugly and had no friends, my family was poor, and I went most of my childhood crying at least once a day because I was so depressed. When we moved, I hit puberty and I guess I underwent a serious change; I lost a ton of weight and actually became attractive in the eyes of others (I was told this by others, I don't feel this way nor will I ever.) I grew up thinking I was going to die alone, that nobody would want me.

 

Back to where I was before: After I underwent this change, I started getting unfamiliar attention from boys in school. I wasnt used to being pursued by anyone, and it was all so taboo for me... I resisted any guys trying to pursue me for the first three years. I still had mild feelings for my first boyfriend, but I clung to my current boyfriend (I'll call him T now to make it easier). After my first boyfriend (who I'll call B) started coming back to me, I realized how good it felt to be wanted like that. The attention never stopped and it seemed like guys were throwing themselves at me. I first cheated on T with B. I still had feelings for him and I let it go too far. I felt guiltier than I could even express through words. After B, the attention slowed and it seemed like less guys found me attractive, so when they did pursue me I didn't want it to stop... I let it go too far with two other guys, who I had sex with, and one other guy who I only had oral sex with once and we both agreed it was wrong and that we wouldn't do it again.

 

T eventually found out about me and B, and I confessed that I had kissed him but not that I had sex with him. My current relationship suffered for 11 months as we tried to get through this, and we did. I gave up my friendships with my guy friends obviously, and I gave up a lot of privacy in hopes that confessing to this little bit would settle my conscious and that I could make it as if my cheating had never happened by pretending that it didn't. But my conscious was eating me alive, I had a constant fog in my head, I lost myself because I was living that lie, and I wanted to confess to him but I was so afraid to. The other night he found a text message after going through my phone while I was asleep that was actually me joking around in a somewhat inappropriate way (still a form of cheating, I know), and he woke me up crying. He showed me the messages he saw, and told me that he knew there were other things going on. I decided to come clean, and I told him everything. We sat for probably 4 hours and I told him every little detail, and why I think I did it all. I had confessed once, but this was my actual confession where I came clean about everything.

 

What I don't know if anyone could understand is that I actually love T, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is so perfect and when our relationship is good there is literally nothing better than just being with him. I don't know if his lack of giving me attention at times contributed to what I did at all, but I had this constant need for approval from others and attention to make me feel good about myself, and that is why I cheated. I grew up not having that until I was close to my 20s, and being wanted like that made me feel so much better about myself. I was numb and selfish when I cheated; we weren't making love like T and I do. It was nothing to me besides an ego boost I guess. I let them text me nonstop and flirt with me because it felt good, but the whole time I knew I would ALWAYS choose T over anything else in my life.

 

Its been many months since Ive cheated last, T and I have our own apartment and are starting our second year of college. Last night was when I confessed everything to him. We cried together all night and he vented everything that he hated about our situation, as well as the good memories we both wanted back. I want to be with T, and I wont be able to handle living without him as my partner. Just today and last night has been the first time I have seriously considered suicide.. I wasnt thinking it for attention, I really was planning on doing that or at least physically harming myself.

 

I didn't come here to ask if I should stay with him. I love T more than anything else in my life and I need to be with him. I know it will take an unbelievably long amount of time for him to learn to trust me again, if ever, and thats if he decides to even keep me in his life. I know that there is nothing I can ever do to make it right, but I love this man and I am willing to do ANYTHING for at least a chance to make us work again. My head feels much more clear after getting that off my chest, and I now understand the consequences of my actions more than ever. I know, myself, that I will never cheat again. It takes losing something to realize its true value, and I learned this the hard way by taking my family for granted, having a home for granted, and having a loving boyfriend for granted. We both still love each other, and if I can't have him in my life then I don't want a life. I want to have children with him and live the rest of our lives together.

 

I came here for advice, on what is wrong with me, how to cope with what I have done, and how to prove myself to T. I need to show him that if he gives me another chance that I will never let him down again. I just don't even know where to begin...

 

If you need anything clarified please don't hesitate to ask, I greatly appreciate any help at all, whether it is advice or a personal story, or anything..

[giblesp]

First of all, stop allowing yourself to think about suicide, NOTHING is worth killing yourself for.

You might lose your BF, I'm sorry to have to say it. Whether he comes back or not, I really suggest that you take the time to look inside yourself and see what's happening there.

I'd guess that there are some traumas from growing up. Maybe you weren't feeling enough love in adolescence.

 

You know, every single one of us takes a chance when we fall in love. That it might not work out and we'll go through hell. All of us have been through this hell in one form or another.

 

But it's not worth thinking about suicide so get that out of your head right now.

 

Whatever happens, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. If it doesn't work out with this guy, I can absolutely guarantee you that you will meet someone else who you feel this strongly for. Maybe it will happen in a year, maybe in ten. You have the opportunity now, to learn by the mistakes you've made and grow by them.

 

You've got the chance for happiness, whether its with this guy or someone else, but most of all with yourself.

[Quiet Storm]

Its actually very likely that you will cheat again because of your strong needs for validation and attention.

 

Those feelings that prompted you to cheat aren't going to disappear just because you recognize your weakness. Right now you are in crisis mode. His pain and the fear of losing him are in the forefront of your mind. As time passes, your resolve will fade until one day the attention & validation will be worth the risk again.

 

You really need to get counseling if you want to change. You must delve very deep so that your default feelings change. Why does attention feel so good that you will hurt & lie to someone you love? Why do you crave validation and approval? How can you be secure and learn to love yourself, care for yourself, honor yourself? Once you learn how to validate yourself, outside validation isn't important. Counseling can really help with this.

[The Way I Am]

If you have insurance, use that to find a therapist. If you don't have insurance, many colleges have counseling services available for free. (I mean personal counseling, not academic counseling.) Find out if yours does, and if so, make an appointment. If you have no insurance and no free counseling services, use any extra money you have to pay for therapy. It will be well worth the investment.

 

You're a mess, and unless you get yourself sorted out, you'll never have a good relationship with anyone. Don't beat yourself up as harshly as you are over it. A lot of young people are a mess. It's not worth killing yourself over. What matters most is that now that you recognize the problem, you take action to correct it.

[road]

Colleges have counseling centers. Go. Learn how to have a healthy relationship.

[crederer]

It doesn't sound like you're emotionally in a state where you can have a healthy relationship.

 

There's nothing you can do to keep him. If he wants to stay that's going to be completely up to him but you've shown several times to him now that you're not a trust worthy partner. He may forgive and stay with you, but if he does he will not trust you at all and it'll be a bad relationship.