Do you have the right to judge your partner's past? Should they have "known" to wait?

[Barby]

Speaking of mentioning numbers, I wanted to tell the truth though I knew he'd be like

 

Suprisingly we had actually slept with the same number of people before each other (so he says) he stated he'd been with 7 and I have too including him and he had a bit of an "attack" saying OMG that's so bad, I'm like HELLO you've been with the same amount as I have and that's 7 in 9 years (starting w/ my BF at 15), back then his response was "well guys have nothing to lose, girls get "used up"" I was like "hmm what a sexist pigish way of thinking," but luckily he's opened his mind up a lot and grown and matured and came to realize that there are other much more important things in life.....

[mandimay]

I think it was said best on a mini series I watched once...For the life of me I can't remember the name of it but it was the single mom show (blonde) with a redneck ex-husband who abused her...

 

Anyway, she was dating some guy and he found out about all of her ex-lovers. He said something I have never forgotten and have even used on occasion )

 

Boyfriend:

"Whatever it took you make you the person you are today is just fine with me."

 

Single Mom:

"Even if alot of that time was spent on my back?"

 

Boyfriend:

"It doesn't matter. I love you."

[chickflick]

This is something I've been trying to deal with, regarding my bf's past. I admit, it's probably my biggest issue. He's had several gfs and has slept with a lot of women, whereas, he's my first serious bf and I've got nowhere near as many previous partners as he does.

 

I do feel that one's past is somewhat indicative of what kind of person you are and it's really the only way I can guess how one might act or be thinking in a future situation, especially in the beginning of a relationship (but this does not apply merely to significant others; someone previously referenced employers and resumes of potential employees). Even though someone may have changed, and is committed to the present relationship, I feel like one has to prove to me that how one acted in the past (having casual relationships, breaking up/getting back together with an ex several times) is not going to be repeated while I'm in the picture. And while I do have to take a leap of faith, I don't think it should prevent me from inquiring about such past.

 

If bf wasn't ashamed of past, why would he himself say he had a "slutty past"? by using such a word as "slutty," doesn't that imply a judgment in and of itself?

 

And another aspect of one's past - do you keep letters, notes, pics, other mementos of the exes around? even though you may not go through them, but just the fact that they exist - what's the general consensus on that sort of thing?

 

(sorry if rambling, it's 4am EST)

[chickflick]

 

People are so quick to talk about "trust" and "honesty" in a relationship yet these two virtues never seem to apply to this issue. If your past is nothing to be ashamed of, then be forthcoming with your partner about it because if he's asking, it's important to him.

 

 

This is a topic that is a big one for me in my current relationship. My bf has had several exes but has slept with many women. And as he once put it, he has a "slutty" past. To me, use of that word implies that there's something wrong, that HE's making the judgment call on himself, thus if he's making the call, why can't I? But when I've brought things up re: his past, he says I should let the past be, that he can't change it, that he doesn't want to discuss it anymore.

 

Anyway, as someone previously posted, one's past is somewhat of an indicator of how the SO's future behavior may be. And THAT's why I inquire about my bf's storied past. Because I don't want to be played for a fool, and don't want to be blindsided by some action/s that happened also in the past.

 

About 1-1/2 months ago, my bf and I had a crisis (found his "single" profile online while we were dating) so yes, I have a trust issue that I'm trying to work out, and I'm doing my best, but that is why his past is VERY much an issue.

[Chan]

wel i made a post more or less zackly wot this topic is about yesterday even tho this topic started a little while ago,its not that ther being blamed 4 ther past its just hard to comes to terms i think in my situation for example somewhere along the lines is becos my b/f is my 1st and i wasnt his,or may be its an insecurity thing! ino it doesnt mean he loves me any less but 4 some reason its hard to comes to terms and im aware we didnt even no each other and thats his past but it doesnt change the way it can make people feel obviously people are going to have a different oppinion and have probably never experienced that feeling but others have

[moimeme]

It's a difference of values and opinions that can either be overcome, looked past, or dealt with for the relationship to work.

 

Not necessarily a difference in values or opinions. The past is the past. People change.

 

I do feel that one's past is somewhat indicative of what kind of person you are

 

No, it's indicative of the kind of person you were. But, like I just said, people change. Some change a *lot*.

 

And another aspect of one's past - do you keep letters, notes, pics, other mementos of the exes around? even though you may not go through them, but just the fact that they exist - what's the general consensus on that sort of thing?

 

There isn't one. Some people think it's bad to keep mementos of the past. Others see nothing wrong with it. Like the quote above says "Whatever it took you make you the person you are today is just fine with me." I have no objection to people keeping mementos and I'm certainly not giving up mine. It's my life, and nothing deserves to be erased. I've learned a lot of lessons and I'd be the worse for erasing or forgetting them.

[Cecelius]

People can change. It's also very rare unless they have a reason for it.

 

Promiscuity is not a bad thing by itself (a little gross and maybe too cheap for you but not that big a deal). Just because people sleep around some doesn't make them cheaters.

 

If he/she throws it in your face or you're always meeting somebody who's been with him/her, then just conclude that they don't have the right profile to be with you and move on.

[fiyah]

i didnt think i was the type of guy to have problems with a girl's past.... but now with my gf who has had quite a bit more than me, its been an issue. i dont kno exactly what triggered it in our case - but it is a mix of insecurity on my part, just knowing too many details, and trust issues.

 

its not blaming or judging someone's past, but it is hard to come to terms with it once you have it stuck in your head and youre already insecure about it.

[termofendearment]

I am a very insecure person, especially when it comes to emotional matters. For most of my life I've had family members tell me I was too fat, ugly and not a nice enough person for a man to ever be interested in me. Experience seemed to back this up too, as until the age of 23 I'd been hurt and rejected by every guy I'd ever had feelings for.

 

At the start of this year I got together with my boyfriend. We'd been friends for a couple of years before, so I knew that he had a past with his ex girlfriend, but until I was in a relationship with him it didn't bother me in the least. Now, sometimes, it really gets to me. I know it's 99% insecurity, because I don't understand how somebody could love or want me more than someone else. I've always had this mindset where the only way I can be the best at anything is to be the only one (which is also why I was uncomfortable with the thought of another girl joining my team at work - if I was no longer the only woman in my office, then by default I could no longer be the best female in the office). If I'm not the only person my boyfriend has been with sexually, I'm convinced I can't be the "best", that he'll always be comparing us and thinking how much better his ex was at certain things. Out of the blue, I will find myself imagining them together, and what I think their relationship must have been like, and it chills me to the bone. He also has certain mementos of her around his apartment, and while I can hardly expect him to completely erase his past, and stop using these things that he's had for years because of me, I can't help but wonder what he thinks when he looks at them, if he's remembering her and reminiscing about the good times they had.

 

This relationship is the sum total of my sexual experience. While I'm with this man I cannot possibly understand the situation he's in, of having already had this sort of relationship before with someone else. Partly because things have worked out so well between us so far, and partly because of my rather "hopeless romantic" tendencies, I can't imagine what it must be like to have shared myself with somebody in that way and not have it linked with the love and strong positive emotions I have for my partner and this relationship. I don't know what it's like to have been sexual with somebody without being in love with them, or what it's like to lose those feelings of love after becoming intimate with a person. So a part of my mind doesn't understand how he can't still have those feelings towards his ex-girlfriend. It doesn't help knowing that he went back to her, albeit very briefly, at the start of last year when he was feeling depressed and lonely. He says it was just a comfort thing, and wanting to feel needed and special, but again I can't comprehend doing anything like that without there being significant feelings for the person as well.

 

This is my only "relationship demon", the only thing that has really caused problems in the past 11 months. My boyfriend can't understand what bothers me so much about it, and I can't understand his situation because I've never been there. I have absolutely no reason to not believe that he loves me completely. I believe he does, but there's something holding me back from letting go of these little nagging doubts. I wonder if it's like a safety mechanism, so that at some point down the line, if this all falls apart I can say "I knew it!".

 

I wish I didn't struggle with this so much. It's pretty much the only negative thing about an otherwise wonderful relationship, but I just don't seem able to let it go. That's just the way my mind seems to work. I know plenty of other people in similar situations to myself who aren't bothered at all about the whole "past" issue, and others who, like me, can't get it out of their mind. It seems to be more about the type of person and the way they handle things and, as someone said earlier, the way they view sex. In my case it's also a lot to do with my insecurity and problems believing that someone would ever possibly want to be with me without feeling like they're settling for second best.

[theedge]

I haven't had sex with my girlfriend, and I am a virgin. I know the number of partners she has had, and a few stories here and there. I try my best not to ask questions that I don't want to know the answer to as I know she has some stories.

I also know past is past and either way I still would not change the strong feelings I have for her. If I were to hold any of these against her then I would be an idiot as I know she is such an amazing girl.

[havNfun]

but....

 

where do you draw the line? I mean isn't there a line somewhere?

Should a girlfriend be excused for every sort of sluty behavior as new information

comes out overtime?

 

multiple three-ways? or bi-sexual experiments? or just that she might have had a LOT more partners?

 

Should none of this bother a person when they learn of things like this?

 

how is it necessarily insecure to be pretty bugged by knowing this about a partner?

[Jilly10340]

I think it's okay to be bothered by it. I don't think it's okay to dump it all over your partner and make them feel bad about who they were before you even entered the picture.

 

I think the bottom line is: If it bothers you enough, dump the person. It's that simple.

[havNfun]

so, Jilly, you would say to dump them because "once a slut always a slut" type of reasoning?

[moimeme]

where do you draw the line? I mean isn't there a line somewhere?

Should a girlfriend be excused for every sort of sluty behavior as new information

comes out overtime?

 

multiple three-ways? or bi-sexual experiments? or just that she might have had a LOT more partners?

 

Should none of this bother a person when they learn of things like this?

 

how is it necessarily insecure to be pretty bugged by knowing this about a partner?

 

 

If you are the sort of person that calls people 'slutty' in the first place, then stick to virgins, if you can find any.

This bespeaks a judgmental attitude that no woman needs to put up with. If you consider someone 'slutty' because of her past, then you don't have enough respect for her to continue in a relationship with her.

 

"once a slut always a slut"

 

Lovely. Maybe people sometimes have to make their own mistakes before they learn that they aren't suited to certain lifestyles. Maybe people deserve a break.

 

BTW, I suppose you've been the picture of chastity yourself, right?

 

[billybadass36]

I think it's more of a "you can either deal with it or you can't" issue. Once you have all the information you think you need, either you can see past it and get on with your relationship or you can't. There's no real middle ground here. If you decide to continue to be in the relationship, then you've tacitly agreed not to continuously throw it in your partner's face all the time. Just my take.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by havNfun

dump them because "once a slut always a slut" type of reasoning?

 

No. You dump them because you have such an issue with something that they can't change (ie, the past) that you can't care about them for who they are.

 

It's your perogative if you want to judge people by what they did in the past, but I think it's ridiculous, myself. It's kinda narrow-minded to think that people stay exactly the same. I mean, God help us all if I were to be judged for stuff I did when I was 16. I was a completely different person 9 years ago, for chrissake.

 

You shouldn't be with someone you have to excuse, in your mind.

[havNfun]

[color=darkred]first off: perhaps I have been the "picture of chastity (myself)"

 

second: perhaps I admire sluts and the word has a positive connotation for me.

Must you be so darn quick to have a cow about a LITTLE bit of colorful language?[/color]

[havNfun]

well I agree that people grow up. But, do adults really change that much, honestly?

[Jilly10340]

No, i don't have the "once a slut always a slut" reasoning. I'm in this exact situation. I've been with seven guys and my bf now is a virgin and I know it bothers him. I think that people can learn from their past experiences and just because you've had sex with other people that doesn't make it any less special.

 

I'm just saying that if you do happen to have a problem with it and you can't seem to get past it then you need to move on. One of my ex bf's had been with 15 people and yeah, it bothered the hell out of me. But I didn't tell him that and make him feel bad for the things he'd done. I asked myself if I could handle it and deal with it before I continued the relationship. So I dealt with it. If I couldn't get past it I would've broken up with him.

 

So, again, if you can't get past it dump them but don't make them feel as if they're a bad person for their past.

[moimeme]

well I agree that people grow up. But, do adults really change that much, honestly?

 

Yes.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by havNfun

well I agree that people grow up. But, do adults really change that much, honestly?

 

Uhhh....yes. Psychologically speaking the only people who have real issues with stagnation in personal development are those with severe mental illnesses.

 

Life changing events, like graduating from college, starting your career, buying a home, failed relationships, deaths of loved ones, moves to different cities, becoming a parent, divorce, changing careers...all those usually have drastic effects on personality.

 

I have yet to meet someone who has remained the same for a prolonged period of time. But then again, my whole field of study involves observing the nuances of personality and personal growth, so I may be more sensitive to observing this.

[havNfun]

Jilly,

Well that sounds like a pretty good approach.

 

But, regarding situations like your in now. Isn't it likely that if one person has a lot more experience they will be to some degree De-sensitized to the experience - as compared to a partner that was a virgin? Is it fair that it might be less monumental or important for one than the other?

[havNfun]

well blind, have you ever observed an extremely promiscuous person - ADULT - change and turn into an extremely selective one?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by havNfun

well blind, have you ever observed an extremely promiscuous person - ADULT - change and turn into an extremely selective one?

 

Yup. One woman I know met her husband and changed completely from sleeping with anyone who was vaguely interested in her to being totally devoted to her husband. I also know a guy who changed from being a total player to following his beloved around like a lapdog.

 

For me, when I love someone, I love that person totally. I don't even remember what it was like to make love to anyone else BUT my love.

[Jilly10340]

havnfun

 

I had sex when I was sixteen. I had no idea what I was doing and I had no idea what a real relationship was. I did it because that's what I thought I should be doing at that age, all my friends were doing it, etc. I've matured since then and want something a little more deeper then what I had at sixteen. So the idea of having sex with someone is even more special to me. It also depends on the person you're with.

 

If you had sex with say 5 guys you didn't love and the 6th guy was someone you loved, don't you think the 6th guy would have been the most special time you've had sex. Yeah, because you loved him. I've grown up, and i know what love is, or what I think it is, so.....yeah, every time I have sex now it's more special then it was when I was 16.

 

Feelings, caring, emotions.....never become desensitized.