I'm afraid my ex thinks I'm a stalker

[JoelBarish]

So yeah my ex ended things suddenly about 8 days ago. She did it with a phone call.

 

I was upset so I took her stuff to her THAT night while she was at work and put it in her car.

 

I texted her 3 or 4 times that night telling her I was upset and I didn't know what to do. She didn't respond

 

Then Monday afternoon I texted her to ask her if we broken up for sure, she answered yes. I texted her asking if she was paying me back (the money she owes me) or if she cared that I was going to the dr. She answered back that she did. I sent 2 more texts that were drawn out "good bye texts" that she didn't answer. I texted her back once more after I went to the dr telling her I was treated for depression and she didn't answer.

 

I tried to go NC on her all last week but last Thursday night I texted her asking her if she was pregnant (long story - there is little chance she was pregnant - her tubes are tied I just worry too much). I was upset and I didn't wait for an answer. I figured she would just tell me off and that upset me so I changed my phone number that night. I also figured that would force me to go NC or else she would get my new number. She probably didn't even answer the text anyway.

 

I thought a lot all week about some of the reasons she had given for breaking up on the phone Saturday night and I thought maybe she had been right on a few things (I wanted to say I was sorry and get closure) so Friday (2 days ago) I broke NC and called her and she didn't answer (new number so maybe she didn't pick it up because she didn't recognize). I texted her letting her know it was me and I wanted to talk and apologize. No answer from her. I texted back that I did nothing to deserve being treated so coldly. No answer. I called her and left her a voice mail so I could give my apology and maybe get closure. I texted one final time telling her that I left her a voice mail and wasn't going to contact her again.

 

Basically I texted her about 5 or 6 times since she last answered me on Monday and called her twice. Does that make me a stalker? I feel like one. I haven't gone to where she works or driven by any place I know she goes to. I haven't looked her up online. Yet I worry that all these texts and 2 phone calls makes her feel like I am a stalker. I am angry for that. We were together a year and a half and just because I try to talk to her or save the relationship and she shut down on me and was cold, I am left feeling bad about myself. I wrote a much bigger post before but it was way too much info

Edited September 16, 2013 by JoelBarish
too big

[todreaminblue]

look if i text twice without a reply on the first i feel like a stalker and creepy.......

 

 

 

but when someone doesn't answer you, you want them too so you send another message.......

 

 

and i dont consider stalking to be anything other than a person who has malicious intent to harass and if you head over ten messages withotu reply you are harassing...

 

 

asking for a reply a couple of times is not stalking(lol except when i text i guess...then i am the stalker...smilin...double standard for myself typical....)....

 

 

sitting on her roof welll......that would be different i would consider that straight jacket time........

 

 

dont text her any more though, she has enough to know you would really like to talk to her....

 

if she has compassion in her heart she will contact you and let you know where you stand so you can have closure.....i wish you well....deb

Edited September 16, 2013 by todreaminblue

[JoelBarish]

Stop texting her. If you're getting silence, she doesn't want to talk. Respect that.

 

I agree that I was out of control. I just wondered if she thought I was a "monster" or whatever. But it turns out, she didn't. She made contact today. I will update in a second.

[JoelBarish]

look if i text twice without a reply on the first i feel like a stalker and creepy.......

 

 

but when someone doesn't answer you, you want them too so you send another message.......

 

 

and i dont consider stalking to be anything other than a person who has malicious intent to harass and if you head over ten messages withotu reply you are harassing...

 

 

asking for a reply a couple of times is not stalking(lol except when i text i guess...then i am the stalker...smilin...double standard for myself typical....)....

 

 

sitting on her roof welll......that would be different i would consider that straight jacket time........

 

 

dont text her any more though, she has enough to know you would really like to talk to her....

 

if she has compassion in her heart she will contact you and let you know where you stand so you can have closure.....i wish you well....deb

 

 

It turns out I was beating myself up too much about it. I do that. I'm always way too harsh on myself. She doesn't think I am a stalker. You were right, she did have compassion in her heart and contacted me.

 

After Friday night when I texted her 3 times and called her twice and no answer, I was mad and determined not to make contact. So I switched my phone off and put it in the closet. That way I wouldn't be tempted to check it every 5 minutes just to see if she responded.

 

I admit, I did turn my phone back on Saturday night to see if she had texted but no texts came so I switched it off and put it back in the closet. I also called my voice mail from a land line to see if she had left any voice mails and no, no voice mails.

 

Well this morning I woke up feeling rotten. You two had responded to my post and made me feel like yes, I was being a borderline stalker. But I was determined to continue NC and continue getting on with my life. However, just before noon there was a knock on my door. Honestly I couldn't figure out who would be here. To my surprise, it was her. She said she had been trying to call me all weekend since I had said Friday night that I wanted to talk. Apparently she left no voice mails. Anyway, I talked to her and told her some of the stuff I was sorry for in the relationship and she was pretty teary eyed and said she missed me and that she was sorry how it turned out. I didn't mention getting back together and neither did she. She said something about "maybe someone day if we both get our **** together we might get back together". I just smiled at her and said "that never happens". (I've heard that before in past relationships).

 

So we talked and shed a few tears and hugged and she left. Maybe she will try to contact me again, maybe not. I haven't turned my phone back on yet. Regardless of what happens this whole experience is a good reality check and an indication that I need to look at myself and my life and how I handle relationships. But here is the most important thing, I feel better. She doesn't see me as a stalker. All that worry and anxiety was in my head. I'm too hard on myself. But the good news is I have anxiety/depression meds now so maybe that will help me stop worrying so much.

 

Yes we are still broken up so I will continue to be here at loveshack and continue the grieving process and hopefully I can lend support to others as well. Thanks to those who read my post and responded to me.

Edited September 16, 2013 by JoelBarish

[JoelBarish]

lol I wish I hadn't went with the stalker title of my thread. But that was what I was feeling at the time.

 

So here it is the next day after she came over. I know I feel a lot better about things since she visited yesterday. It doesn't seem so cold on her part and I know she has mixed emotions on the whole thing.

 

Truth be told she probably doesn't have mixed emotions. There were tears in her eyes but she was probably just feeling bad that she had caused me pain and not necessarily crying because she wants me back.

 

I sent her a text yesterday a few hours after her visit telling her thanks for the talk and that I feel somewhat better about the whole thing. I also said I hoped she was ok. She texted back "I am ok". That's it. Same old same old. Me hurting, her being closed off.

 

I hoped all night and today that she would text that she missed me or something but of course no text came. That was the one bad thing about her visit that it renewed my hope about things but I have to remember that it's over even if she and I are on more civil terms now. I just keep wondering if she met someone....maybe if I found that out it would kill off my hope (in a good way) but there is no way I am asking, I don't want to deal with even more pain right now.

 

So the healing/grieving process continues....but at least I know now that she doesn't think horribly of me. NC day 1

[NoLeafClover]

to me it feels like you haven't gone NC not even a full day. I dk why you claiming NC but perhaps it's just the way I read your story.

 

I read through it and it seems like every time you say the next day "you end up writing about how you sent her a text the day/night before or tried to contact her in some way"

 

You clearly realize that her tears were probably because she was feeling bad for hurting you...out of guilt. That is not where you want your ex to be.

The way she responded to your text when you thanked her for talking to you, was kind of cold and selfish.

 

That is how you need to be as well.

 

She did not come to see you because she wanted to be back with you. She wanted to see you to double check her situation and her feelings. She probably missed the idea of you being there which pushed her into knocking on your door.

Notice how cold she got when you were trying to contact her and would not contact you back. But then when you stopped contacting her, she knocked on your door.

This are typical relationship/breakup push & pull games.

 

If you keep doing this to yourself and bouncing back to contacting her after a day or two, no depression meds are going to help you in the healing process.

 

I am having a hard time seeing you keeping NC when you hit week 3, 1 months to 3 months NC margin. This roller-coaster ride will have so many speed bumps ahead, you can't let yourself slip or you'll go back to day one.

 

My advise to you is to face things head on and do not have any expectations from your ex. Even if she texts you later to say HI...you're moto should be > Ignore Ignore Ignore

[JoelBarish]

No, no, sorry for the confusion. There have been periods of NC.

 

Monday through Thursday of last week (until Thursday night). Then Sat and Sunday this weekend with her coming over Monday (yesterday).

 

I know I haven't been good at NC. But really I would have kept it up this last time if she hadn't come over. I don't feel any temptation to reach out to her. If she texts me that's another story...but I don't see that happening.

[JoelBarish]

You clearly realize that her tears were probably because she was feeling bad for hurting you...out of guilt. That is not where you want your ex to be.

The way she responded to your text when you thanked her for talking to you, was kind of cold and selfish.

That is how you need to be as well.

 

She did not come to see you because she wanted to be back with you. She wanted to see you to double check her situation and her feelings. She probably missed the idea of you being there which pushed her into knocking on your door.

Notice how cold she got when you were trying to contact her and would not contact you back. But then when you stopped contacting her, she knocked on your door.

 

Absolutely. She has been pretty cold at times despite the visit. All I can do is stop my reaching out to her. If she reaches out to me then I will have to deal with it....on the other hand she does owe me money and yesterday she brought it up on her own that she was going to pay me back...so I can't ignore her too much until that situation is resolved.

[JoelBarish]

So the ex came over on Monday. Here it is Wednesday. I didn't make contact with her since then however, today she contacted me.

 

I was gone somewhere and left my phone home. When I got home I had a text. I was so damn excited to hear from her. You all know how it is....you wait day after day for a text or phone call to come....and when they do contact you it's not for the reason you want it to be. No, she didn't text because she missed me or wanted to get back together....she texted because she thought it was my birthday..

 

She said

 

"I know you don't want to hear from me but I wanted to tell you happy birthday and have a good day" (today isn't my birthday, it's on the 28th. she has a terrible memory)

 

So I texted back

 

"thanks but it's not my birthday yet. And you were the one who pushed me away"

 

She texted

 

"I know" (seems rather cold to me)

 

I pushed things and texted

 

"I miss you"

 

her (no response)

 

ugh. Well I ended up texting her some more stuff and she answered most of the time. Just to see her reaction I texted her

 

"if I started seeing someone should I not tell you?"

 

and she texted back

 

"yeah I would be ok. you can tell me anything. I'm still your friend"

 

So I texted back

 

"because you're seeing someone"

 

she texted back

 

"no"

 

ugh

 

Then I ended up venting some stuff about how just two weeks ago she had told me things like "forever" and "I can't live without you" and the fact that I believed her when she said those things. She said it was ok when I told her I was just venting.

 

So yeah, I don't know what happened. Despite all the reasons she had originally given for breaking up....she seems to have lost all feelings for me. But apparently she is open to talking to me but anytime I bring up the relationship she gets cold.

 

It's time I take NoLeafClover's advice and just turn as cold as she is. I will go NC on my part. Whenever she does reach out to me I will just be polite and indifferent. I don't want to tell her to leave me alone directly until she gives me the money she owes me. I also don't want her to think that she's damaged me so much that I need time to heal and can't handle talking to her. After all, she is fine and dandy talking to me. I will just heal keeping her at a cold distance with No Contact Ever initiated by me.

 

And next time she does reach out to me, I will know better than to have any type of hope about anything. I just want her to pay me what she owes me. So that's all that I will be interested in from now on if she contacts me.

Edited September 18, 2013 by JoelBarish