has success gone to his head?

[jan]

it seems that since my boyfriends loan business has finally taken off and he is making alot of money that he is getting more arrogant and self-centered then ever.

 

he has taken to "tell" me what to do with my bills, like my cell phone and not running up my minutes, buying things unnecessarily and for some reason because i pay my bills by the due date and not the second i get them that that is something i should not do! according to him anyway.

 

this is really getting on my nerves, true he pays a majority of the bills and rent but does that give him the right to put me down about what i do with my money.

 

another example is, i bought a cell phone cause i don't like the one i have, the talk time is only 30 mns, this one i bought is 2 1/2 hrs.

 

well when he found out i bought it he went off on me like a little kid, i almost felt like either smacking him or hanging my head in shame, instead i told him don't worry about it i had to bring it back anyway, it didn't work with my phone carrier.

 

i charged it at circuit city where i have a credit limit, i told him i only have to pay $15.00 a month but his problem with that is it's for such a long time and blah, blah, blah.

 

i'm getting to a point where i feel i have to hide things from him, like if i do buy something cause i know i could use it for something better.

 

it seems he has gotten worse with the more money he is making, i know he is really stressed out but what does that have to do with my money as long as i help with things?

 

we just moved into this house and he bought several things expensive things for the house, he says he is building us a home by buying all these things.

 

that is all find and dandy with me but it;s not going to seem much like a home at this rate. what can i tell him,i've already told him to stop talking down to me, but he doesn't get it. other then this, we get along fine and we dont even fight except about this issue help! please! jan

[ashesmum]

I see your point.... and I see his. If you were paying half for rent and the house bills, I would say do whatever you want with the rest of the money. But you aren't. I would just sit him down and go over your thoughts with him. Did he talk down to you before? Was you "splurging" a problem before? Maybe he sees himself spending more in the relationship than you. Go over your budget and see how much you can put in the bills and see what he says or thinks. And remember money doesn't grow on credit trees either. Cause sooner or later he'll see those bills too. Good luck.

it seems that since my boyfriends loan business has finally taken off and he is making alot of money that he is getting more arrogant and self-centered then ever. he has taken to "tell" me what to do with my bills, like my cell phone and not running up my minutes, buying things unnecessarily and for some reason because i pay my bills by the due date and not the second i get them that that is something i should not do! according to him anyway. this is really getting on my nerves, true he pays a majority of the bills and rent but does that give him the right to put me down about what i do with my money. another example is, i bought a cell phone cause i don't like the one i have, the talk time is only 30 mns, this one i bought is 2 1/2 hrs.

 

well when he found out i bought it he went off on me like a little kid, i almost felt like either smacking him or hanging my head in shame, instead i told him don't worry about it i had to bring it back anyway, it didn't work with my phone carrier. i charged it at circuit city where i have a credit limit, i told him i only have to pay $15.00 a month but his problem with that is it's for such a long time and blah, blah, blah. i'm getting to a point where i feel i have to hide things from him, like if i do buy something cause i know i could use it for something better.

 

it seems he has gotten worse with the more money he is making, i know he is really stressed out but what does that have to do with my money as long as i help with things? we just moved into this house and he bought several things expensive things for the house, he says he is building us a home by buying all these things. that is all find and dandy with me but it;s not going to seem much like a home at this rate. what can i tell him,i've already told him to stop talking down to me, but he doesn't get it. other then this, we get along fine and we dont even fight except about this issue help! please! jan

[Juds]

In this situation I would sit down, when you are both calm, and discuss trying to work out a joint household budget.

 

Work out between you all the possible outgoings regarding your home/bills etc, and then work out an amount that you will both have as your OWN spending money, to do with as you see fit. Agree that neither person may criticise, nor make judgement on the other person's purchases.

 

I would do this now, and considering that his business is on the rise, I would make sure that it is well understood by the both of you.

 

Sounds to me like he is pretty focused on money at the moment. Working a new business is incredibly stressful, he has probably been watching every cent, and is bringing that home with him. Rather than argue with him, I would adopt a rational and businesslike approach. In his mindset, that will probably work best. Personally, I think that men often respond to problems when they are presented in a clear and logical manner, rather than ambiguous statements like "treat me like an equal", which could mean any number of things.

 

However, if this becomes an ongoing problem, despite your concerns, then I would review my relationship. Financial wealth can go to some peoples head, and give them a feeling of superiority, and control. Just be aware.

[Deejette]

Obviously he believes in having a future with you because he talks about having a future house, so if you want to have a decent relationship with him instead of bickering resentment, you are going to have to lay the groundwork for how you want to be talked to. If he is treating you this way now, he won't improve in the future unless you put a stop to his controlling behavior.

 

You are not even married and he acts like he monitors your decisions, such as the one to buy a new cell phone. I personally would not like to be in the position of having someone lecture me on how I spend my money. But when a relationship is unequal as far as how much money a person contributes, the person with less money does not have to be bought, or feel obligated to take crap, just because they are not contributing as much.

In this situation I would sit down, when you are both calm, and discuss trying to work out a joint household budget. Work out between you all the possible outgoings regarding your home/bills etc, and then work out an amount that you will both have as your OWN spending money, to do with as you see fit. Agree that neither person may criticise, nor make judgement on the other person's purchases. I would do this now, and considering that his business is on the rise, I would make sure that it is well understood by the both of you.

 

Sounds to me like he is pretty focused on money at the moment. Working a new business is incredibly stressful, he has probably been watching every cent, and is bringing that home with him. Rather than argue with him, I would adopt a rational and businesslike approach. In his mindset, that will probably work best. Personally, I think that men often respond to problems when they are presented in a clear and logical manner, rather than ambiguous statements like "treat me like an equal", which could mean any number of things. However, if this becomes an ongoing problem, despite your concerns, then I would review my relationship. Financial wealth can go to some peoples head, and give them a feeling of superiority, and control. Just be aware.

[jan recap:]

well just when i was thinking the worst about him he goes to verizon and gets me a totally new phone and phone service! i asked him why he did this after all the yelling at me, he said cause he wanted to do this for me, guilt?

 

anyway, i have voice stream and a horrible old phone because i broke my other one and had to use this junky little thing, that is why i wanted a different phone with a different provider.

 

this is really surprising me, when he called me and told me i said "who is this!?" he said it's me your boyfriend, he said now he don't want to hear me bitching anymore.

 

i wasn't bitching that much before until i broke my phone, except voice stream is so horrible, i was just waiting until april when my contract is up to get rid of them.

 

i still will have a talk with him tho about his controlling behavior, and i thought i was bad?! hah! anyway great advise from all of you, really, i mean it, and i am going to talk to him and tell him we need to sit and discuss how much he needs from me and what is left over is my business and i don't want to hear about it either.

 

i am also going to tell him to stop treating me like a child to let me be responsible for my mistakes and for him not to judge me just because he thinks he is "perfect"

 

ya know other then that he is really a good person, i love him very much, it's just this one problem with him treating me like he does and he can't buy me off with a phone either, don't get me wrong, i'm not that easy.

 

thank you all for such great advise and i fully intend to use it!............jan

it seems that since my boyfriends loan business has finally taken off and he is making alot of money that he is getting more arrogant and self-centered then ever. he has taken to "tell" me what to do with my bills, like my cell phone and not running up my minutes, buying things unnecessarily and for some reason because i pay my bills by the due date and not the second i get them that that is something i should not do! according to him anyway. this is really getting on my nerves, true he pays a majority of the bills and rent but does that give him the right to put me down about what i do with my money. another example is, i bought a cell phone cause i don't like the one i have, the talk time is only 30 mns, this one i bought is 2 1/2 hrs.

 

well when he found out i bought it he went off on me like a little kid, i almost felt like either smacking him or hanging my head in shame, instead i told him don't worry about it i had to bring it back anyway, it didn't work with my phone carrier. i charged it at circuit city where i have a credit limit, i told him i only have to pay $15.00 a month but his problem with that is it's for such a long time and blah, blah, blah. i'm getting to a point where i feel i have to hide things from him, like if i do buy something cause i know i could use it for something better.

 

it seems he has gotten worse with the more money he is making, i know he is really stressed out but what does that have to do with my money as long as i help with things? we just moved into this house and he bought several things expensive things for the house, he says he is building us a home by buying all these things. that is all find and dandy with me but it;s not going to seem much like a home at this rate. what can i tell him,i've already told him to stop talking down to me, but he doesn't get it. other then this, we get along fine and we dont even fight except about this issue help! please! jan