lindsay1990 Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 Also, this was a very mature post, I don't know why but you objectively seems to have your heart and head on straight so don't doubt yourself. You are doing the right thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauri Posted September 18, 2013 Author Share Posted September 18, 2013 You shouldn't meet her if what you want is closure. Unfortunately, my experience is that unless you are the dumper and the break up happens on your terms, you will never have closure. Closure comes after a while, from yourself only. She is very ambiguous about her reasons for the break up but at the same time isn't: "enjoying the freedom" "isn't sure..." This girl is sure she isn't feeling you anymore, man. I'm sorry. Or even if she is, she isn't feeling you enough and you should leave it at that - any talk you may have further will only cause you more rejection. Very valid points. I mean, seriously, if she was feeling me or even felt a bit sorry she would have done everything to get in contact with me and explain herself. She hasn't messaged me since her message explaining "I didn't give her a chance". I guess I just had the expectations after a year that we would at least try because losing feelings with me being abroad would be natural. When I commit to something, I commit and do everything to make it work. I don't believe in playing games or stringing someone along, especially if someone if in a long distance relationship. She just played a dangerous game with me and it got too far. I don't hate her and its not her fault she stopped feeling me - if it happens now it probably would happened even if I stayed and didnt get a job abroad. I hope she is happy in her future and because I loved her so much I know that letting her go and letting her live her life is for the best for both of us. Thanks for the input and helping me along my way. Link to post Share on other sites
lindsay1990 Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 Sorry. I wasn't to try to say for SURE that she doesn't like you, I mean it looks likes she cares about you but isn't too clear on what she wants, not even to herself. But IMHO, the fact that right now she would rather not be with you than be IS clear enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
movingonnow1 Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 Sorry. I wasn't to try to say for SURE that she doesn't like you, I mean it looks likes she cares about you but isn't too clear on what she wants, not even to herself. But IMHO, the fact that right now she would rather not be with you than be IS clear enough. In my opinion, confusion normally means low interest levels. The fact she said lets just be friends means she isn't into him anymore - sorry to say. If she really cared about him she wouldn't turn her parents against him and lead him on for 2 months before he comes home. That is just selfish and immature. Maybe she didn't mean for these things to happen the way they did, but THEY did and that responsibility falls directly on her. She seems scared of all the pressure to be with you and just wanted to escape it - and unfortunately she took it too far because I bet her parents were extremely upset of what she did to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauri Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 In my opinion, confusion normally means low interest levels. The fact she said lets just be friends means she isn't into him anymore - sorry to say. If she really cared about him she wouldn't turn her parents against him and lead him on for 2 months before he comes home. That is just selfish and immature. Maybe she didn't mean for these things to happen the way they did, but THEY did and that responsibility falls directly on her. She seems scared of all the pressure to be with you and just wanted to escape it - and unfortunately she took it too far because I bet her parents were extremely upset of what she did to you. I don't know...it hurts me a bit because my situation is unique due to the long distance. At first I wished none of this happened - but now I feel like I'm glad it did. I learned how she reacts under pressure and stress...and i learned how she isnt mature enough for our relationship and scenario. Either way I'll get through this and meet someone new one day, just a shame it didn't work with my ex..would have probably if I met her at a more mature stage in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Nancy87 Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 i so wanted to be friends with my ex, n the way he would ignore me would cut me into pieces, literally. Which is why i gave away this advice.. SInce i am in emotional pain, perhaps i cant think straight, n everyone out here is right. Lauri u r probably doing the right thing! Link to post Share on other sites
Nancy87 Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 the benefit of doubt which i am asking for is coz i acted rude n dumped him when he told me how his family feels abt me. I thought he shouldnt have told me that. wasnt the right thing to do. N then i maintained NC for 10 days, n when i got back to him after that. He said it's all over now.. GONE! FINISHED! All our marriage plans, the dreams of making a home together, all my efforts to make him happy, help him through his struggle VANISHED before him! Just because i misbehaved when he told me ugly thoughts his family had... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauri Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 the benefit of doubt which i am asking for is coz i acted rude n dumped him when he told me how his family feels abt me. I thought he shouldnt have told me that. wasnt the right thing to do. N then i maintained NC for 10 days, n when i got back to him after that. He said it's all over now.. GONE! FINISHED! All our marriage plans, the dreams of making a home together, all my efforts to make him happy, help him through his struggle VANISHED before him! Just because i misbehaved when he told me ugly thoughts his family had... I understand why you told me that Nancy. You are on the other side of the coin ...however you were right to end it with him at the same time. In my case my ex thought about doing this for a long time bc she lost interest in me while I was gone. That's why I think I'm doing the right thing...it wasn't fair what she did and its in her court. In your case, you have to stay strong and maintain non contact. Do you want to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who won't admit to what he did really hurt you? If his parents don't approve of you they will cause problems within the relationship - its for the best for you two to spent time apart and let thing settle. Once you build up yourself again and maybe feel rdy to move on, you can put things into perspective and see if he turns it around. But if I was you I would work out and look great - focus your energy on becoming a better person for yourself. Have you still been wanting to contact him? Link to post Share on other sites
Nancy87 Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 He wouldn't reply, would just ignore and delete.. or even if he replies, it would be one of the rudest thing that i would have ever heard from him.. Also i read a lot on breakups.. All this pain is due to 'Rejection' at the first place, i wouldn't want to feel rejected all over again n then lick my wounds in tears. No! This community has strengthened me, i don't feel the Need to text or call him anymore. But i am working on keeping myself from visiting his profile on social media, the harmless contacting which isn't very harmless itself. So yeah m working on it.. If he misses me someday, he would come and say it. How long can you go on thinking that probably others were right n what you saw and felt wasn't, not long! I know one day when he would start believing in himself, his decisions, his thoughts, his feelings.. the influence would go away n he will regret it.. And i wont be around that time.. COz i don't know how long he would take.. I am just not thinking on those lines anymore. I got a lot of other stuff to worry about which, well right now seems insignificant to me in this cruel pain, but i know would be my Accomplishment when i reflect back later in a sober state! Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 lauri listen some self esteem lyrics for us the dumpees 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauri Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 He wouldn't reply, would just ignore and delete.. or even if he replies, it would be one of the rudest thing that i would have ever heard from him.. Also i read a lot on breakups.. All this pain is due to 'Rejection' at the first place, i wouldn't want to feel rejected all over again n then lick my wounds in tears. No! This community has strengthened me, i don't feel the Need to text or call him anymore. But i am working on keeping myself from visiting his profile on social media, the harmless contacting which isn't very harmless itself. So yeah m working on it.. If he misses me someday, he would come and say it. How long can you go on thinking that probably others were right n what you saw and felt wasn't, not long! I know one day when he would start believing in himself, his decisions, his thoughts, his feelings.. the influence would go away n he will regret it.. And i wont be around that time.. COz i don't know how long he would take.. I am just not thinking on those lines anymore. I got a lot of other stuff to worry about which, well right now seems insignificant to me in this cruel pain, but i know would be my Accomplishment when i reflect back later in a sober state! The community has really helped me too. Nancy in 6 months we will both be posting on here talking about how this experience led us to better things. One thing that is really helping me move is not looking at my exs social media any more and deleting her number completely so I can't look at her whatsapp photos. I'd try to avoid looking at him anymore as it will open you open to feeling extremely hurt. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't post on here...it did me wonders. I will still wish her the best and I'm glad I don't hate her but I wish she at least was real with me towards the end rather then putting me in the dark. If she didn't do all this bs then maybe one day in the long future we could have tried to be at least civil and hi / bye basis...but that can't happen due to the fact her parents blame me for leaving her somewhere and her getting sexually harassed...which is hard to believe due to how safe my area is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 lauri my ex sexually was getting nailed to death for 3 years by me(although i was more romance guy like roses a kiss etc ) literaly i know it seems imature to say but cant imagine the dump ass to tolerate that and her. lol (my country is influenced by eastern beliefs) the dumpees in my opinion as i get clearer and clearer are the gods of the situation.... the winners the clean souls/// couldnt imagine my self thinking i abandoned my lovely one....that would be way worse for me.. i want to thank her ..... i now can focus on what i want from life.. i can see relationships different... the only thing i will keep hate in my heart for her is that since i was with her being my first love i was walking in the foreign grounds and that would have been perfect if it was forever.... also the friendship was getting me lower not upper... although i would never cut someone for that because everyone is special ....i think i was too much for her in a way she couldnt see it... i mean i was talking about cells and growth factors dalton weights and black holes time nd space .engineering a hi end fly boat and she was like i got my nails done from the neighboor... now i see.... i hope you do better lauri -john 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauri Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 Today is one of those days were I'm sitting here with not much to do (because I don't have a job yet, left my job abroad to be with her). I think I feel okay but I still think about her a lot and think about what she is doing...sometimes I get that feeling in my chest but then I keep reminding myself she is the one who messed up and not me. Sometimes you start to feel guilty and wonder "what if I did this?" - but it does my no good and I gotta keep moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nancy87 Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 It will go away Lauri, Just stay strong.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
movingonnow1 Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 The community has really helped me too. Nancy in 6 months we will both be posting on here talking about how this experience led us to better things. One thing that is really helping me move is not looking at my exs social media any more and deleting her number completely so I can't look at her whatsapp photos. I'd try to avoid looking at him anymore as it will open you open to feeling extremely hurt. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't post on here...it did me wonders. I will still wish her the best and I'm glad I don't hate her but I wish she at least was real with me towards the end rather then putting me in the dark. If she didn't do all this bs then maybe one day in the long future we could have tried to be at least civil and hi / bye basis...but that can't happen due to the fact her parents blame me for leaving her somewhere and her getting sexually harassed...which is hard to believe due to how safe my area is. I know man - this site has helped me cope big time. The whole sexual harassment thing...chances are she didn't but you don't want to flat out say that because you never know...but it is kind of convenient that it all happened immediately after you left her. Especially because she turned her parents against you and didnt even rush to contact you after it happened. I wonder how many other people have experienced something like this..my brothers ex girlfriend pretended to be pregnant and even told our parents she was!!! Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 thats correct keep thinking it or write it down too... my friend they did it not us Today is one of those days were I'm sitting here with not much to do (because I don't have a job yet, left my job abroad to be with her). I think I feel okay but I still think about her a lot and think about what she is doing...sometimes I get that feeling in my chest but then I keep reminding myself she is the one who messed up and not me. Sometimes you start to feel guilty and wonder "what if I did this?" - but it does my no good and I gotta keep moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
movingonnow1 Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 thats correct keep thinking it or write it down too... my friend they did it not us This. You didn't do anything wrong and there is nothing you could have done to change the situation. How she handled it was immature...no one deserves to deal with that. She hasn't tried to contact you since, has she? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauri Posted September 20, 2013 Author Share Posted September 20, 2013 (edited) This. You didn't do anything wrong and there is nothing you could have done to change the situation. How she handled it was immature...no one deserves to deal with that. She hasn't tried to contact you since, has she? No, she hasn't contacted me since Sept 7 at like 3:40 am, a day after I deleted her. I know I shouldn't be giving this girl any thought, but I guess I'm still kind of shocked someone would do this to me. Good news is I didn't give her my new number so she can't call me or even reach out to me. I do hope she realizes what she did to me was wrong and horrible. I think me cutting her off like I did completely threw her off guard and is bothering her, as she thought I wouldn't have the balls to do that and just walk away after all the investment I made in her. Wish I didn't book my flight to see her parents and focused on coming home first...maybe that pushed her over the edge and she couldn't handle the pressure of how serious it become considering I was away for a year. This just makes me wonder when I get serious with another girl again do I need to be cautious on how much commitment I show to remain a "challenge" and "interesting" to her? I feel like everything is a game! Edited September 20, 2013 by lauri Link to post Share on other sites
movingonnow1 Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 (edited) No, she hasn't contacted me since Sept 7 at like 3:40 am, a day after I deleted her. I know I shouldn't be giving this girl any thought, but I guess I'm still kind of shocked someone would do this to me. Good news is I didn't give her my new number so she can't call me or even reach out to me. I do hope she realizes what she did to me was wrong and horrible. I think me cutting her off like I did completely threw her off guard and is bothering her, as she thought I wouldn't have the balls to do that and just walk away after all the investment I made in her. Wish I didn't book my flight to see her parents and focused on coming home first...maybe that pushed her over the edge and she couldn't handle the pressure of how serious it become considering I was away for a year. This just makes me wonder when I get serious with another girl again do I need to be cautious on how much commitment I show to remain a "challenge" and "interesting" to her? I feel like everything is a game! U are right...it probably does bother her. She thought she could get away with anything with you and when she couldn't she took it to the extreme to get back control, which back fired even more. I'm struggling about my ex too...I saw photos of her with another guy ALREADY. I saw it by accident when logging onto facebook...I blocked her but I have a mutual friend who posted a photo of her dancing with this guy she told me was "friend zone". I confronted her about it when we were together and she said I'm being crazy, I don't know what I'm talking about, etc. You always have those gut feelings as a guy...never ignore them... On to the next one... Edited September 20, 2013 by movingonnow1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauri Posted September 21, 2013 Author Share Posted September 21, 2013 Man...I'm sorry to hear that. Its better you found that out now and will help you move forward. Speaking of moving forward...if my ex has not tried to contact me since I deleted her / her last message does this indicate she doesnt care and moved on a long time ago? I'm trying to keep finding reasons for me to keep moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 yes ..its hard as fak i know.. repeat with me... they left us THEY man they know our numbers so whats up? we get illusions? yes we do... we must move forward they checked out way earlier and decieved us....Man...I'm sorry to hear that. Its better you found that out now and will help you move forward. Speaking of moving forward...if my ex has not tried to contact me since I deleted her / her last message does this indicate she doesnt care and moved on a long time ago? I'm trying to keep finding reasons for me to keep moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nancy87 Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 yes ..its hard as fak i know.. repeat with me... they left us THEY man they know our numbers so whats up? we get illusions? yes we do... we must move forward they checked out way earlier and decieved us.... Why would they do that ? Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 one of reasons i can think is they had no morals to talk straight forward when they felt different.... and an other is they tried to get the max out of us....suck all our energy for their own good then throw up the its over talk and us left without energy hopeless in a foregn universe..... it sucks.... and i mean it they were bad people... when you dont want someone you talk about it straight ....Why would they do that ? Link to post Share on other sites
Nancy87 Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 (edited) I have always been v positive about him and thought that he must have his problems. But a person who can see only himself and his problems, what do v call him? a selfish loser! And i would like to think that it's only true they used us and sucked all the happiness out of us.. n when we got used to them n wanted to hold on.. suddenly they come up with their "PROBLEMS" He was always selfish, n now i can only remorse n curse myself for thinking that no, he would be considerate towards me. which he hasnt been! It wont be long enough till his shiny days run out of glamour and peace, still i wish him happiness.. Coz thats what i am n he only showed me what a disturbed mess he was! Edited September 21, 2013 by Nancy87 2 Link to post Share on other sites
movingonnow1 Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 Larui, I don't know if she is over you or even how she is feeling and you shouldn't care. She did a bad thing to do...and thats it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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