Problems with my mother, invading privacy.

[NGC1300]

My mother has always been filled with anxiety and worry, and very frequently this manifests into her starting arguments and trying to degrade me and make me feel inferior. I don't know why this is her coping mechanism, but it really is.

 

The thing is, she's aware that she does it, and has often apologized to me after each episode. I believe she loves me, and she does show affection. I have simply accepted her character flaw, as has my father, and no longer allow myself to care about any of her negativity.

 

Last night, she started another episode about my apartment not being clean enough (I work 6 days a week), and it ended with her storming out of my apartment and forcing my dad to drive her home. She then calls me 3 times in an hour, and when I finally answer, she's just crying and telling me she's sorry and how she's worried about her parents who are both dying.

 

The problem is, she then took it a little too far. While I was at work she entered my apartment and did some major cleaning and organizing. I know she meant well, but I'm 29 years old, am I wrong not to want my mother going through my apartment room by room?

 

Christ I had my pop pipe out, wich I know she saw. She probably accepts I smoke, but still that's my business.

 

Anyway, it just felt like an invasion of my privacy. I am not a child, yet she's treating me like a CHILD.

 

In case your wondering, she has access because my dad own the home and rents it out to me.

 

Would really appreciate some thoughts on this.

Edited September 17, 2013 by NGC1300

[Roadkill007]

kind of sounds like she's too obsessed with your life and not living her own. If she had some childhood dreams like traveling the world or something, try to see if your dad can make some of them come true. If she finds something else to fixate on, she might leave you alone.

 

Alternatively, you could move out. This might be the harder option, but I think it's the more effective one. Once she loses her grip on you, it might be hard for her for a bit, but you should stop her stepping all over your boundaries.

[CC12]

In case your wondering, she has access because my dad own the home and rents it out to me.

 

Then she owns it as well if they're married. They have an interest in keeping the place livable so if you're like, hoarding it up in there and doing possible permanent damage to their property, they sort of have a right to get on your case about keeping it clean. I'm assuming it wasn't anything near that level, though, and was just some basic untidiness, right?

 

It was still wrong of her to trespass into your home and handle your personal belongings. You know she meant well, so try to be nice to her while making it really clear that she can't do that and she needs to respect your privacy and independence.

 

Can you get your dad on your side of this and ask him to make sure your mother doesn't have access to your keys?

[carhill]

In case your wondering, she has access because my dad own the home and rents it out to me.

 

Change the locks. Problem solved. This presumes there's no lease legally precluding that step. I would also recommend buying your own place at your earliest convenience. At 29, that shouldn't be an issue.

 

You set your boundaries.

 

Back many years ago when I was single after my dad died my mom got a little too close to my boundaries and got a taste of the concrete walls they had provided for me as guidance during my socialization. She got taught the 'rules' of engagement with her adult son. The consequences of violating the rules was lack of interaction. The dynamic worked and I would later go on to provide her with personal end-of-life care during a long illness. Setting clear boundaries and enforcing them works, IMO. Perhaps that's tough to do with family but boundaries apply to all interactions and family is no exception.

 

Balanced with that, accept the responsibility of a son supporting his mother at a time when she's facing the death of her parents. In all things, there is balance. Good luck.

[NGC1300]

It was a horrible idea renting from family.

 

At first I thought it was great; cheap rent. But now it's like I'm practically still living at home like a child. I pay 100% of my bills. I thought I was "on my own", but I guess still not yet?

 

I'm not going to mention anything to her. It's very possible she may have done it to try and again make me feel inferior.

 

From now on I'm going to deadbolt the front door, and go out the back as I don't think they have keys for the back door.

[CC12]

So are you a hoarder or not?

[NGC1300]

So are you a hoarder or not?

 

Not even close. At worst, I had some clothes on the floor, and the bathroom wasn't tidy enough for her. There may have been a dirty pan on the stove as well.

 

I'm really irritated with her cycles of degrading me and then apologizing. I really believe she meant well, and I guess I'll let it slide, but damn it's irritating to be 29 and have my mother digging through my apartment.

Edited September 17, 2013 by NGC1300

[CC12]

Not even close. At worst, I had some clothes on the floor, and the bathroom wasn't tidy enough for her. There may have been a dirty pan on the stove as well.

 

I'm really irritated with her cycles of degrading me and then apologizing. I really believe she meant well, and I guess I'll let it slide, but damn it's irritating to be 29 and have my mother digging through my apartment.

 

Why let it slide? Why not take this opportunity to tell her why she irritated you? And to maybe ask her to stop taking her personal problems out on you?

[NGC1300]

Why let it slide? Why not take this opportunity to tell her why she irritated you? And to maybe ask her to stop taking her personal problems out on you?

 

I understand what you're saying, but I can just picture this starting yet another argument. I do understand she's under stress with the prospect of losing both parents, just seems like a *****ty time to discuss this.

 

Also, I know this sounds funny, but I'm so used to her attempts to degrade that I feel like I come out the loser if I acknowledge in any way she's upset me.

[CC12]

Also, I know this sounds funny, but I'm so used to her attempts to degrade that I feel like I come out the loser if I acknowledge in any way she's upset me.

 

 

Sorry, man.