Can The Feelings Come Back?

[Standard-Fare]

I'm not married and honestly can't even fathom the emotional complexity of it, but a friend once told me something that seems helpful here -- marriage is a long-running process of falling in and out of love with your spouse. (She added that fortunately both partners are usually in different phases of that themselves, because a situation where BOTH are fully out of love with each other is harder to pull out of.)

 

OP, right now you've fallen out of love. Your husband seems to be waking up from the same phase and putting some effort back in.

 

I think there's definitely a chance your feelings could turn around at some point, and I think it's worth working on given your circumstances.

 

But I don't know if it's possible to just "jumpstart" these kinds of emotions. Maybe you should be honest with your husband (through the counseling sessions if need be) that you're simply just not feeling the sex/affection right now and can't force it... but emphasize that it doesn't have to do with his own quality as a spouse or attractiveness, and that it doesn't meant that you're bailing on him.

[Copelandsanity]

There's some good advice in this thread. In the end, you're going to have to confess about the affair. He deserves to know the truth and you deserve not to live your life as a lie. It's your best hope at reconciliation, although you may also have to accept that your marriage is over.

[LilGirlandOW]

My story:

Married 12 years to a wonderful man. Great father, hard working, kind heart, not a negative word to say about him as a person. But the last 2 and a half years have been loveless, sexless, and emotionally void. Complete roommate/coparent situation. Both our faults for letting it get that far but it is what it is. We have 2 young boys - 6 and 10 years old. Started what I guess from reading alot here was an exit affair in June. Lasted a few months, only saw each other a handful of times. It's over now but it woke up my physical and emotional sides that have been dead for so long and the marriage that was "tolerable" for so long has suddenly become miserable to me. Finally had a conversation with him last week (did not confess affair.). He agreed we have really messed up the last few years but really wants to fix it; counseling, retreats, whatever. Since last week, he has been writing me love letters and wanting to talk every night. The problem is, I feel nothing. I almost cringe when he tries to touch me, I have no interest in having these deep talks with him, and his efforts are annoying me. Horrible I know. I will go to marriage counceling because I owe it to the kids to try to keep the family together. But my question to everyone, once the feelings are gone, can they come back? Can the attraction and the romantic feelings come back when they've been gone so long and there is nothing there? I don't want to give anyone false hope but I also am scared to give up.

 

Thank you for reading,

 

You are like me, but I left my H during EA knowing I didnt love him the way I wanted to love somebody.

 

It's your life. I totally get the trying to re-spark the fire, I tried that with my xH for forever. Everything even the small things annoyed the heck out of me and made me more disgusted by him. At the end, the only thing I enjoyed doing was holding his hand walking, but that could have been so we didnt seperate, kept pace.... nothing romantic about it.

 

The flip side, my parents fell out of love(no affair or anything), but at the same time were never very affectionate, divorced when I was early teens, both remarried within a handful of years from each other and currently both are married to my now step-parents for 15-20yrs, both couple seem very in-tune with eachother very affectionate and like love-birds. Now both couples are best friends. It's a very real example of how following your heart isnt always the worst thing

[waterwoman]

Hi bruised, yes you can. I have been where you are, even to the extent of an EA many many years ago. I didn't confess but ended it when OM wanted to take it further. Since then we have had our ups and downs, had 3 kids and all the issues that can cause, money problems, work problems, we've moved house, lost a close family member, dealt with his grief and my long-term depression. It's not been a bed of roses for either of us. And neither of us were perfect. Last year he had an EA. Wow! What a kick in the teeth and what a wake-up call. We were drifting dangerously close to divorce with eyes firmly closed.

 

Things are better. We were forced to try much much harder. I have seen the things about him that I loved and admired. I have got myself in hand - starting building a life apart from work and kids so that I am happier in myself and more interesting to be with. He has started to take some of the household burden from my shoulders (not a great deal but a start!) and has stopped spending all his free time out of the house. We talk a lot more. Is it perfect? Nope. Is it loves young dream? Nope but we've been together for 30 plus years so it's not going to be. But I smile when I see him, I am pleased to be in his company again, we are each other's focus again.

 

Can I give you two pieces of advice:

 

1. You have small kids. They take it out of you. When I had a 6 year old things were at their worst. My depression started after my 2nd child was born, as PND, and I have suffered on and off since then. Is it possible you are depressed? You may deny it but happiness shouldn't come exclusively from your partner and your marriage and if you struggling to find it in yourself and relying on your marriage to find it for you there many an issue with depression. Perhaps see your doctor or even seek IC.

 

2. This will be harder. Tell your H about the affair. Honestly if you are even considering staying married, tell him. He may run so fast his arse won't hit the door but then, nothing lost as you aren't happy anyway. But if not, it might give you the chance to really look at things. He can't rebuild a mariiage when he doesn't know what his marriage really is like.