In-law Issues

[winterpast]

I've been dealing with some issues with my In-laws and wonder if anyone has a similar experience. I'm pretty sure that they are just toxic and we have been distancing ourselves from them. I don't know if we have been handling the issues the right way but maybe someone can give me some advice.

 

For the most part of the time I have been with my Husband my In-laws never cared much about our lives. They didn't care when the last time they had heard from my Husband nor when they last saw him. Basically, hubby would have to make the calls and set up visit times just to see them, otherwise they never initiated contact. We were young and he thought this was how it was suppose to be.

 

During our year long engagement we would run into a few problems with MIL. Basically she would try to start drama over something one week and change her tune the next. At this point the drama was getting annoying.

 

Two years ago we had our son. During the pregnancy MIL never really acknowledged the pregnancy (none too surprising) but FIL seemed pretty excited. When our son was born, MIL got baby fever and wanted to spend a lot of time with him (so did everyone else but not as extreme). One week after the birth she was trying to get us to go out on a date and let her have alone time with the baby. Of course, we were way too tired to want to go out and declined. From day one, she has disagreed with every parenting decision we made. We still made our decisions as we saw fit but the constant "you don't know what you are doing!" lectures got old. Hubby would tell them off but it didn't faze them.

 

Now, I don't try as hard to have a relationship with them. Hubby will go weeks before attempt contact. He has really disconnected himself from them because anytime he speaks with them they will berate him or yell at him. They don't like his job and they feel that he is working too much. FIL told him that it pisses him off that hubby works so much and he should stop. MIL will call him just to complain about his job or about me.

 

They will go weeks without calling or visiting because they believe it's our job to ensure that they see their Grandson. If they go several weeks without seeing him then we are "keeping" him from them, even though they live less than 5 minutes from the house. I've never told them they are not allowed to see their Grandson although this is the story they tell people.

 

I've decided that we can meet them in the middle but nothing more. If they what to be so rigid that they are making it difficult to have a relationship with their Grandson then that is their fault. My major concern is the toll this is playing on my Husband. He is very hurt and I think depressed. Honestly, if one of them would just call and say "I'm proud of you" or "I love you" then it would mean the world to him.

 

Anyways, that is the jist. I can elaborate more if needed. Any suggestions appreciated.

[CC12]

I've decided that we can meet them in the middle but nothing more. If they what to be so rigid that they are making it difficult to have a relationship with their Grandson then that is their fault.

 

I get what you're saying, but this kind of just looks like a power struggle. They think you should initiate all visits, and you think they should do more. You're both right, you're both wrong, who cares. You know who cares the least about who is right? Your son. If they're good grandparents and he likes spending time with them, then he doesn't care who initiates. He's just happy to see his fun grandparents, I'd imagine. If that's the case, just tune out the drama, suck it up and do all the initiating (2-3 times a month?) so your son can have a relationship with his grandparents.

 

And if you're at the point where you're trying to cut ties with them, it's not about meeting them in the middle, it's about removing them from your lives entirely.

[winterpast]

It does feel like a power struggle in a way but it also feels like 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' situation. The reason why is because when my son was born I would try to make sure to set up one or two days a week for them to see him. I even tried to set up a day of the week each set of grandparents will get to see him (i.e. one side gets sat. and the other gets sun.) The problem I was getting with MIL is if she got one day then she would complain about wanting two. If she got two days then she would complain about wanting three and so on.

 

If I called to set up a day then she would say she wasn't available (which is in her right). I would ask her to let me know when she would like to see him and she would never get back in touch. Then, the next time I would get back in touch with her she would accuse us of keeping him from her.

 

I would try to adjust to how she would like it just so she could have a relationship with him but after a couple of weeks she would cause drama in some form and make us out to be the bad guys.

 

She 100% does not like me, never has, but I've always tried to be civil with her. Lately, it's getting worse because she seems to come up with a million reasons to why I mistreat her.

 

In the end, I have to live my life in the best way for my Son and Husband. I invite her to be a part of it but I can't do ALL the work.

[winterpast]

suck it up and do all the initiating (2-3 times a month

 

I've been trying this, REALLY been trying, but it's difficult when she ignores contact or is never available. In normal circumstances I would stay this is a normal part of life. People get busy and can't, I get it. But it's hurtful to tell people that she doesn't see him because I'm keeping him from her and not because sometimes our schedules conflict.

[winterpast]

And another thing I would like to point out is a trait of hers that has been there ever since my Husband can remember. All his life, MIL has been the type to want people to 'chase' her. What I mean is, if she wanted something and was told no then she would give you the silent treatment for WEEKS until she got it. Or, she would make situations difficult just to test you and see if you would try that much harder to make her happy.

[carhill]

IMO, it's your H's responsibility to set boundaries with his parents.

 

My exW's niece had similar issues and her H terminated contact with his parents and their contact with their two children. It was hard to do but he was as strong-willed as they were, and prevailed. This was the couple where my exW and I stood in for his parents during part of the wedding due to their antics. Oh, the drama.

 

You're a team. H is on the point with his parents. He's the sharp end of the stick. Do what's best for your family. If no healthy compromise can be reached, terminate. Good luck.

[Daisy7]

IMO, it's your H's responsibility to set boundaries with his parents.

 

You're a team. H is on the point with his parents. He's the sharp end of the stick. Do what's best for your family. If no healthy compromise can be reached, terminate. Good luck.

 

 

Oh my i can't imagine my own MIL she is a nut job as it is, it would be war. I wish my husband would set boundaries right now with his mother, but he believes every manipulative action she does. He needs to deal with his parents truly deal with them and have a heart to heart conversation with them about what is going on.

[winterpast]

He is the one dealing with them. All of the complaints that are about me are directed at him. We want them to have a relationship with our child and they will always have that option. The power struggle is mostly them wanting to tell us how to live and control EVERYTHING. When they go too far, Hubby tells them to back off.

 

We also have to keep our child's safety as priority number one. That means when they can't disrespect us in front of our child or compromise his safety to spite us.

 

MIL put us on a 4 week silent treatment a few months back because she was told to use a carseat. She was the babysitter for our date nights. She told us about going a mile down the road to visit GMIL with our son. She also mentioned how she didn't use a carseat because it was just down the road and not a big deal. Hubby went off and told her that she will not be allowed to watch our son if she cannot use better judgement. She told him that this was all coming from 'her' (meaning me) and she knew that if Hubby had a choice in the matter that he would let MIL do what she wanted. She also said that we needed to learn to trust her more. After that conversation, she refused to speak to us or see our son.

[winterpast]

Oh my i can't imagine my own MIL she is a nut job as it is, it would be war. I wish my husband would set boundaries right now with his mother, but he believes every manipulative action she does. He needs to deal with his parents truly deal with them and have a heart to heart conversation with them about what is going on.

 

He is dealing with them. Every time he stands up to them is another few weeks of the silent treatment. The silent treatments don't really bother us anymore because we are tired of the drama. At this point, I don't think there is much else to do but I'm not sure how our son can have a healthy relationship with them either.

[carhill]

Yep, it's war, sometimes. Unpleasant, but life sometimes is unpleasant. The particular couple I spoke of created about five hours of driving distance between themselves and his parents and maintained it. I hope things, over time, have resolved but he was pretty adamant about maintaining no contact during the years while my exW and I were married.

 

One potential solution is to simply go quiet. They rarely contact so leave it at that, while responding positively to contacts which are welcome and productive, and negatively if/when they turn into 'bitch sessions'. Otherwise, focus on your own lives and that of your child. Make FIL and MIL minor players. We all have choices.

[winterpast]

 

One potential solution is to simply go quiet. They rarely contact so leave it at that, while responding positively to contacts which are welcome and productive, and negatively if/when they turn into 'bitch sessions'. Otherwise, focus on your own lives and that of your child. Make FIL and MIL minor players. We all have choices.

 

This is what we've come to realize. We will try to be respectful but also maintain a structured life for our son.

[Daisy7]

Winterpast:

 

Its good that your husband stands up for you, i fear mines wont do the same. On this you are good let them think whatever it is they want, they need to respect your rules as a mother, because it is YOUR child not theirs and simple rules should be considered. If they want to behave like children themselves by giving you the silent treatment then thats their problem. You did try to have a relationship and so did your husband for your son but unfortunately they are too sensitive.

My MIL is dominant and manipulative, i would never let her near my children (she always has threats about depression and suicide although no one takes her seriously everyone would be against me) and it will be such war between us this is one of the reasons to not have kids in my marriage at the moment or for a while. My MIL is the same way if my husband treats her a certain way she thinks is because of me and puts the blame on me. I really resent her.

 

Do not let your inlaws rule your life, they lived their life how they pleased and did what they wanted how they wanted it is your turn they can not intervene. If they get mad o well is their decision to act childish. You tried your best to keep a relationship with them they have no right to control your parenting skills or anything.