Change of tactics

[Lucy L]

Hi

 

My partner and I have been having unresolved desputes for what seems like an eternity.

 

Finally - I thought I would change tactics and NOT REACT to the stuff he does to wind me up -- I am amazed at his response - he has done typical 'me' (previously) behaviours, like storming off, driving off, getting drunk.

 

What should I do?

[Tony T]

People learn attention-getting tactics as infants. Babies throw tantrums in order to get a reaction, positive or negative, from mommie. Your guy is stuck in that developmental stage and needs to grow up. What he is doing is pretty infantile.

 

It's just a simple case of arrested development. Your experiment clearly showed what his response is when his tantrums get no reaction from you. You were amazed...but his reaction was very predictable. Ignore a screaming, spoiled child who wants attention and see what happens.

 

Since he is emotionally stuck at a very primitive (early age) level, he may even be unable or, better said unwilling, to resolve disputes. He needs them in order to form his attention-getting reactions so it is in his best interests to have on-going unresolved problems with you.

 

He needs some help. You've got child in a man's body here. Grown, mature, rational men just don't act this way at all.

 

Humans get stuck emotionally at different levels of development for different reasons. It could be that many of his needs as a child were not met...and he is angry and still waiting. It could be that an early caregiver was incompetent or abandoned him through divorce or death. Or, it could be that his tantrums worked so very well as an infant (he was spoiled) that continued use of these tactics has served him well into adulthood. Whatever the reason, you've got a serious problem on your hands.

 

If I were you, I would leave him in a heartbeat because the life you have to look forward to is pretty grim until/unless he snaps out of his spell and begins to once again grow emotionally. But knowing you love him and that leaving may not be an option, it might be best to just calmly listen to him and respond to him as you would a child.

 

There is truly no adult way to respond to another adult who is behaving as a child. If they ever invent an emotional incubator, he'd be a great candidate.

 

Just don't ever give him a bottle...but, then again, that may be what he's wanting.

 

Now, that's my opinion. Please seek that of others...because I pray to God I am wrong.

[ashesmum]

Sounds like to me, he's a 2 yr old. Maybe it would be best to find some your age and who will treat you right. There's no reason for you to have to put up with his crap just cause it suits him. You've tried hard to make it work, but he's just getting more mad cause you're not reacting to his "tantrums". Buy him a pacifier and tell him "see ya!".

Hi My partner and I have been having unresolved desputes for what seems like an eternity. Finally - I thought I would change tactics and NOT REACT to the stuff he does to wind me up -- I am amazed at his response - he has done typical 'me' (previously) behaviours, like storming off, driving off, getting drunk. What should I do?

[Lucy L]

Yes he is rather childish at times. His mother controlled his every move (over reaction here) till I came along. He has been a recluse most of his life.

 

He is however EXTREMELY intelligent IQ wise. In the top 1% of the world. Computer nerd maybe?

 

Now we seem to be just avoiding each other despite living under the same roof. He sleeps in the lounge area. This is 3-4 nights now. What will I do?

 

When I went out for a walk last night he came out of his room and had put the front door light on and changed the trash liner. On my return - he was in his room.

 

Thanks Tony and ashesmum for your answers.

 

Sounds like to me, he's a 2 yr old. Maybe it would be best to find some your age and who will treat you right. There's no reason for you to have to put up with his crap just cause it suits him. You've tried hard to make it work, but he's just getting more mad cause you're not reacting to his "tantrums". Buy him a pacifier and tell him "see ya!".