Do you have the right to judge your partner's past? Should they have "known" to wait?

[Barby]

Okay now this may sound lame but I'm seriously curious! After reading some of the posts on here and some of the responses, it's got me thinking......

 

Why is it we get upset at our BF/GF for having a past before us? (having not just one sexual encounter, having a few ex serious relationships, ect).

 

For the people that have a problem with their partner's past history........What did you expect, for them to wait on you? Like they would have known they were going to meet you and should have saved themselves or not pursued other relationships (which normally lead to sexual activity)??

 

And for the ones who think their partners should have not done every sexual act with there previous partners "cuz now it's not special or just "ours"" Were they not suppossed to try things out just because it wasn't with you? If you didn't know that the two of you were going to be together, were they not suppossed to act on love?

 

One more thing......who is anyone to say "if you have done some (sexual act) with someone else, we can't do it?

 

EVERYONE HAS the right to make personal choices that is NOT what I'm getting at, I'm just curious on the reasoning and way of thinking of the people who believe that their partner's past is something bad or something they shouldn't have done or should be ashamed of...(I'm not trying to turn this into the "slut poll" thread so please don't I just am curious why one thinks it's ok to punish (emotionally in a sense) their partner for his or her past experiences).

 

Again this stems from posts read on here, it got me thinking so I had to ask!

[alphamale]

Judging someone's past happens all the time in the real world and is a good indicator of their future behavior. A good example is looking at a potential employee's past work experience.

 

That said, we all have a "past" and usually there are positive and negatives about it. If you cannot accept your partner's past then you should not be with them.

[HokeyReligions]

I've seen those posts too. IMHO, it boils down to youth and not understanding one's own priorities and communicating thost priorities.

 

Fall in love with the person of today. Change their past and they may not be someone you would fall in love with.

 

As Pumba (or was it Timone?) said in The Lion King: "Put your behind, in the past!" LOL!

[blind_otter]

It stems from insecurity, IMO. Or a control issue.

 

I agree, I think it's absurd to think that each person should magically wait. Like you should have a psychic inkling into your future partner, and who knows if you will even stay with the partner whose past you are so jealous about?

[Jilly10340]

I agree with you completely Barby. It irritates me when someone has a problem with another person's past. They can't change their past, they can't take it back, and it makes the person who they are today. A person's past doesn't reflect on their feelings for their current bf or gf.

 

And as for the "it's not special anymore because you've already done it." What's makes something special isn't if you've done it before but the person you're doing it with. It doesn't matter if you've done it a thousand times, it's special if you really care about the person.

 

It would be great if we could all wait for marriage, but that's just not practical. It would be all fine if we all got married at 19 but that's not the situation in most cases. Most people get married in their middle 20's or so. Are we suppose to "save" ourselves until then?

 

I just think it's a blow to some people's ego that there was someone there before them. What really matters is that THEY are with the person NOW, and that's all that should matter.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Jilly10340

I just think it's a blow to some people's ego that there was someone there before them. What really matters is that THEY are with the person NOW, and that's all that should matter.

 

Dear Jilly:

Your are correct with the above idealistic revelation but please remember that we are dealing with irrational human emotions such as jealousy, love, hate, egotism, etc.... Human emotions cause many problems because objectivity flies out the window.

 

In MY past experience with women I have seen that women have a harder time dealing with their man's past than the other way around.

[Barby]

I agree that

 

That said, we all have a "past" and usually there are positive and negatives about it. If you cannot accept your partner's past then you should not be with them

.

 

But reading some of the posts on here you just see how judgemental people can be. In the "real world" I realize that judgements are everywhere and a fact of life but I too feel it's a sense of immaturity to some extent!

 

 

 

And as for the "it's not special anymore because you've already done it." What's makes something special isn't if you've done it before but the person you're doing it with. It doesn't matter if you've done it a thousand times, it's special if you really care about the person.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself!

[tattoomytoe]

Major reason i do not tell too much info with specifics about persons or names, when telling my past to my SO.

 

and i really do not have tooo much interest about my bf past, as i can be a little jealous, not that i would hold it against him all irrationally and all.......so i do not really ask.

[Barby]

I know that some jealousy is normal but I'm talking...."omg she/he shouldn't have done this or that, now there is nothing special for us left to do" or something similar.

 

I don't care for the fact that my BF had an affair with a married woman (his boss's wife) for a year while he lived back home in Mexico (before he came to the US and before we met). I don't think it showed much respect for himself or his boss but I can't and won't hold it against him...jealousy sometimes makes it worm into my mind and he's the same with me....

 

But overall I wonder if indeed it is insecurity that makes one have a problem with a partners past....? Or if it's something deeper...?

[Stone]

I refuse to talk about my sexual past with my partner and he doesn't aske me about it. I don't know why people want to dig around in someone's past or "feel better if they knew about it" I don't want to know about his sexual past nor do I feel it is necessary to discuss mine. As long as I know he is clean and disease free and he loves me that's the only important thing.

 

Before I was serious with my b/f I was dating a guy who needed to know how many partners I had, how many one night stands, ect. this long list of requests so I dumped him immeditly. It was a HUGE RED FLAG

[EnigmaXOXO]

Well…I must admit I've become one of those overly cautious types (aka: ex burn-victim) who does at least take it into consideration.

 

I've found that in most cases I can overcome my personal anxieties so long as I'm relatively certain that the past remains in the past and there has been enough time and distance that it is no longer a part of that person's present. For example, I would not be very pliable if:

 

1. There were ex-bonks-turned-platonic-friends still hovering around.

 

2. If my partner's thoughts were still consumed by a past relationship and/or "the one that got away" syndrome.

 

3. If his/her past sexual experiences has evolved into an acquired taste for certain sexual aversions and/or perversions that weren't in sync with my own.

 

4. If their 'folly of youth' and reckless experimentation has led to physical carelessness resulting in a transmittable STD. Can't help it. I'm a paranoid germaphobic!

 

5. If I sensed something "off" about that person's character (whether real or imagined) that indicated to me that they were still emotionally immature and vulnerable - that rather than growing and evolving beyond their experiences; they were still at "high risk" for repeating past patterns. I realize this is strictly intuitive, but I've learned long ago to at least 'listen' if not 'trust' your gut. If that's called "judging" then I'm guilty as charged!

 

With any luck, we are not the same people we were ten years ago. And ten years from now, we will not be the same people we are today. I think that's kinda' what life's all about. We're supposed to grow, evolve and change with every decade - with each season of life. Those of us who are fortunate enough to survive our past, don't want to get "stuck" in it. Which might explain why we resent it so much when someone else tries to define us by the sum of our past deeds, because it's almost like they're trying to keep us there.

 

Does that make any sense, Barby?

[Cecelius]

I think it is part insecurity (that's what explains some of the viscous emotion in people's posts) and part legitimate economics.

 

People have a tendancy to value just a little more something that is rarer than something that is more common. Honestly, if your S/O seems as if they've just been around so much that every name they utter, every story about their youth, etc., probably includes a hook up, its going to be natural to be less enthusiastic about the perceived specialness you have with them than it would be if they were a little less "worldly".

 

I dunno if this means people need to get wounded about it, I just think its realistic.

 

Lastly, there is a point in everyone's mind that measures when you think someone was just mentally off balance or pathetic or had low self esteem -- the numbers are hard (and that;s why there are so many posts asking for numbers on here). For women, I think, when you are with a dude who seems decent but too eager to fall in love, who is selling you ice cream and puppy dogs and declaring his special singular love to you after a fairly short period of time -- you conclude that he's not that hard to get, that many/any girl could have him, so why do you care? Same with girls -- if she's hooked up with a million guys, that's just somewhat sad. If you feel good enough to stay with her, fine, but otherwise you'll may never feel like things are that unique.

 

I also think that the number of "My g/f's past" questions on the board show (1) too many young people getting too serious too fast (2) to many people thinking that sexual activity shows their overall desireability in the universe and supplementing low self esteem and (3) too many people not being old enough to know that if a situation is not great, walk away but don't judge

[tattoomytoe]

Originally posted by Barby

But overall I wonder if indeed it is insecurity that makes one have a problem with a partners past....? Or if it's something deeper...?

 

 

remember Barby...... Some persons are incapable of any deeper thoughts...do not grant too much credit for them.

 

i think we can all jump to conclusions or solutions too fast, especially with out knowing all the circumstances involved and from hearing only one-side.

 

also, a SO can have these ideals of their mate, and the some past imperfections may surface...and could shatter the mate they "Knew".

 

Plus it give the "better person" or the one with lesser evils in the past a little god-complex, that they may think they are better than the evil one. which is a great boost of ego and gives this sense of control over the guilt you now have on the evil.

 

and the fact that everyone wants to solve and analyze everyones problems...which i think helps the solver compensate for their own wacked out problems that they cannot solve.

[Sukotto]

I'm not a fan of discussing past relationships at least nothing involving intimacy as that would no doubt make your SO insecure, "X use to do this for me and it really floated my boat" and when he's unable to give the same feeling you then either have to fake it to make sure they don't feel bad or tell them its not doing it for you.

 

If you rant on about your ex to your SO then they'll probably try to change into the person and well do you really want your SO to become your ex? I think not.

 

I completely agree that the past is the past and changing that would change the person, I know that my ex helped me grow as a person, I learnt various new skills over the years and she was the whole reason I went to the gym so I'd no doubt be a much larger person if I'd never met her.

[billybadass36]

I disagree with the assertion that being uncomfortable with your partner's past is an "insecurity" or a "control" issue. I also disagree with the assertion that this level of discomfort over a significant other's sexual past is necessarily a "jealousy" issue as well. Mainly, for me at least, whenever I feel uncomfortable about a significant other's past (mostly in prior relationships) it's because of differing levels of value placed on sexual intimacy. I feel uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who doles out their sexual "currency" willy-nilly, thereby deflating the value of their physical intimacy. For me anyway, sexual encounters are not merely physical, and I cannot imagine being that physically intimate with another person unless I am 100% into them. One-nighters and other casual sex type situations are, to me at least, degrading not to mention dangerous. To be in a relationship with a woman who, at least in the past, has treated her body and her sexuality with such a casualness is a turn-off since I place a higher value on restraint and placing emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. I'm not insecure, nor am I jealous of anyone's sexual history. I like to learn about it to see what kind of person I'm with...i.e., whether it's a person that has treated their body in a way that I plan on treating it. Once I get to know a little about the person I can sort of figure out if their past is something I can deal with or not before I decide whether to get intimately involved with this person. I'm not insecure about my sexual past and present, nor do I feel like I can "control" my significant other's sexual past. I'm not jealous of any former lovers either because, obviously, I'm the one that these past relationships has led her to.

 

I think the problem here is that there are consequences to questionable judgments made in one's past. If you're mature enough to make the decision to engage in casual sex with multiple partners, then you're mature enough to realize that at some point in time a potential boyfriend/girlfriend might not be willing to accept that and might bail on the relationship or want some answers. I'm just tired of those with a long rap sheet whining about how they expected to have their cake and eat it too. There are consequences to every decision one makes...some people think sex is no big deal...others think it's a huge deal. If you're one of those people that think sex is no big deal and that the past is the past, then find a boyfriend/girlfriend who feels the same as you do. The problem comes in to play when the two parties to the relationship have differing views on sex and intimacy in general. Neither is right or wrong, just different, and if you can't work around it, then find someone else who can.

[moimeme]

I have absolutely NO problem with partners' pasts. I've not had a long or checkered past, myself but a couple of fellows had quite the backgrounds. Didn't matter and doesn't matter to me. That was then, this is now.

 

Actually, I think it is worthwhile talking about the past - at least in general terms (not 'and after he stroked my... ' type detail LOL). If your partner gets all upset, this could be a bad sign that s/he is insecure or jealous.

 

IMHO, trust is critical in relationships. You both need to trust that each other has put the past behind - and that means being able to deal with the fact that there was a past. I know absolutely that I have no twinges, longings or any other wishes about reliving or revisiting anybody in my past and so I'd want my partner to know that and know there's nothing to fear about my past.

 

I'm all for honesty in relationships - being able to reveal self and being accepted as you are, past and all, are the marks of a good relationship, IMHO.

[Barby]

If you're mature enough to make the decision to engage in casual sex with multiple partners, then you're mature enough to realize that at some point in time a potential boyfriend/girlfriend might not be willing to accept that and might bail on the relationship or want some answers. I'm just tired of those with a long rap sheet whining about how they expected to have their cake and eat it too.

 

This is a good point of view....I personally was referring to people who have a problem with their current BF/GF's past relationship/sexual history within those relationships. I can understand a person being uneasy about someone who has a history of lots and lots of one night standers or constantly changing partners, it would make one stop and think, hey is this person not capable of commitment or what?

 

But while a person has to live with the consequences of their actions themselves does any other person, who didn't know them at the time...have a right to judge them and "emotionally punish" them once they know about it and choose to stay in the relationship? How is that fair to the person who's being judged?

[tattoomytoe]

barby- it is not fair for a partner to judge the other based on past experiences. and what kind of partner would....big red flag for me....even worse is when you talk with the person and it still continues to be an issue and brought up or "your nose stuck in it" time and time again. it is beating a dead horse.

 

and if the other person is not mature enough to see past the past, then i would not subject myself to their Virgin Ridicule, especially if i saw no wrong in my past actions or if i had already come to terms with my past....which i have.

[Barby]

Alrighty, thanks....I had a similar problem when I got together with my BF he had a problem thinking about the fact that I had been married already. He couldn't accept the fact that I just didn't have feeling for my ex anymore. After a little while of knowing me, he dropped it and realized that relationship was dead even before it got started.

 

But (as I stated before) after reading some posts on here it got me thinking, I wanted to see how many people actually do have a problem or would have, with their partner's past and their justification for it.

 

I'm not trying to "beat a dead horse" here (to use your words) but I'm just curious to get more opinions on the subject..but seems like it probably won't happen.

[tattoomytoe]

oh, i understand. which is why i have not told my bf how many partners i've had, which is like 3 times his number, and the only reason i know his number is cause he asked me so i asked back.

 

i actually lied and told him a lower number, which hestill had a small calf about. but i really do not see any reason for him to know that info.

[Naive]

The amount of people who someone has had sex with does not necessarily matter to me, regardless of whether he's had 2 or he's had 15, I will ask him to get tested before having sex with him.

[billybadass36]

and if the other person is not mature enough to see past the past, then i would not subject myself to their Virgin Ridicule, especially if i saw no wrong in my past actions or if i had already come to terms with my past....which i have.

 

Again, it's not a "maturity" issue. It's a difference of values. There's nothing "wrong" with your past. Likewise, there's nothing "wrong" with someone being uncomfortable with your past. Either your present partner can look past it and see you for the person you are now and the future that you two may have together or he/she can't. It's not a maturity issue or a "right or wrong" issue. It's a difference of values and opinions that can either be overcome, looked past, or dealt with for the relationship to work. If it can't, then obviously the parties to the relationship are so differing in their respective values and views toward sexual intimacy that they shouldn't be together. But, of course, the easy solution is rather than discuss it openly and honestly with your partner, you'll just lie about it to not "subject yourself to their Virgin Ridicule". Great way to deal with issues in a relationship.

 

People are so quick to talk about "trust" and "honesty" in a relationship yet these two virtues never seem to apply to this issue. If your past is nothing to be ashamed of, then be forthcoming with your partner about it because if he's asking, it's important to him. Rather than lying to him about it, be open and honest about it...be understanding about his concern, NOT defensive about your sexual history. Don't apologize for it, but explain it as openly and honestly with him as you can while reassuring him that the present and future with your current b/f is the most important thing for you. I'd be more pissed about being lied to than anything.

[tattoomytoe]

I'd be more pissed about being lied to than anything.

 

that is what HE always says!~ must be a bf thing!

 

billy- you are soo right about all that. it is just differences in morals, lives, upbringing..... all that.

 

But the real issue is why should-say me- Why should i have to defend my past, even if our morals are a little different....maybe i was a slut when i was younger....lucky bf, i would say!

and he continuosly brings up in ways that i was a sleeper. like oh, i bet this is boring to you, or some other innocent dig.

 

why can't he accept it and move on?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by billybadass36

I think the problem here is that there are consequences to questionable judgments made in one's past. If you're mature enough to make the decision to engage in casual sex with multiple partners, then you're mature enough to realize that at some point in time a potential boyfriend/girlfriend might not be willing to accept that and might bail on the relationship or want some answers. I'm just tired of those with a long rap sheet whining about how they expected to have their cake and eat it too. There are consequences to every decision one makes...some people think sex is no big deal...others think it's a huge deal. If you're one of those people that think sex is no big deal and that the past is the past, then find a boyfriend/girlfriend who feels the same as you do. The problem comes in to play when the two parties to the relationship have differing views on sex and intimacy in general. Neither is right or wrong, just different, and if you can't work around it, then find someone else who can.

 

Well, you're harping on the issue of multiple one night stands. I, like Barby, have been married before (I am in the process of getting a divorce, made more complicated by the fact that my ex lives in another state). I would hate to think that I would be judged based on the intimacy I shared with my exhusband. I mean, what can you expect? The older you get, the more likely it is that people have had long term relationships or have been married. A 30 year old virgin is a rarity.

 

I feel my past isn't an issue, but it doesn't matter if someone wants to judge me unfairly. I suppose the moral of the story is, yes it is unfair to be jealous of your lover's past relationships (not one night stands)...they obviously loved and cared for the person they chose to be involved with, that love came to an end, and you can't change the past.

 

But, innimical to your argument is the idea that people do not change. And that is simply untrue. A person with a checkered past may or may not continue in that manner. Perhaps the consequences you mentioned were enough to teach them to stop. And thus, is it fair to judge someone for what they did 10 or 20 years ago? I don't think so.

[billybadass36]

Don't defend your past. It's nothing that needs defending. Differing levels of sexual experiences between the partners in a relationship is the norm, and it's not to say that a sexual past is indicative of "immorality". Morality is relative, and there are very few true absolutes when it comes to morality, so don't ever let anyone make you feel that you're immoral or whatever because of your personal feelings regarding physical intimacy. People simply view physical intimacy in different ways...none of which are "right" or "wrong", they just "are".

 

Maybe these little "digs" he's giving you are subtle little clues that he wants you to take more charge in the bedroom. That's the first thing that came to my mind. Now if you guys are in a legit argument, and he resorts to throwing your past in your face, and if you've already discussed it and he's mostly come to terms with it, it's because he's being defensive and it's the only thing he can grasp to throw into the argument. I do it all the time, and while it's unjustified, it is a nice handy piece of ammunition to throw into the argument. But then five minutes later we're in the throes of some serious donkey style make-up sex. Which brings me to another point - sometimes it seems like we argue just to get us in the mood for some rough-ass sex...(not to be confused with rough ass-sex).