LDR Breakup

[lauri]

I know this is long but please take a quick glance over it to see if I made the right call for this situation. My ex gf waited until I was home to end it with me after 1 year of us doing LDR and me coming home for her.

 

My ex girlfriend (25) and I (26) were dating long distance for an entire year, not seeing each other once in person. We have known each other for 3 years, were always interested in each other but finally hit it off shortly (4 months) before I left for 1 year contract abroad (which was a 20 flight away). I know it may seem foolish, but this girls morals and values SEEMED to match with mine perfectly, she told me she would wait an entire year for me, her family loved me and my family loved her. I felt she was worth the risk and investment. She was CRAZY about me, loyal, honest and caring.

 

So I go abroad, and she does everything to keep my interest levels up. She would send me photos, talk with me all the time, encourage me how we are meant to be etc. Her father lived in the middle east to work while her mother, sister and brother all lived in the same place near my home. Her mom would talk with me all the time and seemed to almost love me more than she loved her daughter (not literally). She comes from a conservative family (she's Arabic) and didn't go out that much, would with her friends late but would never do anything to disrespect me or make me feel uncomfortable.

 

After about 9 months, her sister and mom moved back to the middle east to be closer to their father which left her alone in her apartment. This was a hard thing for her to adjust to and she was starting to feel extremely lonely, sad about our situation with me being abroad and having a lot of free time. She starts to hang out with some Arabic girls she knows (who were all single, partying), starts drinking with them and going out all the time. She would beg me to come home earlier, end my contact earlier and be with her asap. I believe this is when the "grass is greener" on the other side syndrome happened.

 

Her parents were pressuring her to get married to me ASAP or they would take her back to the middle east due to her being on her own. I felt I had to do everything in my power to make her parents know I'm serious and don't want her to be taken away from me. Her parents invited me on my way home to stop by the Middle East. When I spoke with my ex about this, she told me "don't go because I want you to come home to me first”. I didn't take it as a sign of being uninterested as everything seemed fine. So I booked my flights with a stopover to see her parents and beg them to give me time to work things out and see if we are meant to be.

 

Shortly after this, she starts to go out a lot more, starts to become colder towards me and more distant. As I confronted her about this, she began to turn it around on me and make it seem like I'm crazy. She was very open with me before, told me everything that went on in her life. Normally, I'd back off myself but I was extremely confused on what to do. I was backed in a corner.

She started to skype me less, message me less and sometimes ignore my messages. This happened as I was coming closer to being home. I continued to message her like I normally would. Now that she has more freedom, she was out all the time now and when she was with her friends she wouldn't message me because she was busy.

 

The tipping point for me was on her birthday. She didn't respond to my texts except for saying "thanks baby" for me saying happy birthday to her. I tried calling her, she didn't pick up. Fine, I can live with that. The next day her phone was off the entire day and then I was fuming. I finally called her and told her "What is going on? If you care about me wouldn't you want to talk to me on your birthday?" She said I'm over reacting and she was too drunk to respond because her friends took her phone away and the next day she slept over at her friends house and went hiking with them. I was starting to get fed up, but once again, I wanted to make this work because I invested so much time and effort into this.

 

The closer I got to coming home, the more distant she was. I had an opportunity to extend my contact, but I decided it wouldn't be fair to her and told her this. She was happy I was coming home, but shortly after I did this she started telling me she wasn't in love with me anymore because I was gone for so long. She said that I made her madly in love with me once, I can do it again, BUT she needs to see me to know for sure. I was now at this point screwed, and I didn't know what to do about my visit to the Middle East. I got fed up, told her mom what has been happening because I didn't want any false expectations upon my arrival. This caused her parents to freak out at her and to pile on the pressure for her to stay with me even more and marry me (which wasn't my intention, I wasn't sure what to do).

 

She started to fight with her parents regarding all the pressure they were putting on her regarding me over the last 2 months. I felt like she wasn't even excited for me to come home, although she was saying she was and kept saying "I can't believe you are finally coming back!!!". We would still talk everyday, but I could sense it wasn't the same. When I finally finished my contract and went to the Middle East, her family and I had a great time. They told her they really love me and she should be serious with me and spend as much time with me as soon as I'm back.

 

I still had this hope that I'll get back and she'll give me a shot to at least try things out, I mean, we did wait a full year for each other. But I knew it was over. She kept telling her parents she needed to spend more time with me and get to know me better, and needed to see me in person to make a decision about us.

 

When I get home, I get a message from her stating that she won't be coming to my welcome home dinner and told my mom she can't make it. I called her as soon as I got home and she told me she wants to see me one on one and not come over. She tells me shes too tired and goes to sleep. She didn't even see me on my first night home.

 

The next night, she comes and sees me after she is done work. Tells me to dress up nice, look good bc she hasn't seen me in a year. So I see her, shes acting like shes into me and telling me I lost weight, I look good, I smell nice. I'm confused, is she into me again? She hugs me, tells me I'm making her blush, acting like shes into me and likes me, keeps kissing my cheek, holding my hand. When I went to kiss her on the lips, she pulled away and said I'm making her blush.

 

We sit down on a park bench and start to talk. She starts talking to me and tells me shes nervous, and that has to tell me something. She said she's always been loyal to me BUT, she wants to be single and feels like she doesn't know what she wants. She wanted to tell me this 2 months ago but didn't know how to tell me and that she loves me/cares about me and maybe we'll get back together but she just wants to be friends for now. She loves the freedom she has now and she doesn't want to give up going out, that she needed to see me to make a decision on us etc. I sit there, nodding my head, shes like don't just nod your head say something.

 

So I responded, well you don't have to give up anything if you're with me. I came back for you and you didn't even give me a chance to be with you. I don't expect you to be inlove with me because I've been gone, there is probably a guy but if its over its over, nothing more to say. Is that all you have to say? Shes like Yes, so I stood up, and started to walk away, she pulled me back down and said NO IM NOT DONE. She continues to repeat the same things, how we might end up back together. Now I'm ignoring her and just want to leave. So I stand up again and walk, she chases after me starts kissing my back saying don't go, look at me , and is hugging me tightly. I said I don't want to look at you and I walked away. Shortly after, I see her drive past me and go home.

 

The next day I'm feeling horrible, I feel like I want to make things work with her so badly because I came home for this girl, went to the Middle East and waited a year. I did love her and clearly was willing to do anything to make it work…I was going to go into NC but I realized that I should be a man and just tell her on the phone that I accept the breakup and that its for the best. I went on to tell her I left because I'm hurt about what she did and that now I think about it the break up was good for us to eliminate the pressures of marriage and us having to be together. She immediately said to me, "I got sexually harassed after you left me in the park". My tone changes, what?!?!? She said yeah some guy grabbed my breast and my phone got messed up. She said she didn't call me because "I wouldn't have done anything" and that she didn't call the police because she didn't want her mom to find out and her to freak out. and ship her back to the Middle East. I left her in a very safe area, and she was about a 1 minute walk away from her car. I said to her "I'm sorry that happened, you should have got me I would never leave you alone in a situation like that on purpose." I didn't know what to believe.

 

She starts to tell me "I miss your voice", "Come see me for lunch", "call me" “I still like you” and I kept blowing her off saying I'm busy and I can’t. So finally, I call her and shes like "Why are you being so lame? Call me when I ask you aren't busy". And she would say things like "when are you going to invite me over for dinner with your parents?" and "We don't know if we won't work out" I would be like ???? Are you serious?

 

So eventually, I made plans with her on Saturday to meet her in the afternoon for lunch to discuss things and for her to give me a gift she bought me while I was abroad. At 3 am, I got a message from her mother saying "We don't want you to ever talk to her again and leave her alone. We don't want you to have anything to do with her due to what happened after I left in the park” So now my ex has turned her parents against me, making them feel sorry for her and hate me. This was done because they were furious with her for ending it with me immediately after I got home.

 

I couldn't sleep after that message and called her early in the morning. Shes like "Oh she's over reacting, don't worry I'll talk to her and deal with it and let me sleep and we'll talk more at lunch. I sat around, thought about everything. I realized I should NOT go to meet her and this isn't worth my time anymore, especially because of this whole sexual harassment thing. So she messages me when she'll be there, and I flat out cancel on her.

 

I get a new phone number and phone, and I didn't give it to her. I kept my old whatsapp open hoping she would message me and say she messed up and somehow find a way to fix this whole mess, but I knew that was not going to happen. She would message me saying "Why are you ignoring? lol If you want to be immature and not respond that is your choice".

 

Finally, after a few days she messages me again. I figured she needs to know what she really did wrong here and I tried to be as mature as possible when talking to her. I told her "That you knows what I did to try to make it work by sacrificing a lot and I took a lot of steps to have a mature relationship with her, but she decided before I came home you don't want the pressure and go tell your parents some story to make them hate me and feel sorry for you. You need to work on developing yourself as a person and figure out what you want before you drag someone along for a useless ride. You have the audacity to call me immature but I don't have time for your childish games. You were feeling this way 2-3 months ago, you should have just approached me like an adult about it. If you don't see all the sacrifices and things I've done, then it is better it has handed. It is for the best, the pressure was too much and it ruined us. "

 

She responded saying we both sacrificed a lot for each other, I wasn't sure about how I felt I wanted to see you in person to know (which is BS), what happened with us is normal people breakup, that doesn't mean we should stop talking you mean a lot to me I just want you as a friend. I responded "I'm completely okay with us breaking up, but when its done its done. I had a bit of respected and understood the distance and pressure made this hard. I was willing to walk away and be okay with everything, I'm not mad I'm disappointed that you can turn around and play games with me and turn your parents against me. You showed me how selfish and childish you deal with situations by bringing your parents into this and skewing their image of me, when in Reality I was nothing but good to you." After a few more exchanges she said I am misunderstanding and that I'm rude because I told her she is the one who is confused and its fine bc it is not my problem anymore, and she wanted me to respond but she can't handle me calling her out. She went on to message me numerous times saying I want an answer if you want to be my friend and I just flat out ignored and closed my old whatsapp.

 

She then began to message me on fb over numerous dates saying if I will ever talk to her, how long will I ignore her for, why can’t I be an adult and talk to her, to not let other people brainwash my because she is not a bad person and I know that better than anyone else. Then she went on to say, if you don’t want to talk to me why do you have me on facebook? I just flat out deleted her from fb and have been trying to move on since. She clearly isn’t ready for a serious relationship and is being way too immature.

 

After I deleted her she sent me this message saying “You throw away 3 years of friendship just because things between us didn't work out as a couple.. you never gave me a chance to explain myself. Instead you chose to delete me. I just wanted you to know that I didn't end it for no reason. I thought it would be better to tell you in person but u didn't give me a chance to tell you. But anyways just know that I've always been loyal to u and I only did this because It was for the best .. goodbye..everyone brainwashed you to cut me off, I’m not a bad person”

 

I have not messaged her in 2 weeks or heard from her in over 1 week.

 

It hurts that she didn’t want to be with me or even try, but do you think I made the right choices here? Do you think she’s so far uninterested and there was nothing I could have done to save it? Why do you think she has been trying so hard to keep me as a friend?

 

Also, what is your impressions on my ex girlfriend and what happened?

 

Thanks for your feedback.

Edited September 16, 2013 by lauri

[melell]

I think you have done the right thing here. I would say she wants to be friends because it is hard to let go for both people most of the time.

 

Involving friends and family is often used to make oneself feel better about the situation, people lie all the time to make themselves look good. Pretty pathetic really, but you can't blame them, it is a coping mechanism IMO

 

Some people can't comprehend what a 'break up' means. And they see it as the best way to get everything they want.

 

Keep ignoring her, if you two were meant to be friends then you can be in 6 months or a year or whatever, but it shouldn't be now.

 

Just focus on yourself and moving on. As per her character- it is hard to say, but either way it sounds like she is not at a point where she is ready for a serious relationship.

[lauri]

Thanks.

 

I'm getting the impression she wants to be friends because she feels guilty about what she did. She was trying SO hard to be my friend, especially trying to convince me she isn't a bad person. I think she still has some feelings towards me but doesn't want to continue with me - I wonder what else she could have said if I did meet with her but I know it wouldn't have made a difference.

 

What I don't understand is why she would lead me on and keep me around if she didn't want to be with me. I understand it was long distance, but I don't like how the door was closed completely to be together. I never treated her bad and don't feel I deserved this type of treatment.

Edited September 16, 2013 by lauri

[melell]

She was convinced at one point she wanted to be with me long term and really enjoyed being around me. I understand it was long distance, but I don't like how the door was closed completely to be together. I never treated her bad and don't feel I deserved this type of treatment.

 

I don't think she knows what she wants, unfortunately when you get involved with people like this emotional murder happens. It isn't intentional though. She just doesn't know, either she isn't ready or doesn't feel like you are the one.

 

Either way, you are better off walking away.

[lauri]

Thanks - it makes a lot of sense and I am trying to be sensible about it. I just don't see the logic of waiting 1 full year and letting it get to the point where I go visit her parents and asking me to come home for her if she had no intention of being with me.

 

She is at that stage now which most girls go through when they are much younger, because she is on her own for the first time now. I just don't like knowing something is over forever when I spent 1 year abroad making it work as best as I could.

[melell]

Thanks - it makes a lot of sense and I am trying to be sensible about it. I just don't see the logic of waiting 1 full year and letting it get to the point where I go visit her parents and asking me to come home for her if she had no intention of being with me.

 

She is at that stage now which most girls go through when they are much younger, because she is on her own for the first time now. I just don't like knowing something is over forever when I spent 1 year abroad making it work as best as I could.

 

It is incredibly frustrating and disheartening I know.. trust me, I can't believe I spent 8 years trying my best and now it is over, knowing all that time was spent and now it is nothing hurts a lot.

People are very fickle. Wait for someone who wants you

[lauri]

Is it wrong that I feel like I should meet with her to get the closure to know that she will never want to be with me? Unfortunately, I feel like if I was to meet her she would tell me she doesn't know if we could ever get back together or if I'm the one for her.

 

I think her confusion is showing me how low her interest levels are in me..but the thing I keep playing in my head is I was gone for an entire year if I was to spend more time with her these feelings would change. But I don't think they will, considering she made up her mind 2 months ago - I still wish we could somehow have a potential future together dating, because I know once she matures things would be great together. Not saying I would wait but just to have the option.. I'm not sure where to go with this considering the uniqueness of the situation..

Edited September 16, 2013 by lauri

[lauri]

Any other feedback regarding my situation? I would appreciate it as it can help me feel a lot better about myself and what I did.

[Nancy87]

We all make mistakes, give her benefit of doubt. don't ignore her so bad...

if she talks to you now, try being friends. will help u both heal.

Dont be so rude!

[Nancy87]

And when we are going through an emotional wreck, we say n do things we never mean.

If u ever loved he, dont leave her so alone. dont close all doors on her..

You are a man, u are strong. God made women weak..

U guys can be friends n if SHE initiates that u guys should be together, u can think abt it. Dont propose first, or u'll have ur self esteem shattered again!

[lauri]

Hi Nancy,

 

I appreciate your feedback on this but I don't know if talking to her at this very moment would make the most sense. She hasn't given me my space and was giving me mixed signals and it felt like she was playing mind games. Its not fair to me to go through that especially when she turned her parents against me and she doesn't know what she wants. I don't believe she is alone because she has found her group of friends who she uses to keep busy / party / be single.

 

I think she just wants to be friends to feel "okay about what she did" because she feels pretty horrible, especially considering she begged me to come home for her and then she ended it immediately after I came back. If she said sorry and actually meant it, maybe I could be on a once and a while hi/bye basis with her. But I don't think I'm willing to be around and deal with her playing with my feelings while she goes out and enjoys life on her own while I'm back without a job and a lot of free time. She had 2-3 months to prepare for this breakup, that means she's already moved on a long time ago. I can only hope she realizes she made a mistake in what she did - not to be back with me but to just realize she played a dangerous game and its NOT okay.

[lauri]

I'm going through a rough spot now. I think I realized now that there is no going back. I don't get how she can go from wanting to marry me to just wanting to be friends...I have to stay strong and stick with my decision to delete her and block her out of my life...

[Nancy87]

What she did was bad...

And you are hurt..

I hope the hurt goes away soon..

[lauri]

Thanks Nancy.

 

Do you guys think I should meet her to talk and have proper closure? I mean that's why she wanted to meet with me, but I kept ignoring and cut her out. I wonder if I made a mistake doing that..

[hurts2death]

no man. no way.

respect your self a bit please

 

run away from her and stay nc

[Nancy87]

Dont meet, u never know what mind game she has coming up next. Have u forgotten the all sexually assaulted story?

Dont meet!

[lauri]

I guess I have been driving myself crazy because she only saw me for 20 minutes after I came back...I feel like I don't know if I got the proper closure regarding this...I mean how could she mislead me to coming back and let me goto the middle east if she didn't want to be with me?

 

I think that its hard to accept bc I haven't seen her since and I feel like she doesn't care. Especially since her last message, I find it hard knowing / feeling she has moved on...her messages to me seem like she just cares about her feelings and doesn't care about me. Am I looking at this correctly?

Edited September 17, 2013 by lauri

[movingonnow1]

I guess I have been driving myself crazy because she only saw me for 20 minutes after I came back...I feel like I don't know if I got the proper closure regarding this...I mean how could she mislead me to coming back and let me goto the middle east if she didn't want to be with me?

 

I think that its hard to accept bc I haven't seen her since and I feel like she doesn't care. Especially since her last message, I find it hard knowing / feeling she has moved on...her messages to me seem like she just cares about her feelings and doesn't care about me. Am I looking at this correctly?

 

I feel your pain. I mean..seriously what she did to you was not cool and was defiantly not called for. You deserved better considering what you did for her, especially moving BACK for her. She only wants to keep you around to mask her guilt and not feel like a BAD person. Not saying she is, but what she did was pretty horrible.

 

I'm going through something similar - I did what you did. I just cut her off completely..I need reassurance sometimes to know that I made the right choice. Reading what you did and what you are going through makes me realize and have faith in what I did.

 

IF she cared, she would be trying harder writing you a letter to say what she did and why she did it - not leading you on with vague explanations. Its probably bothering her MORE that you walked away without giving her closure and showing her you are strong. She will regret this because good guys are hard to come by and you sound like one. Keep on going brother.

[lauri]

I feel your pain. I mean..seriously what she did to you was not cool and was defiantly not called for. You deserved better considering what you did for her, especially moving BACK for her. She only wants to keep you around to mask her guilt and not feel like a BAD person. Not saying she is, but what she did was pretty horrible.

 

I'm going through something similar - I did what you did. I just cut her off completely..I need reassurance sometimes to know that I made the right choice. Reading what you did and what you are going through makes me realize and have faith in what I did.

 

IF she cared, she would be trying harder writing you a letter to say what she did and why she did it - not leading you on with vague explanations. Its probably bothering her MORE that you walked away without giving her closure and showing her you are strong. She will regret this because good guys are hard to come by and you sound like one. Keep on going brother.

 

Hey, thanks so much for the support. I'm sorry that you are going through something similar. It sucks when someone promises something and really is just playing a dangerous game (especially in my case). I know I'm a good guy, from a good family and in the end I'll find someone else more worth my time. Thanks everyone for the help and helping me realize I'm doing the right thing and helping me stay strong - I'll have my days but at least I have you all to help me.

[OnlyHonesty]

In my opinion, I have absolutely no doubt that you are doing the right thing. Often doing the right thing can be much more painful than continuing with something that is wrong. You have given this enough chances, sacrificed enough and if you meet her or try again, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind, not even a slight doubt that you will regret it 100%.

 

There is a sort of pattern that showed itself here and in some ways, you are lucky this happened now rather than later on when you may have made the mistake of marriage or some other type of commitment. There is some kind of emotional problem with her and on some level I believe she is testing to see how much she can get away with although a lot of her behaviour may be subconscious mixed with intent.

 

If I were you, I would never contact her or respond to her again for your own emotional, self esteem and manhood preservation and protection.

[lauri]

Thanks again for the support. I feel a lot of comfort with everyone telling me I did the right thing ...it's helping me move forward and feel better about myself.

 

Honestly going straight NC is hard. My ex would probably play some wicked games with me and she probably doesn't even realize what she has done yet. I know one day she will realize when she matures, loses her no good friends and has difficulty finding a guy like me.

 

Being a nice good guy, I know I will eventually find someone worth my time who will enhance my life and not make it difficult.

[movingonnow1]

Hey Lauri, I'm sure everyone on this board is proud of you and how you have stuck to your guns. Its never easy - chances are she won't message you again, and as much as that hurts it show you how far she was removed from you. Its better you learn these things about her now rather then later.

 

She is just going through that phase in her life - doesn't mean she is a bad person just means she does not know what she wants. I can promise you she will regret this for a long time...I mean if I was a girl I knew a guy waited an entire year for me, went to meet my with parents in another country and then moved home, and would do anything to make it work with me, I would be flattered. If I didn't want him, I would have told him straight up and not let him go through all of this.

 

You did the right thing - one day she will mature but until then you need to find someone who is better worth your time. She was clearly scared of what was happening with you and didn't feel you were the one or was ready to be with you. She may have even met someone else while you were abroad, hence why she kept emphasizing she was loyal and she is not a bad person. She feels guilty, and she should.

[lauri]

Thanks for the support man. I'm glad most people are telling me I did the right thing. Some of my friends were trying to convince me to meet her and talk one last time in person...was really messing with my head and my decision.

[movingonnow1]

Thanks for the support man. I'm glad most people are telling me I did the right thing. Some of my friends were trying to convince me to meet her and talk one last time in person...was really messing with my head and my decision.

 

No offense but your friends are not thinking straight if they are telling you to meet her. If you start to have urges just post on here and I'm sure a lot of us would tell you to keep going strong and sticking with NC. She played too many games and took it too far with you

[lindsay1990]

You shouldn't meet her if what you want is closure. Unfortunately, my experience is that unless you are the dumper and the break up happens on your terms, you will never have closure.

 

Closure comes after a while, from yourself only. She is very ambiguous about her reasons for the break up but at the same time isn't: "enjoying the freedom" "isn't sure..."

 

This girl is sure she isn't feeling you anymore, man. I'm sorry. Or even if she is, she isn't feeling you enough and you should leave it at that - any talk you may have further will only cause you more rejection.