Will she talk to me again?

[GGZ]

Hi everyone,

 

I am sorry for the long post, but I would like to share my story for advice and comments. I have some anxiety issues, so I just wanted to talk to someone. Thank for your time reading my post.

 

With this being said, I will jump straight to my question and main reason which has led me here. You must have heard about this story before. I have a good friend, whom I visited this summer. We have known each other for the past three years (I am 22 and she is 21) and have been genuinely good friends and close (long-distance relationships). This summer I went to visit her and when I visited her, we both felt happy to catch up especially after such a long time(last time we have seen each other was a year and half ago) and I invited her for some coffee and talked about our life goals and beliefs. I don't know how to say it, but I feel we are EXACTLY the same in personality and interests. I can really be myself with her and it seems we can tell anything to each other. She also said that if next time I am coming to visit her, if I have no place to stay I can stay at her flat, and I proposed the same thing to her. Everything seems to be going just fine when after I emailed on fb to say how happy I was to see her, she told me that she hopes she did not give any wrong impressions between us. I know what she meant and understand that she wishes that we stay as friends.

 

I believe love is when you are ready to forget yourself and only care about the other side's well-being and happiness. I respect my friend's decision and wrote her back about my concern for her and understanding of her feelings. For some reasons she did not get back to me, and to worsen the scenario, I accidentally deleted her profile on my facebook account, but immediately sent her an apology and friend request. She has not got back to me and I made the stupid mistake of sending her another message telling her that I did not want to lose her friendship and that I'll always be there to help and listen to her. But she then blocked me.

 

I am very anxious and depressed, and I know that I must give her space. But I do not want to lose her; she means a lot to me. I am not very good with women, and my past attempts with girls did not end well. However I feel this friend of mine can understand me and there is that connection between us when we talk and see each other; I don't think there is someone else who resembles her or can do the same she does with me. I genuinely care about her as a friend and I want to do anything to keep her as my friend. I really don't know what to do and I try to reason myself that it will be fine, but my heart wants me to do more. I will never hurt her in any ways; seeing her happy truly makes me happy. I just want to be there and help her when she is need whether it is financially or anything other ways; I sincerely do not want ANYTHING in return, I just want to give. I know that you guys will say that this is a lost fight since she does not have any feelings for me, but I am happy to just be there for her when she needs help, just making her day is more than I can ask for. It motivates me to better myself and carry on my studies and training. She will always have a place in my heart, and though I may have lost her, I will be glad to lend her a hand if she contacts me. I just hope she will talk to me again.

 

I may sound sensitive and naïve, but I would rather be hurt by her and stay in touch with her than breaking off with her and being happy; as long as I can hear from her, I am more than happy. Will she be my friend again some day? It has been a month since I have not heard from her and I wonder what I have done wrong to make her go away. Will she someday unblock me and tell me at least what bothered her? What can I do now?

 

Thank for all you who have the patience to read my post and time.

Edited September 16, 2013 by GGZ

[HiddenUser]

GGZ, while I can't relate to what you're going through, I can definitely relate in some ways to how you're feeling. I don't want to be so straightforward, but I feel I should be since no one else has stepped up. She's blocked communication with you and hasn't talked to you for a month - she's not coming back. This is really hard to accept, I know, but the sooner you understand it the sooner you'll be back on the road to happiness. I noticed you mentioned you have anxiety issues. It's very easy to let the fear eat at you for so long that you become stuck in an infinite loop of negativity. When that happens, it's extremely easy to latch onto people that show you any sign of friendship or affection. Most people don't like that, so they back off very quickly. I don't know if this is the case but it's definitely something I've seen many times over the years. People from all walks of life have made that mistake, so don't feel bad if you think that's the case.

 

The point is, she's not interested. She's totally cut you off for over a month. Unfortunately, that's a very, very clear sign. Don't feel sorry for yourself, though. She wasn't worth your time. Start reading some self-help articles and examining your life a little bit. Try to see if there are other things you can put some energy into outside of worrying about whether or not this girl is going to come back. You'll find yourself with someone totally new to talk to that's 10x better than her.

Edited September 16, 2013 by HiddenUser

[CC12]

Will she be my friend again some day? It has been a month since I have not heard from her and I wonder what I have done wrong to make her go away. Will she someday unblock me and tell me at least what bothered her?

 

Probably not, I'm afraid. She didn't want to tell you what bothered her before, and I doubt there's anything that would change her mind. People who disappear without giving a reason want to avoid a confrontation. Reappearing to explain themselves does not seem likely.

 

You can try to figure out on your own what may have bothered her. I'm thinking you left out a few things from your story, like how she knew you were interested in her, or how you behaved after she told you she just wanted to be friends. If you share these parts of the story with us, perhaps we can help you figure out what went wrong. But since you left them out in the first place, I'm guessing you already know that's where it went wrong.

 

Don't dwell on it too much, though. You left the ball in her court. You said you'd always be there for her so you left it open for her to contact you. If she wants to, she will. But don't count on it.

[tart6245]

What else happened? I have a situation with a girl sort of like this, except I got into a pretty nasty argument with her one night after I was drinking and said some things that were wrong, and she ended up blocking me.

 

This doesn't seem so bad, but her disappearance seems odd. If you aren't near each other and she did this, just leave it alone. Sometimes people come back. It's been a month, but I've had girls disappear for longer than that and finally come back, but those girls lived near me so that could be it.

 

But her actions don't make any sense. You said you were happy to see her and she responded with she hopes she didn't give off the wrong impression. Ok. Either that isn't entirely true or this girl seems a bit...out there...maybe self obsessed. Either way, this story doesn't add up.

 

My best advice is to leave this alone unless you got angry or something and wronged her, then an apology and disappearing may be in order. Otherwise, just leave her alone. She's not near you anyway. No need to fret over someone who's out of town.

[darkmoon]

people come and go, sh*t happens, do not brood over it, people can be fickle

 

try building a new life, plan a new chapter, have fun, we all get nervous xx

 

go to meetup, a very good social group

[GGZ]

Probably not, I'm afraid. She didn't want to tell you what bothered her before, and I doubt there's anything that would change her mind. People who disappear without giving a reason want to avoid a confrontation. Reappearing to explain themselves does not seem likely.

 

You can try to figure out on your own what may have bothered her. I'm thinking you left out a few things from your story, like how she knew you were interested in her, or how you behaved after she told you she just wanted to be friends. If you share these parts of the story with us, perhaps we can help you figure out what went wrong. But since you left them out in the first place, I'm guessing you already know that's where it went wrong.

 

Don't dwell on it too much, though. You left the ball in her court. You said you'd always be there for her so you left it open for her to contact you. If she wants to, she will. But don't count on it.

 

Well when she told me that she only wants to be friends, I sent her back that message telling her that I am fine with that and I am glad to have her as a friend. Then she did not get back to me for a week, so I wanted to reassure her and tell her she had nothing to worry about. She gave me NC and later blocked me...I only wanted to let her know that I understood where she was coming from, nothing more. I guess I went too far.

[todreaminblue]

hey ggz, i feel for you , i can see that you just want to be a friend to her.....but ...you know those feelings go deeper.....so you really cant be her friend.......how you are feeling now is how you will feel when anything goes wrong.....

 

 

i had a similar situation, tried to be a guys friend who i had stronger feelings for, didnt work, i suffer from paranoia i am schizo affective so if soemoen doesnt get back to me my brain starts ticking not something i can really stop without really zombiefying medication so i just have to deal with it, the friends that truly care about me understand and say hey deb its ok...they ease my paranoia by saying dont you worry deb its a ok here.......but ....the guy i was talking to probably thought i like another poster said was latching on..and because i had deeper feelings for him (i never said anything inappropriate).... he terminated the friendship and then he decided more or less that there never was one......so like that ....its over.....ill never contact him again...i have cut all contact......it helped that he was rather nasty actually....i dont want to be around people like that...my days of being shamed are over and i have enough people who love having me around i didnt want to have strong feelings for anyone that way

 

 

you need to do this no contact.....if she wanted to contact you she would have but she has blocked you.......she doesnt want to contact you theres nothing you can do.......you have to respect that making someone uncomfortable isnt nice.....you have anxiety so you know what uncomfortable feels like and it isnt fair to make someone else feel like that...

 

 

 

 

you dont need to apologize to her, you did nothing wrong...how she feels is not up to you...let her go .......find another group or place you can go where its new for you, dont hang at places where you and her used to hang, lose her number, start afresh with peopel who want you around, who enjoy yrou company and understadn you a little better and dont jump to conclusions ....... eventually the hurt will fade and you will meet people a little more suited to who you are

 

 

she is actually making your anxiety worse and thats not a good place for you to be.......true friends dont make you feel worse or less than what you are...true friends make you feel good they care how you feel.....i wish you well...huge hugs...deb

[GGZ]

What else happened? I have a situation with a girl sort of like this, except I got into a pretty nasty argument with her one night after I was drinking and said some things that were wrong, and she ended up blocking me.

 

This doesn't seem so bad, but her disappearance seems odd. If you aren't near each other and she did this, just leave it alone. Sometimes people come back. It's been a month, but I've had girls disappear for longer than that and finally come back, but those girls lived near me so that could be it.

 

But her actions don't make any sense. You said you were happy to see her and she responded with she hopes she didn't give off the wrong impression. Ok. Either that isn't entirely true or this girl seems a bit...out there...maybe self obsessed. Either way, this story doesn't add up.

 

My best advice is to leave this alone unless you got angry or something and wronged her, then an apology and disappearing may be in order. Otherwise, just leave her alone. She's not near you anyway. No need to fret over someone who's out of town.

 

Thanks for your comments, Tarheelian.

 

When she sent that message saying that she wishes that we remain friends only, I sent her back a message that I understand her feelings and there is nothing she should worry about. She then gave me NC, and to reassure her I sent her another message to tell her I do not expect anything from her, I just want to be her friend. I was sincere and told her that she is very good friend, for whom I can be happy and help in any case. She has not got back to me since, I think I pushed her too far. But I only wanted to reassure her and make sure she is all right; I hope she'll realize someday that I only wanted to wish her well, nothing more.

 

By the way, I forgot to mention something, a small detail I think in this story. I took a few pictures with her when I visited her, and when I tagged us on facebook, she removed my tag, and I felt a bit weird, (there is no point in tagging only yourself), so I removed my tag as well. I kind of imagine that she did not want anyone to see a picture of herself with me...

[GGZ]

Hi deb, I am happy that you shared your story; it makes me feel people can relate to you and that we are not alone in this world. I know I made her uncomfortable, and I tried to reassure her that I meant no harm, and wanted to fix any wrongdoings I have done to her. But I think I have to let her go as hard this may seem. I am sorry for what happened between your friend and you; I am surprised that people can act like this towards their peers. He was definitively not worth your time. I admire how you have had the courage to stand and come out of this life lesson; I wish I can do as well. But I am so stubborn; whether it is going to the gym or studying in the library, I want to push my own limits and stay in the race forever. It is like I do not want to give up, and I realize this causes some of my anxiety. Sometimes, some friends tell me, hey George, you have done enough, it is time to let go. In my mind I am aware of what I am doing, and that it is to my best interest to stop it, but I feel I need to exhaust and go beyond what I can do, and when hurt, to get up again and keep up the fight...I realize by doing that I can make people I care uncomfortable, and I have but to set my boundaries.

 

This friend has been special to me, and I can't help but having more and more feelings for her. It is like I know what she was to say next and vice versa, and we would not be afraid to say embarrassing things to each other (

 

she: hey George, have you ever smoked?

 

Me: no, not planning to before soon! And you?

 

she: Yeah thrice, last time was last week and it was weed!

 

Me: Ahh ok (in my mind, next time we hang out, we will get lost somewhere and I am gonna give it a try!)

 

Perhaps I put her on that pedestral, which I should not. I did so because I wanted to protect her; it is the way I care about her. I wanted to do everything to make sure we stay friends, but I have learned one has to think about what the other side thinks too.

 

I will give her space for sure, and not think about her too much. A few days ago I had this crazy idea that I'll save up enough money to pay for a luxurious condo to give it to her, so that she doesn't have any financial burdens. And to make her feel not bad, I will ask a friend of hers to say that it is her that bought it for her, and never mention my name behind that. I think this is irrational, and I won't do it; I will strive to think more about myself.

[tart6245]

Just leave her alone. She sounds paranoid. If she doesn't want to be seen with you on Facebook, why bother? Why be friends with someone who doesn't want people to think you're friends? This still isn't making sense to me. It sounds like she's pretty self obsessed if all this is true, and you need to avoid her. That, or your constant assuring that you just want to be friends scared her off. Maybe she sees through it and wants to end it, but instead of telling you she just took the easy way out and blocked you.

 

Either way, try to move on. You don't want that in your life.

[GGZ]

It sounds like she's pretty self obsessed if all this is true, and you need to avoid her. That, or your constant assuring that you just want to be friends scared her off. Maybe she sees through it and wants to end it, but instead of telling you she just took the easy way out and blocked you.

 

Either way, try to move on. You don't want that in your life.

 

I believe (and like to think) that my constant assuring pushed her away. She is a very loving and good friend, so I don't think she has any problems as far as I know.

 

I will move on. But doesn't she have any thoughts about me? How can she just erase me just like that...I thought I was a good friend?

[tart6245]

I'm sure she has thought about you, but girls can be extremely cold, more so than men. They can make up their mind and even if they are wrong, they will stick with their decision, no matter how stupid it may be, and force themselves to move on.

 

You may have pressured her too much and she cut you off. She may miss the way things were, but fear that they'll never be the same again. It's a shame too, but that's how it is. That's why I tend to not be friends with girls. I can't say I've ever had a girl friend last very long. Feelings always get complicated and things fall apart.

[GGZ]

I guess you are right. I don't blame her for anything, and I would have probably done something similar.

 

Above all, if she is happier and can enjoy her everyday life by cutting me off, then I can only be happy for her since her well-being matters the most to me here. I hope she'll be all right, and smile in life.

[todreaminblue]

But I am so stubborn; whether it is going to the gym or studying in the library, I want to push my own limits and stay in the race forever. It is like I do not want to give up, and I realize this causes some of my anxiety. Sometimes, some friends tell me, hey George, you have done enough, it is time to let go. In my mind I am aware of what I am doing, and that it is to my best interest to stop it, but I feel I need to exhaust and go beyond what I can do, and when hurt, to get up again and keep up the fight...I realize by doing that I can make people I care uncomfortable, and I have but to set my boundaries.

 

 

Perhaps I put her on that pedestral, which I should not. I did so because I wanted to protect her; it is the way I care about her. I wanted to do everything to make sure we stay friends, but I have learned one has to think about what the other side thinks too.

 

I will give her space for sure, and not think about her too much. A few days ago I had this crazy idea that I'll save up enough money to pay for a luxurious condo to give it to her, so that she doesn't have any financial burdens. And to make her feel not bad, I will ask a friend of hers to say that it is her that bought it for her, and never mention my name behind that. I think this is irrational, and I won't do it; I will strive to think more about myself.

 

 

part of being schizo affective is that i am ocd ......i rarely give up .. ....if i cant be ocd about the thing i want to be ocd about, if it causes others problems...i channel it elsewhere......you need to channel it else where.......i use exercise.....that way i can sleep pretty well...

 

staying friends with someone who you have feelings for is really hard i was also willing to put aside my own feelings to consider his i wanted to know him better .....he had my heart as a friend......i knew the chances were i was the one who would be hurt........and.....it happened a bit of a shock when it did though wasnt expecting it to be that kind of hurt......when i got the message apparently i just went white......all color gone........and then i did the stupid thing of texting back straight away, trying to apologize and made myself look pathetic and attention seeking which i wasnt i was in shock......needless to say........i am in no contact.......i am channeling all that hurt away from me......through exercise and doing what i love...smilin...one is coming on here and trying to help others......journaling getting any negativity out and away and deleting it....poetry......sad ass poetry...lol.......

 

 

 

and lastly in forgiveness...working on that one still, he really hurt me and i was really vulnerable when he did...its harder when you know they dont regret anything...they dont care how you feel or how they affected you...but you have to move on and forgiveness is a very important stage.......and realize that however harsh they were or the ignoring if they do that .......you can use it to move on...you can use it to keep no contact.....when you think that you are the last person they want to hear from, the last person they think of , if at all, and not one they want around you creep them out...thats what i think of.......and you just fade off........

 

 

 

take some time for you and channel it elsewhere into soemthing for you not for her.......maybe she might contact you again ...if she has blocked you...thats pretty big.......i have never blocked anyone from face book.....or my phone.....i dont believe in blocking people, one day they might really need my help so i dont block....ill deactivate the whole account so i dotn have reminders...i dont hang with friends who are common (or as little as possible) to both or go places i associate with that person...i am a visceral person so physical reminders have to be eliminated...staying away from yes.....moving away yes......

i wish you much luck i feel your heartache you have to let her go i know it will be hard for you ....i am with you on that one...best wishes......hugs...deb

[GGZ]

Thank you a lot, that has made me feel better. I have channeled that energy into exercise and reading, and I think it works fine so far. I am sure we all pause and think about the past, and what things would have been if on that day I did not do this, how she/he would have stayed...But I think life is too short to live with regrets.

 

Someone once said that those who we love are never really gone; in our memory and spirits, they live on. We move along and continue with life; sometimes some come, some go, and leave scars, but I guess this is how life turns out to be. I just wonder if someday, she will miss me. If she ever comes back, I will be ready to talk to her without letting my feelings getting in the way of rebuilding our friendship.

 

Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate it; it makes me better to share my story here and hear what others think.

[tart6245]

I am running 4 miles a day to keep myself calm through this process. Unfortunately, I also feel no need to apologize for my behavior with this girl after I get back from my run, so maybe that's a bad thing.

[GGZ]

I like running too, and I am making sure to exercise everyday; it sure helps me stay positive and healthy mentally and physically. I realize now how maybe she does not cherish our friendship as much as I do; sooner or later this coldness between us is bound to happen.

 

Yet I do not have any sexual attraction to her; I don't see myself kissing or embracing her as a romantic partner. But I have a lot of affection and care for my significant other. I would genuinely take a bullet for her. I will always be this cushion she can step on to reach her goals and heal her wounds. But not having her in my life hurts me more than losing a lifetime lover.

 

I want to thank you all, for your posts. I will once a while re-read your comments and definitely take more time to take care of my own needs. I'll see if I can help others later on in this forum.

Edited September 20, 2013 by GGZ

[GGZ]

I am moving on slowly, but gradually. Sorry for lingering on this, but I have one more question. I have thought about breaking NC when it will reach 7-8 months and send her this email. What do you guys think?

 

Dear___

 

I hope you have been well. This is my only way I can still reach you; I want to tell you how sorry I am for how things are between us now.I plan on closing my previous Facebook account, so I made a new one to stay in touch with close friends. You can always contact me there if you ever want to talk more.

 

 

I understand you do not want to talk to me anymore. I am sorry how things turn out to be cold between us. I would love to do a lot to bring things back to how they used to be. I don’t and will never blame you for anything. I have realized how foolish I was to pressure you with my messages. I have anxiety; it is something I have worked on. I am sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. When I saw that you did not respond, I thought I must have said something that hurt or bothered you. I was afraid I would lose you, so I sent you thatmessage apologizing and revealing my feelings for you. I never wanted to makeyou feel this way. I was worried, but I wanted to make sure you are fine. I should have given you space and perhaps none of this would have happened.

 

I hope we can be friends someday and talk again. But I respect whatever decision you make; feelings can’t be forced because whatever comes out of it will not be natural and it would make things awkward. Honestly no matter what you do or say to me, as long as it makes you feel happier, thenI can only be happy for you—I just want you to be happy in life. I believe people live their life with a meaning and goal: I believe in dedicating my life to help the poor and needy, and care for my loved ones and some close friends such as yourself. Regardless of what you need, I promise that I will always bethere to listen and help you for anything.

 

 

I don’t want anything in return because you have been once my friend and that in itself is a tremendous thing. It really is. It can be sometimes difficult to mark the line between friendship and love, but friendship and love can include a bit of each other in nuances. I am very glad that I can lend you a hand once a while just like a brother in arms, and it makes my day to see that I can contribute to make things easier for you. I will never be angry or mad against you, life is too short to hold grudges against anyone; I will always be there to help you when you need anything. You should never feel bad for asking me anything because helping you is already something quite special to me and I would not exchange it for anything in the world.

 

 

Anyways, I am going to stop with my abstract thoughts: P. Please take care of yourself. I wish you much success in your career. You are genuinely an amazing and unique person. I am saying this not because it comes from me,but because it reflects the reality of the person you are. I am selfish to say this, but I will miss you as my friend. You will always remain my best girl friend in my heart. Knowing that you will be happier and enjoy life makes me smile.You have influenced my life positively as I have become a vegetarian (eating fish though), and kept tracks of my career goals.

Edited October 11, 2013 by GGZ