secondfailure Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I am all over the place right now emotionally... This will be my second divorce in less than 10 years. I have finally decided to go to counseling to see what it is about me where I cant keep a wife.Thank God we dont have kids so we have no contact. I have been separated for almost a month now. 1st week she moved out I thought about just ending it all on my motorcycle. But I thought about my two daughts and how much they need me and I need them.. My STBXW has told me to move on and date other people because she is.. She told me that this past Friday as we met to severe bank acccounts and to sign the ded over to me and I signed the titles to her car for her. Our marriage was dooned from the start now that I sit back and think. I nver addressed the issues from my first marraiage and I though she was one I could marry. I take full responsibility for my part as to why it failed... This past weekend I went out on a date with someone I have known for years. She knows my situation...We went to a friends house to watch the Mayweather fight. Afterwards we went to her house and I am sorry.. I releved some stress if you get my drift. A small part of me felt bad but it was a relief. I know I am going a hundred miles an hour and this is nothing but a rebound thing because to e honest, if my wife wanted to come back, I would let her even thiough she has done some hurtful things to me lately.... Life is so hard... PLease tell me how to keep moving forward. I am so terrified of being alone. I am 41 and I feel like no one wants me.. Or will want an old man... Sounds childish I know but that is how I feel.. Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I nver addressed the issues from my first marraiage You and more than 50% of all divorcees fail to do this. Good for you for finally recognizing this. I wish you luck! Your 41, bro. You're still very young. Your fear of being alone is unfounded, but very common. You just need to get to a place where you feel good about yourself again. Therapy is the right first step. Sign up for some interesting classes. Do fun things on your own. Stop worrying about dating! Heal your self first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Moniq Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I feel the same way about being 'OLD' and no one wanting me. Im not interested in being with anyone but I feel like damaged goods, 31 single and two kids. And the body of a person who's had two pregnancy's, not the body a person would be proud of. IM baggage. So you are not alone in your feelings. I hope we can all come out of this sh!% hole in one piece. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
hayewils Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 guys, its not the end of the world although I know it seems that it is, but is not. I to have been through this before although I don't remember it being this hard. I think its harder for me this time around because my first ex, 11 years ago when we divorced, I feel its because I didn't really love her. We married because there were children on the way. I broke everything off with her when I found out she was pregnant because I knew then that I didn't love her. We did get married and spent 8 years together. That was also a nasty divorce, so when the fighting really got down and dirty with attorneys and her new boyfriend whom she became pregnant with before we were final, it just really pushed me away. I was dating in 5 months after she moved out. I went through a really screwed up time in my life then, made some really screwed up decisions. My current stbxw and I have been separated now 6 months, and for me it has been difficult because I was madly head over heels in love with her but she didn't love me. It has been hard dealing with the thought that I spent 6 years, 4 of those married to a woman who really doesn't know how to show emotion. Anyway, I haven't been dating at all and not interested in it. I do look at dating sites but, its not in my heart at all to really date. I think for me its more about the loneliness. where I am today is better, im still lonely and miss my stbx but I have to stop and realize that she is incapable of loving.. Me anyway. Going through these hard times we all sit back and blame ourselves, think about where we went wrong.. this is a normal reaction and I don't say its a bad thing at all. For me, it makes me realize my faults and what I will learn from and avoid in the future. By the way, Im 43. will be a year older next month. At first, thinking about my age bothered me. I also went through all the who will want me, nobody will want to be with an old man.. Now, I look at it as so what. It is so nice and quiet here in my house. I remember being single and content when I met my current ex and I am gonna get there again. I don't however have any real intention of dating. If I meet someone and we can talk and have a good time well good. we will see where it progresses. I went out to chilis the last two Saturday nights, drank some good cold beer, had some nachos, southwestern eggrolls which are my favorite.. But just sat there, watched people, then get up and come home to my quiet room and sleep like a baby. Im gonna get back to that content place I was before. Things may be slow but they do get better. I do wish my ex would leave my head and I know that eventually she wont be there anymore. then I know I will be in a happier place. Lets not let what people have done to us define us. lets take what we have and learn to re define ourselves. Im all up for that. My ex brother in law who my sister divorced a year and ahalf ago came by Saturday afternoon. It was the first time I saw him in two years. He looked great, he has worked on himself a lot and is doing just great. I was so shocked to see the new him. He was no longer the person he once was, lost a lot of weight, quit drinking, been working out. His mind is really focused. He has also been seeing several women and he talks about how much he loves his new life. He also said that he went through a tough time but that he now just focuses on himself. even broke off a couple of relationships because he knew that they weren't for him or that he still had work to do on himself. He is my idol now.. LOL needless to say we will all get to that point regardless of what we feel and think right now, it just takes time.. Everybody keep your head up. Use this time to become better, stronger individuals.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 Your 41, bro. You're still very young. Your fear of being alone is unfounded, but very common. You just need to get to a place where you feel good about yourself again. Therapy is the right first step. Sign up for some interesting classes. Do fun things on your own. Stop worrying about dating! Heal your self first. Good advice. I'd be very honest with any dating partners about what you are - or are not - looking for in life right now. Bad karma to hurt someone else in an effort to make yourself feel better. As GIL said it's OK to hang out and just chill with friends, no dating or romance need be involved. Best to be completely done with one relationship and have a clear head before proceeding. Lots of life ahead of you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 SF, your emotions are going to be all over the board for awhile. Don't worry about right now, just know that it will happen. You will have a few good days and then be back in the dumps for a few. That is just the roller coaster ride that has to play out as the old relationship ends. Guy is right dating is not what you need today, that will happen in time, after you give yourself a chance to heal. I highly recommend that you seek counseling and address the issues that led to the demise of your marriages. Also this is an excellent time to remake you to the new and improved version. Exercise helps to relieve stress and makes for healthier you. Learn to cook healthier and find some different things you can add to the party with friends. Concentrate on a hobby you have neglected or start one you have always wanted to try. Get out and do things with friends and family, such as art, theater, etc. Donate time to a worthy cause to help those in need and take the emphasis off of you. All this make for a more fun and interesting person that a woman in your age group would love you to spend time with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 O and ML, thank you all so much for the advice, The thing is we have been friends for years.. She went through a divorce a few years ago and we happen to just be talking.. I know you are right but she is just someone to talk to and converse with. I do have friends and my sister who lives in Tennessee has be great. We talk almost every other day. I am proud to say that I have made up my mind that I will not contact my ex under any circumstance. So that is a start.. But I feel like I am just conversing with this lady. She even mentioned thjat she knows II am in no position for a relationship... sigh.. I am not trying to hurt this lady. She is a good friend... Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 I feel the same way about being 'OLD' and no one wanting me. Im not interested in being with anyone but I feel like damaged goods, 31 single and two kids. And the body of a person who's had two pregnancy's, not the body a person would be proud of. IM baggage. So you are not alone in your feelings. I hope we can all come out of this sh!% hole in one piece. Take care. 31??? Sweetheart, you are a baby. And, you, too, need to work on yourself. Of course someone wants you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 Oh, and Haywils, I'm SO happy to see you still here and fighting on. You were a hot mess a few months ago and we're all rooting for you, bro. Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 delete - duplicate Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 SF just make sure she knows because most of us (women) can't have sex without some emotion.. and if she has been a longtime friend..then there is some kind of emotion there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 Well this is good news in a way. We were supposed to meet tonight but she cancelled becasue she said she had some reservations. For some reason I am a little relieved. When she called, my ex was calling me at the sametime and for the first time I did not answer her call. I guess that is progress. I said God must be telling me that I need to go through this process and work through it and work on me before I possibly drag some innocent person through the mud just so I can be happy.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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