What will make you as a dumper come back

[Farsight]

Except for the child, your situation isn't unique in the slightest. You should not be talking to her or interacting with her for any other reason.

 

There is no child...

[Babolat]

Hi Everyone,

 

I was wondering for you dumpers out there. What could your ex (dumpee) do to make you come back?

 

Character change, romantic gesture, apoligize etc etc

 

I was the dumper 6 month ago, a 12 month relationship.

 

My ex has made a lot of changes related to the issues I had in our relationship. And I am proud of her, as she is doing them for her. She has apologized for some of her actions/behaviors that bothered me and I believe her.

 

Right now though, I simply do not want to date her again. I put up with a lot, and went thru a lot, and though I believe in her heart she believes she is making good changes, changes regardless of an us, I am not able to forget what was. I am not able to forget about our core compatability differences.

 

So, my answer is unless we could go back to the first month of dating, when I saw a different woman, different than the next 11 months, Nothing.

Edited September 17, 2013 by Babolat

[Simon Phoenix]

There is no child...

 

Well shoot, I got you confused with someone else, my bad. In that case, do not chase, pursue, contact, anything.

[lylat333]

Wow your really sound confident about this.

I am. I wouldn't tell a stranger to straight up do/not do something unless I was really confident it was the right thing to do without exception.

 

Its weird that she is making something for me recently after the break up. This will make her think of me ofcourse. But why would she want to have thought of me in her head. Unless she really doens't give a **** about me. BUt why then make the present. To have some kind of closure. I make him a present and put al my love because I dont feel as much guilty?

It's not... totally weird. She cares about you enough to do something to make you feel good, but the ulterior motive is that it makes her feel better about herself, too. "I'm not a bad person, see? I made it all right by giving him this gift." Does her giving you this gift make up for the fact that she hurt you? Probably not... even though that's probably how she sees it.

 

How will i decline? ignore her? It very hard for me. It wil hurt her badly. First sadness then anger. I can feel her pain while writing this.

You don't have to ignore her. Keep it very short, simple, and unemotional - tell her it would be best for you not to accept the gift and you won't accept it.

 

The whole problem is you are putting her pain before your own. I promise you are hurting more over this as the dumpee than she is as the dumper. She doesn't get to enjoy getting you gifts anymore, that's part of what NC is about - showing you and the dumper what life is like without each other. If you aren't able to do this, you're not in NC. Don't accept the gift.

Edited September 17, 2013 by lylat333

[TaraMaiden]

But damn this is hard. She was already making this present when we were still together. Believe me on this but although she had doubt she wasn't planning to end it yet. She is not the thinking ahead type unfortunately. Thats why it wasn't a clean break. It just happened in stages.

 

I also got gift for her that I was making before we split coincidently.

 

Its weird that she is making something for me recently after the break up. This will make her think of me ofcourse. But why would she want to have thought of me in her head. Unless she really doens't give a **** about me. BUt why then make the present. To have some kind of closure. I make him a present and put al my love because I dont feel as much guilty?

 

I don't know how she wil react it can only go 2 ways with her. Or she is incredibly sad or she will get very angry.

How will i decline? ignore her? It very hard for me. It wil hurt her badly. First sadness then anger. I can feel her pain while writing this.

 

Listen carefully:

What an awful lot of dumpees fail to grasp is that NC isn't concerned with them (the 'Dumper'), at all.

They don't - and shouldn't - figure.

 

NC isn't about them - their feelings, emotions, sadness, anger or anything.

 

Right now, in NC, the one and only thing that does - and should - matter, is how YOU feel, react and process everything.

And the answer to 'how', is 'selfishly'.

 

Not to be deliberately hurtful, but as a form of self-preservation.

 

Dumpers dump to please themselves, not their ex.

Dumpers dump for their own benefit, not anyone else's.

Dumpers dump because it's what they want, and what they want is to be happy, and they figure being happy means not having you around.

 

Grasp that reality.

You were dumped because she doesn't want you in her life any more - not romantically.

And as for being 'Friend-zoned' it's mainly for her benefit, not yours.

Sticking with the familiar ego-boosting, flattering attention, with only the sparse breadcrumb to keep you pecking at Hope.

 

No Contact is solely for you.

Implement it.

[Farsight]

I am. I wouldn't tell a stranger to straight up do/not do something unless I was really confident it was the right thing to do without exception.

 

 

It's not... totally weird. She cares about you enough to do something to make you feel good, but the ulterior motive is that it makes her feel better about herself, too. "I'm not a bad person, see? I made it all right by giving him this gift." Does her giving you this gift make up for the fact that she hurt you? Probably not... even though that's probably how she sees it.

 

 

You don't have to ignore her. Keep it very short, simple, and unemotional - tell her it would be best for you not to accept the gift and you won't accept it.

 

The whole problem is you are putting her pain before your own. I promise you are hurting more over this as the dumpee than she is as the dumper. She doesn't get to enjoy getting you gifts anymore, that's part of what NC is about - showing you and the dumper what life is like without each other. If you aren't able to do this, you're not in NC. Don't accept the gift.

 

Yes, I know its kinda ilogical to put her pain before my own.

 

But if i do this it will start a text or email exchange I think. I will tell her its best not to accept her gift. Than she will ask why not are you still hurting? What the hell am I suppossed to say. She thinks I am on NC because I have to process this new situation and that we will be friends. I told her this more or less.

 

Tara, I know what your saying. Your completely NC. And its good stuff. I wonder if a dumper ever got back to you? The trick is I think do the complete NC thing without being to harsh.

I know you have heard my story a hunderd times already. I wish I had made a cleaner break. She ****s it up with not getting her stuff and now stringing it even further with her DIY present whatever it is.

[lylat333]

But if i do this it will start a text or email exchange I think. I will tell her its best not to accept her gift. Than she will ask why not are you still hurting? What the hell am I suppossed to say. She thinks I am on NC because I have to process this new situation and that we will be friends. I told her this more or less.

You don't want a text or email exchange... you want to keep things as short as possible and not get emotional. If she keeps badgering you about it, it's OK to ignore her. You got it though... just tell her it's best not to accept it and you need her to respect that decision. Let her hurt, that's not your issue to worry about!

 

You're on NC for you as Tara explained. I understand, some of the info on NC didn't make sense to me when I first read it. I was so worried about how my ex would take it and I cared more about reconciling than healing.

 

However, please believe me when I tell you, you need to trust in NC right now. You asked us what will make a dumper come back, and even though that's not as important as you healing, trust us - we know what makes a dumper come back and what doesn't. You worrying about your ex hurting does nothing to bring her back or help matters. You getting you back, even though it may seem like you are pursuing it in a selfish fashion is the only thing that matters right now, no need to worry about how it affects anything else.

 

If your ex were to give you this gift, it would be a setback for you emotionally - so what do we do? We don't accept it. That's really all there is to it. The reason why everyone here will keep telling you NC is not about getting your ex back is because we have seen and been through enough to know just how important you healing really is and why it's where your focus needs to be. But the truth is, yes... NC is actually the best way to get your ex back to even though that's NOT why you concern yourself with implementing it. I do not like to be as "tough love" as some other people on the board but the truth is the relationship is over between you two right now and what matters right now is living life without your ex, and I mean really living life without your ex in it.

Edited September 17, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

Yes, I know its kinda ilogical to put her pain before my own.

 

But if i do this it will start a text or email exchange I think. I will tell her its best not to accept her gift. Than she will ask why not are you still hurting? What the hell am I suppossed to say. She thinks I am on NC because I have to process this new situation and that we will be friends. I told her this more or less.

 

Tara, I know what your saying. Your completely NC. And its good stuff. I wonder if a dumper ever got back to you? The trick is I think do the complete NC thing without being to harsh.

I know you have heard my story a hunderd times already. I wish I had made a cleaner break. She ****s it up with not getting her stuff and now stringing it even further with her DIY present whatever it is.

 

It took me 4 months to realize NC was for me. That was eye opening, but you will see it too. Like Tara said, it's self preservation.

[Man-guy]

Currently separated from my stbxw... her stuff has been lying around for FOUR MONTHS. I got sick of asking her to handle it, got sick of asking her to meet up with me to just catch up. Do yourself a favor, ignore her COMPLETELY and be happy! Why are you so worried about her? She's fine! She'll let you know if she wants her things, and as for the gift, well... why even bother at this point? Who cares, she's gone, tell her not to waste her time with you because the gift is TOTALLY pointless except to ease her guilt for treating a good person like you so badly. I still have gifts I had intended to give my stbxw for her birthday, I wrote and threw away a love note, but you know what? I've remained mostly in LC or NC. I reached out once at 3 months to try and just catch up, rejected. At 4 months, I actually sent her a congrats for a good career move, and we actually caught up a little bit that day. I feel like it was a mistake, but to be honest, I sent that for me. I did feel good knowing she was happy, but I probably should have kept it to myself in retrospect. Why even care when they don't AT ALL? Go be happy and stop worrying about someone that doesn't have the time of day for you. If she realizes she's made a mistake, well, handle it then. In the mean time, focus on work/school, go party with other girls and be happy. Good luck, I know it sounds easy, but most of us on the boards here do know how tough it can be.

[Farsight]

You don't want a text or email exchange... you want to keep things as short as possible and not get emotional. If she keeps badgering you about it, it's OK to ignore her. You got it though... just tell her it's best not to accept it and you need her to respect that decision. Let her hurt, that's not your issue to worry about!

 

You're on NC for you as Tara explained. I understand, some of the info on NC didn't make sense to me when I first read it. I was so worried about how my ex would take it and I cared more about reconciling than healing.

 

However, please believe me when I tell you, you need to trust in NC right now. You asked us what will make a dumper come back, and even though that's not as important as you healing, trust us - we know what makes a dumper come back and what doesn't. You worrying about your ex hurting does nothing to bring her back or help matters. You getting you back, even though it may seem like you are pursuing it in a selfish fashion is the only thing that matters right now, no need to worry about how it affects anything else.

 

If your ex were to give you this gift, it would be a setback for you emotionally - so what do we do? We don't accept it. That's really all there is to it. The reason why everyone here will keep telling you NC is not about getting your ex back is because we have seen and been through enough to know just how important you healing really is and why it's where your focus needs to be. But the truth is, yes... NC is actually the best way to get your ex back to even though that's NOT why you concern yourself with implementing it. I do not like to be as "tough love" as some other people on the board but the truth is the relationship is over between you two right now and what matters right now is living life without your ex, and I mean really living life without your ex in it.

 

Thx Lylat, I am really glad I have a place to vent and talk about this. And with people who have something usefull to say about it.

I am trying to live without her. Doing things without her opinion of it in my head and stuff. Maybe it just a way of letting go in steps. Thats what she is doing to by wanting to stay friends and stuff. I don't know how dumpee let go or how. Don't worry guys I will stay NC. I will have some time to think about what to do about her breaking the NC.

 

Its funny when she called me 2 weeks ago or something. She still was busy what I thought of her. And I played it cool and wasn't as strongly opinionaited about it anymore (like in the relationship). She even repeated it. Did you hear what I said? I said yeah thats nice. Being friendly but not her BF.

[lylat333]

You're welcome, farsight, I did mean it when I say I feel for you and hope you make the best decisions for you in this tough time.

 

Try not to spend too much time thinking about how you'll respond if she breaks NC. The NC guide would say simply ignore her in the vast majority of cases... if you do respond do not facilitate ongoing communication. Why? Because right now her motivation is all about easing her guilt as the dumper, and that is NOT what you exist for!! This might sound mean, but she's hurt you... you yank her off that pedestal and put yourself there!!

 

Not surprising at all she was shocked you started to seem indifferent. The sad thing is the dumper is fueled by the dumpee's hurt. The scariest thing to them is you being better off without them and not needing them. You do that with your actions - not accepting this gift is a great example, I agree w/ some of what man-guy said. Don't worry about trying to put on a big act... you gotta love yourself, allow yourself to heal and not get sucked into the dumper using you to fulfill their emotional needs.

[Farsight]

You're welcome, farsight, I did mean it when I say I feel for you and hope you make the best decisions for you in this tough time.

 

Try not to spend too much time thinking about how you'll respond if she breaks NC. The NC guide would say simply ignore her in the vast majority of cases... if you do respond do not facilitate ongoing communication. Why? Because right now her motivation is all about easing her guilt as the dumper, and that is NOT what you exist for!! This might sound mean, but she's hurt you... you yank her off that pedestal and put yourself there!!

 

Not surprising at all she was shocked you started to seem indifferent. The sad thing is the dumper is fueled by the dumpee's hurt. The scariest thing to them is you being better off without them and not needing them. You do that with your actions - not accepting this gift is a great example, I agree w/ some of what man-guy said. Don't worry about trying to put on a big act... you gotta love yourself, allow yourself to heal and not get sucked into the dumper using you to fulfill their emotional needs.

 

Thx a lot, its really hard sometimes. I try to keep my mind occupied. Ofcourse we had problems. But she was my first real girlfriend(i wasnt in love with my other girlfriends). And believe it or not but I think we deeply connected because both of us needed love so bad. I didn't believe in love before i met her. I know you got to relativate does things. I am logical analytical guy most of the time, thinking is the way to truth is my motto. But she made me believe in al those mythical love things. I am telling myself I learned a lot about not what to do wrong in a relationship and stuff. But I still wish I had some experience with real love before I met her. I am afraid I always regret losing her. She was in some ways out of my leageau. She said she never had I guy like me and she had a lot of relationships. Where that all lies? She wanted to get married and have kids. Why did she say does things? Why didn't she want to fight for us? I regret not asking her those things. I thought she needed space and now its to late. I still think about a romatic gesture or a good talk about us and its already been a month after break up. Love hurts so bad when you lose it. Maybe I should stay away from it. But if i meet up with her it will only lead to more pain. Like in Tara guide closure you are never going to get from your ex. Why the hell didnt she want to talk about it? We always talked for hours about everything. I miss her.

[mattboltz]

I am the dumper in my situation. I loved her, but I did not think she was giving enough to the relationship so I ended it with her. Now after 2 months I want her back in the worst way. I just realized that I haven't lost any feelings for her, and honestly I think I may have overreacted. I just contacted her for the first time yesterday.

[TaraMaiden]

Bad idea.

If she's not contacted you, and told you in september she couldn't do a relationship, you've just opened the door to 'back to square one' heartache....

[ponchsox]

I am the dumper in my situation. I loved her, but I did not think she was giving enough to the relationship so I ended it with her. Now after 2 months I want her back in the worst way. I just realized that I haven't lost any feelings for her, and honestly I think I may have overreacted. I just contacted her for the first time yesterday.

 

Please be careful how you approach this. You may have broken her trust and need to work on getting it back. Perhaps you should start off as friends and go from there? Sometimes you don't know what you got until it's gone.

[BottleofHope]

To be honest, I broke up with my ex once because she did something wrong and I wanted to 'have more space' between us. She did everything, called everyday, texted everyday, asking me out all the time, etc, SHE DID EVERYTHING..... But I did not go back.

 

Then, as soon as she stops giving me attention and I found out she was starting to date other people, all hell broke lose!!!! I realize that I loved her only when she gave me no attention at all. This is some freaky stuff but I tell you, all the NC things really do work.

[MrWhite]

No contact.

If contact: The wish them the best, hope they find or have found happiness, be positive, mention very good things you both have done, talk about small things you plan to do without them, keep the details about how you feel locked up. If they are dating someone, tell them you are happy they have fallen in love and wish that things would have worked out like that. (most likely they are not in love with the new person and you just reminded them that you and them once were)

 

They only way they come back is if they experience loss, miss you and what you had to offer, or feel that their opportunity to get you back is shrinking or no longer there.

 

Invest in improving yourself. Go out and do new things.

Time passes and new people come into your life. Do not wait around or stop doing things you enjoyed doing before.

 

They are not wanted to get back together with someone who is stuck. Keep going forward and work on other things you want to get done in your life. They might think they are missing the boat or will get left behind.

 

I have been married to my "ex" for 20 years now after she dumped me for another person. (I was blind sided and she slept with him)

Second chances do exist.

You need to 100% stand on your own before you ever get back together or you will never be on equal terms.

If you can have them call you and ask you get back together and say "no", then you might be able to deal with a second chance relationship.

 

No contact works.

In addition, having them call you up a few times randomly to try to "validate" their decision, also is a plus.

They are looking to remove guilt or prove to themselves that they made the right decision. Give them the complete opposite even if not true.

"Things are good!", "I am glad you have found a new person to be in love with", "Since I was unable to do this before, I decided to do this", "I met someone also", "I am going to focus on the job I always wanted to have", "I joined a new XYZ and started doing XYZ".

Always be positive if contacted.

 

 

 

Good luck.

Edited November 1, 2013 by MrWhite