I got even with my cheating ex bf but feel bad

[BetrayedLady]

Hi everyone,

I know my ex bf at times posts here and saw his recent thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/409304-my-gf-now-cheated-me-take-her-back-2.html

 

Thing is I never got over what he did to me and the day I caught him. But now I don't know. From the looks of his post, it seems that he is really grieving and going through what I did with him. I kind of feel bad.

 

Thing is I told his now ex gf that he was about to cheat (I lied; I did read that he learnt and feels terrible about what he did and how he was never going to cheat on another woman again) and made up more stories about his past, started influencing her about how she needs to be with other guys and not only be with only 1 guy in her life (I knew she gave away her virginity to him). In the end, I got her to cheat on him.

 

But I'm feeling bad now. The latest I've heard is she has began going having sex with several other men and my ex bf is still single now.

[BetrayedLady]

I played a role on this and feel bad about what I did to that girl. I changed her permanently. I'm the one who first contacted her and told him about what he did to me and explained all the details about how I caught him.

 

Then we started contacting each other more and I fed her more ideas. I told her to enjoy life to the fullest, etc.

 

Now I ruined her and him too. I feel kind of bad. Should I like apologize?

[Philosoraptor]

I guess you won... hurt him and her.

 

Convinced her to cheat and messed with her emotions. She may have been reckless emotionally and had unprotected sex and caught who knows what.

 

Yes, you should apologize to the both of them. Two wrongs do not make a right, and you've seen that revenge does nothing but hurt you more in the end.

[BetrayedLady]

I guess you won... hurt him and her.

 

Convinced her to cheat and messed with her emotions. She may have been reckless emotionally and had unprotected sex and caught who knows what.

I forgot to mention, I also met up with her and were becoming friends. I would invite her to parties and introduced her to guys. Yes, I really messed her up.

 

Yes, you should apologize to the both of them. Two wrongs do not make a right, and you've seen that revenge does nothing but hurt you more in the end.

True, in the end I'll always carry the scar left over what he did to me.

[Toddbt12y1]

You should apologize. No one wins here. If you truly wanted victory, and to have true revenge, you should have lived well and taken no revenge. This way too, you could have been seen in a more respectable light, than now.

 

You lost, they lost. Just apologize. Revenge was never nothing but childishness, that destroys all involved, and strips honor from the first victim(you)....who would otherwise have.

[BetrayedLady]

I believe this is his first post when he came here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/177522-cheating-bastard-story

[BetrayedLady]

You lost, they lost. Just apologize. Revenge was never nothing but childishness, that destroys all involved, and strips honor from the first victim(you)....who would otherwise have.

True. I really don't feel like I won. Even after doing this, it's like nothing takes away the pain I went through when he cheated and I had to forever live with that horrible vision. At first, I took him back and tried hard but it was so hard. Suddenly, I wasn't depressed nor hurt anyone but anger overtook me at a faster pace. When I got angry, it's like I wanted to see him hurt and fail in life. I wanted a woman to hurt him badly and I got my wish but it's like this didn't solve anything in the end.

 

Now I don't care anymore. I'll let him move on without meddling or plotting things.

 

I think I'm ready to finally forgive him as a person. I guess no one deserves going through pain in the end.

[Chi townD]

This is what you wrote to his (at the time) girlfriend:

 

I'll never forgive that bastard nor what I went through when I caught him. That's right. I CAUGHT HIM. He is the reason I've developed some mistrust on all my relationships, including my new bf I'm with now. Be careful with him. He is one sneaky SOB. I'm willing to bet you would have never known about this had I not told you about it. Let me guess, he probably never mentioned about me to you and went on with his life while I'm the one still affected. Make your own judegment from there but don't say I didn't warn you.

 

So, do you feel better now that you got your pound of flesh? I mean, he hurt you beyond anything you've ever felt. BUT! You read his threads. He felt horrible about what he did and it cost him dearly. He lost you.

 

In his threads, I truly felt that he was remorseful about what he did and vowed never to do that sort of thing again. He lost you, but he wanted a second chance in life; in love. What he did to you changed him. He knew he didn't deserve you, so he moved on when you dumped him. He wanted to be a better man. He wasn't very proud of the man he was with you. So, he was working on being the type of man that he could be proud of.

 

Yeah, he hurt you and I'm not denying your pain. What he did to you was wrong. But, from what I've read you found the power to move on with your life. Hell, you have a new boyfriend. You were moving on and he shouldn't have been a factor to you anymore. He was a broken man trying to fix himself. A girl came into his life and he had an opportunity to do it right this time and possibly to atone for his past. So, I have to ask, Why? First off, why would you even keep tabs on a guy that cheated on you? How did you know he was even dating someone? Why would you even care? You should have been like, " Well, good luck to her! Because he's not my problem anymore!" Nope! You got in contact with his girlfriend and encouraged her to cheat on him. Hell, you did everything short of renting a hotel room for her!

 

So, now here we are. You've moved on. You're in a relationship and have someone in your life. His ex-girlfriend in taking your advice to heart and is "Living life to the fullest" with as many men as she can find and he is back to being single and broken. Hell, he doesn't even come on here anymore! You wanted him to feel your pain and it worked!

 

So, you're thinking of apologizing? Why? You stated that you would never forgive that bastard! If you want me to be honest, I think it would be best if you left him alone. Hell, he already feels like he deserved it because of what he did to you and is beating himself up about it. Now, to find out that YOU were the one that told her to "cheat on him before he has a chance to do it to you."; I don't think it will be well received.

 

You made your point. You won. Now, I would advise you to let him go.

Edited September 16, 2013 by Chi townD

[BetrayedLady]

ChiTown D no I'm single too and been for a while now.

 

This is my last thread and now his cheating ended up affecting me too:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/356798-did-past-cheater-made-me-serial-flirter

 

Even when I was in my former relationship, I would still check his facebook profile and find out if he's been dating or not. At that time, even if I was in a relationship I wasn't over my anger.

Edited September 16, 2013 by BetrayedLady

[Chi townD]

Okay... makes sense. You keep people at arms length. Even though you were dating, you never allowed yourself to get TOO close to him. Subconsciously, you started flirting and developing inappropriate relationships with other guys on the side that if and when it happens again, the fall won't hurt as bad because you've developed enough relationships with other guys that would act as a cushion for you and soften the blow.

 

But, you also dragged his girlfriend into it. YOU weren't a cheater, but you got her to be a weapon for you. And that's what she was to you. A weapon. Let me ask you this? Were you there the night she first cheated? Did you encourage her to go with this guy? And if this is the case, if she didn't say anything to your Ex were you going to?

 

Well, what's done is done. My question is, what do you want to happen here? What exactly are you looking for?

[BetrayedLady]

I've been introducing her to various men and Claude was the one she chose because he was the hottest one of all. I was also talking to my other female friends when she was there.

Yes, I admit to using her as a weapon and didn't really consider her a true friend (I faked a friendship with her). I only used her to get back at my ex bf. At that time I was vindictive and if she wouldn't have cheated, I would have worked on something else to destroy him. I was messed up at that time.

 

You're right. Ever since he hurt me, I've never really gotten too close to another man. I wouldn't cheat but I would do behaviors that were close to crossing the line and my previous ex bf (the one I was with last year) never found out about this. I was triple dating about a couple weeks ago but none of those men were my bf so I guess that's ok. I have to admit, I was playing around with them.

Edited September 16, 2013 by BetrayedLady

[Chi townD]

You're right. Ever since he hurt me, I've never really gotten too close to another man. I wouldn't cheat but I would do behaviors that were close to crossing the line and my previous ex bf (the one I was with last year) never found out about this. I was triple dating about a couple weeks ago but none of those men were my bf so I guess that's ok. I have to admit, I was playing around with them.

 

Then you were cheating on your boyfriend of a year. You don't have to have intercourse in order to cheat. A good definition of cheating is saying or doing some with someone that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other. That's cheating.

 

I would strongly advise you to seek out individual counseling for yourself. You never learned how to deal with the betrayal that happened to you. NOW! You don't know how to handle the guilt that you have. Because, technically, YOU were the one that cheated on Dingo. You were the one that got the revenge affair even if it wasn't you who was the one sleeping around.

 

So, again....what are you looking for?

[BetrayedLady]

Then you were cheating on your boyfriend of a year. You don't have to have intercourse in order to cheat. A good definition of cheating is saying or doing some with someone that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other. That's cheating.

Thank you for the definition. To be honest, I thought only deep physical contact and sex was cheating but not really online contact (flashing on cam, talking dirty, etc) or personally talking with the opposite about intimate stuff and nothing beyond hugging taking place.

 

I wanted to share my story and get rid of this hatred I had for him. I just realized how much he cared about his ex gf and didn't use her virginity. I recalled reading a post that he even took all the time to wait until she was ready without cheating on her; considering he cheated on me quickly for no good reason that was impressed.

Edited September 16, 2013 by BetrayedLady

[Chi townD]

Thank you for the definition. To be honest, I thought only deep physical contact and sex was cheating but not really online contact (flashing on cam, talking dirty, etc) or personally talking with the opposite about intimate stuff and nothing beyond hugging taking place.

 

I wanted to share my story and get rid of this hatred I had for him. I just realized how much he cared about his ex gf and didn't use her virginity. I recalled reading a post that he even took all the time to wait until she was ready without cheating on her; considering he cheated on me quickly for no good reason that was impressed.

 

Yep! I bet your boyfriend wouldn't have been too happy to see some of the stuff you were saying and doing with these other dudes if he was looking over your shoulder. And the fact that you stated that he "never found out" indicates that it was something worth hiding from him. That you knew it was wrong.

 

Okay, sounds like your hatred is gone, but it got replaced with some guilt. Because, now you see his pain. And the pain that he's feeling HAS ALWAYS BEEN TIED INTO YOU!!

 

That the karma bus hit him and he deserved what happened because of what he did in his past. Now he knows what the pain is like on the other side of the coin and now; he probably doesn't feel like he deserves to be loved or doesn't feel like ever pursuing another relationship. What for? He'll end up getting hurt in the end (sounds familiar doesn't it?).

 

I mean, it was kind of telling that his threads ended when he broke up with her. After he pulled the trigger, he disappeared. A lot of times when folks end relationship due to infidelity, folks usually hang around for support and words of encouragement. Not Dingo.... He probably felt that it was the end and nothing more that could be said or done. Never updated us on his progress. Never heard if he's girlfriend tried to get back in his life (but you've reported that she's sleeping around with several different men, so I'm banking that she didn't). So, I speculating that he's just cruising through life on auto-pilot.

 

I kind of get a feeling that you want to start a dialog with him again. And if so....to what end?

[BetrayedLady]

I kind of get a feeling that you want to start a dialog with him again. And if so....to what end?

Kind of but this time is not to get back at him. It's to apologize for how I have been acting as I really had no business interfering in his dating life, tell him I forgive, to not beat himself about it anymore and that I'm glad he kept the promise of becoming a better man and wish him the best in his next relationship.

 

You're right, neither of my past 2 bfs (high school sweetheart Chris nor the later one George) would have been happy about what I was doing.

 

After breaking up with Dingo, I went back to Chris for a while. Then after Christ, it was with George. Now I'm just into casual dating and friends but I'm thinking of really seeking a counselor.

Edited September 16, 2013 by BetrayedLady

[Chi townD]

Kind of but this time is not to get back at him. It's to apologize for how I have been acting as I really had no business interfering in his dating life, tell him I forgive, to not beat himself about it anymore and that I'm glad he kept the promise of becoming a better man and wish him the best in his next relationship.

 

 

He knows that you informed his former girlfriend about what he did to you. But, does he know that you were the reason that she cheated on him by the things you told her and afforded her all the opportunities and the men?

 

Does he know any of that? How involved you were?

[BetrayedLady]

He knows that you informed his former girlfriend about what he did to you. But, does he know that you were the reason that she cheated on him by the things you told her and afforded her all the opportunities and the men?

 

Does he know any of that? How involved you were?

No, I don't think he knows that part as this was a secret kept between his then gf and me.

 

After the ONS happened, she was feeling very guilty and said she needed to tell him about it but wouldn't mention anything about me. So no, assuming by this post he doesn't know about that.

[BetrayedLady]

But I think if he were to get back here, he'll find out about it because I replied on his first thread long ago and just wrote again now. Though apparently he didn't look at it or I would assume he would have told me about it at the time.

 

Then again, I pretty much didn't inform him that I've been reading his threads from time to time.

Edited September 16, 2013 by BetrayedLady

[Quiet Storm]

You need to learn how to cope with negative emotions.

 

It is not necessary to act out or get revenge to make yourself feel better. That is very immature behavior and indicates you never learned to self soothe.

 

Game playing, lies, manipulating are not healthy ways to deal with your feelings.

 

Healthy ways to cope could be: exercise, talking it out with a friend, do something creative, journal, read, listen to music, take a walk....

[Chi townD]

Well, I think you need to come clean to him about it. You won't gain a fan in him, but at least you can come clean about it.

 

But, YOU need to own up to it. DO NOT POINT FINGERS!!!! Saying that, " Well, it would have never of happened if you didn't do it first." Believe me, he paid the price for his past.

 

You just need to own up to your responsibility on what happened. Be prepared for him to be extremely angry. Be prepared to hear a lot of hateful things coming out of his mouth.

[harrybrown]

Think about how you would feel if he did this to you? would you like someone destroying your relationships? If you do tell them both, then stop messing with other peoples' lives.

 

I would suggest after you tell them both that you are sorry, leave him alone. It takes a long time to heal as you know. Move on to someone else, and treat them the way you would like to be treated.

[BetrayedLady]

Healthy ways to cope could be: exercise, talking it out with a friend, do something creative, journal, read, listen to music, take a walk....

Thank you. I have to say that before I met Dingo, I was starting to write a novel but never continue. It would have been finished by now. I think I'm going back to writing.

[BetrayedLady]

You just need to own up to your responsibility on what happened. Be prepared for him to be extremely angry. Be prepared to hear a lot of hateful things coming out of his mouth.

I know. I have to say wow. Now it's like the tables turned. I was the one super angry at him and now he does have a right to get upset.

[BetrayedLady]

Think about how you would feel if he did this to you? would you like someone destroying your relationships? If you do tell them both, then stop messing with other peoples' lives.

I admit if someone was ruining my relationships and found out who did it, I would be pissed off for sure. I don't blame him if he gets mad at me this time.

I would suggest after you tell them both that you are sorry, leave him alone.

Thank you and yes I will.

It takes a long time to heal as you know. Move on to someone else, and treat them the way you would like to be treated.

Yes it does take a hell of a long time to heal. I've been hurting since Dec of 2008. That's 4+ years of resentment I had for him but I'm ok now.

 

I have to say when I was with both Chris and later on George, they treated me great and didn't cheat but due to my turmoil state of mind and ongoing resentment, I didn't return them the same treatment and that was wrong on my part. Neither of them deserved that. In my next future relationship, I will treat him right but not make the mistake of putting my guard down easily and opening up a bit early, will wait till I can fully trust.

[manny702]

lol in all honesty you just sound like you still want him back, you can say no you dont or that your over him but i think you got a lil jealous when he was acting soo different with his new gf. You also said you would look at his Facebook lol, you still like him even if u dnt want to admit it. But watever if u think that your revenge to get even with him was worth it oh well...