My brother's behavior when drinking

[setsenia]

So my brother claims not to drink all the time, but when he does, he drinks A LOT and starts becoming verbally abusive to me and some of my relatives. He also borderlines on physical abuse, but he thinks he's being cute when he slaps someone on the back or by grabbing you and shaking you. He likes to pick up people when he is drunk and I repeatedly yelled "no" and when he ends up dropping me, I hit my leg on the wood of my mom's couch. Then he makes it worse my joking about it and touching me where it hurts. My mom and stepdad don't really do much about it, they kind of think that "oh that's just him being drunk and that's the way he is". I'm at the point where I really just want to limit my contact with him. There is no reason for him to patronize me and call me names out of the blue or do things I don't like. He is almost 30 years old, menial job and staying with my mom and stepdad right now. He is also in a long distance relationship with his girlfriend who I don't think has a clue how he is. His ex girlfriend put up with this for about 5 years before she left him. I've heard he'd do these things to her as well. I know I don't deserve to be treated this way and him being drunk is no excuse. He wonders why I don't want to drink with him.

[Balzac]

The parents are enablers. That's on them. His current and exHF have nothing to do w this. This problem is about you and his violation of your personal space.

 

You need to draw firm personal boundaries. I highly recommend AlANON to you for support.

 

How soon until you can vacate living there? Or do you all reside in the same house?

[Balzac]

Your husband tolerates this too? Id expect as guests, he's drinking, you'd be gone. That's what's normal judgement indicates.

[turnera]

"Mom, Dad, I'd love to come visit, but I can't any more if brother will be drinking. Let me know when you set a boundary and he doesn't drink there any more, and I'll be back."

[CC12]

Your husband tolerates this too? Id expect as guests, he's drinking, you'd be gone. That's what's normal judgement indicates.

 

Wait, OP, you're just visiting your family when these things happen? I was under the impression that you live there and are stuck having to deal with his behavior, but if you're a guest you can and should get up and leave any time you feel uncomfortable. And you can say exactly why you're leaving, too - "I don't like being around you when you're drinking. Bye, everyone, thanks for having me over." You don't even need to wait until he starts acting like a dick. If you know he's drinking, just excuse yourself.

[setsenia]

Hmm, that's true. Thing is, we live 2 1/2 hours away and this was going on after midnight. We were thinking of leaving, but since we'd had a few drinks, going home that late was out of the question.

[turnera]

Then you could have gone to bed. You're not going to change him. All you can do is change your boundaries and give consequences if he oversteps them.

[setsenia]

Then you could have gone to bed. You're not going to change him. All you can do is change your boundaries and give consequences if he oversteps them.

 

Unfortunately, we had to sleep in the living room as he has the bedroom, hence we couldn't go to bed until everyone decided to go to bed. When he was picking me up and not listening to me firmly saying "No" and "Stop", he wouldn't listen. I guess the only other option is self defense if he cannot keep his hands to himself?

[CC12]

I guess the only other option is self defense if he cannot keep his hands to himself?

 

I don't know about that. How do you think his drunken self would react to that? Slapping his hands away or punching him in the face or whatever might just provoke him.

 

You have other options, anyway. You could not drink when you go over there. You could stay in a hotel. You could only do day trips when you visit. 2.5 hours each way is kind of a lot for one day, but it's doable.

 

I think you're getting tripped up with this problem because you're trying to to fix it by controlling his behavior. You can't. You can only control yours. There are very simple solutions but I understand they are harder to execute. You must like staying with your family and relaxing over there, but you might have to give that up if your brother is being a nuisance.

[passingbreeze]

Where was your husband during the time that your brother was picking you up and generally "abusing" you? Why didn't he step in and put a stop to it? I can't believe he sat there and let that behavior continue. You should have been just as angry with your husband and parents, as you were with your brother.

[pink_sugar]

............................................

[setsenia]

Where was your husband during the time that your brother was picking you up and generally "abusing" you? Why didn't he step in and put a stop to it? I can't believe he sat there and let that behavior continue. You should have been just as angry with your husband and parents, as you were with your brother.

 

He was outside across the street grabbing laundry when my brother started picking me up and tossing me. And the other time, he was driving while my brother was being obnoxious. He almost stopped the car and told my brother to get out and walk. My brother makes a point to do this stuff while my husband isn't around or in the room. When he does, my husband definitely does tell him something...but again, my brother could choose not to listen to anyone.

[mea_M]

Fist off I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for you because I can sympathaize with what its like to be around a person with whom alcohol does not agree with. You see I once was that person until one day I woke up and realized that it was not the world around me that had the problem it was ME. My sobriety is a new life and a new perspective. :-)Your brother clearly has an issue with alcohol and until he can see that and fully believe it, the behavior will continue. I hope I don't sound harsh, but truth is when it comes to stuff like this it takes the drinker to WANT to stop. Don't take his behavior personally because this is not about you its about him. Alanon is a group for those who are associated with a person with addiction issues and it may be of help. Good luck. Whatever you do, do not enable.

 

Mea:)

[It's Just Me]

My mother's a drunk with anger issues, usually directed at me. I no longer go to family gatherings if she's going to be around. Life has been great since I made that decision. My siblings understand, and we see each other outside of the traditional holidays.

 

Keep in mind that I'm old (48), and finally decided to put a stop to this BS by stepping away, for my own sanity, about six years ago. For most of my life, I was always guilted (and gave in) into attending everything that was family-related, despite the drama that always unfurled, and the shattered pieces to pick up the next day. Taking myself out of that was the best thing that I ever did for myself.

 

Life is good.

[setsenia]

My mother's a drunk with anger issues, usually directed at me. I no longer go to family gatherings if she's going to be around. Life has been great since I made that decision. My siblings understand, and we see each other outside of the traditional holidays.

 

Keep in mind that I'm old (48), and finally decided to put a stop to this BS by stepping away, for my own sanity, about six years ago. For most of my life, I was always guilted (and gave in) into attending everything that was family-related, despite the drama that always unfurled, and the shattered pieces to pick up the next day. Taking myself out of that was the best thing that I ever did for myself.

 

Life is good.

 

I agree. My brother always wondered why I never drank with him and I guess I know the answer now. I've decided to put my foot down and not be around him when he drinks and not go out drinking with him either until he learns to control himself. I also can relate to family drama. My aunt was a big part of this and I've finally gotten my mom to stand up with me in support of having our own family gatherings without my aunt in presence. The last few times we had our gatherings with her, my aunt created problems and lashed out for no reason. (She has BPD and my grandmother enables her). This year we will be doing Thanksgiving without her.