Farsight Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 Hi Everyone, I was wondering for you dumpers out there. What could your ex (dumpee) do to make you come back? Character change, romantic gesture, apoligize etc etc Link to post Share on other sites
FierceFoxie Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 You are asking the wrong crowd. The majority of people here are like you; the dumpee. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farsight Posted September 15, 2013 Author Share Posted September 15, 2013 Thats a good point. Don't know if there is categorie on loveshack with the right crowd though Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 I think you're asking for one size fits all kind of advice. I tend to think it's not romantic gestures and it's not love notes - I mean, breaking up a legitimate long term relationship with someone you once loved, even if you have checked out, is an emotionally draining process for someone of right mind, and if it's someone who just checked out for another, they're not of right mind. Either way, the only way a dumper realistically comes back is if the dumping was for a specific non-emotional reason (distance, schedule, etc) that is cured and the person loved you all along but felt your timing wasn't right. (And when they said your timing wasn't right they meant it, not just said it to let you down easily). My feeling on this is getting back together with someone who's dumped you is possible - but most of the time leads to incredible insecurity where you're constantly wondering when the other shoe is going to drop and your heart will break again. In my eyes, not something worth pining over. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 Delete, re-wind, start again. That's the only thing I can think of that would make dumpers try again. Erasing the whole episode and doing it again, 'differently this time'. Because no way will any dumper consider 'lather rinse repeat'. Not this soon..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Nothing. If I pulled the trigger, I meant it the first time. I generally agree with this except for very rare circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Nothing can make them come back. NOTHING! Trust me on this one, when I say so... Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Understand that your ex would rather die of starvation, than to even float the thought of ever giving you the time of day again... Yes, last week she held your hand... This week is different for her. Welcome to the club, bro... You will be hardened by this experience, and you will learn some lessons... Link to post Share on other sites
patience-patience Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Nothing can make them come back. NOTHING! Trust me on this one, when I say so... What's the point of a second chance forum then? I find your comment overly pessimistic. It's clear that some do come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope for hopeless Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Hi Everyone, I was wondering for you dumpers out there. What could your ex (dumpee) do to make you come back? Character change, romantic gesture, apoligize etc etc Well,I think there is nothing that you can do.In my case ex was back after 1.5 years of separation.He was sick and dated others girls meanwhile.After he came to conclusion that our love was real and he was carrying alot of guilt.During the time apart I disappeared from the map,but after a year or so we started to be friends again(after I was not holding any resentment towards him).He was back. Having said that,though he is there now and he proposed if you read my previous notes ,I am still feeling very insecure and not sure If I can continue being with him.All the time I think when is the next time he will leave me for unknown reasons.So,I'm not sure if it really works even if you have them back. After all with all cruelty they left you and sure u felt miserable.I love him alot,but not comfortable and relax with the situation at all!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lylat333 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 (edited) Hi Everyone, I was wondering for you dumpers out there. What could your ex (dumpee) do to make you come back? Character change, romantic gesture, apoligize etc etc Depends on the breakup. If you did something bad enough that hurt the dumper, they may never come back. (e.g. violence, cheating, etc.) If the dumpee feels blindsided, like many of us here on LS, there's one thing you need to do - disappear. ASAP. It's normal to beg, plead, apologize, but all it does is dig you a deeper hole and make the dumper's ego swell. If you're hurting as a dumpee, remove yourself completely. I've learned that NC is more than just resisting the temptation to call - no physical/online stalking, no talking to mutual friends to try and manipulate your ex back... cut all ties, give them exactly what they want. This "works" because it's the only way you will ever heal, it's the only way they can see what life is truly like without you. Oftentimes dumping is a difficult decision and without you being there as a crutch to help them transition it shows them the ramifications of their decision. And yes, I have been the dumper in the past. My ex of 6 1/2 years, whom I look back on fondly and love dearly as a person, pleaded with me and begged me to work it out. I consider myself a generally nice, caring person but being the dumper and having a position of power brings out the worst in people. 2 months after we broke up, she started seeing someone and I was devastated. The one thought that ran through my mind over and over was, "I wish someone would have told me to think about what life would have really been like without her." Even though we went over a month and a half without talking and I was becoming interested in other women, it still felt like she was there. It was comforting to go to her FB and see she still had pictures of us up and I knew she was hurting. Had she stopped putting me on a pedestal and cut all ties, I probably would have come running back because our relationship was so deep and we had invested so much in each other. If you honestly doubt your ex knowing where you stand, communicate with them concisely how you feel about the situation and then disappear. Don't drive yourself crazy thinking there's something you can do to change/manipulate the dumper, it's all on them. You can either drag it out by staying in the picture or remove yourself and find out sooner where things are going. Edited September 16, 2013 by lylat333 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farsight Posted September 16, 2013 Author Share Posted September 16, 2013 Depends on the breakup. If you did something bad enough that hurt the dumper, they may never come back. (e.g. violence, cheating, etc.) If the dumpee feels blindsided, like many of us here on LS, there's one thing you need to do - disappear. ASAP. It's normal to beg, plead, apologize, but all it does is dig you a deeper hole and make the dumper's ego swell. If you're hurting as a dumpee, remove yourself completely. I've learned that NC is more than just resisting the temptation to call - no physical/online stalking, no talking to mutual friends to try and manipulate your ex back... cut all ties, give them exactly what they want. This "works" because it's the only way you will ever heal, it's the only way they can see what life is truly like without you. Oftentimes dumping is a difficult decision and without you being there as a crutch to help them transition it shows them the ramifications of their decision. And yes, I have been the dumper in the past. My ex of 6 1/2 years, whom I look back on fondly and love dearly as a person, pleaded with me and begged me to work it out. I consider myself a generally nice, caring person but being the dumper and having a position of power brings out the worst in people. 2 months after we broke up, she started seeing someone and I was devastated. The one thought that ran through my mind over and over was, "I wish someone would have told me to think about what life would have really been like without her." Even though we went over a month and a half without talking and I was becoming interested in other women, it still felt like she was there. It was comforting to go to her FB and see she still had pictures of us up and I knew she was hurting. Had she stopped putting me on a pedestal and cut all ties, I probably would have come running back because our relationship was so deep and we had invested so much in each other. If you honestly doubt your ex knowing where you stand, communicate with them concisely how you feel about the situation and then disappear. Don't drive yourself crazy thinking there's something you can do to change/manipulate the dumper, it's all on them. You can either drag it out by staying in the picture or remove yourself and find out sooner where things are going. Hmm Thx Lylat that really makes sense. The problem is she still wants to give me a gift for my birthday. I went NC on her last sunday after she got angry with me over the mail about bringing her stuff back. It has been 1 month first 3 weeks i didnt beg or plead just gave her space and replyed when she texted me. I made a mistake of asking her to be friends. So I am sticking with NC. But I guess she thinks I will be tehre for her when she needs me. Thats the problem. Shall I let her know thats not the case? Or wait when she iniates contact again? Link to post Share on other sites
PR08 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 What's the point of a second chance forum then? I find your comment overly pessimistic. It's clear that some do come back. Many exes do come back, but they only come back to people who get the heck over it, forget about them, get on with their lives and become more confident, more attractive people. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lylat333 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Hmm Thx Lylat that really makes sense. The problem is she still wants to give me a gift for my birthday. I went NC on her last sunday after she got angry with me over the mail about bringing her stuff back. It has been 1 month first 3 weeks i didnt beg or plead just gave her space and replyed when she texted me. I made a mistake of asking her to be friends. If it were me, I would not accept the gift. If being friends is what you really want, then be friends. If you want to be friends because you secretly hope it will lead to more, don't be friends, and don't act like you're OK with being friends. So I am sticking with NC. But I guess she thinks I will be tehre for her when she needs me. Thats the problem. Shall I let her know thats not the case? Or wait when she iniates contact again? You can let her know you're not there for her anymore, but avoid communicating when possible, use your actions. No need to be mean or play games... just treat her like someone you're not bf/gf or even friends with anymore. Anything else is positive reinforcement for her not being your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Peanut9330 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Many exes do come back, but they only come back to people who get the heck over it, forget about them, get on with their lives and become more confident, more attractive people. Also in some instances they come back when you don't want them to like in my situation my ex (dumper) came back after 6 years. There is really nothing a dumpee can do to get the dumper to come back. If the left you and don't want to be with you there is nothing a person can do to convince them. However if the realize that they want to get back together then both parties need to work on getting back together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PR08 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 (edited) Same here. I swear, my first girlfriend reappeared the morning after it finally clicked that I had no interest in her whatsoever anymore. As I always tell friends in the real world - and try to do on here - there is nothing concrete that you can do to get an ex back. You can only guarantee that they will never come back, and there's more than enough threads on here that are examples of that! Time and time again, the reconciliations I know of have come down to the dumpee getting over it, moving on with their life and becoming a better person. Lying in bed crying, endless social media stalking and romantic gestures like sending flowers have nothing to do with it. Edited September 16, 2013 by PR08 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farsight Posted September 16, 2013 Author Share Posted September 16, 2013 Thx for the reply's I have a problem though see is making this present. So she has a reason to contact me in I don't know maybe a month or whatever when she is done. I think she is living on the idear we will be buddy's in a month. She has confident hope we can be buddy's I guess. I am on 8 days no contact shall I say to her to forget about it altogether and don't want to be friends. Or shall I just wait till she contacts me? The problem is in a month maybe she will me more "moved on" then now. Link to post Share on other sites
PR08 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I am on 8 days no contact shall I say to her to forget about it altogether and don't want to be friends. Just ignore her completely. Or shall I just wait till she contacts me? No, don't wait. Move on with your life. The problem is in a month maybe she will me more "moved on" then now. I reeeeeally know it isn't what you want to hear, but you actually have to let them (although it's not up to you) move on if there's ever going to be any chance of a reconciliation down the line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StyleOnEm Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 The only real way to get them back is to disappear from their lives, and indirectly have them find out that you're going out with someone else who's also attractive. Some people don't realize how much they still have feelings for you until they feel jealousy. It can really intensify those feelings back up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farsight Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 Just ignore her completely. No, don't wait. Move on with your life. I reeeeeally know it isn't what you want to hear, but you actually have to let them (although it's not up to you) move on if there's ever going to be any chance of a reconciliation down the line. Thx Pr08 That really helps. But what shall I do when she sends a friendly email and want to meet up to give me the present? Sooner or later this is going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 Ignore. Completely. Don't even acknowledge. That's the whole point of No Contact. Read the No Contact Guide (link in my signature). The first post is the Guide itself. The remainder of the thread will answer your questions and tell you all you need to know about 'breadcrumbs'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farsight Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 Ignore. Completely. Don't even acknowledge. That's the whole point of No Contact. Read the No Contact Guide (link in my signature). The first post is the Guide itself. The remainder of the thread will answer your questions and tell you all you need to know about 'breadcrumbs'. Hi Tara, I read a lot of your comments also your guide. It has some good points. But some things don't apply to my situation. The problem is I wouldn't like her to be angry with me I guess. Ofcourse you could argue that she did a lot harmfull things to me. Thats true. Also I know NC guide is not for reconciliation. Still I would like to heal and move on and still have a chance. I know you only truely moved on if you don't care about reconciliation anymore. But thats where I am in the process right now. Link to post Share on other sites
lylat333 Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) Thx Pr08 But what shall I do when she sends a friendly email and want to meet up to give me the present? Sooner or later this is going to happen. Also I know NC guide is not for reconciliation. Still I would like to heal and move on and still have a chance. I know you only truely moved on if you don't care about reconciliation anymore. But thats where I am in the process right now. You still desire reconciliation, it does you no good to lie and try to convince yourself you are indifferent about reconciliation when it's not true. Seriously, do not accept the present. That might sound like crazy talk but this is your chance to do one of the best things you could possibly do. The only purpose her giving you that gift serves is relieving her own guilt. It has nothing to do with reconciliation at this point. You can either reject it and make a powerful, attractive statement about yourself or you can accept it and say you're fine with being friends and a doormat. Instead of looking up to her, put yourself on her level - higher even. You are the prize someone doesn't want to lose, not her, the hurtful dumper! I'm not sure what you hope will happen by her coming by and giving you this gift, but I am very, very confident you are going to be extremely disappointed. This is your golden opportunity - I wish I would have turned my ex down when she set up what turned out to be the last time I ever saw her. Chances are your ex is also going into this knowing full well she doesn't expect or desire to meet up again like this. Did I mention don't accept the gift? Farsight, I feel for you and this is a classic situation for what this forum is all about. I would really hate to see you make what we can see as an obvious mistake. I hope you make what is the difficult, but strong and empowering decision. Edited September 17, 2013 by lylat333 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 Hi Tara, I read a lot of your comments also your guide. It has some good points. But some things don't apply to my situation. The problem is I wouldn't like her to be angry with me I guess. Ofcourse you could argue that she did a lot harmfull things to me. Thats true. Also I know NC guide is not for reconciliation. Still I would like to heal and move on and still have a chance. I know you only truely moved on if you don't care about reconciliation anymore. But thats where I am in the process right now. Except for the child, your situation isn't unique in the slightest. You should not be talking to her or interacting with her for any other reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farsight Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 You still desire reconciliation, it does you no good to lie and try to convince yourself you are indifferent about reconciliation when it's not true. Seriously, do not accept the present. That might sound like crazy talk but this is your chance to do one of the best things you could possibly do. The only purpose her giving you that gift serves is relieving her own guilt. It has nothing to do with reconciliation at this point. You can either reject it and make a powerful, attractive statement about yourself or you can accept it and say you're fine with being friends and a doormat. Instead of looking up to her, put yourself on her level - higher even. You are the prize someone doesn't want to lose, not her, the hurtful dumper! I'm not sure what you hope will happen by her coming by and giving you this gift, but I am very, very confident you are going to be extremely disappointed. This is your golden opportunity - I wish I would have turned my ex down when she set up what turned out to be the last time I ever saw her. Chances are your ex is also going into this knowing full well she doesn't expect or desire to meet up again like this. Did I mention don't accept the gift? Farsight, I feel for you and this is a classic situation for what this forum is all about. I would really hate to see you make what we can see as an obvious mistake. I hope you make what is the difficult, but strong and empowering decision. Wow your really sound confident about this. Problem is it took me 4 weeks to confince myself to go NC. I wasn't confident about anything how to act. But i didn't beg and plead or try to confince her so. But damn this is hard. She was already making this present when we were still together. Believe me on this but although she had doubt she wasn't planning to end it yet. She is not the thinking ahead type unfortunately. Thats why it wasn't a clean break. It just happened in stages. I also got gift for her that I was making before we split coincidently. Its weird that she is making something for me recently after the break up. This will make her think of me ofcourse. But why would she want to have thought of me in her head. Unless she really doens't give a **** about me. BUt why then make the present. To have some kind of closure. I make him a present and put al my love because I dont feel as much guilty? I don't know how she wil react it can only go 2 ways with her. Or she is incredibly sad or she will get very angry. How will i decline? ignore her? It very hard for me. It wil hurt her badly. First sadness then anger. I can feel her pain while writing this. Link to post Share on other sites
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