Can The Feelings Come Back?

[BruisedBNBroken]

My story:

Married 12 years to a wonderful man. Great father, hard working, kind heart, not a negative word to say about him as a person. But the last 2 and a half years have been loveless, sexless, and emotionally void. Complete roommate/coparent situation. Both our faults for letting it get that far but it is what it is. We have 2 young boys - 6 and 10 years old. Started what I guess from reading alot here was an exit affair in June. Lasted a few months, only saw each other a handful of times. It's over now but it woke up my physical and emotional sides that have been dead for so long and the marriage that was "tolerable" for so long has suddenly become miserable to me. Finally had a conversation with him last week (did not confess affair.). He agreed we have really messed up the last few years but really wants to fix it; counseling, retreats, whatever. Since last week, he has been writing me love letters and wanting to talk every night. The problem is, I feel nothing. I almost cringe when he tries to touch me, I have no interest in having these deep talks with him, and his efforts are annoying me. Horrible I know. I will go to marriage counceling because I owe it to the kids to try to keep the family together. But my question to everyone, once the feelings are gone, can they come back? Can the attraction and the romantic feelings come back when they've been gone so long and there is nothing there? I don't want to give anyone false hope but I also am scared to give up.

 

Thank you for reading,

[vla1120]

I'm so frustrated. You came here for help, so I'm going to try to say something helpful. The "new love" feelings always go away. Don't enter into a marriage with the expectation that you'll always feel the lust! Marriage is WORK! HARD WORK!! In my opinion, there are only a few excusable reasons for a divorce:

 

1. Cheating. Yes. Your husband has a damn good reason to dump you. But instead, he's writing you love letters. You must be questioning your worthiness.

 

2. Abuse. Physical or severe emotional abuse. A spouse calling his wife a selfish b*tch doesn't count as abuse.

 

3. Drug or alcohol addiction.

 

If YOU are not the victim of one of those three circumstances, you should suck it up and live up to the vows you took and the promises you made. So what that it's hard!? Later on in life, you get smacked in the face with stuff like cancer, illness, joblessness, and/or problems with your children. If you can't handle a little thing like losing that "loving feeling" trust me, you'll be in no position to handle life's bigger challenges.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You seem to have made this all about you and what you are feeling. You disrespect your husband for trying to do nice things for you. Instead you need to concentrate on you, that is the only thing that you can control. What have you done to repair the relationship. You seem to think that he is responsible for your feelings, when he can't make you feel anything, your feelings are your feelings.

 

If you really were interested in fixing the relationship you would start with honesty and confess to the affair. You cheat on your husband, he writes you love letters and you have the audacity to talk about it making you cringe. Time to put your big girl pants on an be honest, otherwise counseling and talk of reconciliation is a waste of time. There is probably a decent person, behind this self-centered posting, be that person. Your family deserves your honest and best efforts.

[todreaminblue]

you can make feelings resurface....feelings never truly go away they remain in deep freeze until they are remembered adn slowly the ice begins to thaw i would assume that you loved your husband when you married him...do you remember how you used to feel when he touched you try to remember that...try to remembr your nights of passion the smiles you shared the sexy whispers when the kids went down where you couldnt wait to be alone together....brush against him when you walk past and right at that moment.....think of one of the times he made you sigh......tried and true.......romance is what you need to do its not all up to the man to seduce the husband.....seduce your husband...lol...smilin...... have some fun

 

 

as far as the affair goes you need to tell him...that cringing could be guilt.....i feel really sorry for a man who writes sweet love letters to his wife who cringes when he touches her ...its really very sad....so fix it......you can do it.....but honesty needs to come first..guilt is a passion killer.....you are right...you should do anything you possibly can to make this right...and i really hope that everything turns out for your family..i wish you much mutual love in your future together..................d.eb

[cozycottagelg]

I am in the exact same situation. Minus the affair part. When my husband touches me, I cringe. When he does nice things, it makes me angry.

 

I feel like his last ditch attempts to save our marriage are fake. If he really cared, he'd have been doing it.

 

I hold a ton of resentment and anger toward him. I don't see my feelings coming back at all.

 

Do you want yours to come back?

 

Hugs... PM me if you wanna chat...I know exactly how you are feeling.

[NYWoman]

To the first two posters, she asked for help trying to get those loving feelings back, not a judgement whether affairs are evil. From one who has been in her shoes, I can tell you, you have only made matters worse.

 

Yes, some of us can get those feeling back, but to be honest, it isn't something you can wish for, it is something that just happens. And most likely the ball is in your husbands court to do things that you find attractive and therefore attracts you. Talking wont' get you there.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, some of us can get those feeling back, but to be honest, it isn't something you can wish for, it is something that just happens. And most likely the ball is in your husbands court to do things that you find attractive and therefore attracts you. Talking wont' get you there.

Wow. Do you think she has any responsibility to contribute or is the "ball" entirely in his court? I guess being a "wonderful man. Great father, hard working, kind heart" while she's planning her exit through an affair isn't enough.

 

BruisedBNBroken, your affair is part of your current marital disconnect. Either get it on the table and deal with the difficult and painful issues involved or divorce. Going off to "marriage camp" under the present circumstances is a waste of both of your time. If you care at all for this "wonderful man", give him a chance or let him go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GuyInLimbo]

To the first two posters, she asked for help trying to get those loving feelings back, not a judgement whether affairs are evil. From one who has been in her shoes, I can tell you, you have only made matters worse.

 

Yes, some of us can get those feeling back, but to be honest, it isn't something you can wish for, it is something that just happens. And most likely the ball is in your husbands court to do things that you find attractive and therefore attracts you. Talking wont' get you there.

 

I agree. I find those posts very condescending and judgmental. Should she have had an affair? Maybe not. But life isn't that black and white. Perhaps that was her wake-up call. But don't sit her and blindly tell people they are selfish and "not honoring their vows." To make someone stay in an unloving, depressing situation out of some sort of guilt is just bullsh*t to me.

 

OP, I can only speak for myself. It's my experience those feelings don't come back once one has reached some sort of "point of no return." Am I right? I don't know. I think the fact that you are willing to go to counseling is all you can go with right now. See where that takes you.

 

However, don't ever admit the affair to your H. I think that will nuke his ability to fix things.

[harrybrown]

When you have your affair, you try to ease your guilt and justify the affair by all the bad things your spouse has done or the person that they are in your mind.

 

When you had the affair, you shot and killed your love for him. Help him now by telling him how you lost your love for him by having your selfish affair.

 

You will destroy him with the affair, so tell him, then file for divorce. Find out what made you have such lousy boundaries that you could have an affair, and get help in counseling so you do not kill the next relationship.

[Oberfeldwebel]

To the first two posters, she asked for help trying to get those loving feelings back, not a judgement whether affairs are evil. From one who has been in her shoes, I can tell you, you have only made matters worse.

 

Yes, some of us can get those feeling back, but to be honest, it isn't something you can wish for, it is something that just happens. And most likely the ball is in your husbands court to do things that you find attractive and therefore attracts you. Talking wont' get you there.

 

This is the biggest bunch of hog wash I have ever heard. You too are blaming her husband for her feelings. He can romance, wine and dine, bring her flowers, do all kinds of things.....but he can't change her feelings. Also you insinuate that HE has to do all these things. What is she doing to help the relationship? Nothing. Will it get better? I highly doubt it because they aren't dealing with the problems, just the emotions. Until she has an honest conversation with her husband and gets into counseling and addresses the issues in this marriage, then all this other stuff is just dust in the wind.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I agree. I find those posts very condescending and judgmental. Should she have had an affair? Maybe not. But life isn't that black and white. Perhaps that was her wake-up call. But don't sit her and blindly tell people they are selfish and "not honoring their vows." To make someone stay in an unloving, depressing situation out of some sort of guilt is just bullsh*t to me.

 

OP, I can only speak for myself. It's my experience those feelings don't come back once one has reached some sort of "point of no return." Am I right? I don't know. I think the fact that you are willing to go to counseling is all you can go with right now. See where that takes you.

 

However, don't ever admit the affair to your H. I think that will nuke his ability to fix things.

 

Having an affair is selfish.....period, you may like that or not like that, but it is the ultimate lie to your spouse and will lead to the demise of the relationship in the long run. Some people get the feeling back, others do not, but again it is irrelevant as none of this has any bearings on her feelings. I think that most relationships can be fixed, but it must start with honest and sincere communication. They need professional help to resolve this situation and that too must start with honesty. Her husband obviously won't be happy, but deserves to know the truth.

[2.50 a gallon]

Whether the finger pointers like it or not, her being right or wrong, is irrelevant. The fact is her body is no longer producing love chemicals for her husband.

 

This is beyond her control.

 

What her husband has to do is find away to trigger her body into once again producing these chemicals. Talking, romancing, wining and dining, will not work, until her body once again floods her brain with oxytocin.

[ChooseTruth]

I don't think the feelings can come back with this massive secret between you two. You'll always think he doesn't know or love the real you. How can he? He doesn't know you anymore, he just knows what you choose to show him. He has no idea what he's up against and he doesn't know that you just see him as a fool now. You've lost respect. Honesty. It will make your marriage come back, or it will put the final nail in the coffin so you can move on. Better either of those ways than living a slowly dieing lie. Hopefully you don't get pregnant.

[vla1120]

Okay. So. Now I'm being criticized for voicing my opinion. I guess perhaps there should be two forums for people coming out here for advice about divorce, one for the cheaters and one for the betrayed spouses. Am I bitter? Yes. Maybe the posters don't need warm fuzzies about how it's not their fault they lost that loving feeling and so it's okay to look for the loving somewhere else. Maybe they need a reality check to really comprehend what the cheating will do to their family, their spouse, their children. If posters are coming out to this forum looking for me to feel bad for them and excuse their behavior, it's not happening. I'll call them on the cheating every time.

 

Don't complicate your marriage by having an affair. Stop the affair, give your marriage the attention it deserves, try counseling, be honest with your spouse. After you've exhausted all avenues, if you feel the same, THEN leave your spouse with a clear conscience.

[Man-guy]

Well, having been on the receiving end of similar treatment (no cheating, definite crossed boundaries though), I can say what my POV has been. You are totally checked out of the marriage. You have to be the one to check yourself back in. That SHOULD start with honesty. After that, you need to start pulling YOUR weight in this marriage if you want it to work. People say it's 50-50, that's kind of true to me... To me, it doesn't mean, "he did this, so I feel justified in doing this" etc... to me it means you both pull your own weight to make it work. You are responsible for making yourself happy, not your husband. He's pulling much more than the normal 50% he should have to because he's desperate to make things work. Sadly, it doesn't matter at all until YOU start to pull your weight in this relationship. He could be 10 times more anything in regards to meeting your needs, time, comfort, w/e, but if you're not willing to make it work, it won't, it's that simple. For both your mutual happiness, you need to decide if this marriage is worth saving or not. Don't stay because of guilt, fear of hurting someone, etc. For things to work out, you need to stay because you want to work it out and love that man. If you're not willing to work for it or feel that the relationship is over, then you should get it over with so you can both move on. I really hope this helps somewhat, I hope for the best for you and your family.

[2.50 a gallon]

bk

 

The problem is that his touch makes her cringe. So the chances that if she tries any of your suggestions, there is little chance of getting her body to restart producing the love chemicals for her husband.

 

The best bet is for her husband to find a way to make him attractive to her once more. Working out, losing weight, adding muscle, growing a beard, letting his hair grow long, or if long trimming it, new clothes, a tattoo, learning to dance, buying a motorcycle, have a far better chance of getting her interested in him again.

 

From what I have read they were both living with some depression. If he could learn how to love life and live it, in short celebrate life, is one of the most attractive things a man can do.

[Man-guy]

I agree Gallon. The problem though is that, at least from the post, he is trying now... I WAS the guy that was trying desperately, if the other party does nothing except keep those feelings of resentment, NOTHING he does will matter :/ It's textbook, totally happened to me... I spent months trying to get things to work, my stbxw fell into a deeper and deeper depression, and I'm certain blamed me for all of those feelings (she did say I didn't deserve it because I did try so hard... not that it really mattered in the end). The other party HAS to be willing to accept those gestures of kindness/love as sincere, if not... it would just seem desperate, ridiculous and kind of sad, right?

 

Looking back, I never got any true appreciation for my gestures, and I'm sure it's because it made me come off as clingy and desperate, at least from her standpoint... If you need space, ask for it, he needs to respect that, but don't wander off and look for those "butterflies", infatuation, w/e somewhere else until it's all over, otherwise you are sabotaging any attempt to truly reconcile with your spouse... IMHO, your best shot at making this work is to take your husbands actions as sincere acts of love and kindness for you and to let that slowly ease you out of whatever resentment you may feel towards him... Like I said though, you are already checked out, if you want to truly work everything out, you need to put "skin in the game" and be open with him and let him know you are willing to make things work. Either ways, good luck, I wish you and your family all the best.

[BruisedBNBroken]

Thank you to everyone that responded to my original post. I'm in individual counseling and currently and trying to figure out a variety of things. We are supposed to start MC in a few weeks.

 

To address some questions:

Yes I know the affair was wrong, yes it's over and has been, yes I know that was a stupid decision and a fantasy world of distraction. No, I not telling my H, yes I realize this secret may stand in the way of true reconciliation.

 

As to why his touch makes me cringe, I have absolutely no idea. He is fit, attractive, dresses well, takes care of himself. There are no physical attributes I would change about it.

 

I am not looking for a fairy tale love story. I don't believe one exists, I never did. But I don't wants kids to grow up seeing a dysfunctional relationship as a model. My youngest son asked me over the weekend why mommy and daddy never kiss hello or goodbye like so and so on some TV show.

 

I am definitely checked out. I see it, I feel it, I know it. I just don't know how to check back in. Maybe space is what we need.

[Charlie Harper]

I am definitely checked out. I see it, I feel it, I know it. I just don't know how to check back in. Maybe space is what we need.

 

There is no formula for going back after checking out, but first and foremost, you need to heal yourself, its imposible to let go angry feelings and contempt if you dont work on that yourself and see its your side of the field. HE may need to do stuff too and maybe what he is doing its not what you want-need MC will work only if both put their feelings on the table.

 

My advice dont tell him about your A, that is a surefire way to sink the ship, maybe later some years from now, but now is going to make him check out....

 

My 2 cents.

 

(good Luck)

[Oberfeldwebel]

BnB, separation may well help your situation as it may help you gain perspective. However, I recommend it be planned with goals to fix the marriage in mind. It would look something like this.

 

1. 0-30 days no contact except as necessary for child care and finances. Individual counseling to address personal issues.

 

2. 30-60 days add family days with children and light fun dates. Intimacy is ok, but no sex, continue individual counseling.

 

3. 60-90 days continue family days, dates, increased intimacy and conjugal visits. Couples counseling and create a plan for cohabitation. This separation can be extended if necessary or may lead you to a point of separation, depending on how it goes.

 

There are no magical secrets, it takes hard work and dedication. I still would encourage you to tell your husband. I don't take that lightly and know that it will be difficult for you. I also know that you don't want to hurt him, but for me the lying was worse on me than the infidelity itself. In my experience, love between a married couple rarely disappears. Instead, that loving feeling is just hiding - hiding behind feelings of anger, resentment, abandonment, loneliness, and neglect. Counseling will hopefully help you address these underlying issues and allow for a renewed and fulfilling marriage. I wish you and your family the best as you attempt to repair this relationship.

Edited September 18, 2013 by Oberfeldwebel

[hayewils]

IMO,

If a husband starts feeling things arent right, that something could be wrong. He will resort to doing the kinds of things he believes his wife will appreciate. Its not his fault he is doing things to make you cringe..

I know i started into overkill mode when i felt something wasnt right with my wife. Looking back, things probably wouldve been fine, maybe, if she wouldve just sat down and opened up to me.

Sounds like the regular lack of communication to me.

Were all at fault for that for being worried about upsetting the one we married.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am definitely checked out. I see it, I feel it, I know it. I just don't know how to check back in. Maybe space is what we need.

While his desire to fix you marriage is obvious, what would be you be trying to accomplish during a separation? Would you see others?

 

Mr. Lucky

[2.50 a gallon]

M-g

 

As my marriage began to deteriorate, I did the same as you, and it got me no where, in fact only made matters worse.

 

On the day I caught her kissing the OM, I threw her and the marriage under the bus. It was about a month later she did an instantaneous 180 when she realized that I had not slept alone the previous night. It seemed like the more I detached and moved on in life the more desperate she became for us to reconcile.

 

And I think that might be the key for some to reconcile, for the BS to grow a pair, do a 180, and begin moving on in life.

 

I changed jobs, moved, with no forwarding address, and yet somehow she found me.

 

My moving on, included me learning how to cook some gourmet meals, and later on I began a tradition of inviting a lady over to my place for an evening of baking and decorating holiday cookies.

 

How the Ex found out about this I do not know, but she did try several times to get me to invite her over to sample my cooking skills.

[vla1120]

Thank you to everyone that responded to my original post. I'm in individual counseling and currently and trying to figure out a variety of things. We are supposed to start MC in a few weeks.

 

To address some questions:

Yes I know the affair was wrong, yes it's over and has been, yes I know that was a stupid decision and a fantasy world of distraction. No, I not telling my H, yes I realize this secret may stand in the way of true reconciliation.

 

As to why his touch makes me cringe, I have absolutely no idea. He is fit, attractive, dresses well, takes care of himself. There are no physical attributes I would change about it.

 

I am not looking for a fairy tale love story. I don't believe one exists, I never did. But I don't wants kids to grow up seeing a dysfunctional relationship as a model. My youngest son asked me over the weekend why mommy and daddy never kiss hello or goodbye like so and so on some TV show.

 

I am definitely checked out. I see it, I feel it, I know it. I just don't know how to check back in. Maybe space is what we need.

 

I just want to apologize to you personally if I was harsh or offended you. I am going through some stuff right now with my STBXH and I am slightly bitter (okay, very bitter). Some have advised you not to tell him about the affair, some advised you to tell him. My husband never told me about any of his escapades. I found out by other means and he denied, denied, denied, until I provided undeniable proof in every case. I can tell you that the lies and denial, for me, were much worse than the affair. Do what's best for you. I just don't see how the marriage has a chance if you don't put all your cards on the table, but then, I'm jaded.

[keepontruckin]

OP, there is really no "good" way to justify what you are doing to yourself, or to your husband.

 

You have checked out, and let's be honest, you aren't willing to check back in no matter what he does.

 

You are banging some other dude, and your husband makes you "cringe"...

 

End the farce, be straight up with him, and file for divorce. Set him free now, as opposed to later on down the road.

 

And as such, you may likely find someone better than him, and he may likely find someone better than you.